A/N: I love, love, love this song and Demi Lovato so I just had to do it. Here's a little look at Letty's feelings while she's playing dead.
"Baby, I just ran out of band-aids
I don't even know where to start
'Cause you can bandage the damage
You never really can fix a heart."
- Fix A Heart, Demi Lovato
What do you do when the anger slips away? Because when I decided to keep the fact that I was alive a secret I'll admit part of it was out of anger. I was angry mostly at Dom for leaving when he promised me that he wouldn't. Brian was a cop, Jesse was dead, Vince was in trouble and Leon was God knows where after we separated in Mexico. Mia was the only one who I was willing to tell but could I make her keep that secret? So I kept my mouth shut, too angry to run back to him again, but then the anger drifted and staying dead just became something I'd grown used to. I told myself countless times that maybe doing this was what was best for Dom, that now I wasn't angry anymore, doing what was best for him was all that I wanted.
Back then I used to think that I wasn't the best but that was tough luck, he was stuck with me and stuck in the situation we had because I wasn't going to leave. But then I did. I tried before that day to sever the ties, I tried when all that shit went down in LA but I ended up failing, and miserably so. I had to bind the wounds I'd created and deal with them. Then he kept messing up. He never came to Mexico half as much as he said, he went off the grid and he left me in the DR. It was like those wounds that I'd made couldn't heal properly because of him, like he was pouring salt in them.
Over time I just ran out of the ability to even clean up the mess. Any sane person would have just left the first time, but I continued to let him hurt me and disappoint me. Don't get me wrong, Dom's good side completely outweighed the bad. He did more good for me than he did bad. But the DR was the final straw and when I had that accident it was a way out, a chance to escape him without having to convince myself to go back to him, because no matter how many times I tried to cover up all the damage I know for a fact that if I had gone back to him after the DR my heart wouldn't have even stood a chance of getting fixed.
Back then I knew keeping my death status was wrong, but then how could I be so sure? Dom was never one to shout about his feelings, he spoke in code and you had to learn to unlock it in order to understand what he was trying to tell you. But on the beach in the DR he did open up, well opened up as much as Dom ever could. Knowing that he left when he said he wouldn't makes me wonder if he meant any of what he said though. I remember holding his hand and pleading with him that this was no different, that I was safe with him. And I could see he wanted to fight but he was losing the will to do so. I guess all he needed was more time to just heal after everything that happened and maybe I just pushed it at the wrong time. Maybe that's why now I still won't tell him the truth, because I know he still needs to heal some more.
Now the anger was gone and I was left with… Nothing. No feelings, nothing, just emptiness. I no longer had a way to bandage up the pain I was feeling and I can't even begin to start on life now, on my feelings for Dom or the team in general. I know now that you never really can fix a heart. And I think of all those times that Dom acted like he was some kind of miracle worker, swearing that he could fix what he broke and I would beg myself not to get my hopes up because he never did. I guess now I understand that it wasn't because he didn't want to but that because he couldn't.
Then I'm reminded of how he didn't exactly help. He didn't even try to stop hurting me in the first place, he continued to do it a second time, a third time, a fourth… He knew he was capable of it and although he couldn't change the mistakes he made, he still continued to do it. I could only imagine what I'd say to him if I saw him now. No, no, baby, tell me how could you be so cruel?
R&R