A/N
So – here is my Christmas gift to you all : )
With special thanks to Fr333bird who is really the most sweet and awesome beta ever :) And to Im_not_a_lizard(rhythm junkie) for all the help and all the amazing words she has for me.
Picspiration for this chapter: bit(dot)ly/srCc4e
7. The End
They've not spoken about Jasper's little meltdown moment. After some immeasurable amount of time Jasper just stood up, very ashamed, brushed his hair back and left. He went for a walk, at a surprisingly calm pace, sat down on the frozen grass in a nearby park and started watching a mother and a kid feeding bread to some ducks on a pond.
What a mess, Jasper ponders, as he sits in the park. He has no idea what to do with Edward, what to think of Edward. This boy keeps pushing him, evoking emotions within Jasper that Jasper cannot even put a name to. And that pisses Jasper off – after all he's the master of emotions and should know what he himself is feeling. He must admit that he relishes the memory of Edward's touch when they were lying on the floor, lost in the moment, their cocks pressed tight to each other. But he also remembers the comfort of Edward's soft, warm fingers threading gently Jasper's hair when he was soothing him. Jasper knows that he shouldn't have allowed this and that he'll have to pay for it – because there is no way in the world the thing between them is going to end well. He's already run a thousand scenarios in his head and none of them has a good outcome.
When the park closes for the night Jasper is no nearer to a solution than he was when he walked out of the room. So he decides to wander about a little more. He walks to the pier, and watches the faraway lights of ships on the sea. He decides to stay out for a while longer, so he hides in the docks for the day and walks home only when it's dark again. But he can't force himself to go up the stairs and instead he waits under the building until it's almost dawn.
When he finally enters the room Edward's sleeping – quite peacefully this time. Jasper lets him be, just sits and stares at the boy as he's got nothing else to do. Jasper enjoys this view and doesn't want it to vanish. Edward's hair is much longer than it was when Jasper first saw him, and his skin is very pale, almost matching Jasper's skin color. Edward's lips are chapped, and slightly parted, but Jasper kind of loves them the way they are. He recalls how it was to feel them underneath his own and wishes he could really kiss Edward someday, perhaps. He chastises himself internally for indulging in silly wishes and stands up to pace the room nervously.
His movement must have woken Edward up. But he remains curled up on the bed, lying with his face to the wall. Jasper doesn't want to disturb him so he tries to occupy himself with a little bit of silent tidying up. At first he can't tell what's wrong – he just has a feeling of unease. And then he gets it – the complete lack of new empty food boxes.
Jasper crouches next to Edward and places his hand on Edward's shoulder, pushing a little to make Edward turn to face him. He looks closely at the boy and notices that Edward is even skinnier than he used to be when they first met.
"When was the last time you ate something?" Jasper asks, really concerned.
"Um, I think… yesterday?" Edward answers, not meeting Jasper's gaze.
"No." Jasper disagrees. "Tell me it wasn't that coffee shop meal, was it?" Maybe it isn't such a big deal really, but Jasper is oversensitive when it comes to hunger. He tries to feed regularly to prevent himself from slips that are much worse than planned hunting.
"I'll bring you something. What would you like?" he asks, but Edward just shrugs, once again leaving Jasper with the impossible task of making a decision about something that he knows nothing about.
"***"
"Did you know it's Christmas today?" Jasper asks Edward when he returns. "I've brought you something. I thought we could… you know, have Christmas?" he finishes sheepishly, ashamed of the hope in his voice. Edward must have caught it because he makes an effort and gets up off the mattress, smiling. Wow, Jasper thinks, glad he made Edward react.
"Sure," Edward says and hi smile widens. "What've you got?"
Jasper almost jumps up from the excitement, he feels like he's four years old or something.
"Well, I didn't know what you'd like so I bought a bit of everything…" He motions to the bag. "And a bottle of wine."
Edward walks toward Jasper, takes the bag out of his hands and peeks inside.
"M&Ms?" Edward laughs. He takes out the package followed by a few tangerines and oranges, a dark chocolate bar, fruit salad in a plastic container, a box of ice cream, two croissants and an eggplant.
"An eggplant?" He quirks his eyebrows at Jasper.
"What? The color's nice." Jasper chuckles.
"Yes. Okay, let's make a feast." Edward places few items on the floor next to the mattress. "What about you?"
"I'll watch you," Jasper says and sits on the mattress, leaning against the wall and beaming.
Edward opens up a tangerine and offers it to Jasper. "Smell it. Tangerines smell like Christmas to me." He smiles expectantly.
"I don't remember," Jasper admits.
"Nothing at all?"
"No, not nothing, but my human memories fade in time. I remember… some lights, smells – yes - but not tangerines… something different, cornbread?"
"Yeah, could be," Edward confirms. "You're from the South, yes?"
Jasper nods. "I think I remember my mom and my sisters. I never had Christmas after…"
"Sorry," Edward offers, reaching for the wine.
"It's okay. Here, let me." Jasper takes the wine and opens it with his fingertips.
"Handy vampire." Edward chuckles as he takes back the bottle, filling a plastic cup with wine. "Cheers, Jasper. Thank you."
"For what?"
"You know," Edward makes a motion with his hand, spilling a bit of the wine on the floor in the process. "Keeping me here. Everything."
Jasper doesn't respond because he's not sure what he should say. Instead he asks Edward about his Christmas.
"Me and my parents, mostly. When I was little – grandparents. Christmas tree and all that…"
Because Edward doesn't elaborate anymore Jasper risks a question. "What happened to you?"
For a very long moment Edward is silent and Jasper thinks he won't answer, but then Edward asks, "Have you ever felt really bad about someone's death?"
"I feel for all of them. Most of them," Jasper corrects himself because sometimes he believes he does the world a favor by taking someone out of it.
"But, I mean, have you ever felt that this particular person shouldn't have died?" Edward pries.
Jasper is not so happy with the turn of this conversation. It brings his mind back to the cab driver. "Fuck, Edward. Yes, so many times I can't count. Like the guy I just did." He falls silent for a moment and then decides to tell Edward about the girl.
"There was this girl… I walked into a diner to look for someone to take with me and there she was, sitting on a stool - a little girl with dark hair, sticking in every possible direction. She jumped out of her seat and approached me, saying she's been waiting for me. She told me that her name was Alice and that she was my destiny. She took my hand and led me out of the place, telling me I needed to change her and that she would be my mate. She promised she would stay with me forever."
"What happened?" Edward whispers, anxious.
"I tried. I believed her, even though she must have been a lunatic, I really believed her. There was something about her…" Jasper shrugs. "Anyway, I didn't stop in time. Maybe I should have fed before, maybe I'm just not able to do it, I don't know." Jasper would really like to finish now, but despite himself he adds, "She wasn't surprised. Nor scared. She took it like it was meant to be. She even held my hand like she was calming me down." He sighs deeply. "Maybe in a different universe we would have a chance. Fuck it. I can't think about it." He looks down at the floor and clenches his teeth, willing himself to push the memory out of his head and calm down.
Edward doesn't respond, but then, maybe in exchange for Jasper's confession, he decides to share.
"Someone died because of me," he admits.
Oh, that's something unexpected, Jasper thinks, thrilled that Edward is finally talking.
"How?"
"It was my night duty. I should have paid attention, but was caught up, fucking the doctor who was supposed to be my mentor. The girl died because no one noticed that her blood pressure dropped after the IV she was given. My… he had to face the commission, it was his patient. But it was my fault. My parents didn't want to know me after that – the doctor was my father's friend way back from college, he had a wife and kids. No more medical studies for me. She shouldn't have died. It's like I killed her."
"I'm sorry," Jasper says quietly. And after a moment a realization dawns on him. "Do you feel responsible for the muffin girl too?"
"Muffin girl?"
"You know - her. This girl I did while you were watching."
"Yes." Edward says it really quietly but there is certainty in his tone.
"But you know I'd have done it without you here anyway? That there was nothing you could have done to prevent it?"
Edward just shakes his head. "No, I could have saved her, too."
Jasper doesn't know what to say, how to make Edward see that he's not to blame for either of these deaths. But he really doesn't want to leave it just like that, so he concentrates hard and envelops Edward in a blanket of calmness - with a hint of Christmas excitement.
After that they chat lightly about Christmas movies – because Jasper has actually seen some of those. And time just passes by, unnoticed. Long after Edward has eaten all the sweets, drunk a bit of the wine and fallen asleep with orange skins still in his hand, Jasper sits back and sings 'White Christmas' to him because this is one of a few songs he knows.
"***"
Jasper hoped their evening of sharing would do Edward some good, but after Christmas it all goes to hell once again. Edward must have caught a cold or even flu, and now he doesn't get up at all from the mattress. He lies hidden under the blankets, feverish and shivering. At first Jasper ignores it – people catch colds all the time, right? But after two more days, when Edward just lies there, pretty much unresponsive and still running a fever, Jasper starts to worry. He places his hand on Edward's cheek, trying to tell whether it's really hot. Edward opens his eyes but doesn't look at Jasper.
This is wrong, this is so wrong, Jasper thinks, trying to understand Edward's emotions. He thought everything was going the right way, he can't see the moment when it all slipped through his hands again.
Jasper runs to the nearest Starbucks and comes back with some tea. He presses the cup of hot liquid into Edward's hands. But he doesn't wrap his fingers around it and Jasper places it, resigned, next to him on the floor.
"Edward, you're sick. I've got to get you some help," Jasper says.
"It's just a cold," Edward responds, still not looking at Jasper.
"I'm not talking about this."
They're very quiet and Jasper feels the emotions building up in Edward and he knows that this is it – there's no turning back.
"Can you take this away?" Edward asks softly. And Jasper knows he's not able to deny this boy anything, even if it means that it all ends here.
So he answers simply, "Yes."
"Will it hurt?"
"I'll make it good for you," Jasper promises.
He silently says goodbye to the boy and buries down in him whatever hopes he's ever had. This shouldn't be a surprise – he knew it was coming from the very first moment he saw Edward in the club.
"Close your eyes," Jasper says, placing his hand on Edward's forehead, brushing his hair away. "Just... feel."
Jasper gives Edward all he has in him. Not the usual stuff - not lust or desire, but first the calmness - as much as he can until he feels Edward relaxing. His limbs lose their tightness and Edward sighs and sinks down on the bed as if he's melting.
Then Jasper gradually adds warm emotions - all the ones that people feel while looking with fondness at little smiling babies. But this is still not enough. So Jasper moves to elation, pushes into Edward all he knows about the post-orgasmic state of people who are in love. He hasn't felt it himself - at least not in this life - but he's experienced it in others' emotions.
He envisions gentle light and pure sounds and clear water, molds it together, allows it to grow in him as he adds more and more of longing, caring. And yes – now he mixes it with desire and orgasmic high as well. It feels to him like a giant ball of hot light. Jasper releases the feeling and it hits Edward with force.
This is what pure ecstasy should be like, Jasper thinks, like in old religions. He's heard of it, he's read about it, but he didn't think he'd ever experience it. However - here he is - with Edward lying next to him, breathless, and it looks like the boy is shining too, like his skin is made of light while Jasper places his hands on Edward's chest, leaning down.
He hesitates once more, his lips touching Edward's neck. Edward is too far gone to notice anything. And then Jasper takes a long, deep breath and his teeth cut the skin.
END OF PART 1
A/N
In case this chapter title makes you you look around searching for pitchforks please put them away! We are NOT done. I'll post the next chapter as soon as I can. If you feel in desperate need of a teaser/spoiler, let me know, I'll try to help ;)
Merry Christmas to all the readers and reviewers. Thank you so much! You are the greatest gift to me!