Summery: on a wild night out by himself, Jack gets into trouble while stealing porridge, breaking chairs and sleeping in beds he shouldn't. Oh and did I mention Jack had dyed his hair blonde to fit the tale? A birthday present to Annie, enjoy.

Pairings: hinted father/daughter rels between Jack and Tosh. Implied Doctor/Rose, one-sided Jack/Doctor, Jack/everyone, Jack/mystery wife.

It was a wild night.

The anniversary of when he officially became immortal. Which usually involved getting incredibly drunk, doing something stupid and dying a couple times which leads to getting drunk again since dying only sobers him up. So Jack went out there intent on getting drunk, he flirted with a few gorgeous people, had wild sex in bathrooms and alleyways, before he staggered into a 24hr chemist and brought some bleach.

Stupid thing number one: he had dyed his hair blonde.

Why not? The Doctor Loves blondes look at Rose, his sweet precious Rose who was blonde and innocent. Jack felt like crying as he remembered Rose's cheeky smile, her sweet and cheap perfume and bright red hoodie vividly. He can almost hear her laughter as she ran from danger hand in hand with the Doctor while looking back to see if Jack was safe. The Doctor never left Rose, never dumped her anywhere and he found some evidence that some of the Doctor's other companions were blonde as well. So let's be blonde so the Doctor would love him enough to come back.

After wandering around, Jack began to get hungry, his stomach rumbled furiously and he had a sudden craving for porridge just the way his beautiful yet very dead wife used to make it.

This lead to stupid thing number two: breaking into Ianto's house and stealing his porridge.

It was a well known fact that his brand new employee was so organised he made his breakfast the night before so he only had to reheat it in the morning while shaving and getting dressed for work. Jack had demanded to have all keys to his employees' homes in case of an emergency or as Owen says so he can rape them in their sleep (he wouldn't, he has no need of such crude tactics and adores them all too much to even think of such disgusting things). So giggling Jack snuck into the spotless, very white and bare flat and crept into the kitchen, grabbing the bowl of cling filmed porridge and running out laughing manically back to the Hub to heat it up.

Ianto woke up with a start. Rubbing his eyes and yawning he checked the time to find it was only 02:32 on his digital clock. Irritated that he had been woken up so early after going to bed so late and worried that the bang he heard was a burglar, Ianto snatched up his hardback book and crept around his flat. To his relief he found nothing missing but when he got into the kitchen he was horrified to find his bowl of porridge missing, either he forgot to make it (Impossible!) or someone stupid like Owen stolen it as a practical joke (most likely)....

After eating Jack felt more playful and wanted to have fun.

Stupid thing number three: break Owen's chair.

Jack leapt on the spinning computer chair as he played loud jazz music and began to spin round and round repeatedly, pushing his full weight into the seat. Suddenly the chair snapped in half and sent a dizzy Jack flying in to the desk. Crawling out of the wreckage that was once Owen's sloppily piled paperwork, Jack threw up.

Tired and sore all over, Jack remembered the most beautiful bed back in the 51st century. It was in a sex hotel, it was large, soft and the bed sheets were pure silk from gigantic worms in a neighbouring planet. If his memory served him right, Tosh has a similar bed to that. He knew this because he stayed there once after a horrifying mission that made Tosh scared to be alone. He also remembered how she snuggled up against him like a daughter would to a father and how comforting it was. He could use that company now, someone to love him without any strings attached without ruining anything that was there before.

Stupid thing number four: break into Tosh's flat.

He was quiet and sneaky, like a cat burglar, kicking off his shoes and throwing of his coat, he slipped off his already half buttoned shirt and climbed into Tosh's bed, wrapping an arm round her small and very warm form.

Tosh being a light sleeper woke up instantly. She had spent the night working on a translation project and was completely sober so the idea of a man in her bed was unthinkable unless a rapist has snuck in. Quick as lightening she snatched her hidden gun, rolled round and shot him in the head.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Jack groaned as his eyes fluttered open to meet harsh bright lights and four brown blurs. The blurs cleared up after a couple blinks to form four very angry co-workers, Ianto neatly dressed in his suit, Tosh wrapped up in her silk dressing gown, Owen in the clothes he wore yesterday and Suzie half dressed with her brown curly hair everywhere.

"You" Ianto said coldly. "Broke into my flat and stole my porridge. My special porridge with the Jones' family secret ingredient, the breakfast that would keep me full for most of the day so I don't faint of malnutrition while chasing weevils. You then, vomited this precious porridge all over some recent paperwork that Owen will have to re-do, which means we all have to suffer Owen's complaining-"

"Hey!" Owen yelled.

"You then broke Owen's chair" Suzie said ignoring Owen. "Meaning we have to buy another one instead of using the budget on something useful like bullets. Also we have to put up with Owen's complaining for about a month on how he hates the new chair, it's not like the old one, not as comfortable, not as spinnable and doesn't have Owen rocks 2004 on"

"Hey!"

"And then you scared the living daylights out of me!" Tosh sniffled. "You only had to ask! I thought you were some rapist or something"

Jack felt heartbroken at seeing a crying Tosh.

"So what have you got to say for yourself, Goldilocks?" Owen asked wanting in on the lecture.