Chapter 7

Over the months, I never stopped believing my mom would come back. When I would be in the library, hauled up in some book about psychology, or biology, or really anything and I would hear a noise, I would look up, expecting to see my mother striding in. I would imagine that she did, every time that she didn't and I would imagine her saying something loving like "Eve, your hair is so damn messy, you look like an ugly hobo" or "Why do you have to be such a useless nerd?" Calev, as well as some of the books I had read, had expanded my vocabulary.

Most of the time, the creaking of the wood was Sebastian, checking up on me. David preferred to stay away from me, in the state that I was in. I was glad when it was Calev, although strangely the first emotion I would feel every time I saw him was annoyance.

"Eve" He said sometime in the middle of the sixth month that we had been there, interrupting my reading of a horrid novel called Pride and Prejudice. "When's your birthday?"

I snapped the book shut and slammed it onto the shelf with the other Jane Austen novels, making a mental note to avoid that shelf, or perhaps burn it. "I don't know" The familiar feeling of annoyance came over me, as I realized how dumb I sounded.

"Come on" He said. "It's got to have been around this time right?"

I started searching an unexplored bookshelf for something better to read.

"My point is Eve, you've got to see your mom on your birthday"

I smashed my finger between two books as I let go of a heavier one at his words. "Ow" I said holding my finger and cussing softly.

"Are you okay?" Somehow the stupefied worry in his voice only increased my irritation. He grabbed my finger and examined it.

I shook him off. "It's just a break" I said looking with disinterest at its crooked angle, and the purple swelled around it. "It will be healed by dinner"

"You should drink now" Calev always seemed to have blood-snacks in his pockets.

I drank the one he handed me while giving him a weird look. My bone snapped back into place and the swelling receded into my skin.

I sighed when I was done. I didn't want to admit this to Calev, but I hated how everyone in the house followed the unspoken rule of never talking about my mom again. I knew he wouldn't bring it up again though, if I didn't say what would make me vulnerable now.

"Will you go with me?" It didn't matter how confident I could make the words sound in my head, they still came out timid.

He jerked his head in a funny twist when he finally realized what I meant. "Yeah Eve!" he said nodding dutifully. "I want to go with you to find your mom."

David introduced me and Calev to a vampire and her son, at dinner. They had been turned by a rogue, which we assumed wordlessly was either my mom or Michael. With the new arrival, David and Sebastian had decided it was time to join the war. They would search for floating vampires, and make new ones if they couldn't find any. David was going to instruct the children in fighting, which we wouldn't use until we were eighteen to fight, and this new woman Sarroria, would train the adults. I grinned at the thought of training. I would be far ahead of the other students. The boy's name was Jayden. I and Calev would glance at him when we thought he wasn't looking. The boy had the same straight black hair as his mother's, but his muscles were thick, (considerably thicker than Calev's thin arms) while Sarroria's figure was tall and thin.

I found myself more interested in the relationship the boy had with his mother, than his appearance. The quiet way that they just seemed together, the easy flow of their brief comments. Weather me and my mom were in cold silence or in conflicted conversation, we were never together the way that Jayden and Sarroria were.

Jayden had a quiet that only broke for few questions. So I told him things, just to fill the silence, things that might have been too personal.

"A quote that really stuck with me Eve, from my readings," Jayden said, strolling through the library with me. "Was that people spend too much time asking how, instead of why….Why do you want to find your mom? Eve, I'm not saying that you should find your mom or that you shouldn't, I'm only saying that you need to know your purpose, whatever choice you make"

I thought about how for so long, I had just wanted to show her, to waltz in and spit in her face because I had survived the hell of a life that Selene had left me in. I had wanted to be Selene, but the better one, the one who hadn't made all her mistakes, the one who didn't have all of her weaknesses. Then I remembered my days in Antigen, how daydreams had served as a surrogate for something that had never been given by Caretaker #7, something I had only read about in stupid books in this Manson, something that had had no importance in my life before, but maybe now this could fill the hole.

"Love…" I said, whatever that distant theory meant. The word sounded weak and vulnerable to my ears.

Jayden looked at me solemnly for a long time. He nodded. "There you go Eve, wherever you go, you must find love…"

Calev packed five extra blood bags in the trunk of the car, along with a vast assortment of weapons. He wanted to take ten bags, but I refused, we weren't going to be out that long. We snuck out at night, taking the black Tesla, instead of the white or red one. We decided to leave tonight because, at long last, I had seen through my mother's eyes.

"I finally remembered my birthday" My voice was sarcastic, but I spoke the truth. Somehow trauma had jarred the burned in date out of my brain. "It's not for like another three months"

"It doesn't matter Eve" For ounce Jayden's voice was calm and serious. "There really is no perfect time to do anything…only a time"

"I see you've been talking to Jayden too" I said.

He blushed a little, "Only as much as you have"

Was that jealousy in his voice? I wondered.

I felt restless as I whatched the Tesla charge in a deserted parking lot. I didn't know how long my mom would stay in the forest where Michael had died. It was about an hour away from where we were now.

"What are you going to say to her?" Calev asked back on the road.

I squirmed in my seat a little. "I'm going to be like F-you mom!"

I and Calev burst into long, tension relieving laughter. Finally I composed myself. "No seriously…I really don't know Calev, I was hoping it would sort of come naturally, in the moment you know"

"Well, considering what you come up with in the moment Eve" He said, obviously referring to my pervious words. "You might want to think of something"

I collapsed into laughter again, I think it was the first funny joke I had heard Calev say. Laughing was something I had never done in Antigen. David and Calev had slowly taught me how too.

"I guess I'll just say I'm sorry…."

"Sorry for what?!" Calev's voice was incredulous.

"For not freeing Michael, when I freed her, for being born…if I hadn't been, my mom could have found Michael, instead of wasting time finding people to take care of me…she knows this, that's why she left. She won't admit it, but she blames me for Michael's death"

"Eve, it's not your fault! You saved the bi-"He caught himself at my glare. "I mean your mom…"

"Yeah, I don't know…" I just hoped apologizing would make her stay. I didn't know if Selene had felt guilty for anything in her life, but I may as well try to make her feel it now.

I liked sharing myself with Calev, who listened but couldn't seem to judge. I liked the silence too though. But then I broke it, I couldn't stand all of the emotions staying inside of me. Calev, an already silly person, was happy to laugh with me at the dumbest, most random things in my mind. I was reminded of how people in the novels I read acted when they were high. Calev laughed even more (if that was even possible) after I said this. The anxiety built inside of me, as he pulled the car into the lot. We were here.

"Actually Calev, we should just go back…"

"Come on" I was relieved that he could be strong for me. He opened my door and gently grabbed my arm. "Three more months in that library all day will be a lot more worse than this"

I still resisted. "What if it goes wrong?" I got out of the car on shaky legs. "What if I say something stupid?"

"You know what Eve," His voice was determined. "It doesn't matter if your mom loves you….because...because...I love you"

We kissed, my nervous lips meeting his clumsy ones. I didn't know if it was just because I was high on terror, but I didn't really care, I loved the way it felt, and if it was possible for me to feel love, then I loved him.

He stuck to my shoulder as I entered the forest. I found myself running, which felt good, because it almost released some of the fear, although there was too much fear for it to all be spent. I had another vision, which twisted my foot on a root and sent me into the ground.

"Stay here" I told Calev as he knelt beside me. "I know where she is"

When I stepped around the tree, I was jolted by my mom's eyes. She was kneeling on the ground, and had happened to be facing the direction I came from.

"Eve…" Her soft voice froze me in place.

She stood gracefully, and walked a circle around my body, before standing in front of me again. She touched my shoulder. "You shouldn't have come here" She said when her eyes were meeting mine.

"I left you for a reason!" Her voice held rising anger. "I left you with people who could care for you, where you were safe Eve! That was my choice! Not yours! You can't keep following me. You can't just show up!"

"Mom…I love you" The words fell helplessly out of my mouth. I knew if I didn't say them, I would never be able to, but that didn't make me regret them any less.

She softened, in sympathy, in fear. "Look, I'm sorry that all of this happened to you…I really wish it didn't, but I can't be a mom. I have to leave now, don't follow me, and don't try to find me"

The words rang through my body.

"I love you Eve" Selene's hand slid off of my shoulder.

As I watched my mom leaving for the last time, the glint of her leather, her short black hair, I knew I never wanted to be loved again.

Calev appeared from around the tree. He put his arm around me, I didn't melt in his arms, I didn't move, I remained stiff.

Author's Note: Okay, I feel like this chapter could use some editing, basically Selene doesn't want to see Eve because she doesn't feel like she would be good at raising her. Review! :)