"Mr Shepherd." A Doctor says approaching him in the waiting room just over three hours after Meredith's fall and takes a seat down beside Derek.
"How is she?" He asks trying not to disturb Savannah who was attached to Derek with her arms wrapped around his neck and legs wrapped around his waist while she slept.
"We took her for scans and tests. The trauma of the fall has done some unfortunate damage. Meredith has suffered cerebral contusion. It's a traumatic form of injury and it basically is bruising of the brain tissue. It usually occurs when the brain strikes a ridge on the skull or a fold in the Dura mater, which is the brains tough outer covering. It's just like a bruise on your body. With your wife, she fell causing trauma to the brain and with that she lost consciousness. We ruled it out with a CT and we are going to keep a close eye on her. The tricky thing with contusions is that is if pressure on the brain increased significantly or if a blood clot forms a craniotomy will need to be performed to open a section of the skull may be required to remove the contusion."
"So you're saying that she may need surgery to remove the contusion?"
"Yes. We need to keep an eye on it. We really hoped that it was a small contusion but we are keeping a close eye on it. Meredith's caused some damage and she will spend some time unconscious and we hope she'll be awake soon. The problem is with severe contusions it can lead to further problems like swelling of the brain which can lead to more brain problems."
"Like what?"
"Stroke, coma or…"
"Death."
"Yes but we hope by morning she's awake and we hope this bleed heals itself." He says. "We'll constantly be checking her and taking her for scans. If you want, you should go home and rest. You've been here for a while and home might be best for you and your daughter. You can come back in the morning, first thing."
"Can I go and see her?" Derek asks.
"Of course." He says. "I'll lead you down to her room."
Derek carried Savannah down to Meredith's room. The rest of his family was at home, thinking it'd be best to take Jack home and get him to bed. Derek felt terrible that Jack was carried from the room as the doctors rushed to help Meredith. Derek tried to soothe his son but he didn't know how to and he felt like complete crap for not knowing how to do so.
"Daddy?" Savannah asks from his shoulder.
"We're just going to say goodnight to Mommy and Aria and then I'll take you home to bed."
"To Nana's or Momma's?"
"Where would you like to go?"
"Momma's." She says.
"Alright then. I can arrange that." He says kissing her head. "We'll be home soon."
They enter Meredith's room and see more wires and tubes connected to her body. He's breath caught in his throat and he planted himself to a spot on the floor taking in the heart wrenching scene of his wife looking weaker then walking into her room on Monday morning after the accident and crash cesarean they performed.
He hugged Savannah a little tighter and then moved forwards towards her bedside. He lowers Savannah down to Meredith's side and she stares at her mother.
"Is she alright Daddy?"
"She will be. Your mother is a fighter." He says squeezing Savannah's hand. "She's the strongest person I know. She has this strength and that strength will help her recover and she'll be at the piano in no time."
He places a kiss on Meredith's lips and runs his hand down her cheek.
"Goodnight Mer, I'll be back first thing in the morning and you better be awake." He says.
"Night Momma." Savannah says squeezing her mother's hand. "I'll see you soon. I love you Momma."
Derek picks Savannah up and kisses Meredith once more. "Night love." He says as he turns and leaves.
He walks down the corridor to the NICU with Savannah. He felt guilty for not being with Aria as much. His family though had taken turns sitting with her and letting her know that she wasn't alone.
He nodded a hello to the nightshift nurse and headed into the NICU where he found Kasey sitting at Aria's bedside, doing paperwork.
"I didn't know the Chief could be on call?" He says.
"We're short staffed." She says closing the folder. "I heard about Mer. I'm sorry."
"She's not dead." Derek says.
"I know she's not. I'm just saying I'm sorry for what happened. It was an unlucky thing to occur." She says gathering her charts up. "Goodnight Aria."
"No, we're leaving. You stay." Derek says. "I don't want her to be alone."
"Fine then." She says. "I'll just be outside."
Derek moves towards Aria's isolate and sees that she is wide awake.
"Someone looks happy." Savannah says.
"Hey Ari." Derek says opening one of the hand holes. "How are you baby? I'm sorry for not seeing you much today."
"Can I touch her daddy?"
"Of course." He says opening the other hand hole for Savannah.
"Hi Ari." Savannah says stroking Aria's leg. "Maybe you should hold her daddy before we go home. It will make her feel calm."
"Well if you don't mind staying a little longer."
"No it's fine." She says. "I can sleep in the car."
He lowers Savannah to the ground and he takes Aria out of the isolate and settles her in his arms and begins to hum to her a soft tune and rocks her gently in his arms to make her feel safe and not alone.
…
"Your home?" Carolyn says as Derek carries the sleepy Savannah through the house.
"Yeah." He says.
"How is Mer?"
"I'll put Vannah down and I'll tell you." He says as he carries her upstairs to her room.
He gets her into bed and takes her shoes off and lays her under the covers and kisses her head and leaves her to find his mother in the kitchen.
"She has a brain contusion. A pretty severe contusion."
"Oh no Derek."
"It's alright. I'm just going to try and stay positive through this and hope that her brain doesn't herniate or that she wakes up with memory loss or her moods become erratic. I just hope for a normal recovery because she doesn't deserve this."
"I know she doesn't." Carolyn says touching his shoulder.
"It's late Ma." He says. "You should go home to bed."
"I can stay."
"It's fine." He says.
"Okay, well Jack is upstairs asleep. Call me if you need to go to the hospital. I'll be right over."
"I know Ma."
"Oh and Meredith said she left something for you. You would know where it is."
"Alright. I'll take a look." He says. "Night Ma."
"Night Derek." She says kissing him goodnight before leaving the house.
He leaves the house to bring his bags inside and leaves them downstairs. He pulls the bed from the sofa and covers the bed in sheets and goes and showers before lying down under the covers.
His body ached from the hospital chairs and his makeshift bed at Meredith and Aria's bedside. He hadn't slept well since and he was due for a goodnights sleep so he didn't end up unwell. He tried to sleep but he tossed and turned and tried to sleep but the hands on the clock moved so slowly.
He had so much on his mind, Meredith, Aria, Jack and Savannah, his tour which he had to make a decision about and the thing that Meredith left him. He wasn't sure what she left him but he had a fair idea where it was hiding.
He kicked the covers off and quietly walked upstairs to Meredith's room. A video flashback of memories replayed through his mind from 27 years. This was her childhood bedroom and she had managed to stay put in the room over the years only moving to the master bedroom when Craig was living with her but moved back when he left her.
All the secrets they shared and the laughter and the tears. He remembers the promises they made each other and their hopes and dreams. He remembers everything even her secret hiding spot which she always reminded him about in her letters.
Pictures covered the walls of her family, friends, children and him. Posters and drawings from Jack and Savannah, her treble clef that she painted on the wall when she was 10, her guitar, which was a 12th birthday gift from Derek, sat in the corner next to her CD player where her stacks of CD's were. Toys littered the floor along with clothes and sheets of paper. Books on her bookshelf and her desk cluttered with more notes. It was the way he remembered her room from the last time he was here. Just the kid's items were scattered around the place.
He then looked to her closet and remembered her secret hiding spot. She hid everything in here from her diaries to the things that were special to her. He opened the doors to the closet and then kneeled down on the ground and reached to the side wall where the hole was. Derek and her made the hole in the back wall when they were 8 years old. She always complained about having her personal things read and she wanted to secret hiding place and he gave her one.
She worried about her mother yelling at her for the hole in the wall but Derek reassured that her mother would never know. She smiled and from the day on she hid everything in there like the chest she always told Derek about. He found that same wooden chest sitting in the hole in the wall and he pulled it out. He checked the hole for anything else and found nothing but a picture.
He shut the door behind him and headed downstairs to his fold out bed and sat the chest on the bed. He looked at the photograph and saw Meredith and him together in Central Park in New York. This was three months after the two of them found out they were expecting a baby together. He had his hand resting on her stomach to protect his baby from the harmful world and Meredith tight in his embrace. The bump was noticeable despite the layering of warm clothing. He lips pressed to her cheek and she smiled as the snow fell around them. He turned the picture around and saw the caption.
Our lives are changing. The snow is falling and our baby is growing safely in my stomach. New York, home to the memories of love and passion and conception of our growing essence.
This night was the night he was going to propose to her. In the snow, in Central Park, in front of everybody but the night turned sour when a group of people started a crazy mob and harassed him and a huge fight broke out amongst the people and the two of them ended up in hospital, Meredith with a slight concussion and Derek with a laceration of his forehead from falling to the ground. They ruined his plans of proposing and he lost the ring he had bought her and from that moment time escaped him and she was walking down the aisle with another man.
He sat the picture aside and placed his hands on top of the chest and decided to reach into the deep end. A blue card covers the contents of the chest while an envelope is taped to inside lid.
He pulled it off and opened the letter.
Whoever is snooping through my stuff *Cough Thomas Cough Lexie Cough* can you please shut the lid and bugger off. This is my personal stuff and I don't want you knowing these things. You don't see me going through your top draws for dirty magazines and underneath the mattress for your diary and boyfriends underwear. So shut the lid and walk away.
Much love, Meredith
He smiled and could hear her voice reading it in his head. It was a typical Meredith thing as well telling people to bugger off but he knew all too well the times he had gone through Lexie's things with Meredith and found a lot of personal stuff that she had hidden from the eyes of her mother and all of Thomas's porn that he had been given and stashed underneath his underwear in his top draw.
He placed the letter down and then moved the blue card and finds an array of items inside the chest. Items she had managed to stow away over the passing years.
These things that she hid inside were the things so personal and special to her that she didn't want to share with the others. Small sentimental things that meant a world to Meredith.
He emptied everything out onto the bed and flicked through the pile of things. Notes, letters, pictures, home movies, movie tickets from their movie dates, her secret song lyrics she wrote, a tape recorder she recorded her songs on, posters, tickets and other small things like a beach shell she collected when they headed to California. The contract they had signed for their plans in LA. He found another small box among the items and inside was the small things she never wanted to loose. Like the guitar pick necklace Derek had given her, the promise ring he gave her, her hospital tag from when she was born and the small beads, charms and other little things that they had collected over the years.
These were the things from the first 17 years of her life from when Derek and her spent their childhood growing up together and getting into no good and initially finding out who they were as people and falling in love. These were the memos of their 17 years together. The things close to their heart.
He then remembers something from one of the letters she wrote him.
Next time you're home, look in your closet for something I left you. I will gradually add to it until you come home and see me.
He quickly raced next door to find his father still up. He raced to his bedroom and opened the doors to his closet looking for the hidden surprise. He looked through the shoe boxes he had kept. He searched amongst the clothes and in his draws and the placed his hand on the top self and felt a chest similar to that of the one hidden in Meredith's closet. He pulled it down and a note had been attached to it.
Found it.
He left his room and said a goodnight to his father and headed back to the house and sat it on the bed. He opened the chest and found an envelope taped to the inside lid and he pulled it off and opened it.
Derek
My dear Derek. I love you so much and I regret never leaving town with you ten years ago. I will regret it until the day I die. I will regret every time I see your face in a magazine or on a CD. I always will and I'm sure guilt will kill me before anything else. I will regret not being at your side and playing in front of crowds of people. I will regret not leaving Lakeview with you to go off and find fame and fortune. I will regret never being on the road with you and bringing our kids along with us to grow up and see the world and having their passport filled by the time they are old enough to walk. I will regret never leaving Lakeview after my mother passed to come and be with you and I will regret never leaving Lakeview after Craig died to be a family with you, Savannah and little Jack. I regret a lot of things but conceiving our babies with you was always the greatest thing in my life. Three breathing children were brought into the world by us and they will forever be ours. Our son, Jack, our daughter Savannah and our unborn daughter. I love you with all my heart Derek and I always wanted to be your wife and mother of our 14 children as we travelled the world together and lived a beautiful life in a different country or town. When you read this consider me and the kids as your priorities and consider what you will do next.
I love you Derek and so does Jack and Vannah and this little foetus growing inside of me.
He places the letter down feeling a pang in his stomach and he then goes through everything in this chest.
He sees the things that the two of them had exchanged in those ten years. Letters, postcards, to music lyrics and music playlists, photos, gifts, souvenirs from all those places he had taken her and things to do with the kids. He then finds another letter addressed to him. It was an unsent letter.
He opens this letter and starts reading.
Derek,
I have some explaining to do. I know that it was unexpected for me to show up at your hotel that night but I had to see you.
Let me tell you why my antics brought me to visit you. My husband Craig had been scheduled to deploy for Iraq on the 25th of August and they pushed back the dates by 2 weeks to the 8th of September. I knew that you were in Seattle at this time and I knew that the later he was being deployed the last chances I would to catch you in Seattle.
Craig and I had married in the January of that year and I knew that his chances of being deployed were high and he was on standby to deploy in August. The night after we married he told me he wanted to try for a baby right away so he would at least have the chances of conceiving before he went away because he wanted to have a sibling for Savannah. So for 8 long months we tried to get pregnant and we tried every time he could leave the base. In July we decided to go to Seattle on his leave to go and visit a fertility specialist to know what was going on. We stayed for 5 days and on the last day we were called back in to see the doctor and Craig was given heart wrenching news. He is infertile and his sperm count is so low he will never conceive a baby. We took the news with sadness and we decided not to tell anyone about the infertility and the doctors. We came home and lived as a married couple spending as much time together as possible and decided that Savannah was enough for us. He was then enlisted to deploy. I made a booking to come and see you in Seattle that night he left but it was postponed. So I postponed my trip until the 8th and I farewelled him with his unit and then I left, travelling to Seattle with Savannah. I needed time to myself with Van and to not be surrounded by the sadness of those in town.
I told everyone I was headed to Seattle to ride the ferry boats and visit the Space Needle. I was in luck knowing you had a gig in Seattle on that night and I so badly wanted to see you since I hadn't seen you for nearly 10 weeks. My heart ached because I missed you so much. I got a copy of your hotel key and you came back to the room, switched the light on and saw me curled up on your bed. You pulled me into your arms and held me with relief and I was so happy to be back in your arms. I told you how Craig had been deployed and I just needed a friend to cheer me up and that Savannah missed you. You then flew us to LA the next morning in your private jet. You told me you had a surprise for me and told me that I would be in for the treat of a lifetime. You took me to your apartment and I laid Savannah down for her nap and we made sweet love on the living room floor. You were reluctant but I told you that I needed this. So an occurrence would be going to bed and making love and I know that I lied to you about being on the pill. I just couldn't deal with the fact that I wasn't on it because Craig and I had unsuccessfully conceived.
I though soon forgot about infertility and husbands being at war when you took me to a recording studio and we recorded songs together and wrote together. I will never be able to tell you how much that meant to me. I will always remember being in the studio for the first time with you and never wanting to leave. You gave me a copy of those tracks at the end of our five days of adventure and fun and love and you accompanied me to Seattle on the trip home and you bid a farewell to me with a long and lingering kiss and a promise to see me as soon as possible to come and get Vannah and see your family. I came home and kept my seeing you a secret and I went back to my normal routine but listened to our CD every night and listened to your sweet, velvety voice.
I then found out that I was pregnant and I knew right away that it was your baby. I kept it a secret from everyone about the identity for the sake of Craig and his family. I would have blurted it from the roof tops that I was carrying our baby but I would not have been good for you or your profile and I would have been deemed a slut. I went on with the pregnancy and I never told Craig or his family since they were cruising around the Pacific for 4 months and then never returning to Lakeview. I carried our child and felt every kick and movement and wished you were here. I told you that I was pregnant but never hinted at the possibility of it being yours. I couldn't do it to you but I knew you would have given up everything to be here for us and to try and be a proper family and I didn't want you to sacrifice your music for me.
When Craig told me he wanted a divorce I was glad to not be betrothed to him especially since I wasn't carrying his child. I rang you when I received the letter and I told you everything and you made me feel better. Even the 2am phone call to Japan when I was told that Craig had been killed in the line of fire. You told me to focus of the now and the future and not to worry about Craig's death because he wanted to divorce. Keep a strong face on and be who I know you are. Focus on that little boy growing inside and on Vannah. You then told me to read the lyrics you had emailed me and I knew that you had written them in the time that I spent on the phone with you. I smiled and felt Jack kick me. You then continued to sing to me over the phone and I was happier and I was taken back to the 5 days we spent together in LA. I told you to come home when I was in labour because you had to see me deliver. You said you would do your best and if not would be home by the time he had been delivered to hold him.
You came and got me and Savannah and took us to LA for a distraction before the birth and we spent nearly three months camped out together and I had so many chances to tell you but I just couldn't. It would ruin everything that had been created and we wouldn't be in a perfect little bubble of love and family. I went into labour on the 25th of May and I welcomed us our baby boy. A perfect boy who looked so much like Savannah. We were over the moon in sharing this joy together. We then spent the next 8 weeks together and I didn't have the guts to tell you then either. We made love, we spent time walking along the beach, you got to witness Jack growing for the first 2 months and watch him smile and reach those small milestones. We were happy, like a happy family and that was when I should have packed up and moved in with you to leave behind the bullshit and the pain in Lakeview but I didn't because you were going overseas and you had an album to finish. The last night we spent together I told you that you were Jack's father in your sleep but you didn't hear me and that was it.
I love you and I wish it had been you since I was old enough to realise. Jack is your baby boy. If you don't believe me then you can get a DNA test conducted. I will understand. I love you so much and I know you love me and trust me to know that you are his dad. You will be a good daddy to him and I hope we can all live on the road together with Savannah and all the other little offspring's we will produce.
I apologise for all my wrongs Derek. Nobody is perfect. You know that. I'm just deeply sorry for being a coward and potentially ruining the chance at seeing the milestones Jack will reach.
I'd understand if you never want to be with me ever again but Derek 25 years together is a milestone and we both know we are better together than apart.
Love Mer.
Derek just stared at the handwriting on the page. He stared at the tear stain marks on the page. He wasn't mad at her for what she did. She was in a place of sadness and guilt and he knew how much guilt pained. He just wished she would have told him right from the start.
He closed the letter and placed it back into the chest and sent a message to Jen to reply to her many thousands of messages and missed calls, outlining what was going on and for her to ring in the morning. He sat his phone to the side and pulled out a picture from the unsent letter.
In his hands he held a photograph of Jack, one that Meredith had kept in the unsent letter. He smiled at the chubby little baby that he held so gracefully in her arms. He smiled at the photo and then turned it around read the small message on the back.
'We produced a beautiful baby boy, he is only a few days old but he is so much like you'.
Thanks for reading and thoughts would be appreciated.
The next chapter is the catching up on things that he has missed in the passing three days, so sort of a filler chapter but has its importance as does any other chapter.
I will try and update when I get a chance.