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The Doctor remained still, unsure what to do. He wanted to follow Rose but he didn't know if he should. He knew that Rose's dreams were memories but if he told her that it was important he would have to try to explain why and he couldn't do that. He wanted so much to tell her, to do whatever he could to help her remember quicker. But he couldn't push her and he knew that; she was obviously already scared and confused.
"She remembers the TARDIS" Jackie said absently beside the Doctor, rousing his thoughts toward her. He turned toward her, seeing a hopeful glint in her eyes.
"Yeah" the Doctor said, his own hope slightly deflated. "Without being able to tell her anything it won't help her much to remember it. It must all seem like craziness to her."
Jackie nodded thoughtfully. "Are you sure there's nothing you can do?" she asked. "Rose asked so many questions the first day or so but after that she has seemed scared to bring it up. It's like she's avoiding the subject completely so she doesn't have to face it."
The Doctor knew the only thing that he could do was try to connect with Rose's mind and see if he could help guide her toward her memories. But he wasn't sure how to convince her to let him do that; posing the idea of bringing their minds together would sound crazy to her. "Let me go talk to her" the Doctor said. "Maybe she remembers more than she's telling. I know she doesn't want to talk about it but maybe I can get her to open up a little more"
Jackie seemed reluctant for a moment but she nodded. "Worth a try" she said, getting up from her place on the floor and sitting in the chair Rose had occupied. She looked up at him with a caring, motherly expression he had never seen directed his way. "I know you want her to remember more than I do. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. Rose still remembers me and I still wish she would get her memory back"
The Doctor nodded stiffly but didn't say anything. If he dwelled too much on it then he would remember how painful it was. He walked down the hallway toward Rose's room, knocking softly. Rose didn't answer at first.
"Rose…..it's me…John" The Doctor said, "Can I come in?"
There was a long pause. "What for?" she asked. She sounded tired and distressed.
"Because I want to talk to you…..make sure you're alright" The Doctor said honestly.
There was another long stretch of silence. "Okay….come in" she said finally.
The Doctor opened the door and walked into Rose's room to see her sitting up on her bed, hastily stuffing a stuffed teddy bear under her pillow. He stifled a smile but pretended to not notice. He walked over to Rose's bed and sat down on the edge, watching her. She looked terribly tired and confused.
"I'm fine….really I'm fine" she said hastily before the Doctor could say anything. She crossed her arms over her chest.
"Are you sure?" The Doctor asked. "You….scared me and your mum. We just don't want you to be in pain"
"I'm fine" Rose said even though it was obviously a lie. "It's just a headache"
The Doctor paused, not wanting to push Rose. "But what you saw, just now….." he said.
Rose pulled her knees up to her chest, looking small and vulnerable. "It doesn't matter" she said quietly. "Until I remember something useful, it doesn't matter"
"What if I told you I think everything you remember is important?" The Doctor asked. "Even if it doesn't seem important, it is."
"I'm not sure how seeing a bunch of bright light in my dreams every night could possibly be helpful" Rose said discouraged.
"Your mind wouldn't keep bringing it up unless it mattered" the Doctor said. "Might not seem too important now but it will somehow make sense when this all ends"
Rose was quiet, staring at her knees to avoid looking at him. "If you say so" she said unenthusiastically.
The Doctor wanted to propose the idea of searching through her memories but he could tell now was not the time. She looked like she was about to fall over with fatigue. "Rose, why don't you take a nap?" he suggested. "We can talk more tomorrow"
Rose shook her head vigorously. "I don't want to" she said. "Really, let's just forget this all happened and go back into the living room. No need to ruin the Christmas spirit with a simple headache"
The Doctor smiled slightly; leave it to Rose to always put on a brave face for everyone else. "Rose, you're obviously exhausted. Sleep, it will be good for you" the Doctor said. "There's nothing wrong with needing some down time."
Rose looked at the Doctor for a moment before quickly looking away. "No, really…its fine" she said. She was obviously uncomfortable.
"Do your dreams scare you?" the Doctor asked. If Rose was dreaming about the time vortex it could be very alarming.
"No" Rose said quickly and too defensively. "It doesn't scare me…..it just wakes me up a lot."
"Is there…..anything I can do to help you sleep?" he asked. After it was out of his mouth it seemed like a terribly intimate thing to say. He wasn't sure what it was that he could do to help her sleep; the only thing that he could think of was to try to keep the dreams at bay with his telepathy. That was hardly an appropriate thing to ask or do.
"No….." Rose said, looking at him shyly, her face blushing. "It's fine, really. I'll just stay up"
"You'll do no such thing" the Doctor said with playful firmness, pushing her down so she was lying on the bed. "You need sleep, doctor's orders"
He was glad when Rose gave him a small smile. "Doctor's orders?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you were a teacher, not a doctor"
The Doctor smiled, finding it impossible to resist when Rose was smiling. "Either way, that means you have to listen to me" he said. He pulled a quilt over Rose, tucking around her slightly but not enough for it to be awkward. Rose settled down into the pillow, her eyes heavy. "I'm not a child" she said, wanting to fight his order but also not too tired to fight it.
The Doctor just grinned down at her as she looked very much like a child. "I know" he said with a nod. "But you go to sleep anyway"
Rose pulled the blanket up to her chin and opened her eyes slightly to look at him. "Can you…" she started to say but she stopped herself.
"Can I what?" the Doctor asked quickly. Anything he could do to help ease her pain, he would do.
Rose looked embarrassed and she closed her eyes. "Can you stay here…..until I go to sleep?" she asked.
The Doctor felt a warmness spreading through his hearts, the kind that he had not known for a long time before had met Rose. For a moment, it seemed like nothing was wrong. It was the kind of request that Rose might have made before all of this happened. She might not remember him but he remembered everything about her and he couldn't possibly refuse. "Of course, Rose" he said. "I'll stay with you and chase the nightmares away." He tucked the covers around Rose a little tighter. "You just relax and don't think about any of this…just drift off and try to have happy dreams"
Rose smiled against her pillow. "Not a kid….." she said, though her smile suggested that she was happy by his actions.
"Go to sleep" the Doctor said in a fake grumble and Rose smiled as she settled in to sleep.
…
He was not going to look; he most certainly wasn't going to look. It was wrong…..it wasn't right; and yet it was so tempting….
Rose had long since been asleep and yet the Doctor remained perched on the edge of her bed watching her sleep (much to Jackie's alarm). He couldn't just go back to the TARDIS and sit around; no doubt the TARDIS would enjoy the company but he wasn't going to leave Rose yet. He knew eventually Jackie would throw him out but for as long as he could he would watch the gentle rhythm of Rose's breath, her face calm, her blonde hair creating a halo around her head. Now that her calm face was turning distressed and her eyes moved quickly under their lids he was torn between leaving Rose's thoughts private and doing what he had said and keep her dreams sweet.
It wouldn't disturb Rose; in fact it was the exact opposite. She would sleep calmly and she would not even know he had done it. But it wasn't right; it was an invasion of privacy, downright rude to look into someone's mind without their consent. His people would have had rules against that. But they weren't here and as he saw Rose's face grow more and more alarmed he couldn't resist.
The Doctor scooted closer to Rose on the bed, his hands hesitating before touching her head. He had thought about touching Rose this way before; what it might be like to see her mind. He had never quite pictured it like this; doing it without her knowledge to protect her from her own memory. He needed to see, wanted to see what was going on inside her mind and hopefully find a way that he might be able to help her come back to him. Pushing back his guilt and the feeling that he was doing something wrong, he put his hands on Rose's head and let his mind calm and focus.
Instantly, he could see why Rose couldn't remember anything; her mind was in turmoil. The power of the time vortex still remained in her head. The energy swirled from one center of her brain to the other, blocking him from seeing much of her memories himself. It was no wonder that she couldn't remember; in fact he was surprised that she hadn't lost more of her memory. The Doctor could help remove the energy but Rose would have to be awake to try to get toward her memories. It wouldn't be an easy process and he was sure that she would think him a nutter for even suggesting it. But at this point he could see that it was the only way she would get her memory back. Until that energy was gone she wouldn't be able to make her way back to him.
For now, there wasn't much the Doctor could do. The one thing that he could do was give Rose the sweet sleep he had promised her. He focused on the part of her brain that was creating her dreams and stilled it, protecting it from the energy of time that her human brain was coping with better than it should have been.
Once the Doctor felt Rose's mind calm down, he pulled his mind away, feeling colder now that it was empty. Though the experience had hardly been what he normally would have expected when touching minds with someone else, it had been a taste of what he remembered when his people were present. His mind had been cold and empty for a long time. Even though he tried not to, he found himself longing for a time that he could touch Rose' mind more freely.
The Doctor leaned forward and allowed himself to do something that he only would do when he was sure that Rose was asleep. He pressed a small kiss to her forehead as her face relaxed and her dreams calmed. "Sweet dreams, my beautiful Rose" he said in the quietest voice he could speak.
….
When Rose woke up she instantly found herself searching her room for John but he wasn't there. She really didn't expect him to be but she still wanted him to be there. The light from her window suggested that it was evening, meaning she had slept for a few hours. Rose pushed herself up in bed, sitting for a moment as she regained her bearings.
Her sleep had been calm and without the strange dreams that disturbed her. She thought about John's words "I'll stay with you and chase the nightmares away"; somehow he actually had. Rose wished desperately that she could remember the past they had had together because she was beginning to think that they had been something else other than friends. She wasn't assuming that they had been a couple but something was there that wasn't just normal mates. He was so kind, so careful with her; he almost seemed to take care of her. Rose knew she could be imagining it, but she didn't want to think she was. The stirring in her stomach when she thought about seeing John again was scary when she didn't understand if she should be allowed to have those feelings or not. She blushed when she thought about her boldness in asking him to stay with her while she slept; what had she been thinking? But then again, he had stayed. And somehow he had kept her from having those dreams.
Rose got up and walked into the living room where her mum was sitting. She looked around, vainly still hoping to see John but he wasn't there. Her mum noticed her hanging around close to the couch motioned her over. "Come here, sweetheart" she said as she pulled back the blanket that was over her legs back and slid over to make room for her. Rose walked over and sat down on the couch next to her mum as she put the cover over the both of them. She felt comfortable and safe, the way she used to when they would sit like this and watch cartoons. She almost wished she could go back to that time when things were simple and easy.
"How are you feeling?" her mum asked gently.
Rose stared at the blinking lights on the tree, letting herself get lost in them. "I'm alright…..sorry to make you worry" she said.
"Who said I was worried?" Jackie asked incredulously and Rose had to smile at her attempt to act strong.
"John" Rose said, putting her hand over her mother's but resting the urge to move closer to her. "He said you two were worried about me"
"Alright, you caught me" she relented. "Of course I'm worried about you. The headaches…..and I didn't know you were having nightmares"
"They aren't really nightmares" Rose said quickly, staring down at her and Jackie's hands. "They are just uncomfortable"
"You can tell me stuff like that, you know" her mum said, "You don't have to hide it"
"I'm not hiding it. I just didn't feel like sharing it with anyone" Rose argued.
"You told John" her mum said in a slightly hurt tone. "I'm assuming that's the reason he cozied up to you in your sleep"
Rose felt her cheeks warm and she was glad her back was to Jackie so she couldn't see that. She didn't know how to explain to her mum that she just felt safe and the need to be open with John. She didn't want to say that she was the one that had asked him to stay. "I only told him after what happened today" Rose said in defense. "And he wasn't cozied up to me"
"Whatever you say" her mum said, her tone unconvinced. She hugged Rose to her and Rose felt a wave of calm run through her. At least this was simple and familiar.
"I wasn't trying to keep anything from you" Rose said after a long moment.
"I know" her mum said. "It's just easier to open to that tall, mysterious leather clad clown, right?"
"Mum, stop" Rose said in embarrassment, her cheeks flooding again.
Her mum giggled behind her. "I will not…..embarrassing you is my job"