Ask Andy

Come on, go ahead! We dare you to confide your personal troubles to Andy, Layton High School's very own columnist! Replies will be featured in the weekly newsletter.

Dear Andy,

I am thinking of getting a tattoo. You know, on my fabulously muscled biceps. A tattoo of the name 'Cleopatra & Anthony that Cleopatrix has when she liked that book. It's really unique. Maybe if I have it Cleopatrix will like me too? But my mom don't want me to get a tattoo. She says she'll kill me if she finds out from my brother, who showers in the same stall with me. What should I do?

From,

Anthony (and Cleopatra)

Dear Anthony,

Don't get a tattoo. Maybe when you grow older, you will not like Cleopatrix so much. I mean, she might get married and not act anymore. And then you're left with a laser bill. Besides, the word "Cleopatra and Anthony" iks kind of cheesy. Unless your name is really Anthony. In that case, you should wait until your girlfriend's name is Cleopatra before getting the tattoo.

From,

Andy

Six

I spent the whole Saturday sulking in my room. I don't ever want to go out. Certainly not with girls! The whole experience with looks-oriented Summer or Emo-Cleopatrix. Just then, my mom called up. "Jerry! Tony is here! And you'd better hurry up and change if you're going to take Cleopatrix out to dinner.

"How many times must I say that no way I'm going to take Cleopatrix out? She can go out with Tony for all I care. All she's going to get is another broken heart. And I'm bring down my uneaten lunch." I stomped down the stairs.

Tony was dressed smartly in a tuxedo. He looked startled when he saw me in this. "Hey, mate, why're you not in your tux?"

"Not going." I pushed past him to get to the kitchen.

"But, Jerry, you must. You'd be dubbed 'Scoundrel of the Free Land if you stood her up. And you've created the perfect kind image for so long, just to get it wasted on a stupid dance?" Tony persuaded.

"It's not my fault. She wants to go with you. I try to warn her that you like Summer, who's a mixture of Lindsay Lohan, you type; and Kirsten Dunst, my type. But she doesn't believe me. Shouted at me in fact. I'm not getting another shouting. And I'm sick of being diplomatic," I said.

"Jerry, you're going. You have to at least play with the band!" Tony pleaded.

"Doesn't matter. Zach can sing. You all can manage fine without my boring Haydn classics and awful bass. I'm an extra, and I know it. Cleopatrix'll probably mate up with another guy, York or Hugh, and you, Glen, Summer, and Sierra will have the time of your life. I'm sticking to a Spider-Man Movie Marathon tonight," I decided.

"Ok," Tony breathed. "Time for back-up!"

Suddenly, York, Zach, and Hugh burst out from nowhere, wrested me upstairs, and each began their torture: Tony forcing me to wear a penguin suit (more commonly known as a tuxedo); York shaving me and splashing cologne and applying gel everywhere. "Let me go!" I yelled.

"Man, you gotta have some fun," Zach said as he tousled me hair fondly. "Done!"

A car honked from below. Tony pushed me downstairs. I could see Cleopatrix getting out of the limo. She was wearing a black slip dress and looked dead sexy. Tony whistled. "So, any chance you might

fall for her?" I asked hopefully.

Tony shook his head. "Not my type. I knew I used to be crazy about her, but that was when Summer was still with Glen. Glen was rich and smart, and as handsome as me. But then they broke up, so I think I stand a chance. Sorry, mate."

I shrugged. "Summer was my first crush, and she always will be. I thought we had something special, the way she looked at me. I thought she liked me too, but didn't know about Glen."

"Dude, Summer looked at every guy like that!" Zach said, joining us. "I knew, because she flirted with me last time."

"So, Tonyy, are you ready?" Summer had arrived and were now picking her way carefully around me bedraggled room in her long Chanel number. At least, I think it's Chanel.

"Er, yes. Good luck, Jer," Tony said.

Summer glanced at us quizzically. "Yes, what a nice outfit," she said.

They went down the stairs, her arm under his crook, walked down the stairs and straight into Cleopatrix, who had on a shimmering golden gown. "Nice Marchesa gown," Cleopatrix nodded. "It's cutesy, and brings out the red hair."

"Hey, nice dress yourself. Is it a Dior number?" Summer asked, tossing her mane proudly.

"No, Dior's dresses are more metallic and shiny, while my Armani Prive gown is more shimmery and gold," Cleopatrix said. I couldn't understand a single word. Marchesa? Dior? Armani Prive? Not Chanel?

"Hey, Cleo. I'm such of fan of your movies. I like Elaine and Lancelot," Tony said.

"Yeah, Tony's bringing me to watch it after the dance," Summer giggled.

I peeked behind my palms to see Cleopatrix's reaction. I mean, actresses like Cleopatrix are temperament. Especially if they had PMS.

But amazingly, Cleopatrix looked as serene as ever, as though resigned to the fact that Things Were Just Not Meant To Be. "Yeah, see you later. Jerry, are you done eavesdropping?"

I stepped out, red-faced. Tony and Summer slipped away. I followed Cleopatrix to her limo and went in. "So, why did you still want to go to the Winter Prom with me? I mean, I thought, what with what I said yesterday about Tony, I—"

"It's impossible to be angry with you for long, Jerry Grey. Everybody likes you. Especially me." And then Cleopatrix suddenly pulled my head to hers, and KISSED ME! OMG! My first kiss, and it's with a teenage celebrity! We totally had it going for at least a minute. I didn't know I could hold my breath that long, or actually had a bit of

an idea how to kiss.

"So," I said, when we came up for air, "why did you do that? Do you mean you don't want Tony anymore?"

"You know, I thought we're meant to be, seeing as I got the Anthony and Cleopatrix daydream again. I read that column when this guy called 'Anthony' said how much he liked me. I really thought he's Tony! Until I saw how infatuated he was with Summer. I mean, we're pretty in different ways: Summer in the girl-next-door, me in the Reese Witherspoon kind of way. And even thought Tony's cute, so what? He's not understanding and kind and brave, like you, Sir Jerry," Cleopatrix said. I blushed.

We had got there already, and so I pulled her up to the dance floor. We had a fab time. Everyone had partners: Tony and Summer, Cleopatrix and I, Glen and Sierra, Zach and Jamie, York and Wilma, Hugh and Alva, and even Cara and Paul! It's true. Apparently, Cara chased after Paul for a fight for calling her a cow, but they made up in the bushes in the end.

"And now, time for our annual status of Prom King and Queen…" Dr. Lucretia announced loudly. She had made an effort by donning a hot pink vintage Bob Mackie couture gown (Cleopatrix told me the name), and manage to get the attention of Mr. Hedmast. "Our results have gotten a draw, but never mind. So let's welcome King Anthony and Queen Cleopatrix! I'm so honoured that Ms. Laville even came here! And King Jerry and Queen Summer!"

All around me, people burst into applause. I handed Cleopatrix to Tony. "Enjoy your dance with Anthony, Queen Cleo," I whispered.

"You too, with Mary-Jane, Peter," she teased. And then we danced with our switched partners. I had always fantasized about the Winter Prom, where Summer would be single, and I had summoned up the guts to ask her out, and she accepted and we're voted Prom King and Queen. I thought it'd feel electric. Frisson. Instead, I only felt sweet brotherly affection vibes from her.

"I wish you a happy ending with Cleopatrix, Jer. You've been a great mate and brother this year. I promise I'll take care of Tony for you," Summer whispered. I grinned. Tony seemed to be whispering the same thing to Cleopatrix. She turned around, saw me, and winked.

Tonight was the greatest night of my life. Now that I had my happy ending, I could put more time in helping make this world a better place. With Cleopatrix, I'll be the best diplomat in the world. If I can manage to change Layton High, a dystopian miserable jail, into a utopian paradise, then I can do anything. Especially if you have a supporting and rich girlfriend like Cleopatrix Laville, and great mates like Tony, York, Zach, Hugh and Summer. No wonder I'm Ask Andy.

Any problems? Just ask Andy.

Layton News

Cleopatrix Laville's New Movie

WB Producers have made a film about Cleo's short stay in Layton High School, how she met her true love and solved all their problems. Starring Cleopatrix as herself, Tobey Maguire as Jerry Grey, Orlando Bloom as Tony, Kirsten Dunst as Summer.

Jerry Grey takes over!

Jerry Grey was elected to be the United Nations new Teengae Ambassador. He will be speaking about how to solve problems, big or small, and the art of diplomatic. Guest speakers include late Teen Ambassador Samantha Madison (girl who saved president), Princess Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo of Genovia, and Jessica Mastriani (lightning girl).