Is It Worth It?
Chapter 6
Classes seemed to go on forever the next day, and poor Moony. It was a full moon that night. This was probably why James, Sirius and Peter could all be found sleeping on their desks in Herbology.
Except, James was having a nightmare involving him finding out Lily's secret. And it turned out to be that Lily was married.
"NO!" James woke up screaming. Looking around with wild eyes, and thumping heart, James noticed all the amused eyes looking at him.
"Sorry," he muttered as he looked into Lily's eyes and started to blush.
"Class! Class, if Mr. Potter is done with his n-nap, lets get back to our les-sson," the professor stuttered.
Just then, James heard some snickering next to him, and realized that Sirius and Remus were up and laughing at him.
"Shut up," he growled and pushed Sirius, whom landed on Remus, who almost had an encounter with the cold, hard, dirt covered floor.
O
That night, Lily couldn't wake up. She just sat on her bed and looked at a scrapbook, reminiscing on easier times. More fun times.
Feeling the prickling of tears in her eyes, Lily sighed and slammed the book shut and threw it over the edge of the bed. "Why can't it ever be easy for me? " She demanded.
Getting off the bed and picking up a green silk robe from the foot of the bed, Lily put it on over her night clothes and headed downstairs, where the fire was still going.
Sitting on the couch and curling up into a ball, Lily stared into the flames and tried to think about how her life would have ended up if nothing had happened. If she hadn't ended up pregnant, and lost the child.
With that in mind, Lily drifted off to sleep, the endless night catching up with her.
O
James walked into the common room, dreaming only of the couch. Knowing, that if he attempted the stairs that he'd just end up back at the bottom of them. Sighing as he caught sight of the couch, he dragged his dreary body over to it. And nearly plopped himself down on Lily's sleeping body.
So beautiful, he thought with a smile as he looked down at her.
"Lily?" he tried, knowing that she'd feel the use of the couch in the morning if she continued to sleep there.
"Lily," he tried again.
And she's out, he thought with a sigh as he looked up from Lily's sleeping body to the stairs. Groaning, James bent down and winced as his back cracked. Picking Lily's small, almost weightless body up, James started for the stairs.
"Don't let me fall," he pleaded as he started up the stairs.
"James?" Lily croaked as she tried to open her eyes.
"Yes, Lily?" he questioned, astonished that she was actually aware that it was him.
"Don't leave me," she pleaded as she wound her arms around his neck and snuggled into him.
James frowned down at her and entered her room. Walking over to the bed, James laid her down and went to pull away, when he felt her pulling him down with her. "Sleep. Stay. Sleep," she muttered as she pulled at him feebly.
James looked at her with wide eyes, then started to smile. This might be his only chance and she was inviting him. He couldn't say no.
Shrugging out of his robe, slipping out of his shoes, and taking his glasses off and putting them on the nightstand, James got into the bed with a grin on his face. This was a dream come true to him.
Sleeping in the same bed as Lily Evans.
James fell asleep with a smile on his face that night.
O
Sometime during the night, Lily must have discarded her robe, because the emerald green material laid in a heap at the foot of the bed, leaving Lily in a black cami and white drawstring cotton pajama bottoms.
James left on of his hands resting possessively low on her hip, while the other one rose from it's position by his side to brush the frizzy locks that had escaped her bun away from her face.
While awake, Lily had a strikingly beautiful face. She had a small/pert nose, stunning eyes that could read your soul with just a look, and full, pouty lips that James could still taste, and her face was an intricate web to be figured out. But, while she was sleeping, she looked absolutely….angelic. Like nothing had ever touched her. Her jaw had this softness that was never present while awake, and she just looked so peaceful. It was an alluring sight to say the least.
James ran his gaze over her sleeping form for the second time, only to return to her lips. What would she do if he kissed her? Taste her again? Would she hit him? Would she respond?
There's only one way to find out, his mind instructed. James grinned. He was right. There was only one way to find out. With that thought, James shifted his body a little to the left and gently rested his lips on hers. Keeping the contact, James waited to feel some kind of sign that she was waking. There was none.
With a smile, James shifted a little more so that Lily was on her back, the blue and silver covers, which had to have been changed since he remembered that they were once white and green like the rest of the room, and leaned on his side. Without hesitation, James laid his mouth on hers again, this time, nibbling at the ripe bottom lip softly, eliciting a moan of pleasure from Lily's throat, causing James to smile as he continued to softly nibble.
O
Lily was having a wonderful dream. She was sitting in a meadow full of an array of different colored flowers, the sun was bright, the sky was a soft blue, and she was laying down on a soft, comfortable blanket in the middle of it all.
But that's not what made the dream wonderful. There was another person there, and he was kissing her. And it was the most amazing feeling, his soft lips, the warmth of his breath, and the tickling strokes of his tongue across her lips. She didn't know who he was , but he had to be the most attentive kisser she'd ever known.
The mouth on hers kept nibbling and licking until finally she opened her mouth, granting him access.
His tongue didn't try to extract her tonsils as he kissed her, which most guys tried to do when they kissed her. It was almost as if they wanted to hurry and get that powerful release he knew that the kiss could lead to.
NO, he used a softness, a slowness that added details to her dream. It made her dream more life like. And when his tongue flicked over the sensitive roof of her mouth, Lily moaned lightly; then sighed as he drew back.
And that's when Lily realized that she wasn't dreaming. She opened her eyes to see the night sky that was painted. And when she turned her head a fraction to the left, she realized that James Potter was the one who had done the kissing.
He was settled on his right side, his right arm propped up and his head was cradled by the hand, and the sheet and comforter rested carelessly low on his hips, showing off his gray wife beater, and the waistband of the black pants. He Lily knew that she looked confused. It was too early for her to try to mask her feelings. And she was in fact confused. What the hell is Potter doing in my bed? She wondered as she tried to remember how she even got into her room.
The last thing that she remembered was staring into the dying embers of the fire in the common room late last night.
Lily frowned. How'd she get in her room?
"I carried you," James answered Lily's question.
Lily, not realizing that hse had said that out loud, looked at James quickly and replaced her frown with a raised eyebrow. "Okay, that explains why I'm in my room, in bed, but why are you in my bed?"
"Because you asked me to stay."
"I did?" she asked incredulously.
James simply nodded his head and waited for Lily's reaction. In the past week and a half, he had realized that Lily wasn't as predictable as he had thought that she was. She reacted to situations differently every time now. So, there was no way to know how she was going to deal with this one.
"I don't remember that," she admitted slowly, as she frowned again, trying to remember.
James couldn't help but think that she looked sexy as she frowned, a little line forming between her brows as she tried to remember what happened last night. And he couldn't help but want to brush his fingers lightly over that line, and make it go away. She was so cute, even when she was confused. And even when she was mad. Though he'd rather see her mad at someone else rather than him.
"What are you staring at?" Lily asked, snapping James out of his thoughts. James looked down into the emerald eyes that he so loved and smiled. "You. You're cute when yoyu're thinking hard like that. You get this line –" he said as he raised his hand and brushed the line that was still visible, "right here."
Lily blinked rapidly as she stared at James. Did he just say that she looked cute when she was thinking. "Right," she drawled in a confused tone.
"And you're even cuter when you're confused. But I think that you're cute no matter what, so there probably isn't a single expression that you have that I would say wasn't cute," he smiled, entranced by the sparkling humor that had sprung into her eyes, making the emerald orbs shine brightly.
"You're a werid one Potter," she told him with a shake of her head. "And it's too early to try to get my head to focus on when I asked you to stay, so I'm going to let it slide for now. Unless," she continued, "You feel like telling me when this happened."
"Sure," he told her with a shrug of his strong, wide shoulders. Shoulders that Lily remembered laying her head on. Lily shook her head slightly and got read to listen to James. It just might answer some of her questions. Though she highly doubted it.
"I brought you upstairs when I saw you sleeping on the couch last night, and after laying you down on the bed, I had tried to stand up straight, but you wouldn't let me, saying that you wanted me to stay with you. So I did."
Lily frowned. That didn't sound like her. Yet it did. She wouldn't have wanted him anywhere near her while she was awake, but while she was sleeping, and she always said what she wanted to, and got what she wanted when she was half or even all the way asleep. So she didn't doubt that if she had wanted to sleep in the same bed with James that it wouldn't have happened. It sounded as if it did. And, now that she was awake, she wasn't so sure that she didn't want him far away from her after all. Last night had been the first time in a year that she had slept peacefully. No dreams. Well, besides the one that she had had moments before she woke up. But still, not nightmares.
Maybe it's time that I finally let my fears go, and try to get over them, she thoguth as she turned on to her back and stared at the ceiling. It doesn't mean that I'll forget, but maybe, it's time that I start living my life again. It's been two years already Lily. Don't you think that you suffered enough?
"Why aren't you a prick anymore?" Lily asked James suddenly.
James stared at Lily for a few minutes in surprise before he looked away. "Let's just say that I learned that there are more important things in life than what people think of me."
"How'd you learn that?" she pried. For some reason, knowing this answer seemed to be important to her.
James swallowed hard as he remembered all that he had gone through over the summer, and he breathed a deep breath to rid his eyes of the tears that wanted to spill over.
"My Grandmother was murdered. He told her in a harsh whisper.
Lily gasped softly and raised a hand to her throat. "I'm so sorry James."
James looked at Lily then, and gave a lopsided smile. "Thank you. And I'm sorry for your loss too." He said without thinking. Remembering the night that he heard Lily and Bella talking about the baby.
Lily frowned even as her eyes widened. He couldn't know, could he? Her mind screamed in shock. "E-excuse me?" she stuttered.
James's eyes widened. Oh shit! "Um, oh, uh, nothing." He retorted nervously.
"Y-you know. How?" Lily asked shakily. She didn't know how, but James had found out about her dead baby. She just knew somehow, that he knew. It was in the way he looked at her when he said that. With sympathy and sorrow. He knew!
James gulped, suddenly afraid of what Lily was going to do with him. What if she gets mad, and says that she'd never talk to him again? What would he do then? I can't go back to living without her in my life. Not now. Now that I've tasted her. "I'm so sorry Lily! I really am, I didn't mean to listen, but I had to know! And I knew that you'd never tell me! And I hated seeing you so sad, so helpless. I've wanted to help you since you came back for our fifth year!" he babbled. As he sat up on his side of the bed and sat Indian style, waving his arms frantically.
"You listened to what?" she asked calmly. Too calmly for James' liking.
"Your, um… your conversation with Bella the other night," he confessed.
Lily closed her eyes on a deep breath. Something inside of her was screaming for her to trust him. To let him help her. She missed being herself. The person that she was on the inside. Not the image that she had to put up to keep her safe. She wanted to be her again. And James, for some reason - she knew that James would do everything that he could to help her be her again. To help her be happy. And she so wanted to be happy again. To be able to be free, and passionate, and just her.
Trust him.
Lily opened her eyes, only to see James staring at her apprehensively, as if he was scared that she was going to hex him into a dancing turtle or something. Lily sighed. She had just made up her mind. If he hadn't deserted her as soon as he found out, he must have cared for her at least a little bit, enough for him to try to get to know her without automatically judging. She was going to tell him. Tell him everything. And it was going to be her choice to do so. Lily had always thought that if anyone besides Bella found out about what happened, that they'd make her talk, but no, she knew that James would give her the chance to come to him on her own to tell him the whole story. And she would. But not now. As it was, they only had forty minutes until their meeting with the Headmaster.
Lily sighed again and looked James straight in the eyes. "I need to talk to you, but it's going to have to be later. We have only forty minutes left until we have to go to Dumbledore's office," she explained wearily. And, she silently added, I need to think of a way to tell you all of this.
James nodded eagerly, as he watched her face intently. She didn't look mad to him. So maybe she wasn't? But, what did she have to tell him? Should he be worried?
"Okay, I'm going to take a shower then," he told her as he jumped off the bed. He was scared that she was going to change her mind and transfigure him into something painful. "I'll see you in thirty minutes!" he called out as he walked through the door that led to the bathroom.
Lily sighed and dragged the pillow that James had been laying on over her head to muffle her scream.
It smelled like him!
Lily groaned as she smacked the pillow back into place. There was no denying the fact that James Potter affected her body physically. Not when just the smell of him turned her on. But, to Lily's dismay, there was also no denying to herself that James Potter didn't pull at her heartstrings either. She couldn't hide it from herself, and she honestly didn't know how much longer she'd be able to hide that she was falling in love with him.
That she had been falling in love with him since the fourth year. And, ironically enough, Lily had planned to come back in the fifth year, and accept James' invitation to go out the next time he had asked. But, circumstances stopped that from happening.
Lily rolled out of bed, careful not to fall out as she did nearly every other morning, and sighed. Maybe she should give them- what they could be as a couple, a chance. And, if the idiot didn't love her, well, she would make him love her.
Satisfied with her reasoning, Lily looked in her mirror and grimaced. She looked like shit.
Yet he called you cute, her mind told her smugly.
So, Lily retorted childishly.
"I hate mornings," she groaned loudly as she realized that she was arguing with herself. Lily draped herself out in one of the emerald wing chairs that were set up by the fire. The chairs were extremely comfortable no matter which way you decided to sit in them which was a good thing considering that Lily never really sat in chairs right. Especially when she was reading. Which was in fact, quite often.
After she heard James get out of the shower, and the door connected to his room close, Lily rose and went to take her shower, hoping that she'd figure out a way to explain to James just what had happened in her past.