Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Calibur, Lake Placid, A View to a Kill, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, The Silence of the Lambs, Dora the Explorer or Dracula. What a long disclaimer… I hate writing them.

The tram slowly inched down the cable and Cassandra and Yunsung sat nervously and silently in fear of it breaking. If it broke, they would die and no one would be happy, not even Talim.

"So… how's Sophitia?" Yunsung asked.

"Oh she's good, I don't think her and Rothion should stay together anymore."

"Why?"

"Because, he's always away on business, he's never in any of these games even though he's always mentioned, and he can't fight worth crap!"

"I see…"

"She should find a new man."

"Yep, you know how everyone wants me to fall in love with Talim?"

"Yeah."

"I don't see it, she's kind of a ", Yunsung said, swearing profusely like Betty White in Lake Placid.

"I didn't even know those words existed!"

"Some of them aren't English", Yunsung said.

"I've never liked Talim, what's with being obsessed with the wind? It's nonsensical… it's DISGUSTING!"

"Yay verily", Astaroth randomly said even though he wasn't anywhere near the cable car.

"I hate when people randomly say things when they're not near the main focus of the story", Sophitia said, who also wasn't anywhere near Cassandra or Yunsung.

"Shut up", they both said. They also laughed. There was also sexual tension in the air.

"Do you feel that?"

"What?"

"I don't know… it's that darn sexual tension", Cassandra said.

"Grr… and it smells funny too", Yunsung said. There was laughter.

"… Dodging THIS!" Seung Mina's voice said and a flying dodgeball flew through the window and knocked Cassandra out of the cable car. As she started to fall, Yunsung lunged through the door and grabbed her arm.

"CASSANDRA!" Yunsung yelled.

"Yunsung, this is so terribly clichéd", Cassandra cried. "Then again, what event in this story ISN'T clichéd?"

"True dat, true dat!" Yunsung said.

"WHAT?" Cassandra yelled, worriedly.

"I didn't say anything, it was that guy at Raphael and Ivy's resort that says "of course you are" whenever anyone says Jenny Flex."

"Of course you are", no one said.

At the resort…

"Well Mr. Sorel you managed to almost break all the bones in your body", the doctor said.

"Oh no…" Ivy said shocked.

"I don't know why you'd be reacting so negatively to this", the doctor said.

"I don't follow", Ivy said, puzzled.

"I said he "almost" broke all the bones in his body, not he DID break all the bones in his body!"

Ivy killed the doctor.

"Alright Raphael, let's go back to the hotel room or would you like to do something else?"

"How about a nice, relaxing, fun game of golf", Raphael mused, hopping out of bed.

"Sounds wonderful!" Ivy said.

They headed out to the sprawling green hills which was the golf course, with their Calloway golf clubs in the cart with Ivy at the wheel, pulling up to the first hole.

"Alright, I'll flip the tee, whoever it points to goes first", Ivy said. She flipped the tee and it pointed toward her.

"I'll go then", she said. She put down her ball, lined up her shot and… HOLE IN ONE.

"I'm that good, you're up dear", Ivy said, playing with her golf club and taking a seat in the cart.

"Alrighty", Raphael said, putting his ball on the tee, lining up his shot and striking. His ball however hardly made it past the tee-off area.

"Tough luck", Ivy said. Raphael started blindly hitting the ball in random directions tearing up the sunny pasture.

"Well the handicap is 10…" Ivy muttered.

"NO! I will get it in… eventually!"

5 Hours Later…

Ivy sat angrily in the golf cart. Raphael hadn't even made it close to the green yet.

"Can we please hurry", she asked. "Golf hours are almost done!"

"Don't worry, I'm almost to the green", Raphael said.

5 Hours Later…

Ivy sat in the golf cart so angrily that she actually resorted to eating the steering wheel and one of her golf clubs. In fact, Raphael had gone backwards toward the tee-off area.

"GIVE ME YOUR CLUB!" she yelled. She took it and got Raphael a hole in one. She then proceeded to randomly eat his golf club.

"What was that for?"

"Well Raphael, let me see, last I counted you hit the ball exactly 10,692 times in a period of ten and a half hours."

"In fact it's a world record!" Max Zorin said, walking out on the golf course.

"Mr. Zorin?"

"That's right; you've made the chateau famous! While you were blindly swinging your club and your wife was eating the golf club, the Big Bad Book of World Records came, videotaped you and recorded your golf-horribleness."

"This will get good business for our hotel!" Raphael said.

"That's the spirit!" Zorin said.

"Now may I ask; who are those gentlemen?" Ivy asked.

"Exercise boys… golfing with them provides more realistic training!"

"This author really memorized all the lines from "A View to a Kill" pretty well", Ivy mentioned.

"That's not the point", no one said.

"There it is again!"

"And nobody said Jenny Flex!"

"Of course you are…"

"I hate this vacation", Ivy said to herself.

In town…

Cassandra and Yunsung decided to stop at a Morebucks Coffeehouse to have… coffee.

"This place has wi-fi!" Yunsung said.

"Wow, let's get out my laptop!" Cassandra said mockingly.

"Really?"

"No."

"Anyway…"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORDER UP!" Tira said.

"Since when do you work here?"

"Since that jerk author hasn't put me in the story yet", Tira yelled at the top of her lungs, breaking the coffee cups.

"I think you should clean that up…" Cassandra said.

"I think you should KILL YOURSELF and then I'll lick the blood off the ground!" Tira shrieked.

"Um… let's go somewhere else", Cassandra said, slowly backing toward the door and pushing Yunsung out.

"Mmm… I'm going to eat this glass!" Tira said. "Ooooooooh, what's that taste? Oh I see; its fragments of my tongue; glass and blood. It tastes scrum-diddly-umptious!"

"It's like somebody crossed Strawberry Shortcake with Hannibal Lecter, that girl", Cassandra muttered.

"I was thinking Dora the Explorer with Dracula but I know where we're going with this!"

"What about Barbie and Dr. Phibes?"

"That works… but you could do better."

"Guys, do you know how many stupid disclaimers I have to put in this story because of all these references your making?" the author asked.

"Hey butt out, this story isn't about you, you selfish man!"

"I'm 14…"

"Well, the world doesn't revolve on you, now why don't you stop playing God and let us finish the story!" Cassandra snapped.

"I'm going to start playing as Ivy more now because of this!" The author retorted and ran away crying.

"Oh great…" Cassandra said.

"What?"

"Without him, the story can't go anywhere!" Cassandra said. "Stupid authors… can't live with 'em can't live without 'em."

"True dat, true dat!"

"I don't understand what you said, and I won't respond to it", Cassandra said.

"I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR FACE", Tira yelled, running down the sidewalk.

"RUN!" Cassandra said.

"Looks like the author came back!" Yunsung said as Cassandra and he were running from the bipolar, Hot Topic clad assassin.

"Mmmmmmm… faces… they taste really good with spaghetti sauce and even a little ground cumin!"

"You need help! One thing I don't get… why aren't YOU at the crack addict clinic? You are even more crack addict-esque than TALIM!"

"That's impossible!" Talim said. "No one can out crack addict me! I own a military aircraft and yell out completely random things!"

"Hmm… she has a point. So you are second to Talim in crack addict-ness", Cassandra said.

"KEEP RUNNING; THIS TALKING WON'T STOP ME FROM EATING YOUR YUMMY FACE!"

"Aaaaaaagh!" Cassandra and Yunsung yelled.

"Oooooooooooh, I loooooove resistance, it's just so cooooool", Tira said, in a little kiddish voice.

"Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace-eating, wah wah wah, face eating, it's something she likes to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, but they don't like to doooooooooooooooooooooooooo", Shirley Bassey sang.

"Thank you Shirley Bassey", Tira said.

"Yooooooooooooou're welcome!"

"Now I'll eat your face!"

And she ate Shirley Bassey's face.

Suddenly, time stopped and faded a bit while a lady with a skeleton face walked toward the screen.

"Hello, my name is Nurse Allen, you may remember me from the cult horror-comedy classic The Abominable Dr. Phibes where Vincent Price dripped green crap all over my face and locusts ate me. Well, I'm here to lecture you about the dangers of face-eating…"

"Nine killed you… nine shall DIE, nine eternities of doom!"

"I have to go!" Nurse Allen said and sped away.

"What is it with this author and quoting movies?" Cassandra asked as the action started again.

"Shh… don't upset him or he'll run away again", Yunsung said.

"Mmmm… that was some good face", Tira said, rubbing her stomach after finishing off one of the best singer's in the world's face.

"Tira, please leave me alone", Cassandra said.

"Ooooooooooh aren't we polite? Politeness leads to DEATH!"

"Alright you psycho, we've had enough of your foul attitude", Yunsung said, drawing White Storm. Cassandra drew the Digamma Sword and raised the Nemea Shield.

"You know moron, you're dealing with a mid-tier and a god-tier character here while your stupid hula hoop thing is only low-mid tier, now run away, or I'll eat YOUR face!" Cassandra threatened.

Tira dropped Aiselne Drossel and ran away crying, similar to what the author did just a few paragraphs ago.

"Bipolar freak!" no one said.

"Will we ever get to find out who no one is?" Cassandra asked.

"In due time", no one replied.

"I hate being alive…" Zasalamel said.

And that's the only time he'll be mentioned in the story.

Back at the resort…

The second hole was on a cliff and there was only a 1 in 1000000000000 chance that the ball would be a hole in one. But, Ivy, being the person that she is, beat the odds and got a hole in one.

Now Raphael will cause her to eat things and develop pica.

"Alright, this time my sweet, I will not totally botch this up", Raphael said.

Ivy ate the score sheet.

"Just hit the ball Raphael…"

However, just as he was about to hit the ball, on the neighboring cliff he saw the statuesque Jenny Flex…

"Of course you are."

…bending down to set her ball on the tee. This caused him to lose his balance and fall off the cliff.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH, IVY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" Raphael screamed as he fell hundreds of feet to a near certain death.

Ivy waited until he hit the ground to take action.

"He should've taken the elevator… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm so witty", Ivy chuckled to herself and took the elevator to help her husband.

Raphael once again found himself in the infirmary which was not the ideal vacation destination. His wife walked in, to find the doctor reviewing a chart

"Ms. Valentine, I have some bad news, your husband looks like he's dead", the doctor said.

"Oh no…" Ivy muttered, crestfallen.

"Well, I know this might not be the most welcoming news but it's not all bad…"

"WHAT?"

"He merely looks like he's dead, which might not be the best of circumstances but…"

Ivy killed the doctor.

"So dear… is there anything else you'd like to do while we're here?" Ivy asked.

"Well, we could go swimming later and relax in the hot tub. What could be safer than that?"

"Excellent idea!" Ivy said.

"I hope so…" Raphael said.

Back in town…

"Let's visit Sophitia!"

"Okay!"

They knocked on the door of Sophitia's home and she opened it.

"Hello Cassandra, hello Yunsung!" Sophitia said, in her ever so sweet, motherly tone.

"Hi Sophitia!" Cassandra said and they walked into her house.

"I made Avgolemono, would you like any?"
"I'd love some! Would you like any Yunsung?" Cassandra asked.

"Hmm… considering how I can't spell or pronounce it, of course I'll have it!" Yunsung exclaimed and Sophitia poured them both bowls of it.

"Sophita, I've been thinking… Rothion is always out of town on business, you two never really spend time together…"

"What about when me and him made Pyrrha and Patrokolos?"

Cassandra vomited.

However, Yunsung was fantasizing about what Sophitia looked like without any clothes on which Cassandra immediately picked up on. Cassandra hit Yunsung in the face with her shield in a true Raphael-Ivy fashion.

"Ooooooooooooh, foreshadowing", no one said.

"SHUT UP!" Cassandra yelled. "Anyway Sophitia, maybe it's time you moved on, after all, he's the most useless character in the story, he's never a bonus character and he lost his worth after Soul Edge!"

"I see what you're saying Cassandra… but who on earth would want to marry me?" Sophitia asked.

Suddenly, every Soul Calibur playing male in the world surrounded Sophitia's house.

"Hey, any girls want to marry me?" Yunsung asked, all cocky. And as quick as they came, all the Soul Calibur males left.

"Thank you Yunsung…" Sophitia said. "Anyway, I was thinking about leaving Rothion anyway. You see, I know he's been cheating on me with Setsuka but that's ok, he can have that umbrella obsessed alcoholic, but who I have now is eons ahead of everyone else. Please reveal yourself."

The man stepped out from the shadows.

"Hello… everyone."

Who is this mystery man that Sophitia will marry? Will Raphael have another near death experience? Can he further his relationship with the lovely Jenny Flex?

"Of course you are."

ahem I wasn't done. Will Cassandra and Yunsung break down the sexual tension and go for a permanent relationship? And what has Taki done to Sorel Towers? And when will guests start staying there?

Find out in the NEXT CHAPTER…

P.S. PM me your thoughts as to who the lucky man is that is dating Sophitia. I will then post the breakdown of who everyone thinks it is and then reveal who she is really going to take a walk down the aisle with…