A/N: Yeah. An update. Finally.

Dedicated to theater. Yup.

Disclaimer: I hope none of you think I'm JK. I really do.

Lots of thanks to everyone who reads and reviews.

And I just realized this is my longest chapter yet!

And a line means a new diary entry. In this it's not really important when she's writing stuff.

Chapter 7

Some Sirius Psychology

"Don't cry for me, my martini! The truth is you're really tasty! All through my drunk days, my mad hangovers, I--"

"Sirius, what are you singing?" Remus eyed Sirius over his book, which was called "Charming Charms". I don't know how Charms could be charming, but there you go.

"Don't Cry for Me, my Martini. Duh." Sirius rolled his eyes. "I thought you of all people would know that song. It's from some play. I think it's called Eleanor. Andy-loy-Wedger wrote it."

"Wha--oh." Remus started shaking his head. Then he started hitting it with his Charming Charms book, which I might add, was over 800 pages.

Sirius leaned over to Peter. "I think Remmy's got some head problems," he said in a stage whisper.

"Hey," said Atonya suddenly. "Has anybody seen Bill since he got that letter?"

Remus stopped hitting himself. "No, I don't think I have."

"I haven't," I said.

"Me neither," said Peter.

"Neither have I," Atonya said. "You, Hannah?"

Hannah shook her head. "Nope."

"I haven't either." said Christopher, finalizing the notion.

"WHAT?!" Sirius shouted, making everybody in the vicinity stare. "HE HASN'T BEEN SEEN?"

"Er, yeah, Sirius." Peter said. "He's probably locked in his dormitory."

"NO! I WILL NOT LET HIM DO THIS!! WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM OUT OF THERE!!"

James snored so loud that the entire common room shook.

"Sirius, please, this is mental," Remus pleaded, his eyes puffy and drooping. "Let us go to bed."

"NO!! We shan't go to sleep. We MUST stay awake!"

It was 4 in the morning. Sirius had gotten it into his head that Bill must sneak out of his dorm at night to get food, so he made us all -- James, Remus, Peter, Atonya, Hannah, and Christopher -- stay down in the common room to try to catch him.

"But Sirius.." mumbled Remus, "We've got an Arithmancy final tomorrow."

"WRONG!" Sirius screamed at the top of his lungs. "I DON'T TAKE ARITHMANCY! IT'S ONLY YOU WHO'S DOOMED! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!"

James slept on.

And Bill never came.

"ALRIGHT BILL, LISTEN UP!!" Sirius screamed into the Noble and Most Ancient Loudspeaker of Black. "WE KNOW YOU'RE UP THERE! WE ALSO KNOW THAT YOU ARE ACTING BEYOND REASON! COME DOWN HERE IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, AND I WILL REFRAIN FROM USING THE NOBLE AND MOST ANCIENT HAND GRENADE OF BLACK! YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES!" Sirius put down the loudspeaker and bounced over to the Noble and Most Ancient CD Player of Black (I'd bet 10 galleons there's a noble and most ancient bedpan of Black) and turned on the Jeopardy theme song. At full volume.

James started screeching, "TURN IT DOWN, TURN IT DOWN, TURN IT DOWN!" but Sirius just smiled sweetly and started caressing his hand grenade.

Then as the music was at the final key change, Sirius picked up the loudspeaker and started yelling, "TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ON--"

"AARG, okay, okay, okay, I surrender, just please don't blow me up!" Bill half sprinted, half stumbled out of his dorm.

Sirius put on a pouty face.

"Sirius, why are you sniffling?" Peter asked.

"Because," Sirius snuffled, "I never got to use my hand grenade."

James smirked. "This is why we call him Snuffles."

"Huh?" Christopher said.

Meanwhile, Bill simply stood in his scruffy, too-short pajamas at the bottom of the stairs. He cleared his throat. "So I guess I'll just leave then." He started to trudge upstairs.

Everybody except Sirius froze, but Sirius decided to show off his Beater reflexes (actually, I'm not sure what kind of reflexes they are) and grab Bill by the back of his shirt and yank him onto a weird sofa that looked like it belonged to Bill's Great Auntie Muriel.

"Now, now, Bill, I'm quite sure you'd rather spend the afternoon chatting with us." Sirius was putting on a very forced-looking and almost comical smile that was making Bill look very uncomfortable. Or very questioning of Sirius' sanity. "Now, why did you shut yourself in the dormitory?"

"Bill shifted antsily on the sofa. "Siblings."

Sirius perked up. "Ah..." he said wisely. Or about as wise as Sirius can act. "Siblings, hm? I think you are in need of some professional psychological help."

The look of horror in Bill's eyes is still haunting me.

"Sirius, you're sure about this?" Remus was looking very worried as he, Sirius, James, Christopher, and I walked down the 7th floor corridor at a pace that Sirius only walked at when he was going to meet a girl, or going to Hogsmeade. Or going to eat candy. Any one will work.

"Of course I am, Remus," Sirius said overly-confidently. "I've got an NBA and a GPA in psychology. I'm a professional."

Remus turned green. "I think you mean a Master's degree and a Ph.D."

Sirius eyed Remus oddly. "I'm a Master of Kreacher, not psychology. I've got an NBA and a GPA."

"Sirius, NBA and GPA stand for National Basketball Association and Grade Point Average."

"No, they stand for 'Not Bad At (it)' and 'Great Professional At (it)"

"You just keep thinking that, Sirius."

"Thanks, I will."

I, of course, had absolutely no idea where the heck we were going, but when this weird door appeared on the wall of some 7th floor corridor, I got it.

"Oh, this is that Necessity Room!"

Christopher looked astounded. "Me sister told me about this room! She said she found it when she was really upset, and it was stuffed with chocolate!"

Remus' eyes widened. "What kind of chocolate?"

"Um, I think...Hershey's. Yeah."

"Oh. Cadbury's is better."

Then James interrupted. "Right, shut up."--

"We were shutting up"--

"Whatever. Christopher, Tonks, go and get Bill. We'll set up."

We pivoted and and started down the hall. Just as the Necessity Room's door was closing, Sirius' voice drifted toward us: "Why does the couch have to be leather?"

OoOoOoOoOoO

"Please don't make me," Bill pleaded as we frog marched him down the corridor.

"But Bill--" Christopher started

"It's going to be torture! Sirius trying to make me feel better? Even normal psycho-whatsits don't even help, normally."

"Geez, Bill, how did you know that?" I asked. I mean, come on, he's a stupid pureblood, for goodness' sakes!

"My dad likes researching Muggles."

"Whoah. Creepy."

"Ye--NO!"

"What, it's not creepy? He's researching Muggles!"

"We're here." Christopher said quietly.

I immediately grabbed Bill's shirt and yanked him to the threshold of the Necessity Room. Or, as the door now read,

"Dr. Sirius

NBA, GPA

Professional Family Psychology"

"What?" Bill said, "My family's not even with me!"

"That shows how smart Sirius is." I said, shoving him in.

It had been transformed. Not that I knew for sure. I'd never been there. But it was always transforming, I guess. Anyway, it had a low ceiling, dark wallpaper, a burgundy carpet, and two lone pieces of furniture: an uncomfy-looking swivel chair, and a big, brown leather couch.

"Whoah," Christopher said, as he walked in after me. "Are psychology places normally this depressing?"

"Apparently," I said, picking up a magazine titled 'Psychology Real Estate' which had a Post It on a page that had a picture exactly like the room we were standing in.

"Sirius isn't here," Bill said quietly, making us both jump. "Maybe he forgot!"

"No, I'm sure he just forgot something. He'll come back in a minute. Why are you so scared, anyway?" I jumped onto the couch and hugged one of the pillows, looking at him intently.

"He's going to do weird things to my brain," Bill said whitefacedly. "He's going to make me go loopy like him."

"Well--"

Before I could answer, the door crashed open, with Sirius standing on the threshold. Except, he didn't look at all like Sirius. He had put on a fake pair of glasses and a suit. And he had dyed his hair gray.

"Alright," he said.

We all flinched. He had turned his voice all nasally.

"Will the client lie down on the couch, and will the others go into the waiting room."

WAITING ROOM??

"WAITING ROOM??" we all said at the exact same time.

"Yes, the waiting room. It is located through that door." He pointed at a dark mahogany door opposite the one that led back into the corridor. I had never noticed it before.

Remus cleared his throat and ushered everybody but Sirius and Bill out through that door.

My eyes bugged out when we walked in. It was like, a real waiting room. The boring, outdated magazines, the grayish bluish boring chairs, the odd, sappy pictures of puppies in baskets, even elevator music playing in the backround.

We all looked at eachother and sat down.

"So..." Peter said, pathetically trying to start conversation.

Everybody just looked at him.

He gulped. "Never mind."

We all just sat there feeling very awkward. Until--

"HA HA!" Sirius' fake nasally voice drifted through the door. "EXACTLY RIGHT! YOUNGER SIBLINGS DO NOTHING BUT SKULK AROUND IN THEIR ROOMS AND BECOME OBSESSED IN THEIR OWN LITTLE WORLDS! THEY ALSO TRY TO BE AS HANDSOME AS YOU AND FAIL DISMALLY!"

"Um, right." Christopher said.

No more Sirius outbursts came, until it was over and he said, "Alright, client's friends may come in now."

We all shuffled in, silently questioning Sirius' sanity.

He opened the door to the hall and bowed us out. "Thank you, come again." he kept saying, until we were out of earshot.

We all walked through the halls and down some staircases.

"So." I said, breaking the silence. "How was it, Bill?"

"Erm." Bill started.

"Yes?" Remus said. "Come on, did he make you go loopy like him?"

"Hey," said Christopher, "how did you hear that?"

"All of us were standing outside the door, eavesdropping."

"Oh. So, Bill?"

"Uh," Bill said, "It was interesting. But you know?"

"What?" Peter said.

"I think it really did help."

A/N: Ok, that was it. For anyone who cares, I'll try to update Ten Things About this weekend. And Bill and Charlie this week. Not that any of you care, necessarily.

OMG, I'M SO EXCITED! BREAKING DAWN IS COMING OUT TODAY! I'M SO GOING DOWN TO BORDERS AND GETTING IT!!

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