Shall I Listen?
Naruto hadn't been able to bring himself to find Sakura, despite what Tsunade had told him. Instead of finding her, he had wandered around Konoha, avoiding all the places people usually went. He was good at that, finding the deserted places, because he had done it so often as a child. Eventually he had found himself at the top of the Hokage's monument, on top of the Yondaime's head. He sat there, hardly moving, prepared to keep vigil for hours, just gazing at the Village Hidden in the Leaves spread out before him, full of life that he felt had never completely included him.
He didn't know why he had gone there. The Yondaime was a powerful influence in his life, he knew, but it didn't really make sense. He knew so little about the man who had given him such a terrible power at the ultimate price. No one talked about him much except to say that he had saved the village and that he was a genius. He had learned the Yondaime's Rasengan technique, but what else did he know now that he hadn't known before? Jiraiya was surprisingly tight-lipped about his former student. Naruto didn't know why, but it struck him as wrong.
He couldn't put it in to words, but it was like Jiraiya wanted to tell Naruto a lot of things. The problem was that he didn't. Often Jiraiya looked at him like he was looking at someone else, like Naruto was a dead person come to life again, and suddenly Jiraiya would turn a little, like he was trying to see Naruto from a different angle just to be sure, and then the moment would be over, with no words—none at all— to give Naruto any clue as to what these moments could mean. The only time Naruto had asked, Jiraiya had pretended like he hadn't heard, and oddly enough Naruto, for once, had given up completely on something after his first failed attempt. Something had told him it was more fruitless than any other endeavor he had ever put himself into.
It didn't stop him from wondering, though. He had a lot of questions, questions he had never asked, questions he never expected answers for. Why, for instance, had the Yondaime put the Kyuubi inside of him and not some other child? And where had his parents been? Had they just left him for the demon to consume?
He didn't like thinking of these things. As a child his thoughts had often wandered to his parents, but as he had gotten older he told himself it didn't matter who they were and tried not to think about it. Most often he succeeded, but at times like this, he failed miserably.
While he was sitting and thinking what he could about his parents and the Yondaime, it began to rain, heavily, but he hardly noticed. He continued to sit, letting the rain drench him until his clothes were sticking to every bit of skin they touched and his hair was dripping in his eyes.
He told himself, like he had so many times before, that his parents didn't matter because he still had people that cared about him: Iruka, theThird (Naruto still counted him even though he was gone), Jiraiya, Tsunade, Kakashi, most of his Academy classmates, Gaara, and… Sakura. Sakura with pink hair, Sakura who had become his best friend, Sakura who meant more to him than he was capable of understanding. Normally thoughts of his favorite teammate cheered him inexplicably, but at that moment it only brought feelings he was trying to convince himself he didn't want anymore. Why was it so hard to be with her now? He thought knew the answer to this question; he just didn't want to think about it. But he had to. Tsunade had told him to explain himself, and part of him wanted to, because part of him felt awful about what he was trying to do.
Naruto cursed his fate, like he had so many times before, but this time, he specifically blamed the Yondaime for giving him something he didn't know how to control. Something that had the whole village so scared of him they pushed him away, something that had him so scared he was pushing her away after finally gaining her trust and affection.
Night fell while he sat in the rain and lights twinkled to life in the village below him. He watched them until they too, were mostly distinguished. And then he knew it was time, so he stood, making his way through the soggy streets until he reached her apartment. Before he left the monument, however, he stopped to look back at the Yondaime's carved face, questions lingering unasked and unanswered between them.
-
Sooner than he liked he was standing in front of her door, dripping and telling himself it was okay to knock. He stood there for fifteen minutes before he lost his nerve. He turned from her door, regretting that he was leaving a puddle as evidence he had been there. Before he went too far, however, the door was thrown open and Sakura was standing there with a strange look on her face, holding the door knob so tightly her knuckles were white. She was wearing a loose sweatshirt and cotton shorts, but she obviously hadn't been asleep, even if her hair was a little disheveled. He looked at her over his shoulder, suddenly wishing he hadn't come at all. What Tsunade had asked was too hard, too much. Sakura eyed him warily, tiredly. She wasn't furious like before, but she was still mad, and she was… He wouldn't think about what else she might be feeling. She opened the door wider, gesturing for him to come inside. He sighed and did what she silently asked because he couldn't think of anything else to do.
He stood just inside the door, hoping she would tell him to leave after she saw how wet he was. She shut the door behind him and paused before turning around to face him. Naruto made himself look her in the eyes and was surprised to find she looked like she wanted to cry. He quickly looked away then, because he didn't want to know why, couldn't know why. From the corner of his eye he watched as one of her hands brushed his wet hair off his forehead. Then she withdrew her hand and he knew she was looking up at him, searching his face. Naruto, try as he might, couldn't find any words, so instead of protesting, he silently let her take him by the hand and lead him further into her apartment. He sucked in his breath sharply when she stopped in front of her bathroom.
"Take a hot shower. I don't want you to get sick. And put your clothes outside the door so I can put them in dryer." She dropped his hand and pushed him gently towards the bathroom door.
"Sakura-chan, you know I don't really get sick, and even if I did it wouldn't last long." Naruto sounded petulant even to himself and he winced when he saw the look on Sakura's face.
"I don't care. Just because you heal quickly doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. No one likes being sick, Naruto." As usual, he had a hard time arguing with her logic, so he moved to do as he was asked. Besides, he wasn't sure if she meant it still hurt him when he was sick or if she meant it still hurt her. As he entered the bathroom, she gave him a tentative smile, pleased that he hadn't continued the argument.
"I'll make some tea." He nodded before shutting the bathroom door. He peeled off his wet clothing, and then scooted the soggy pile it made out the door with his foot.
Sakura's bathroom was very Sakura: girly and simple. Her shower curtain had patterns of small red flowers he didn't recognize. Maybe he would ask her what they were. Maybe. Once he had the water on, he let it run down his back while he examined what she kept in her shower. She had two sets of shampoo, three razors, a bar of soap, a bottle of body wash, a bottle of face wash, and some sort of scrubbing tool. Naruto would have found it comical (he used one bar of soap for everything) if it had been any other day but that day.
The hot water felt good on his skin after the cool rain. He savored the feeling, standing with his eyes closed while he took slow breaths of the steamy air. Then, because he was still delaying in every small way possible, he picked one of the shampoo bottles, squeezed a small amount of a creamy yellow liquid into his palm, and washed his hair. It smelled like honey, and suddenly he knew why Sakura always smelled the way she did.
When he was done with his hair he stood under the water for five minutes more before deciding Sakura might just burst into the bathroom if he took too long. He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He found a towel in the cupboard under the sink and rubbed himself off. After he was dry, he stood unsurely, trying to decide whether or not Sakura would be offended if he left the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist. He didn't have to think for long, though, because Sakura was knocking on the door.
"Are you covered? I've got your clothes." In response Naruto opened the door. Sakura handed him his clothes while she spoke. "The tea's just about ready, if you want some." Then she left again, shutting the door behind her. He took it as his cue to dress quickly. The clothes were still warm and deep down he was glad Sakura insisted he be dry. He felt slightly better than he had before, even if it only physically.
When he stepped into the kitchen a few minutes later, Sakura was sitting at her small table, staring into her cup. Naruto sat next to her and wordlessly took the other cup of tea she had set on the table. He drank the tea quickly, letting its warmth pool in his stomach.
He wanted to explain himself, he really did. There just didn't seem to be words. He could feel that she wanted an explanation too, because her hurt was almost palpable. He just didn't know how to justify the fact that he was pushing her away so that she would understand it. Naruto cursed his inadequacy, but it didn't help him to know what to say. The silence stretched between them, punctuated only by the slight sounds of Sakura drinking her tea. After a few minutes it overwhelmed him and he abruptly left the kitchen, leaving his empty cup on the table beside Sakura's hand.
He went to her living room and sat on her couch. Cat came slinking into the room, her tail swishing behind her. She jumped onto the couch and climbed into his lap. She attempted to look nonchalant, but she ruined it by licking Naruto's arm a little, letting him know she wanted attention. Naruto scratched between her ears absent-mindedly. He had hoped that Sakura would follow him in and start a conversation somehow, but she hadn't and so the silence remained.
He could hear Sakura putting the tea things away in the kitchen and for some reason he felt intensely disgusted with himself. They both knew they had things to talk about, but he knew it was his responsibility to instigate the conversation. He reminded himself that he was a man now and he shouldn't run when the going got tough. Gently he pushed Cat off his lap and returned to the kitchen. Cat, looking a little affronted, followed while trying to pretend she wasn't.
Naruto paused in the doorway of the kitchen, watching Sakura silently. She looked up after a moment and tried to smile at him, but he could tell what she really wanted to do was cry. Again. His self-disgust tripled and brought with it remorse that made him feel worse than he had before, so he made up his mind to leave. He was sure now that Tsunade had been wrong to ask this of him. It was painful for both of them, and they were cracking under the weight of it all.
"Thanks for the tea, and for letting me use your shower, but I think I'd better go."
"No!" The quickness of her response caused them both to pause. "I mean, can't you just stay here tonight? You'll get all wet again." Naruto looked at her skeptically. She sighed and looked down at the floor before looking back at him. "Please."
As if to echo Sakura's words, Cat was meowing plaintively at his feet. Naruto looked down at Sakura's cat, who was rubbing his legs, before he looked back at Sakura.
"Are you sure about this?" Sakura bit her lip and nodded her head.
"I'll… go get some blankets." Naruto nodded and she strode past him, heading down the hallway that led to her room. He returned to the living room to wait and collapsed onto the couch. Cat joined him a moment later, intent on making him her bed for the night.
When Sakura returned a few minutes later, her arms were full of blankets and pillows. Naruto sat up and took them from her. She continued to stand, looking uncertain.
"Thanks." Naruto told her. He knew she was waiting for him to say something else, so he tried and failed. He tried again. When nothing happened, Sakura looked crestfallen. For a moment the only sound came from Cat's purring.
"Goodnight, Naruto." Sakura murmured softly. She turned away from him, walking slowly towards her own room.
Naruto watched her careful steps until she disappeared from view. When he could see that she had turned off the light in her room, he spread the blankets around him and put a pillow behind his head.
-
He didn't know how long he had been lying there, but his restlessness had long since caused Cat to seek a more stable bed. He had tossed and turned to no avail: he couldn't sleep. He considered leaving and returning to his own apartment, but he knew Sakura would probably wake up and hear him go out the door. Or, if she didn't wake up, when she got up in the morning and found him gone, she would be all kinds of mad and hurt, so he decided against it. Besides, he reasoned, his lumpy mattress wouldn't be any more comfortable than Sakura's couch, so there really was no point. He ignored the fact that the reason he couldn't sleep had absolutely nothing to do with the comfort of his bed.
It was still raining, so he tried concentrating on the steady pitter-patter sounds on the roof instead. The constant noise began to relax him and his restlessness was gradually soothed. He could feel his eyes closing…
He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew cold hands were worming their way between his chest and the warmth of the blankets and he was sitting up before he was fully awake. He opened his eyes groggily to find Sakura had tried to climb onto the couch with him. She had succeeded in getting so close that she was practically in his lap. Her hands were twisted in his shirt, and tears dripped from her chin.
"Sakura-chan, what're you doing?" Her hair had fallen into her face, so Naruto couldn't really see it. She tightened her hold on his shirt, like she was waiting for Naruto to pull away at any moment.
"Promise me, Naruto, that you won't run away from me again." Her words were soft but determined, and her voice didn't crack even though she was crying. Naruto's eyes widened; this was not what he was expecting. He swallowed uncomfortably.
"I can't."
"Why not?! You've promised me so many things so easily! Why is this so different?" She turned her face upwards and Naruto could see she was angry again.
He had wanted to talk earlier. Tsunade told him to tell her. And here she was asking him what the problem was. He hadn't wanted it to be this way, with both of them feeling so vulnerable. He had wanted to come off strong and aloof, so she wouldn't argue, but he wasn't feeling that way at all. He felt more like crying.
"Because… because I'm scared that I'll hurt you next time I… next time Kyuubi takes over. It's getting worse, and my control is…" Naruto looked at her helplessly. "I just want to protect you from that."
"I don't want protection. I want you." Naruto felt himself stiffen. What?
"Sakura-chan, are you sure you're awake?" He couldn't help but ask as he pushed her hair away from her face to get a better look. She wasn't acting like herself. Sakura pounded his chest with one of her fists.
"Of course I am! Now promise me." She looked up at him, pleading tenderness in her bright green eyes. Naruto gulped. Why did she have to make this harder than it already was?
"I want to, Sakura, but I—" Sakura interrupted him before he could finish.
"Don't say it. Don't say you can't! And don't say this isn't like Sasuke. He left us, and now you're trying to leave me too. I don't need to be left behind! Can't you see that?" She searched his eyes and Naruto felt something deep inside him breaking. "You mean more to me than anyone. I want to help you. Why won't you let me?" Naruto couldn't deny that he wanted this too, that he had wanted this for a long time. He looked away from her eyes to keep from cracking.
"I'm so dangerous…" Sakura gave a strangled snort of laughter in reply, and it quickly turned into a sob. Naruto looked back at her reflexively.
"I can't stand it when you say things like that. I need you, Naruto, and you need me. I'm not going anywhere. Don't you trust me that I can handle it?" He tried to look away, but he couldn't. As much as he didn't want to admit it, she was right. He was being selfish. She wasn't a helpless little girl; she was a strong ninja, a warrior just like he was, and she was the only person who had ever offered him something like this. "I need you." She repeated, and buried her face in his neck. He felt tears in his eyes, but he didn't care because he knew she would understand. He put his arms around her in a fierce hug, holding her close.
"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan." He whispered into her hair. He said it again and again, giving her the promise she asked for, until he felt her relax. Naruto leaned back and Sakura gave him a brilliant smile. He returned it. Sakura sighed contentedly before falling forward to put her head on his chest, and he could feel that the smile was still on her face. He knew it was her way of telling him something she couldn't say with words, something about how she knew exactly what she was getting into and she wasn't afraid.
Cat, who had returned, jumped onto the couch. Sakura lifted her head when she felt the couch dip behind her and rotated in Naruto's lap till her back was to his chest so she could look at her pet. Cat meowed tentatively at them before she began to purr. Sakura laughed lightly then leaned back, fitting her head between Naruto's shoulder and chin before pulling Naruto's blankets around them both. Naruto was surprised in spite of himself.
"Uh… Sakura-chan…" Sakura folded his arms around her middle.
"I'm staying with you." The honey scent of Sakura's hair filled Naruto's nostrils and he found he had no strength left to argue, so he relaxed, letting the feeling of Sakura's nearness encompass his consciousness. Cat settled at their feet and slowly her purring deepened until Naruto knew she was asleep, because he was beginning to emit a similar purr.
When Naruto next woke, sunlight was streaming through the window in the kitchen. Cat was long gone, but Sakura's heavy warmth still covered his torso. Sakura had turned her head in her sleep so that her nose was touching his cheek, and Naruto thought he must have been leaning into her touch because his neck was stiff. He didn't care, however, because for the first time in his life, he felt whole.
It was then that he decided that perhaps Tsunade had known what she was talking about all along.