A/N
Hi surprise another update! A little longer but not by much so to the critics sorry! To the fans thank you lol! Yesterday's update went over well so it pushed me to write again today. If it sucks I am sorry I truly am! I never said I was any good at this, I just do it for the fun and writing gives my mind a certain release regardless if it's any good or not!
Again thank you guys and feel free to take the time to leave a review! Good or bad it's all good feedback to me. Though the good makes me smile more than the bad!
Also the song in this chapter is Me by the 1975 if you haven't heard it please give your ears some pleasure and go have a listen!
As I take a drink from the water bottle in my hand I can feel my nerves rising I know this talk has to happen, though I've been avoiding it all morning. We've been exchanging small talk and pushing the burning issues away, I think we are both afraid of where it might lead. I worry Quinn may regret the things she told me and reconsider her offer of us getting back together. Maybe all the things she said were only in the moment of fear and grief at the sights before her. Though it isn't set I'm stone yet I know deep down that no matter what has happened I'd take her back, if that's even something she still eventually wants. I love her and I am a believer that love can concur all. I know a lot of terms and things will come with getting back together as well as dealing with the pain and heart ache I still feel from the break up.
After she finishes up eating I decide it's time to have this talk but first there is something I have to do. So without a word I stand and take her hand, I lead her into my bedroom and motion for her to sit on my bed. She's looking at me with curious eyes, just as soon as she's about to speak up I lean in and place a sweet meaningful kiss on her lips. I let it linger for a moment and pull back looking into her sad eyes, god she's so beautiful even when she's so sad.
"I guess this means its time to talk?" Quinn asks scooting further back on the bed. I can see the worry in her face both of us know this could end bad, though I pray it doesn't.
"I suppose so but before we do I need to do something okay." She nods as I walk across the room to grab my guitar placed by my dresser.
"Quinn please listen, don't speak, just think about everything in this moment okay. Think about us, think about the words, but most importantly think of all we've been through and how much I love you." Again she nods and looks at me with the most curious of eyes. I smile and strum a few cords taking in all I'm needing to say after this and hoping this song gets some of that out.
I got a plane in the middle of the night, don't you mind
I nearly killed somebody, don't you mind don't you mind
I gave you something you can never give back, don't you mind
You've seen your face like a heart attack, don't you mind don't you mind
I feel tears pouring down my face, I knew I wouldn't be angle to keep it together during this, but I can compose myself at best to get through this for her.
I was late but I arrived
I'm sorry but I'd rather be getting high than watching my family die
Exaggerate and you and I
Oh I think I did something terrible to your body, don't you mind
I put your mother through hell, don't you mind
I hurt your brother as well, don't you mind don't you mind
Oh I was thinking about killing myself, don't you mind
I love you, don't you mind don't you mind
I'm looking straight at her, and I feel I've never seen her more clearly her emotions are so pure and well seen right now, I can tell I've hurt her much more than she's hurt me
I put your mother through hell, don't you mind
I hurt your brother as well, don't you mind don't you mind
Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don't you mind
I love you, don't you mind don't you mind
When I end the song I look into her beautiful tear filled eyes. I take a breath and put on the strongest face I can manage. I place the guitar aside and sit closer to Quinn, I take her hands in mine looking down at them and start rubbing them softly.
"Quinn I love you, and the last time we sat in this room and talked tore me apart it didn't end well. That conversation stole who I was away from me. You broke my heart, I felt gone beyond repair. I didn't think I could live let alone breathe without you. We had this perfect life and perfect future planned out and then out of nowhere this tornado flew threw and ripped away everything I knew. I've been so lost, so broken, I wanted to die when you left me. I didn't understand and nothing made sense. I felt unworthy, I felt unwanted. And yes I wanted to over dose and forget it all. Fall asleep and never wake up at a point."
"Santana i….."
"No Q please let me finish." I interrupt. "I am so fucked in the head right now and had you not found me I'd have let myself fall to the overwhelming thoughts in my head. I'd be dead Quinn. Fucking gone forever, no college, no more life, no more family, fuck no more us." I have completely broken down at this point, I am a complete and utter mess, I feel Quinn throw her arms around me and kiss the top of my head trying to soothe me. I let myself cry into her arms even harder as the full weight of my actions hit me. I am so fucked.
After what seems like forever I stop crying for the most part. Quinn pulls back a little to look at me and asks if I'm okay, I nod and prepare to continue with what I had to say.
"The point is I can't go on from here and pretend everything is okay, that you didn't break my heart and that I find tare myself apart. I'm broken, were broken, and though we can fix us I have to fix me first, and that's something that I can't ask you to do for me. Quinn no matter what's happened in life you've always been my savior but this time I have to be my own knight in shining armor. Were a few months from graduation and if we want everything Togo as planned then I have to work on fixing me now, and I can't say that having to work on us and myself at the same time is a good idea. But fuck at the same time I can't feel like I'm losing you all over again. Because I very much want you back. I do. Help me please, I just can't sort out what the proper thing to do I just love you with all of me but I don't want to feel like I'm depending on you to fix me." I throw my face into my hands and start crying again, emotions suck.
"May I speak now?" I hear Quinn ask, I look to her and mouth yes.
"Santana baby you know I love you more than I love myself and I'd do anything to make you feel that love, what happened like I've said was a huge mistake and I can never forgive myself for the things I've put you through and the state you've fallen in too. This is all my fault and I wish I could go back and take it all away. I wish I could take all your pain away and make you feel wanted, because baby you are wanted, I want you so bad and I can never do or say enough to make you fully forgive me. I wish there was a way to forget this all but I know that isn't possible and I know we shall carry this with us through the rest of our days, but I will not let you go through this alone not ever again. I will help you get better I will help you detox, or anything you need, you'll never suffer again I'll never hurt you again I am so so sorry baby, believe me!" tears are rolling down her face I reach up my shirtsleeves to wipe the tears from her eyes. She doesn't let me catch all of her tears instead she takes my hands in hers and kisses them all over. She moves from my hands to my covered arms up to my lips. We exchange a deep and tearful kiss before picking up where she left off.
"So if you want too, need to wait to take me back so be it but regardless I'll still be here, and after your recovery if you feel you do not need me in your life anymore then I shall go but know even then you'll still never be alone because I love you and my love will never allow you to be alone, I'll always be with you. But make me one promise now one you have to keep and can never break. Promise me you'll never try to time your own life again! I am nowhere near worth losing your life over baby, your life is worth so much more than that, you are worth so much more than that. I couldn't imagine a world without those brown eyes, and big smile. Never be that selfish again, I made a mistake but that doesn't mean the world should pay. No one can lose you baby." I fuck up and she still loves me, she breaks me and I still love her. What a pair.
"I promise you I'll never harm myself again. And I couldn't imagine ever asking you to leave my life Q. I love you, I feel I cannot say it enough." Quinn just smiles at my words and grabs me to lean me back onto the bed so that I can cuddle into her.
I close my eyes and just let everything sink in, tomorrow I know what I need to do and that's find someone to talk too about how I feel inside my head that will be my first step, a big step if you ask me. In the meantime I know we still have more to talk about but for now I shall let her arms and the overwhelming need to sleep consume me, I can't fight this exhaustion anymore.