Aunt Sweeney Chapter7: Sarah's problem.
Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!
I,
uh, have a crush on a killer. Well, let's pretend he's, uh, a
fictional character, which he obviously isn't. This fictional
character likes killing people. A lot. And he has crazy hair. Anyway,
he has a lot of, erm, dead bodies left over, this fictional
character, hypothetically speaking, of course.
What can I do with
the dead bodies and how can I ensure that I'm not his next, er,
hypothetically speaking victim?
Sarah
Sweeney's reply: O.O Creepy girl…creepy girl… Has anyone else got déjà vu?
Mrs Lovett's reply: Hmm… I really don't know what to say. Here's a li'l tip: went he gets that 'semi sane' look in his eye and starts with the omega, stay away from fire.
Anthony's reply: I'm glad I don't know any serial killers; I like cereal. Especially Special K, I'm trying to drop 2 dress sizes.
(Everybody: o.0)
Johanna's reply: You should try baking them into pies! After all, human flesh tastes like pork, so who'll know the difference?
(Everyone: 0.o
Toby: COOL
Jo: I know! It was in this movie I saw. Cool movie, but I can't remember what it was called. I do remember this one guy, he kept going 'omg, I love your yellow 'air!' and I kept thinking 'hehehe, if Anthony called my hair yellow, I'd knock him out. It's blond, honey!')
Judge Turpin's reply: Pah, don't be silly. This is such an unlikely scenario… hahaha. Probably couldn't happen to anyone.
Beadle Bamford's reply: Hey… am I the only one who's noticed we don't have any boys sending in problems? Come on! I want some man problems!
(Jo: are you hinting that girls don't have good enough problems?
Beadle B: Um… no…
Jo: Hey, we are just as good as boys, you pervert!
Beadle B: Look, as far as I'm concerned, girls are just pairs of watermelons on legs.
Jo: See! This is why I don't like men!
Beadle B: …
Jo: What? Shocked? Yes, I am a lesbian!
Beadle B: …
Anthony: …
Beadle B: …
Anthony: Um… Johanna… you know I'm a guy, right?
Jo: -fingers in ear holes- IMNOTLISTENINGIMNOTLISTENINGIMNOTLISTENING…LALALALALALALALALALALALA!
Lucy's reply: You'll be ok, I'm sure. After all, if you love the so much man, he must love you back (…a little bit, at least). So, in theory, he wouldn't hurt you, would he? And if he would, call the police. The second he uses any violence, you're not safe. Ok, honey? And, as for the bodies, make sure he stops killing people, ok? It's not nice. So make him happy, but if he continues to use violence with anyone at all, leave him. For the bodies you already have, chuck them in a dark alleyway. Everybody does it.
(Mrs L: …
Lucy: What?
Mrs L: aren't you supposed to be mad?
Lucy: Moo.
Mrs L: That's better!
Pirelli's reply: Ok, I would like to point out that my moustache still hasn't grown back and I need to draw it on every morning with a marker pen (at least no one can tell the difference). I've also been killed four and a half times. What is this, a cartoon? Why does everyone kill Pirelli?
(Jo: You were killed four and a half times? Who'd you piss off that much?
Pirelli: Beaten half to death with a kettle, had my throat slit by Sweeney, got the chop a la Bella, then Toby shot me twice, in two different chapters. Who the hell gave him a gun?!
Toby's
reply: Nothing's gonna harm you, not
while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm
around.
Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,
I'll send 'em
dead,
I don't care, I've got a gun…
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