Still don't own anything. I tried and failed to own Twilight. I'm putting the pain of that aside to bring you another chapter of this. The idea is comedy therapy.
Carlisle thinks: Bella
Shield. That's what Bella's vampire power turned out to be. The girl can shield anyone from something like Edward's mind-reading or Jane's method of inflicting pain through the pain. Even as a human, she could do that. Jane never caused her to feel any pain, and Edward has almost never heard anything from her mind. But seriously, I've never known someone to become a vampire and have their talent carried over from their human life. I mean, she could use her shield when she was human, and I've never known that to happen. I had hoped the shield would disappear when she changed. But no. She has to keep the shield and stay awesome. (Hope you heard that Edward!) And once again I'm reminded of the fact that I'm not awesome.
I wish I could do that. I would like to stop Edward from being able to read my thoughts at any given time. As it is, sometimes I can get Bella to put her shield over my mind so Edward can't read my thoughts, but it doesn't always work. He seems to think lately that I've gone slightly crazy. I don't know why. But she seems to think she should be charging for this service. I've paid her several thousand in the past few years to occasionally shield my mind. Isn't it enough that my family gave her a car and a cottage? She now has to charge to be the shield in the family. Or something. Well, I don't see why I have to be the only one to actually do something to earn money. The others all just tend to go along for the ride. I know I'm really wealthy, but it's ridiculous. Esme sometimes works but prefers to be a stay at home 'mom'and doesn't work often. Emmett would probably take the comedy route with any job he got and therefore get fired; Edward would quit after a week because his coworkers' thoughts would drive him around the bend; Jasper is still not entirely comfortable around humans; Alice and Rosalie would much rather shop. They're a fashion store worker's nightmare-I really can't imagine them behind the counter. Rosalie would snap at anyone who copped an attitude and Alice would scare everyone with her enthusiastic-pixie-on-drugs routine.
I suppose I should be grateful to Bella during our stand-off with the Volturi-Jane tried to make me feel pain but Bella just kept the shield on and I didn't feel a thing. Ha! Take that Janey. Probably the second time ever someone didn't drop to the ground in agony from her stare-the first time being when she tried to give Bella a dose of pain.
(Bella walks in, very graceful for a vampire)
Bella: HI Carlisle! Edward keeps going through your thoughts and laughing at what you're thinking. You want me to put the shield over you?
Carlisle: Yes thanks. How much will that be?
Bella: $15,000. I've got to adjust my rates because of the economy nowadays. And don't complain about going bankrupt because you still have billions and my shield is worth the cost.
(Carlisle writes out the check and hands it to Bella who takes it and skips away.)
As well as doing a really good job of being a shield, Bella does a really good job of getting my money. Well, if it means I get some privacy from Edward for a while, it's worth it.
Bella: Carlisle, I'm just putting the shield over Esme as well. She told me to get the money from you. So that'll be another $10,000. Thanks!
Esme: Why did you charge Carlisle $5000 more to shield him than me?
Bella: Oh, he's just old. You're still relatively young, Esme, so I charge less for you. I charge more to shield Jasper or Alice than Rosalie or Emmett.
(Jumps out the window and runs to her cottage. Esme and Carlisle stare at each other in shock.)
Esme: Well, I'm going to go and try one of those new anti-wrinkle lotions. Alice got it for me the other week in New York.
(She goes from the room to her bathroom where there are all the anti-aging products stored, courtesy of Alice)
Esme: Oh. I just realized. I'm a vampire. I don't show any signs of aging. At all.
(Throws away all the anti-aging products)
Carlisle: (talking to himself again) My wife is obsessing over a wrinkle, which she doesn't even get. I'm bored. Maybe I should call one of my friends and have them come over to hang out. Oh, I know!
(Sits on the floor, gets out a cell phone and dials)
Carlisle: Hello, it's Carlisle... Yes, Carlisle Cullen. Everyone else has gone out hunting and I'm bored. Do you want to come over and hang out? We could play dress-ups or something... Okay, see you soon.
(10 minutes later, Aro, Caius and Marcus materialize, having climbed through the window.)
Aro: (looks around) What happened to the desk? And the chair? And the computer? And the radio? And the TV?
Carlisle: Oh, they were annoying me, so I smashed them or threw them out the window.
Caius: (looks impressed) Badass, dude! High-five!
(They high-five, then all four of them begin dancing a bizarre cross between ballet and hip-hop.)
Marcus: (squealing like a little girl) Oooh, I know! Let's do some baking for when your family gets back Carly!
Carlisle: (jumping up and down so fast he puts holes in the floor and dents the door) Geeenyus! Let's go!
Aro: To the kitchen!
(They then spend the next eight hours baking. During this time they bake eleven types of cake, seventeen different flavoured batches of cupcakes, forty-six batches of cookies, and then delve into cooking meals. First they try to cook sushi, then pizza, lasagne, pork chops, baked potatoes, escargot and finally a chocolate soufflé. Eventually they get bored of cooking and dig into the liquor cabinet.)
Several empty liquor bottles later...
Caius: I know! Food fight!
They begin throwing all the food they made and then start using raw ingredients and tossing dirty dishes around the house.)
Two hours later, it begins snowing. (Even though it's the middle of June)
Aro: Oh look, it's snowing! Time for a snowy Christmas. (He reads Carlisle's mind) Genius! Let's get prepared to greet everyone!
(They stagger upstairs to the dress-up closet, find what they need and get dressed. They hurry downstairs to greet the rest of the Cullens.)
Downstairs, the rest of the Cullens walk in. Esme is last to walk in and wonders why her family was so quick to hide. She looks around and sees dirty dishes and mountains of food thrown everywhere: stuck to the hallway walls, in the kitchen, on the windows, in the living room and generally everywhere in the first floor.
Esme: (screaming borderline hysterically) WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON HERE? CARLISLE! Get your sorry butt here NOW!
(Aro bounces out of the kitchen and throws his arms around Esme. He is followed by Caius, Marcus and Carlisle.)
Caius: Ezzie, honey, don't worrily. We was just havin'a lil fun... ya kno, jus' kinda havin a bitta a partieeeyy
(Esme looks from one grinning face to the next and nearly collapses)
Esme: Carlisle Cullen, explain to me now why the house is a bombsite and then explain why you are dressed like that.
(Emmett and Rosalie sneak into the hallway to watch, followed by Alice, Bella and then Jasper and Edward. They all only just manage to suppress their laughter at the sight of Carlisle and the Volturi looking like complete morons.)
Carlisle: Umm... Well... I was bored... So I called Aro... We did some baking... then we decided to dress up and play games...
(Esme collapses in the hallway and places her hand over her eyes, moaning 'Please make it all go away')
Emmett: Carlisle, do you know how much of an idiot you look right now? And the rest of you... So much for the leaders of the vampire world. (Produces a camera and begins filming each one of them in turn)
Carlisle: Whaddya mean? I think I look pretty damn fine!
(Emmett takes him by the arm and steers him to a full-length mirror)
Emmett: Now do you see what I mean?
Carlisle: Ummm... Oh crap!
(Carlisle sobers up pretty quickly and buries his face in his hands. Esme leaps to her feet.)
Esme: Carlisle?
(He looks at her with a hopeful puppy-dog look on his face).
Esme: You can explain now, why you're dressed like that. And then you can clean the entire house single-handedly. No-one will help you, and Bella is not going to shield you for a year.
(Carlisle whimpers and looks at Esme sorrowfully)
Esme: None of that. You four can start cleaning. I'm going to supervise, and the sane vampires around here are not going to do anything towards helping you all. And if the house isn't spotless within three days, I'm going to tear it down and you can rebuild it entirely by yourself. No help, no builders, nothing.
Two days later:
Esme is finally satisfied with the cleanliness of the house. Emmett spent ages watching and pointing out spots we'd missed, and we'd go back over them only to realize we hadn't actually missed them. Alice had a vision of how clean the house would be which satisfied Esme (who knew she could be such a tyrant?) and Edward read our minds. Said there was no remorse or anything which might have appeased Esme (the traitor). Rosalie and Bella watched us cleaning and laughed as we did. Probably something to do with how messy the floor was and the fact that we all had to crawl around on our hands and knees cleaning the floor to Esme's exact standards. I doubt they'll ever take the Volturi seriously again. Or me. (Sobs)
(Esme walks in to his study)
Esme: Good work cleaning. I just want to lay down your punishment: No hugs, no affection, no sex, nothing, for three months. And Bella isn't going to shield you for a year. No exceptions. Okay?
Carlisle: You can't be serious? You are...? (defeated) Okay.
Edward: You're getting off lightly, believe me.
Esme: He's right. I was originally leaning towards killing your Merc. Then I thought of burning all your books. Then I considered making you move into a little hut in the middle of a forest, or go on shopping trips with Alice every week for a year.
(Carlisle gulps)
Edward: But Jasper convinced her to go with something less violent or drastic. Besides, three months isn't much to us.
Carlisle: Wait, what? Three months? Why don't you just make it a year and have done with it?
Esme: Okay. A year. (Smiles and walks out the door. Edward follows.)
(Carlisle groans and slams his head repeatedly against the wall, creating several dents and a few holes)
Esme walks back in.
Esme: Once you're finished smashing the wall to pieces, can you explain why I walked in to find Aro dressed as Santa Claus, Caius and Marcus as elves and you as his main helper?
Oh. Crap.
Carlisle: (morose, as he hangs his head) Mrs Claus actually.
Esme: (hysterical now) WHAAAAAAT?
Downstairs, the rest of the family collapses in fresh hysterics.
Carlisle: (talking to himself while he tears his bookcase apart and throws his books everywhere) Remind me that the next time I play dress ups, I'll dress up as a male character.
And there's another chapter. Carlisle dressed as Mrs Claus. The Volturi as Santa Claus and elves. The idea came to me as I was walking through a store that was putting up Christmas stuff already... even though it's barely October (I'm sure Christmas comes earlier every year-anyone else think that?). I really do get inspiration in the weirdest places. How about reviews? They're fairly non-weird places. :D
Please review, and if you have any ideas for the next chapter (Esme) I'd love to hear them. This fanfic has had more reviews than any of my other stories have had, which I love. Reviews brighten my day :)