Elle, having been a simple girl raised in a simple home under simple people with simple rules all leading simple lives, was relatively boring and plain. There was not much to talk about her. The only trait she really displayed was cowardice. But that was only because of how sheltered she was. With a father and two nursemaids who gave her anything she wanted, she never had to exert much effort into anything. This meant she did very poorly at being brave. Any trouble she crossed was something worth calling out for help for. She even earned a reputation amongst her father's servants as a coward, but the word never bothered her much because she knew it was true. Even as the years passed and she tried to grow a bit braver, she still acknowledged her cowardice and the fact that there was an unusually high amount of it.
One of the only times Elle was ever brave came when she was 19 years old and a new visitor arrived at her schloss. The visitor was a mysterious and beautiful girl named Carmilla. She had come after suffering a carriage crash from which her mother could not take time to recover. Instead, she had left Carmilla at Elle's schloss before speeding off, despite the poor condition of the carriage. But Elle did not mind, really, having gained a new friend out of the bargain. In time, Elle would even consider the night of the carriage crash to be the best one of her life because of what it brought to her simple, little world.
Carmilla was anything but simple or plain. As mysterious and secretive as she was, Elle could already tell that the girl had explored the world and Elle craved those experiences as well.
"I promise I'll take you eventually," Carmilla told her one day. "I'll take you traveling and we'll see all the wonders of the world together!"
"Oh, wouldn't that be marvelous?!" Elle agreed with a dreamy sigh as she leaned against Carmilla's side, eyes wide and full of adoration. Carmilla nodded, smiling down at her before pressing a gentle but passionate kiss to her cheek. It surprised Elle and she even pulled away.
"What was that for?" she asked, touching the place where Carmilla had kissed her.
"Kisses are how friends display affection, are they not?" Carmilla replied serenely, and that had been the moment Elle knew she was in love.
At first, the thought gave her much grief.
"She couldn't really have meant it in that way, could she?" the girl asked herself later that night when Carmilla had gone to bed. "Surely not! Surely it was only a platonic kiss. I am a fool for thinking otherwise!" Elle continued to chastise herself and the foolish, impure thoughts the idea of kissing Carmilla gave her. She tried to tell herself it was just her imagination acting up and that the kiss had been nothing more than innocent friendship, like Carmilla had said. But following a dream that very night, wherein Carmilla had slithered into her bed with kisses and caresses, gentle and loving, Elle wasn't so sure…
As the days passed, Carmilla's displays of affection increased in number and openness and it made Elle uncomfortable. She never said a word against any of it, but it made her blush whenever Carmilla kissed her or left a hand on her leg for just too long. Elle was no longer able to meet the eyes of some of her keener servants. She knew what was doing was wrong, shameful, even wicked, but she couldn't help it. Carmilla just felt so right. In both word and deed, Elle loved everything Carmilla did and could not find it within herself to ever tell Carmilla to stop.
"I am such a coward," Elle sighed one day as she and Carmilla rested in the schloss' large and magnificent garden.
"How do you mean?" Carmilla replied, sounding hurt that Elle would every say anything against herself.
"You shower me with kisses and affection. You have feelings for me, don't you?" Elle replied. For a moment, Carmilla said nothing, but then she began to nod, and with that all-too-familiar voice, husky and fervent, she agreed.
"I do, Elle, I do. I love you more than anything in the world and it would do me great pleasure if you were to say you feel the same!" she said.
"But that's just it, Carmilla!" Elle exclaimed. "I don't know if I do."
"You don't know if you love me?" Carmilla sounded hurt and Elle instantly felt bad.
"I mean, I do," she amended. "But I am afraid."
"Of what? You know I'd never hurt you," Carmilla promised, taking Elle's hand into her own.
"I know you wouldn't, but what of the rest of the world?" Elle asked, and then she confessed. In truth, she did love Carmilla, deeply, but it still felt so wrong to her and she lived in fear of the day someone would find out. After she confessed, however, she began to feel better. The simple act of talking had relieved her of an immense burden and the promises Carmilla made to protect her soothed her even further.
"I won't let anybody hurt you," Carmilla promised softly, kissing Elle's cheek and dragging her lips across her friend's skin.
"Mmmm, I know," Elle hummed in pleasure. She was still a little afraid, but when Carmilla was near, nothing in the world could bother her.
After that day in the garden, following Carmilla's promise, Elle felt braver and braver every day. There were still times when she worried that the servants were beginning to suspect and there were still times when she would curse herself for being the way she was, but with Carmilla at her side, she was getting better.
"Be brave," Carmilla advised when Elle admitted to worrying that the cook might have known about them and would tell her father.
"But how?" Elle pleaded sadly. She still had yet to tell Carmilla that there were nights when she would hide her Bible outside of her room just because she feared that God himself would be judging her for the way she loved Carmilla.
"Tell yourself you don't care what they think because they are beneath you and remember that you and I are one, forever," Carmilla replied. "You may be afraid, but there are none on, above or below this earth that can stop us."
"How can you be so sure of that?" Elle continued to frown. There was still a small part of her that wished she didn't feel this way for Carmilla. There was still a part of her that wondered if this wasn't wrong after all. There was still a part of her that feared what her family and her God might think if she didn't try to fix herself.
"I just am," Carmilla replied, then she kissed Elle again and all of Elle's fears vanished like the morning dew.
A couple months later, however, those fears had returned and were becoming realities.
"You're a monster," Elle breathed in horror as she finally realized what Carmilla was. Some stranger in the village had pulled her aside and whispered to her, right then and there, that Carmilla wasn't all that she seemed. As much as Elle had tried to ignore it, that woman's words struck a chord with Elle and all she could do was continue to listen to the woman speak.
"Your guest, Carmilla, is not what you think! She is a liar and a monster and she does not love you or anybody else!" the woman declared.
"What do you mean?" Elle demanded, suddenly feeling very much afraid and wishing that Carmilla, herself, would come and help.
"She is a monster, a vampire!" the woman cried. At first, Elle had only laughed, but when the woman began to explain, it all made an eerie amount of sense. Everything added up. What frightened Elle most of all, however, was not the realization that Carmilla was a vampire, but the realization that Carmilla might not have loved her at all…
One of the things the woman said was that vampires had no ability to love, and what little they did feel was usually only for themselves or for blood. It was never another human being. So this meant that all of Carmilla's words and promises, kisses and caresses, had all been false. From the start, it had only been an act. It was a hard thing for Elle to hear, but what the woman said made so much sense that Elle began to see the truth. Carmilla was a vampire and Carmilla didn't love her at all. That was when the self-doubt crept in.
"I should've known!" Elle cursed herself as the woman drove her back to the schloss where she was to confront Carmilla at once. "I should've known someone like her could never really love someone like me! It was always too good to be true!" she began to weep softly at the horrific and depressing thought. "All along, I was only ever entertainment to her. She never really loved me and she was never going to take me traveling at all!" Elle continued to lament as the carriage sped on. How could she have been so foolish as to think that Carmilla loved her? The clues were all there in plain sight. She had just been too blind to see them. Now, it was impossible to ignore them.
After arriving back home, Elle had all but sprinted from the carriage and to the library where Carmilla waited for her. It was there that Elle confronted the girl, the vampire, on the truth. Elle had hoped that this would all turn out to be some joke or mistake, but when Carmilla did expose her fangs to Elle after Elle intentionally caused herself to bleed, Elle knew that it was over. So, the woman had been right.
"You're a monster…" Carmilla had never loved her at all. All of those conversations about courage and learning self-acceptance were nothing more than lies. All that talk of freedom, escape and new life together. It was nothing more than Carmilla trying to tell Elle what she wanted to hear. Carmilla told honeyed lies to keep Elle engaged and it worked like a charm.
But what hurt Elle most of all was the fact that there was one small shred of truth in all of the lies. This truth was the fact that Elle really had loved Carmilla, truly and genuinely. That much had not been false. So to learn that Carmilla's love was all only skin-deep made everything so much more hollow. None of it had been real. It had only been Carmilla's way of getting a free meal. Elle didn't really matter at all in the vampire's cruel and hungry eyes. All that mattered was what lay under her pretty face. But Elle had truly loved Carmilla, and that was what hurt the most.
Elle cursed herself again. She should've known. She should've known that someone like Carmilla was just too perfect. She should've known that if someone came to her with sinful desires, they would end up being bad news for her even if she thought they were different. Elle began to curse who she was again, ashamed and afraid that society had been right all along about people like her. And she had just come to terms with the fact that she was… a…well… a lesbian. Now here she was, finding out that the very girl she'd fallen for was a literal demon. Figures. What holy and pure person fell in love with someone of the same sex? Elle shivered, both in disgust with herself and Carmilla.
After that, Elle surrendered Carmilla to the mysterious woman from the village and it was the last time either of them saw each other for about 150 years more. Elle's own life did not go much better than Carmilla's, however. At first, it seemed like the village woman was going to become Elle's new friend. She'd promised to take Elle traveling just like Carmilla had but, unlike Carmilla, there would be no lies between them. Elle hadn't trusted the woman at all, but the pain of Carmilla's betrayal blinded her, and Elle followed the woman like a sheep after a shepherd. It had been Elle's intention just to get away. From all of it! She wanted to burn every memory of Carmilla that she ever had to the ground and forget.
Elle wanted to forget all of the kisses and promises. She wanted to remember how loved and special Carmilla had made her feel. She wanted to forget how much time and effort it had taken her to get over the fact she was gay. She had fought so hard to love herself for herself so that she could be open with Carmilla and now she'd come to learn that Carmilla didn't actually love her at all. It undid all of her work, negated all of her sacrifice. Elle had never felt more used in her life than when it occurred to her that every act of courage she'd made on Carmilla's behalf had all been fake. And it never left her mind that Carmilla's vampirism meant the only other lesbian Elle knew was a literal monster. It was not a very comforting thought, but just like everything else, it refused to let her go.
"Where do you want to go first?" the village woman asked as she and Elle boarded the carriage waiting outside the schloss.
"Away from here," Elle replied hollowly. "I don't care at all. Just as long as it gets me anywhere else but here!"
"Done," the woman replied, then off they went.
At first, things were ok, but then, Elle's grief cleared just long enough for her to realize what she had done.
"Oh, God!" she gasped. Had she really just surrendered the girl she… loved… in a fit of anger? She had! And who knew where Carmilla was now? What if she wasn't even alive anymore? Well, technically, she hadn't been to begin with… but you know! Elle just couldn't help but worry. As mad and hurt as she was because of Carmilla, she began to regret her decision of just handing her over to the first suspicious crone that asked. It dawned on Elle that she might've just handed Carmilla a death sentence and even if Carmilla deserved it, Elle had to admit that she still didn't want the vampire dead. As sickening as it was to think that she had been kissing a vampire, Elle stilled care for Carmilla a little. Finally, the girl came up with a plan to return to her schloss and see if she could find out what had become of Carmilla…
"Where are you going?!" the village woman demanded when she saw Elle trying to leave their hotel.
"I just want to know what you've done with Carmilla," Elle replied, fighting to stay calm.
"Oh, her," the woman waved a dismissive hand. "You need not worry about that. She won't bother us, or anyone else, again."
"And what does that mean? You didn't kill her, did you?" Elle asked warily.
"Why would you care?" the woman replied. It was in that moment that Elle realized what trouble she was in. She knew she would need an insane amount of courage to do what she was going to do next, but she figured that it was worth it…
"Cowardly as I am and unloving as you are, I must know what happened!" Elle muttered, speaking to herself and Carmilla both. Then, as soon as night fell, she stole the woman's carriage and rode it back to her schloss. She had to know the truth, and see if it wasn't too late to save Carmilla. Even Elle, mad as she was, was not cruel enough to wish a death upon anyone… even Carmilla.
Elle had just reached the doors of her schloss, her father running at her and demanding where she and Carmilla had been, when a horrific scream rose up from the ground beneath them both. Elle was thrown back towards the carriage and her father back towards the schloss. Suddenly, the village woman was there. She towered over Elle, unmatched rage and hatred burning in her coal-black eyes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?!" she hissed. Elle opened her mouth to speak, but her courage had gone again and only cowardice remained, like always. She could only stare up in wide-mouthed horror and terror, frozen in fear.
"Thought so," the woman grunted, then she picked Elle up by the scruff of the neck and began to carry her away. Elle screamed and cried, thrashing like the devil to escape, but it was useless. The woman was far too strong, and Elle's father had since been knocked out due to his impact with the schloss wall. She would never see his eyes again, though they would open the next morning to find his daughter and her friend gone for good.
Elle's final destination was a strange underground chamber and she had no recollection of anything other than the faint scream of Carmilla, coming from somewhere far away. Once again, Elle felt a strange mix of justice and terror at the sound, wanting to free Carmilla and remind her that she deserved whatever had happened to her at the same time. She had no time to dwell on these thoughts, however, because suddenly, the village woman was back. A few other figures stood with her, but they made no sound.
"Ah, Elle, so glad you could join us! You gave us quite the scare, there! You almost missed the party!" she crooned.
"Party?" Elle echoed, tongue heavy and voice not quite her own.
"Yes, party," the woman replied, then she gestured to the center of the large chamber. There, in front of them, was a giant pit of pure light. Elle suddenly felt compelled to go towards it, despite her rationale telling her to run in the opposite direction.
"Yes dear, a party. And it is almost time for the main event, but don't be afraid! It won't hurt one bit and it will all be over before you even know it…" the village woman repeated as Elle drew closer to the edge of the giant pit.
"Party. I want to go to the party," Elle droned softly, unseeing and unthinking. "Party… Light… So beautiful…"
"That's it, there you go," the woman continued to encourage, voice far softer than when Elle had last heard it. It was soft and gentle again now. Elle finally reached the Pit's edge. She leaned down and recoiled at once as she saw Carmilla's face, looking up at her, frozen in a silent scream. She heard her name shouted at once before the vision vanished, but it was enough. Elle woke up. Suddenly, she was in full control of her entire being again and she knew that, somehow, she had just been given the chance to escape…To run and be free… To live again…
But she didn't. She was too scared. All of the fight had gone out of her and all that remained was cowardice, pure, plain and simple. So when the time came for Elle to go, although she was terrified of the Pit, she was even more terrified of the woman who had brought her here. Her cowardice pushed her onward and when the time came, she jumped willingly into the blinding white light. She had nothing else to live for. Carmilla was gone. Her father would figure out the truth. The village woman would hunt her down for the rest of her life. There would be no true escape. So Elle jumped in. Though the world would say that she was forced in, mind-controlled to jump, she knew the truth. She had been in complete control when her feet left the edge of the Pit. She had jumped in of her own free will.
Besides, the grief Carmilla had caused her was still so strong that Elle couldn't see any reason why she ought to live even if she had a way out. She took no pleasure in life anymore. It still stung her to think, after spending so much time trying to accept her homosexuality, she had come to see that the one other gay person she knew was quite literally a demon. Not exactly the most comforting of realizations.
Maybe they were right all along. Maybe it was better this way if Elle just jumped. It would be easier and, as the woman said, painless. What could go wrong? Besides, according to society and God, she had no place amongst them. Not after what she had done with Carmilla… She heard Carmilla scream her name one last time and had the chance to wonder if Carmilla would be waiting for her on the other side when her entire world went silent. It did not go dark, however. If anything, the light became even brighter and, somehow, Elle knew it would never go out.
Elle would come to regret her decision to just jump in without putting up one last fight, but she had just been so scared and tired at the time that she didn't really see any other option than the Pit. But that was what cowardice did to a person. It trapped them in place and then shined in their eyes as a blinding reminder of every "what if" and "if only". Elle, having been a simple girl raised in a simple home under simple people with simple rules all leading simple lives, was relatively boring and plain. There was not much to talk about her. The only trait she really displayed was cowardice and now, she was forced to relive that fact over and over and over again, forever.
AN: Day 7 is another bit of a downer. As you can see, it's based off the Carmilla webseries and just tells Elle's story because, as I've stated many times before, I feel that she is very underrated. This was just to paint her in a slightly better light because I feel that the creators went just a bit too far in making her an unsympathetic monster. In this version, Elle is just a girl who struggles with fear and, like so many of us, always lets it get the best of her.
The one thing in particular that I wanted this story to show was the idea that she wasn't just afraid of Carmilla being a vampire, but afraid of Carmilla being lesbian. Imagine knowing that you, yourself, are gay and thinking that it's a sin and you're going to burn for it. Then imagine meeting another gay person and falling in love with them. Imagine that, for the very first time, you feel that it is possible for someone like you to love and be loved. Then imagine finding out that it was all a sick joke. It's especially painful for Elle because, after finally accepting her homosexuality, she comes to realize that the only other gay person she knows is a person that Christian canon considers demonic. Way to tell someone that it's ok to be gay, am I right? IDK, this fic was just supposed to be about fear, especially fear about being gay and how disheartening it can be to 'realize' that you're broken after all, as Elle does.