AUTHORS NOTE:

I have 40 reviews! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Thank you sooooooooooooo much everyone! I have 8 votes. But, you crazy people, Mulch is the most voted for by 2 votes. If it was up to me, Butler would go. But I did say that you could all vote and that so……….. Mulch will go. I still think you people are totally crazy though. But thanks anyway! So, just so you know, the housmates task in the big brother thing was not my idea – it is actually something that is happening in the current series of Big Brother over here. So now for:

Reality TV: Lower Elements Style

Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage

"Hello Haven, and welcome to another episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! My name is Don Eferk, I am your host, and here are your contestants!"

The audience burst into wild applause. Mulch stood up, considering his options. No matter how funny it was watching Julius and Artemis get humiliated, his bones were crying out for the tunnels. And, even though dwarf bones didn't have any extraordinary powers, he usually did what they told him to do. He could go dig a hole now but….. people would notice. And those security gnomes were STRONG! Plus, everybody would see him. So this is why Mulch Diggums had decided to wait until the next task to escape. Or would have, if not for what happened next.

"And going tonight, " Said Don, in that really annoying way all reality TV show hosts seem to have perfected, "Is………. Mulch Diggums!"

Mulch smirked. This was his chance. He skipped up to the stage and collected his '101 ways to cook apples' book and allowed himself to be escorted off stage. But, while in the wings, he looked directly at Julius, waited until Julius was looking at him (which actually took quite a long time) and mouthed: "So long, sucker!" Then he was gone, burrowing deep into the dirt. Time to get himself a nice little hell hole where the LEP wouldn't find him.

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Commander Root was fairly happy that Mulch had gotten voted off. Now, there was no pesky convict to giggle at him while he messed things up. But then a waving figure in the wings caught his eye. What the d'arvit? It was Diggums! A growl emerged from his throat. The convict was mouthing something at him. And the commander was no lip reader but what with the gestures Mulch was making with his hands it was pretty obvious. The little reprobate was telling him to go and get stuffed! He leapt up, but then the dwarf disappeared into the dirt. Root sighed. So much work to do, so little time. And there was also the small matter of him being on a TV show.

"So, contestants, the next part of the competition is…….. Big Brother!"

The Big Brother House, Some unknown location, The Lower Elements

"This is big brother." A voice filtered through the house, "Housemates, to the living room."

Holly, Artemis, Butler, Foaly and Root were carrying various bags and suitcases. They all went to a place they assumed to be the living room.

"Housemates."

"Big Brother," answered Foaly.

"Welcome to the Big Brother house. You may put away your luggage and come back here to find out about this weeks task."

So they all trailed into room after room, trying to find the bedroom.

"Hey look, a training room!"

"This is a bathroom. Eew, a bathroom INSIDE the house?"

"Do you think the bedroom will be outside?"

"I would believe that this is the bedroom."

The last one was Artemis. He opened the door. Inside were five double beds.

"Ooh, a bed each!" Foaly said, excited. He jumped onto a bed, grabbed the pillow and yelled "Pillow fight!"

As Holly got out another pillow and started whacking Foaly with it, Commander Root sighed. He was, by far, the oldest here. And the difference in maturity was obvious. He glanced at Artemis. The Mud Boy was far too interested in examining the complex one way window/mirror system. It was left up to him, Julius Root, to put the housemates into order.

"Everyone! Big Brother told us to put away our stuff and get to the living room quickly!"

"Yeah, and you are what? Our commander?" Foaly asked.

"Actually, I am."

"Nuh-uh. That was in Police land. Here, Julius, you are nothing but our equal."

"WHY YOU LITTLE- I'M SORRY, PONY BOY, BUT 'POLICE LAND' IS AN ACTUAL PLACE AND, NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY THIS PLACE IS FROM IT, I AM STILL YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER AND YOU WILL STILL OBEY AND RESPECT ME!"

"Well, me not being an officer and all, you are not actually a SUPERIOR officer to me. Howev-" Foaly stopped. Roots face was turning red, his cigarette was getting more crushed by the second and the motions he was making with his hands were making it all to clear. Budget cuts. The centaur gulped. How was he supposed to be a genius with limited funds? He decided, wisely, to shut up.

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So, once everyone had put away their tracksuits, LEP suits, shirts and designer suits, they all went to the living room once again.

"This is big brother. Housemates, you will notice there are dummies outside, next to the pool. These will be your dance partners."

Holly groaned. Not more dancing! She would almost prefer to deal with Chix Verbil back at Police Plaza than this. Almost.

"Today, housemates will decorate their dummies using the provided materials. You will start dance lessons tomorrow. That is all."

"More dancing? Noooooo!" Foaly was annoyed. Visibly. But he followed the rest of them into the backyard.

"Hey, a spa!" Holly was excited.

"Hey, a pool!" Foaly enjoyed swimming. He knew five types of dog-paddle.

If Butler wasn't 40 years old, a body guard and a guy, he would have been squealing with delight over the weight machines, treadmills and bikes. So instead, he contented himself with looking at them with an extra interested spark in his eye. But the thing that captured Root and Artemis's eyes was not any of the extravagant luxuries that came with the big brother house, it was the five dummies laid out on a mat in the centre of the lawn. Oh dear. There was one male elf dummy, two female human dummies, one female elf dummy and one centaur female dummy.

"Paint to decorate dummies," Artemis read off the top of the paint tins.

"EVERYONE! STOP ADMIRING THE HOUSE AND GET THE HELL OVER HERE!" Root yelled, getting down to business. Holly, Butler and Foaly wandered over.

"So we what? Paint the dummies faces?" Holly asked.

"That was what was just said, wasn't it?" Artemis asked.

"Fine, Mud Boy. I got that."

"I never said you didn't."

Holly sighed. It was annoying arguing with geniuses. They always managed to annoy you, proclaim their brilliance and imply that you were stupid, in one sentence. She opened a tin of light brown paint and painted her dummy's white face. She then looked around. "What the hell are you doing Foaly?"

"It's called 'being creative.'" Pouted the centaur. "I am not bound by society's restricting images of the average centaur, instead, by pushing boundries and working outside the square, I am using the left (AN: Or possibly right) side of my brain to create a masterpiece that can only be enjoyed by those of higher mental capacity, namely – myself."

"For goodnessake, Foaly, you've painted it purple, green and blue. With a bit of brown."

"As I said before, only those of higher mental capacity can truly appreciate my masterpiece." He smirked patronizingly. "For example, not you."

Holly was annoyed. "Well then why don't we just ask one of those of 'higher mental capacity.' Artemis, what do you think of Foaly's , er, 'masterpiece'?"

Artemis looked. "I think that Foaly may have a slight lack of perceptual sensitivity to certain colors."

Foaly looked wounded. The others just looked confused.

Artemis smirked. "Sorry, I forget that there are some others whose mentality has not matured. In other words, friends, the centaur is probably colour-blind."

"I am not!" Yelled Foaly. But his protests fell on deaf ears.

"Yes!" Commander Root agreed. "I had no idea why he kept insisting that my face was turning green. But it must have been RED and he got confused!"

"Yeah, come on Foaly. You're a genius. You must have seen this coming." Holly hit Foaly playfully on the shoulder.

"Actually, Holly, you're right. I am a genius, with the highest tested IQ under the earth. So, it stands to reason that I am right when you are not. I AM NOT COLOUR BLIND!" And with that Foaly busied himself in painting the face of his dummy, trying to ignore the chuckles aimed his way.

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"This is Big Brother. Housemates, to the living room."

They all sat down on the plush couches in the living room.

"As it is your first night here, Big Brother is providing dinner for you. Go to the store, where you will find your meal already provided."

Holly was starving and she raced off with Foaly. Root had the dignity to at least slow down to a power walk and Butler, under Artemis's instruction, waited for them to return with the food.

"What do you think of our current situation, Butler?" Asked Artemis.

Butler shrugged. He had no idea.

"As far as I can see, there is no way out of the house, and even if there were, we are on live TV and there is no way of leaving without being seen."

Butler nodded. "Master Artemis, I believe that this is the most secure prison I have ever been enclosed in."

Artemis nodded thoughtfully. "I must think harder."

And there was no doubt in Butlers mind that, if there was a way out, Master Artemis would find it.

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"Pass the carrots, Holly." Mumbled Foaly through a mouthful of half-chewed salad.

Holly held the bowl slightly out of his reach. "Honestly, Foaly, you are such an…. an…. un-mannered fairy!"

Artemis reached for his water glass. "I believe the term is ill-mannered."

Root had to agree. "elbows on the table, talking with mouth full, not sitting properly on chair-"

"Hey!" Foaly had to protest. "What is this? Pick on Foaly day? Have any of you actually tried to sit on a chair with FOUR LEGS? I can tell you, it's not all fun and games."

"Okay, okay." Holly said, laughing. "We'll stop picking on you. What would you mother say about your manners, though?"

Foaly was about to answer when:

"This is big brother. Foaly, to the diary room."

"He's probably calling to complain about the fact you're putting viewers off their dinner with your table manners."

Foaly shot Root a sparing glance but trotted off to the diary room.

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"Foaly."

"Big Brother!"

"I have a mission for you, Foaly."

Foaly frowned. The voice sounded familiar. But he couldn't even do a search for similar vocal patterns without his computers. He sighed. How he missed his computers. 10 weeks without them? It was enough to make a computer geek go mad.

"Do you accept the mission, Foaly."

Foaly ran a mental check. Nope, Big Brother hadn't actually told him what the mission was.

"What is the mission?"

"You must either accept or deny the mission."

"So, I'm not allowed to know what the mission is?"

"No."

"Oh. Well how am I supposed to decide what to do?"

Big Brothers voice slightly changed then. "You're the genius, pony-boy!" Their was some muffled speech in the background. Then Big Brothers voice came back. "If you complete this mission successfully, you will guarantee the housemates will successfully complete this week's task."

"What is this week's task?"

"Didn't I tell you?" There was more muffled speech in the background. Foaly narrowed his eyes. Something weird was going on here. "Oh. So I didn't. This week you and the other housemates will learn the tango and will have to dance it properly for me at the end of the week. If you successfully do this, you get to leave the house. If not, you stay here. Foaly, if you successfully complete the mission you will guarantee their task is completed properly. If not, they will not get to leave the house."

Foaly thought about it for all of two seconds. If he could somehow let all of them out of the house, they'd have to stop teasing him! "I accept."

"Very well. Here is your task. You need to deliberately sabotage the housemate's weekly task."

"Okay. How do you propose I do that?"

"You must hide the heads of three of the housemates dummies before the end of the week. You have five days. You must tell no one about this task. If you are caught, deny everything. That is all."

Foaly got up and left the room. This was getting interesting.

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"Did Big Brother tell you off for being a slob?" Was the first thing Foaly heard when he walked in the room. He said nothing, opting to give the housemates a sly smile. Or what he thought was a sly smile.

"That bad, huh?" Asked Holly. She turned to the commander. "We'd better stop teasing him. He doesn't like it."

This comment earned Foaly a lot of scorn. He flicked his tail, slightly miffed.

"For your information I-" He stopped. He couldn't reveal the information to them yet. He mumbled something under his breath, gave them a smile and cut a slice of carrot cake. Mmmmm, carrot cake. It made him feel a lot better, stopped him from answering Julius's questions and he could eat the whole thing himself, if Holly or Julius didn't decide they wanted a slice. For now, life was good.

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That night, while the housemates were snoring gently (or, in Commander Root's case, not so gently) Foaly crept out. He pulled a jacket over his pyjama top, paused only to contemplate taking a photo of Artemis (who was dribbling) decided against it and continued out. He went to the living room, where the dummies were kept, and looked around. There were five heads, any of which he could take. But which one should he take? Hmmm… Let's go for Commander Root's.

"Sayonara, sweetheart!" Foaly said, pulling the head off and walking back into the bedroom. He stopped. If he walked into the bedroom now, with a dummies head in his hand, it would be sort of obvious to everyone, no matter how dumb, that he had taken the head. It was three o'clock in the morning and he had perhaps five minutes before Butler - who was a light sleeper and could get up at the first hint of trouble - heard his hooves, suspected the centaur was plotting to kill Artemis, and come out to investigate. So, against a more awake centaur's better judgement, Foaly crept into the bathroom and attempted to flush the dummy head down the toilet. Un-surprisingly, the head didn't flush properly. Foaly decided against pulling the head out of the toilet and sighed and went back to bed, preferring to tackle the problem in the morning.

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It was Artemis's scream that woke everyone up the next morning. Well, that and the fact Butler immediately pulled out his Sig Saur, stood at the door and yelled: "Intruder, beware! I am armed and prepared to kill you!"

This is more effective than the loudest alarm. Upon waking up, the housemates went into the bathroom to find Artemis standing there, looking at the toilet.

Holly went for some sarcasm. "Yes, Mud boy, it disturbed me too to find a toilet inside but…. You're a genius! It's just a toilet."

Artemis gave them a look that would have shriveled a flower and attempted to gather what was left of his dignity.

"I realize that, friends. I…. it…. It just shocked me….." It was hard to act sophisticated towards people that have just discovered you looking at a TOILET in shock.

Butler patted his young master on the shoulder. "It's okay, Artemis. It's just a-" he leaned into the toilet, jumped back and, if he wasn't 40, a bodyguard and a guy, would have screamed. Foaly realized what was happening.

"I- need to go get a drink." He stammered, before exiting the room abruptly. Julius scowled at him before looking into the toilet. He jumped back, banging into Butler.

"Yeep!"

Holly had to laugh. "Hey, commander! That's the head of your dummy!"

Root looked back in the toilet. D'Arvit! She was right! He shot her a look. She was either shivering or laughing. He was willing to bet she was laughing. He was right. D'Arvit!

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After all the business with the toilet and the dummy head (which no one seemed to want to remove) the housemates had built up quite an appetite. They went to the kitchen where they found Foaly eating the rest of the carrot cake.

"I might have wanted that!" Holly yelled.

"Too bad, Captain!" Foaly yelled back. He picked up a knife and fork, making a cross with them. "You'll have to get past me first!"

In a few seconds he was on the ground and Holly was eagerly eating a very large slice of cake. Artemis was looking at them with the well known 'I'm supposed to socialize with THEM?' expression on his face.

"Butler, is there anything else I could partake in eating?"

Butler methodically searched through the pantry. He eventually pulled out a box of 'Frost Flakes.' This time Artemis looked at him with a 'You expect me to eat THAT?' expression on his face.

"Any camembert?" He asked, desperate. Butler shook his head. "Any caviar? Don't they even have scrambled eggs?" The answer was, again, negative. Artemis sighed. He would never complain about the food in Saint Bartlebys again.

After breakfast, Commander Root wanted a shower. He stepped under the shower head, turned the water on, waited the few seconds it usually took for the water to warm up in the Lower Elements and stepped in. He immediately jumped out.

"D'Arvit, D'arvit, D'ARVIT!" He screamed. As usual, this brought the whole house running. They barged in, saw him and crept out. Root blushed, put on some clothes and went to talk to Big Brother. And when I say talk, I mean more like shout.

"WHAT THE D'ARVIT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, CIVILIAN? I GO CHECK THE HOT WATER THING (AN: I can't remember what it's called) AND THE HOT WATER ISN'T EVEN TURNED ON! I COULD HAVE CAUGHT HYPERTHERMIA! ANYTHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED! I COULD HAV-"

"Julius, Big Brother has-"

"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS! THE NAME IS EITHER COMMANDER ROOT OR SIR!"

A strange noise emerged from the microphone. It sounded like giggling. "As I was (hee hee) saying bef (heehee)ore, Big (hee hee) Broth-"

Here, the voice erupted into a giggling fit. And if Root didn't know better, he would have thought the giggle was very familiar…..

"Is that you, Mulch?"

The giggling fit stopped. "oops." Said the voice. There was a muffled conversation. Then the voice came back. But this time it sounded different. "Yes, Julius, it is-"

Commander Root could have yelled at Mulch about the 'Julius' thing. However, he was too busy being amused to do this. "Please explain."

The dwarf giggled again. "You see, these movie people, they just couldn't resist my natural charm and charisma so-"

Root had to interrupt. "Charm? Charisma? I find that hard to believe."

"There was also the fact that I might have possibly, accidentally….. Well, you remember when I got booted off the show? Actually, I suspect an error in the voting. How could the public of Haven possibly want me off the show?"

A growl emerged from Roots throat. "Get on with it."

"So, I burrowed under the stage. Unfortunatly, underneath the stage is the dressing room. Which just so happened to have, oh, about ten security gnomes just sitting on their well-trained behinds just waiting for someone to break in and the end result was… painful. Yet I managed to charm my way into getting a gig here and when this thing is over I think I'll go escape to Hawaii or somewhere relaxing. Oops. I shouldn't have said that."

But Root had sprung to his feet and was already talking into the communicater strapped to his wrist. "I have located rogue dwarf, Mulch Diggums-" He stopped. There was no communicater strapped to his wrist. "YOU LITTLE-"

Mulch nodded. "Yep. Couldn't have you communicating with the outside world." He put on his Big Brother voice. "and, Julius, the hot water will be activated when I feel like it. Don't tell anyone about me being big brother. That is all. You may leave."

Swearing under his breath, Root left.

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"Artemis, to the diary room."

Artemis stopped trying to determine if the painting on the wall was a fake and stepped into the diary room.

"Artemis."

"Greetings."

"As you may know, there is someone stealing dummy heads."

Artemis was offended. "I can assure you, Big Brother, that, as a genius, I have known for quite some time that someone is stealing dummy heads."

"I will assign you a mission. Do you accept this mission?"

"Yes." Artemis didn't know what was going on here. He suspected a conspiracy. But the best way to find out was to accept the mission.

"You must catch the person who is stealing the dummy heads IN THE ACT OF STEALING IT."

Artemis nodded. There was no one better to catch a thief than a thief. And Artemis was quite possibly the best thief in the world.

"You may leave."

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It was day two of the housemates stay in the house. Foaly had three more days to hide two dummy heads. He decided it would be good to hide one today. He got up bright and early to find Artemis Fowl sitting in a chair, meditating. Maybe if he just crept past…… Foaly tip toed past Artemis. Unfortunately, due to the fact centaur hooves are not made for tip toeing, he ended up clip-clopping and Artemis was jerked from his concentration.

"Foaly. What brings you to this part of the house?"

"I'm….. going to the toilet." The centaur fibbed. Artemis looked amused.

"The toilet is that way." He pointed. Foaly scowled. The Irish kid was right!

"You're right."

Artemis nodded. "I usually am."

Foaly grinned. "I'll watch out for scary heads in the toilets!" And with that, he was gone, not even sparing a second to see Artemis's disgruntled face.

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Butler was pumping iron, Holly was cycling and Root was doing chin-ups on a bar when Foaly came out.

"What is this? A We-are-all-liscenced-to-kill fitness session?" He asked.

"Oh, haha, Foaly." Root panted.

"You should try exercising something other than your fingers on a computer keyboard sometime, you know. And so should Artemis. It would stop me having to save his life all the time." Holly pointed out.

Foaly grimaced at this suggestion but could never pass up a chance to tease someone who acted superior. "Yo, Arty! Come on out here!"

Artemis slunk out the door, blinking in the sun. "What is it?"

"Wanna try cycling?" Offered Holly.

Artemis shrugged. "Why?"

Butler smiled gently. "Maybe this is a time you should try exercising. It would certainly make my job a lot easier."

Artemis considered it. It was true, Butler had pulled him out of many scrapes. But he couldn't be expected to be good at everything. He reluctantly agreed. While Butler showed him how to pedal on a bike, Foaly jumped in the pool.

"This is a variation of dog paddle, developed by Hector Ogglevb in 240, it was declared an event in the Centaurian Olympics in 1008 and eventually evolved to this stroke, commonly known as-"

"Foaly. Do we care?" The problem with Foaly, Holly thought, is that if he knew something, he thought everyone else should know it, too.

Foaly was wounded. He jumped out of the pool.

"I'll go somewhere where I am appreciated!" Foaly yelled, and went back inside to eat a few more carrots.

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Their teasing was not the only reason Foaly left. Now was the perfect opportunity for him to hide a doll head. He picked Holly's, for what she had said to him earlier, and looked for a place to hide it. Not the refrigerator, that was too obvious. In the end he decided on the freezer. All that was in there were a couple of ice-blocks and a tub of coconut flavoured ice cream. And who was going to eat that?

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Artemis, once he understood the workings of the cycling mechanism, started cycling. He got tired very quickly and the only reason he stayed on was that the machine had a little computer type thing that told you your heart beat, how far you'd cycled, etc. Eventually, after 500m, he decided he'd had enough exercise for the week and went inside. Foaly was in the kitchen, nothing strange about that. Artemis glanced over at the dummies he was supposed to protect. Two of the heads were missing! One, Commander Roots, was still in the toilet but the other? Artemis bent down, crawling behind a sofa. He would ruin his suit but he wanted to know what Foaly was doing.

"Won't you take me to/ Funky Town!" Foaly sang, placing a head in the freezer, "Won't you take me to/ Fuuuunky Towwwwwwwn!"

"Aha!" Said Artemis, stepping in a way he thought would make him look impressive from behind the sofa. The tip of one of his loafers caught the edge of the carpet and he tripped over. "I caught yo- Aaah!"

Foaly hid the head behind his back and assumed an innocent expression. "I was looking for some….. coconut ice cream and I found this and I was putting it…. Somewhere and-"

If Artemis had handcuffs and was strong enough to use them he would have snapped the around Foaly's wrists at that time. "I think we should go visit Big Brother."

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"So the genius kid caught the annoying genius." Big Brothers said to them. "Not that the genius kid isn't annoying as well but…."

Artemis frowned, putting pieces together. "Is that….."

"Mulch Diggums?" Finished Foaly.

There was a thump. It sounded like someone had just been slapped across the head. "Oow! Yes it's me. But, no matter. You guys are out of the house!"

"WHAT?" Artemis and Foaly said in unison.

"I think we should bring the other housemates in here and explain stuff to them."

"Yeah," Foaly said. "And while you're at it, why don't you get someone who knows what they're talking about to explain it to us?"

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Holly was still trying to get her head around it. "So Mulch was Big Brother all this time? And Foaly was hiding the heads?"

"Yep!" Mulch said perkily. "Now, if you could just pack you bags and get out of here, I'll wait for the next lot of house mates to come." A muffled voice informed them all that Mulch had been fired. There was the sound of a fight then the unmistakable noise of...

"Dwarf Gas" Butler grimaced. He remembered that sound well….

A com screen was lowered down from the screen. It was Don Eferk.

"So, contestants, this has been an interesting round! You will soon be leaving and will arrive in the studio in a few days. Until then, goodbye! Don't forget to vote!"

And with that, he was gone, leaving the contestants to imagine what horrors they would encounter in the next round.

AUTHORS NOTE:

This has taken me two weeks to write! And it sucks! But, please don't forget to vote! I must go eat lunch now but VOTE AND REVIEW OTHERWISE I WILL START TO SEE PURPLE MONKEYS EVERYWHERE! You alone can save me from insanity! Seeya!