What Happens When the OC is Technically Evil: A Mary-Sue Gone Weird and Scary Fanfiction
Part The Seventh
((Joyful Note: Hmm… so this is my last pre-written part. I've written a bunch of part 8 already so that's cool. But anyway, I believe I had a cold during this so I was writing from experience. Hooray. Not that you care))
When my eyes at last fluttered open, halfway at least, I discovered myself pressed against Cartman as per usual. I didn't remember taking the initiative in this, but whatever. It was warm, I was still tired, I closed my eyes again. I tried to breathe in through my nose. A snork. Oh good. I tried breathing through my mouth but that dried it out pretty fast. Fuck, fuck, fuck… I didn't want to get up to get a tissue. I didn't. I was warm and comfy and goddamn I shouldn't have to go get one! I glanced at Cartman's face. He seemed asleep.
I looked at his pj top. Oh no, that would be disgusting. I shouldn't even think of that. But didn't he shit on my head? This was totally deserved. I leaned forward, grabbed a bit of it, and blew my nose as quietly as I could manage. Cartman snorted a bit and I froze, but he still seemed asleep. Thank you Jesus. I owe you a cookie for that one. I had used a bit on the side of his top, so I could still safely warm myself in his bulk. Nice. My eyes were about to flutter closed again when I felt Cartman nuzzle forward and rub his nose in my hair. Oh goddamn it. I knew what his handkerchief was. Shit. I was going to need another hair washing now.
"Asshole" I murmured.
"Bitch" I heard as a soft reply. I noticed it was light in the room.
"What time is it?" I whispered.
"I don't know, probably eleven or something" Cartman muttered. We weren't looking at each other. My eyes were in fact back to being mostly closed, and I was facing Cartman's pj top.
"Mmm…" I sighed and closed my eyes completely again "You're so disgusting"
"Thanks, so are you" Cartman said half-sarcastically.
"Whatever." I muttered and sighed "Fucking colds."
"Yeah, you just had to share your cold with me didn't you?" Cartman growled.
I chuckled darkly "Totally. Best thing to share. I assure you Kyle will be the next victim of my illness, so don't feel too bad"
"Heh, I like it better already!" Cartman shook a bit in evil laughter and I joined in. This was actually very peaceful. I wished it could have stayed this way for a while. But then my stomach growled. Oh Lord no. Oh God don't make me have to leave the warmness. No no no no no….
Then I sneezed and my ears plugged up… shit. I was sick all right. I burst into a coughing fit and pushed back from Cartman to sputter that one out. Then he started coughing… fuck. We both had to stagger out of bed and dig out some tissues or something. I stumbled into his bathroom to wash out my hair, he changed his shirt and then in my dizziness all I could manage to do was stumble back to Cartman's bed and collapse again, sneezing. When Cartman came back to I raised my head slightly.
"Please tell me you have cough syrup in your house somewhere?" I moaned.
"Uuuh…. Maybe in the bathroom" Cartman said hoarsely and turned to head out. Huh. He must be sick if he's going to get it for me. And him too I guess. He came back with a bottle of the red stuff. Nice.
"Yessss…." I said happily as he took a swig and handed me the bottle. I knew that the serving was roughly a small mouthful and we both already had the cold so fuck germs. I took one myself and groaned "I fucking hate being sick."
"And it's Saturday! I mean God fucking damn it, you could've at least given me this fucking cold on Monday when I could miss school!" Cartman snapped and collapsed on the bed as well. Things went swimmy for a second. Then the bedroom door opened. Weird…
"C-Cartman? Evalin?" Kyle looked surprised "What the hell are you doing on the same bed?!" he seemed horrified.
"Asshole didn't have a sleeping bag. Don't worry, I caught a cold and gave it to him. Yay revenge" I said monotonously and then coughed.
"Bitch" Cartman muttered and glared over at Kyle "The hell are you doing bursting into my room anyway Jew? You don't like it when I break into your house, hypocrite"
"Why the fuck are you breaking into his house fat ass?" I growled.
"I don't know, various reasons!" Cartman snapped, and then broke out coughing again.
Kyle looked livid "I don't think I feel comfortable with my girlfriend sleeping in the same bed as my worst enemy!!!"
I glared at the ceiling, unable to raise my stuffed up head "Then you shouldn't've sent me back here!"
Kyle rolled his eyes "Well I figured you'd get a sleeping bag or- wait a minute, back here?" uh oh. I think I might've fucked up here and didn't notice… "I thought you came to my house first, how could you-"
Cartman rolled his eyes and huffed "She means send her back here after I kidnapped her before, stupid!"
"Oh" Kyle frowned, still looking pissed though "Well still, this is just- just-"
As Kyle tried to figure out what it 'just' was, I was marveling at Cartman saving my ass. Did this mean I owed him one? Fuck. I hated being in debt worse than having colds. Oh well, more pressing matters at the moment.
"I know Kyle, I'm sorry, but when I got here I was sort of too tired to argue about anything regarding sleeping bags or what have you. It won't happen again I assume. I assume because I'm hoping to find somewhere else to hide out in the event of any future sex parties. You understand" I paused "What exactly are you doing here anyway?"
Kyle paused "Well I went by your house to see if you'd gone home yet but your parents were still a… a… well I'm planning on mentally blocking the images" Kyle grimaced "So I thought maybe you'd still be here… you'd been out kinda late I thought- but geez…" Kyle frowned. I rolled my eyes. What a frikken idiot.
"Well that's fucking fantastic Kyle. But as you can see I'm sick, Cartman's sick, and now because you have infiltrated our snot-ridden domain you too are doomed to the disease. Unless you maybe run home and drink a gallon of orange juice. I don't know. I feel slightly delirious anyway." I glanced up.
"Well… I really only was checking on my way to Stan's but- okay" Kyle frowned "I- I guess I trust you Evalin. But I don't trust fat ass, watch out for him" Kyle, seeming out of character, left. Hmm.
I burst into a coughing fit a minute later.
"Uh, maybe you should like, actually go to a doctor or something. You might have pneumonia or something" Cartman said sounding concerned.
I groaned "Ah fuck I hope not" I sniffed "That means that I need to get a significantly greater amount of cash to pay a medical bill. Which means I need to get my parents to actually leave the house and go to the doctor to pay. Which will suck ass. If I can wait it out without that horror I will, thanks"
Cartman frowned "That's great Evalin, except that you're kind of infiltrating on my hospitality right no-"
"God I could use some OJ" I muttered, eyes half closed.
"Evalin, you can't stay he-"
"OJ would be so awesome right now"
"Goddamn it Eva-"
"OJ is really good for colds and stuff"
"No Evalin I'm not getting you-"
"Geez, I sure could use some-"
"NO EVALIN THAT'S A BAD EVALIN!"
"I- wait." I stared at him. Then I went on "You know, orange juice has-"
"FINE! GOD!" Cartman yelled, throwing his arms in the air and hobbling off the bed. Heh heh. Win.
Cartman returned with a glass of OJ… and a smile. Uh oh. I looked at the glass warily for a moment. Then it occurred to me. Damn, my reflexes were slow.
"You peed in it didn't you?"
Cartman's jaw dropped and he glared "You- but- n-NO!"
"Right" I said deadpan. Then I smirked "Then you take a sip first."
Cartman looked stricken "Uh… I uh- I shouldn't have to prove myself to you bitch!"
I rolled my eyes "Oh come on Cartman. It's totally obvious you peed in that glass. Now just pour it out and let's forget about it"
Cartman glared "You are such an ass ramming dyke."
"Whatever" I muttered. I felt a bit dizzy again, and couldn't really go all out on an insult at the moment. We looked at each other. He glared for a bit but noticing he's looking at just a tired expression it seemed to somewhat dissipate. He sighed.
"Just… just go back to sleep. I'm getting breakfast" Cartman left the room and I sniffed again, burying my head into the pillows. Worked for me, I was still out of my mind tired and I was perfectly willing to sleep my illness away.
Or, you know, I would have. Except for sudden insomnia. Fuck. An hour later I was lying still, eyes closed, no blissful unconsciousness. Crap.
I heard fat boy calling my name. I didn't answer.
I heard him approaching the bed. I didn't move.
I felt his lips on mine.
I kissed back.
Goddamn, I must really need to see a doctor.
*****
I spent the whole of Saturday at Cartman's. His mom didn't come home and no one came over looking for either of us. And I attribute everything I'm about to describe that seems like affectionate actions towards Cartman to the incapacitating sickness I have undergone. Because I did hate Cartman, just as I hated everyone else and that wasn't going to change. Forget it.
Really.
So after Cartman and I kissed we sort of looked at each other for a moment.
Finally I said "You know I don't like you"
Cartman shrugged "I don't really give a fuck"
We stared another moment. Then I returned his shrug "Okay" and we went back to kissing.
Don't look at me like that. I don't know why I was doing it. I was just doing it. End. Don't question it. I felt nothing. Really.
REALLY.
So following that we sort of laid on his bed a while longer before we both sort of went downstairs and got some cereal (Super Sugar Nuggets, luckily my stuffed nose prevented much taste from it). Then we went into his living room and watched TV for a while.
Yes my head was on his shoulder. Yes his arm was around me. No, I didn't feel anything. I didn't like him. I hated him, just like everyone else. He just made a good pillow is all. He was soft. And warm. But I didn't feel anything.
REALLY.
I-I was just setting him up to break his heart, like any other boy! Duh!
The Simpsons ended and Cartman changed channels. A music video was playing,
Taylor Swift.
Love Story.
My God.
And I said "Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone"
"Urg, turn that bitch OFF!" I moaned, covering my ears. Cartman looked down with a raised eyebrow.
"Dude, it's not that bad a song"
"I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run"
"Yes. It. Is. It butchers Shakespeare!" I complained angrily.
Cartman looked confused "How?"
"You'll be the prince"
"The two idiots are supposed to DIE!"
"and I'll be the princess"
"… well maybe it's not about Romeo and Juliet" Cartman said slowly.
"… what do you mean?" it came out breathlessly. I have no idea why. Probably my nose was preventing proper breathing.
YES! REALLY!
"It's a love story, baby just say yes"
"W-ell," Cartman dragged out to my annoyance "Maybe it's just about two people who love each other and she just used the names Romeo and Juliet as an allegory to get listeners to register the love concept with her song." Weird. He knew the word allegory.
"So I sneak out to the garden to see you"
"But… but it said… Romeo and Juliet…" I faded out.
"We keep quiet cause we're dead if they knew"
Cartman snorted "Seriously, other than the names, WHAT about that song has to do with Romeo and Juliet? Both young sure, but Romeo never spoke to Juliet's dad, Juliet and Romeo never went anywhere together, Romeo didn't throw any pebbles, there's nothing. It's just… A Love Story"
"So close your eyes"
I stared. Wow. Uh… that… really never occurred to me before now. Really. That was a bit jarring.
Escape this town for a little while
"Okay… okay you're right" I muttered, flushing a little. Goddamn.
Cause you were Romeo I was a scarlet letter
"No duh. Besides, I kinda like this song" Cartman grinned. I glared.
"and my Daddy said "Stay away from Juliet!"
"Well I still don't! It still pisses me off for some reason! But due to your goddamn logic now I don't have a decent excuse as to why!" I snapped. Cartman rolled his eyes and lean down to kiss me again. I let him. I didn't give a crap. It's like I said, no feeling whatsoever towards it. And I was leading him on too.
REALLY GODDAMNIT!
But you were everything to me, I was begging you please don't go!
And then… and then… w-why was I pushing Cartman on his back against the couch?! Oh God! Oh God Evalin stop! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
And I said "Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone"
I was… I was KISSING HIM?! No Evalin! B-bad! Oh geez… no, no, calm down. Be cool. There is a reason. Maybe… maybe I'm delusional. Due to illness. Yes. That is the reason. It… it has to be! Or I'm leading him on like Kyle! Yeah! Just like Kyle!
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
And Kyle standing there staring at us horrifically was a hallucination! Yeah!
You'll be the prince
"E-Evalin?" Kyle gasped. I didn't stop. Had to be a hallucination. Oh God it had to be.
And I'll be the princess
"K-Kyle?" Cartman gasped as my lips drew back. My eyes flew open. They looked at Kyle.
It's a love story
"Oh. Fuck." I grimaced. Kyle had returned and looked completely deflated. We stared at each other, Kyle's eyes going slowly between mine and Cartman's "Um… I'd say I can explain… but I don't think I can"
Baby just say yes
"This… this isn't happening" Kyle whispered. I sneezed.
"EWW! GOD!" Cartman gasped. He'd gotten a face full "Evalin!"
"Well excuse my wretched illness fatass!" I snapped down at him.
Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel
"You… but… C-Cartman…" Kyle's eyes looked like they were going to water. Damn it. Damn it Damn it Damn it! This has NEVER happened before!
This love is difficult, but it's real!
I have NO IDEA how to deal with this! This was detonating a bomb before I even tried to light the fuse! WHY?! I hadn't even got a chance to turn him against Stan! All I could get now was the Jew crying, that was IT!! DAMN DAMN DAMN!
Don't be afraid we'll make it out of this mess
Kyle did cry a bit, but mostly strangled sobs. Cartman seemed ecstatic but I was pissed.
It's a love story, baby just say yes
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Your girlfriend likes me more then you!" Cartman laughed. I glared. So much for saving my ass. I fumbled the remote and managed to click the Swift Song off anyway. Thank God.
"NOT HELPING!" I growled.
"But it's… it's CARTMAN Evalin! How can you like HIM!?" Kyle demanded.
"I- I don't know, I-" I paused to think. I didn't like him. But he liked me. Kyle was upset but my payoff was lost. But… but what if I led Cartman on a while? Hadn't I just been doing that? I could break him… I just… I just needed time to figure out how. Yes, yes this could be my best challenge ever! "I just do"
Cartman raised an eyebrow, unsure what the hell I meant by that. I gave a small smirk his direction. Kyle's breathing came in strangled gasps.
"But… but… I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Kyle grabbed at his hat and seemed totally unable to comprehend anyone having the slightest attraction to the tub of lard currently positioned beneath me.
"Well maybe if you spy on us making out some more you'll have an epiphany!" Cartman snapped at the Jewish boy. He glared.
"Fine! Just- Just fine! I'm going!" Kyle shouted and strode out angrily. I sighed. That was nothing. I'd seen boys cry before. This was a failure. How utterly annoying.
I hate it when plans go awry. This was only the 4th time I'd failed at this game since I started breaking boys hearts, and two of those were only because my parents moved away before I could land the final blow properly.
Oh well. Best to salvage something. I turned my attention to the lard butt. We looked at each other.
"So… now what?" he asked.
"I don't know" I shrugged, but smiled suggestively "But I'm all for continuing what we were doing before that little interruption"
"… Awesome" was his reply.
*****
So that went on. For a while. A long while. We spent the whole rest of the day undisturbed. Of course this horrified me to wonder if the guests had torn down my chair barricade in this clearly long party. It has happened before, and some of my books still smell like piss. I only keep them so I know what I need new copies of.
Finally we ended up in his bed again. No, no obviously we didn't do anything like THAT. We ARE nine. Even if I read too much teen manga. Cartman only knows that kissing feels nice, he isn't getting erections over it. So that's not happening. I'm certain when I'm sixteen I can figure out a whole array of wonderful ways to break a man with more sexual means. I'm sure they exist. I can find them. At the moment I needed to figure out how to break a boy who knew everything about my manipulation. He said he didn't give a damn. Okay. That was a start, but now I needed to figure out how hard it would be to convince him I actually fell in love with him.
Because you see, I already thought perhaps I could stroke his ego and make him believe he was just that special. It could work, but the major problem was figuring out if he really believed I liked him or if he was faking. Unlike Kyle who was honest as fuck, this kid seemed to be able to lie through his teeth. A challenge, but one I could easily rise to. And after that I can off my parents and begin my life as a true bane on the existence of men. So exciting!
"Hey Evalin?" Cartman whispered.
"Mm hm?"
"You aren't plotting to try to get me to commit suicide like Kyle are you? Because there's no way I'd ever do that" Cartman snorted. I rolled my eyes. We'll see.
"No of course not. I know you wouldn't commit suicide. But maybe some tears…" I ventured a sideways glance at him. He looked annoyed.
"So all that making out meant nothing bitch?!"
I groaned "And you expected it to?" really. After all he knew about me he would trust me so easily now? What an egotistical fucktard. That isn't challenging at all.
Cartman sputtered "Well, you spend all this time with me when you could be making Kyle like you, you fucking made out with me and wrecked your plans for destroying said Jew; you're lying in my bed right now. And you mean to tell me you're planning on just breaking me like any other boy toy?"
I was irritated "Of course! You seriously think I'd change for you? Fat chance" Wait a second… what was I doing? This was alienating him, not drawing him in…
Cartman seemed to fall into an angry stupor for a while, but soon his forehead wrinkles smoothed a bit and he seemed to be pondering something.
"Okay" he said finally.
"Okay?"
"Yeah. Okay. You can try to break me if you want. But you'll fall in love with me first" Cartman grinned.
I scoffed "I could dump you right now"
"But you won't. I don't love you enough to be devastated enough for you"
I raised an eyebrow "Good point…"
Cartman smirked with a raised eyebrow. Wow. That looked… cool. Oh shit "Then the race is on. Whoever falls first is at the mercy of the other"
Interesting "So the game is manipulation… sounds good to me"
So we snuggled against each other and pressed our lips together to seal the deal and signal the start of the 'game'
But it meant nothing. I didn't feel anything for Eric Cartman. I think.