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Chapter Six

Shinichi sat alone on the train after having an awkward conversation with his mother. She nearly strangled the truth out of Takagi when he kept staring at the younger detective, then promptly shooed Shinichi off the scene. So here he was, in an awkward stage of wondering if he was still single or the brief moment he and Ran shared was a figment of his overactive imagination. Wouldn't be the first time. He scoffed. Slumping deeper into his seat he pouted and let his mind roam. Everything about the kiss had left him in shambles. Emotions, control, his heart … his love but now that the heat cooled and desire had crawled back into its designated hole he felt empty. Beika blurred by him and Shinichi had to think of the why. He still loved Ran dearly that probably wasn't going to change as long as he lived. So why did he feel like he cheated something?

The train lurched to a stop and Beika station was laid out before him. This was his city. He was born here and, hopefully later than sooner, he'd sleep forever here. Beika molded him to what he needed to be, what he wanted to be. It pushed him hard as a detective and in a way comforted him too cause even in all the death he'd seen on its streets there were still good people. He paused in his walk to watch a young group of children help an older woman with her groceries. Moving on there was a uniform giving directions to a lost couple and high-schooler's teaching elementary students soccer. Shinichi smiled slightly. When the busy streets turned into the residential area he really began to think about Ran. She had been a strong beacon for him as Conan; a constant foundation in a very unstable setting. The problem was he never told her that, never allowed her the chance to understand his actions. Whatever the reason was it didn't change the fact that he lied to her over and over again to her face (or behind a door).

Second Street was quiet like it had been for the past year and a half. He never forgot the day Hakase left. It always pained and terrified Shinichi that he may have never known the true Agasa. It had been hot that day to the point skin blistered when brushed against metal. Shinichi was all smiles after solving a serial murder case and looking forward to a playful backyard romp with Ran. When he passed the modern home next to his something, a chill maybe, caused him to stop and look up. All of the windows were drawn and dark and for as long as Shinichi had known Hakase the older man hardly ever went anywhere without telling him. He remembered the icy feeling in his gut when he called Haibara and asked about Hakase. Her reply was simple and enough to send Shinichi into a panic. One line: I thought he was with you? He had searched for weeks with no luck not even one hint to where the man had gone. As the weeks stretched Shinichi stumbled on a secret room underneath the basement. Thousands upon thousands of files and research material lined the walls in cabinets. When Shinichi and Haibara went through them and the former Sherry agent nearly had a panic attack. Their friend and protector had been a researcher for the Organization. Not an active member but a part of them none the less. It had explained why he had known Haibara's father and why he so desperately warned Shinichi the night he was shrunk.

That night was the hardest for them. Haibara slipped so far into herself everyone began to worry about her health. Shinichi thanked god he had Ran and his parents by his side. His mother and father both worked with Haibara and returned to the states with her. Yukiko said it was a fresh start, away from memories that would have been too painful. He had to agree even after all this time he didn't know what happened. When he had the time he always looked, asked questions and made phone calls to his father many contacts if they had heard or seen anything and he refused to believe the worst. As for Haibara she kept as pessimistic as always but kept in contact with him; though those brief conversations were always done through encrypted emails and aliases. Ran had nearly accused him of cheating till he had Haibara explain who she was and why they were being secretive. That had been the closest Ran had ever gotten into knowing the truth.

Shinichi looked up to his childhood home and found the living room light burning. As it comforted him it also reminded him that it could just be temporary.

The foyer had a table lamp on and Ran's slate grey pumps nestled side by side neatly in front of the step. It was warm and because it was Shinichi notice he was chilled to the bone. He sat on the step and tugged off his shoes with stiff fingers.

Ran watched him from the living room entryway. He looked tired and cold. He also needed to shave badly. She had noticed that and continued to thanks to the beard burn on her throat from when he kissed her. That damn kiss. It had left her in knots and sorely cussing her control. She left him. She didn't love him but the sad thing was she did and still does. Ran shook her loose hair and approached him carefully. Her arms slid under his to hug him tightly. She felt his breath hitch and the muscles under her hands tense. Ran took note that he hadn't lost any weight and seemed fitter than when she left him. Burying her nose to his back she breathed in deeply. He smelt the same. Artificial forest and some spicy undertone. She knew he'd taste like either coffee or mint and the small scar on his right jaw would be slightly lighter than the rest of his skin. It had always drawn her and distracted her. Ran felt his hands lay over hers gently and to her surprise they shook. His whole body was shaking slightly.

"Shinichi?" She murmured and turned him to her.

The regret and apology had shown bright in the unshed tears. Embarrassed Shinichi covered his eyes with one of his hands. "I'm sorry, Ran. I'm so sorry. I … I wanted to tell you so many times. I had the chance so many more. I was … terrified of what would happen to you. Of your reaction. I didn't want to lose you." He gave a short laugh and scrubbed his hand over his face. "I lost you anyway."

Ran felt her eyes narrow and nearly retorted before Shinichi plowed on. He told her from day one; what had happened at Tropical Land, the pain of shrinking, the fear of dying. He told her about the gadgets Hakase made him and how he tranquillized her father to solve cases. Though right after that he apologized till her hands unclenched from fists. Shinichi explained why, who the Organization was, his fears about them. He told her about Gin and his doubt in being able to truly win against him. Shinichi spoke carefully about the Takedown. He didn't want to scare her too bad with how close the danger was to her family. Half way through they settled on the stairs. Ran listened and reacted. She asked questions and received the answers she had been so long denied.

Silence settled around them and they listened to the afternoon sounds creep into ones of the night.

"Hakase?" Ran asked and gently shifted down from the higher step to sit beside Shinichi.

He glanced at her briefly and stomped on the pain. "I don't know."

Ran had seen it and curled up to him. She knew how much the inventor had meant to Shinichi. Losing him was hurting the detective more than he let show. "I'm sorry."

Shinichi looked down at Ran in confusion.

"I'm sorry I didn't stay to listen. I'm sorry he's gone." Forgiveness. It had always been a constant in their relationship and was still going to be Ran decided and stood. Shinichi was watching her hopefully. She smiled at him softly and stroked his cheek. "I love you, Shinichi. I always will."

He felt his heart leap then freeze. There was a 'but' on the tip of her tongue. "But?"

Ran huffed and really cursed Shinichi's detective skills. "But not like that anymore."

Shinichi felt the numbness creep back in stronger. "I … see."

"Shinichi?"

He smiled at her. "It's okay … I'll be okay Ran. I knew or maybe I've always know."

She watched him close down on the pain and nearly regretted telling him that. "I know, Shinichi. I know."

They lay side by side and listened to each other breathe. Just listened to the soft evidence of life. Shinichi slipped into sleep first and surprised Ran when he curled on his side against her. She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair and remembered that she did this when he was Conan a lot. Wrapping her arms around him protectively she watched the waxing moon rise then disappeared overhead.

The next morning had greeted Shinichi with some emotional drainage. Ran had gone and left a short note saying 'thank you for finally telling me, here's my number and you need to shave'. For a moment he had to reread the note to make sure he wasn't seeing it wrong. Coming to the conclusion that it wasn't some weird dream from not eating the night before he settled back down to stare at the ceiling. He had told her the truth and managed to repair some of the damage that was done to their relationship yet …

"I love you, Shinichi. I always will."

He felt his heart leap then freeze. There was a 'but' on the tip of her tongue. "But?"

Ran huffed and really cursed Shinichi's detective skills. "But not like that anymore."

It wasn't enough. He had lost her. His face scrunched against the pressure in his chest and he had to sit up and gasp for air. His body shook and a cold sweat beaded against his forehead. He couldn't breathe. Shinichi half climb half fell out of the bed and remained on the floor clutching his chest.

Yukiko jump at the loud thud coming from above. Sitting quietly she stared at the ceiling and listened carefully. At first she didn't know what she heard. It was a cross between a sob and strangled moan. "Shinichi!?" She shouted and leaped when she heard the same sound again.

She ran up the stairs and nearly took the door off its hinges. Her son was curled on his side clawing at his chest and gasping as if he was drowning. She dropped to his side and sat him up. "Shinichi! Shinichi, it alright! You're okay, just breathe! Breathe!" She screamed and struggled to keep her own cool.

He clung to her like a barb. His eyes squeezed closed and the short breaths came in pained swallows. Shaking racked his body and kept him from staying upright. Shinichi could hear his mother's panicked voice shouting at him. He could feel her hands force his head down as she ordered him to breathe slowly. It hurt everything. His chest, breathing, his heart. Everything.

"She's gone."

Yukiko blinked in shock. She couldn't tell if he had said that or not but as the shaking slowed and his breathing came near regular broken only by hic cups. She heard him whisper it again. Lifting her son's face she watched his eyes focus then unfocused as if his body couldn't comprehend his minds shock.

"Shinichi" Yukiko started and held his face steady. When he focused on her she continued. "She is gone and it's not your fault."

While Yukiko stroked the top of Shinichi's head she realized that what they had just suffered for the last hour threw was a complete breakdown. She sighed, exhausted in trying to keep her son from hyperventilating and passing out. Though if he had it might have saved them the head ache. As her hand rose to repeat the stroke she noticed the slight tremors. She was still jittery. Finding Shinichi on the floor had brought back some horrible flash backs from when she was young and find her father on the floor. She was too late to help him.

Her breath hitched and she shook away the ghosts. Shinichi was alive and here in her arms. He was safe and would pull out of his depression. He wasn't like his grandfather. Yukiko felt Shinichi stir under her hand and watched him wake.

Dull Antwerp blue eyes blinked at the ceiling then focused on his mother's worried face. "Ka-san?"

"You scared me." Yukiko hiccupped and wrapped her arms around his neck after he sat up. "You scared me so bad!"

Shinichi heard his mother sob and rubbed his hand down her back. "I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better that scared the hell out of me too."

Yukiko glared at her son and sniffed at his sheepish smile. "Baka …"

"Sorry. I … I don't really know what happened. I was going to get up and all of a sudden I couldn't stand or breathe." Shinichi explained and continued to rub her back for himself now.

"Your mind and body finally caught up with one another." Yukiko mumble and sat back. "You were having a panic attack."

Shinichi blinked at his mother in disbelief then moved the stare to the wall. "Well … I don't ever want to go through that again."

Yukiko snorted then laughed. "You don't get a choice sometimes, Shinichi."