A/N: I don't know how many of you saw, but I made a note in the summary that this fic was discontinued. (It's since been removed.) I don't know why, but I just got into this depressive feeling that the story was dumb and I was bored with it. I'm over it now, though. And don't worry, something like that won't happen again. I just get into weird moods like this for some reason. I'm back, and it's time to continue the story. I'm genuinely having fun again. Guess I just need to recharge my batteries every now and then. I've got some crazy stuff going on IRL, so you'll have to bear with me if I'm updating a bit slow. Forcing myself to write more chapters when I'm not ready is a good way to burn out. It takes a lot of my emotional energy to write these. You have no idea how exhausting it can be to put yourself in the place of angsty characters who are existentially-challenged like this. The next few chapters will only get even more emotionally intense. (But it *will* be worth it, I promise!)
Enjoy!
The club was a sensory overload. There was simply no other way for Shepard to describe it, even though doing so was probably the understatement of the century.
A wall of sound oscillated back and forth through the crammed confines of the area, synthetic instruments pounding out an electronic rhythm of cathartic ecstasy. Bright, multicolored lights and other visual holographic affects flickered in the air, creating the illusion that this was a vibrant, neon paradise; an image that was only complemented by the writhing bodies of erotic dancers and nightlife enthusiasts alike. The smell of sweaty bodies blended seamlessly with the scents of alcohol, tobacco, cigarettes, and other less-easily defined (but mostly legal) drugs.
In short, it was a playground for the numb.
That was why Shepard had picked this specific club for the Normandy ground team's night out together. Despite his typical dour and stoic demeanor, the commander actually enjoyed places such as these quite a lot. The relentless, merciless stimulation of one's senses that pervaded them were the perfect remedy for a brooding soul. They offered a much-needed relief from the treasonous introspection and traumatic memories that tortured his mind.
Looking around, Shepard could see the same emotion in other patrons' eyes. All were there for one reason: distraction. Few needed it as desperately as he did, though. Still, everyone had their problems and needed a safe venue to vent them, no matter how big or small they were.
If there were any group of people to which this assessment applied more than the combat crew of the Normandy, Shepard would have been utterly shocked. Sweeping his gaze back and forth across the standing table around which said crew was arranged, Shepard took a mental inventory of the situation.
His eyes fell on Tali first, as they always seemed to whenever she was in the room. Here was a young, inexperienced, lonely quarian girl away from her people on a perilous quest to save the galaxy. Moreover, she had bravely volunteered for this mission after losing everything and seeing her fellow people slaughtered like livestock at the hands of uncaring monsters. Not to mention the fact that, as a quarian, she was cursed to an uncomfortable life of physical isolation, heightened risk, and extreme prejudice to begin with. It was as if some cruel god had decided to combine every unfortunate circumstance that it could into one person. Yet, throughout it all, she somehow maintained an impressively cheerful and energetic attitude.
Next was Garrus. Although the idealistic turian ex-cop had lived a life of relative safety and success, he was still psychologically tormented. It had become clear from he and Shepard's frequent talks that the former empathized deeply with the plight of those who were victimized by criminals. Garrus' passion for justice clearly consumed his mind, the evils of the world burdening his soul by proxy, if not by direct misfortune. The man could never truly be happy unless he was doing the absolute best he could to conquer evil wherever it was found. Even then…Shepard wasn't entirely sure. Protecting those who could not protect themselves was an unending path fraught with a lack of gratitude and personal reward. Even so, it was the path that, nonetheless, laid in Garrus' future.
Following the curve of the table in a bent line, Shepard saw Kaiden next. The man was a bit standoffish and mysterious, but the truth of his condition was evident. The tragedies of being an early biotic, of the twisted BAT program, haunted him still. They echoed from his past to his present like the lingering aftereffects of a physical wound. Not to mention the fact that Kaiden frequently found himself in extreme physical pain from the primitive implants that had been savagely implanted in his body by a selfish government seeking to empower themselves at the cost of others. The sentinel needed this night's indulgence in vices even if he didn't consciously know it.
Wrex was much the same as Kaiden, only exaggerated to a much more extreme degree. The krogan battlemaster-turned-bounty-hunter had seen far more violence and death than even Shepard had. He had been forced to kill his own father in self-defense, evidence of a cancerous genophage-symptom that ravaged the krogan people. While it was true that Wrex outwardly craved the thrill of combat (which was undeniably genuine to some extent), his gruff demeanor was proof of the numbness that infused him. Shepard knew from personal experience that such a problem was not one that could simply be "gotten over". This was especially true given the krogan's centuries-spanning lifetime. Yet despite all of that, Wrex did an admirable job of keeping his rage under control. A little assistance in the form of a wild night partying couldn't hurt, though.
Next was Ashley. Shepard really didn't know what to think of her, if he was being honest with himself. He and the lieutenant didn't exactly get along that well. This being the case, Shepard couldn't speak with any authority about the exact nature of her character. Being the only survivor of a geth attack had to leave some scars, though, he reasoned. The same was likely true of being the descendant of a disgraced military man. Not many people had to go through the things Ashley had. This much was certain.
Shepard peered at the final member of the lineup. Liara. Of everyone assembled here, her baggage had to be the most recent, and therefore, the most intense. A mere week ago, she had tenderly held her own mother in her arms as she died in Saren's perverse rachni labs on Noveria. Since then, the once-perky and bubbly archaeologist had been a woman severely depressed and withdrawn. Her recent reversal of state was, in fact, the impetus that had inspired Shepard to give his crew some much-needed shore leave. This night clubbing was for her more than anyone else, a futile attempt to help her forget and raise her spirits for a few hours. Failing that, it would at least serve as a distraction which lessened the pain.
As Shepard concluded his inner monologue, he realized that all eyes were on him. As usual, his new friends (or were they a family, now?) looked to the human spectre for guidance. Owning their respect and deference in such a way was truly humbling. He was still adjusting to the closeness that he felt with this strange, mostly-alien cadre, let alone the sensation of being their uncontested leader.
"I'm extremely glad you all decided to come," Shepard said, practically having to shout in order to compete with the throbbing, yet not entirely unpleasant music. "We need this. All of us. We've all been through our own hells, as well as those we've shared in pursuit of Saren. Some of us have suffered more than others," he went on, glancing at Liara, "…but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we're all here, now, in this moment. As strong of a team we are, as much as we can, and do, support each other, the time comes when we just need to cut loose. That means enjoy yourselves, captain's orders!"
As Shepard's brief speech concluded, he raised his shot glass of whiskey in a facsimile of a salute and downed it one gulp. The rest of the group did the same, giving their own little "here here" or "amen to that!" before gulping their own choice of alcohol.
The only one who seemed hesitant was Tali. She appeared unsure and indecisive, holding her shot glass of dextro liquor up to the sophisticated airlock-esque straw attached to the mouth portion of the helmet. She peered cautiously at the assembled crew as if gauging their behavior.
"Damn. That hits the spot," Garrus proclaimed. "It's so hard to get good turian brandy at a reasonable price. I could never afford it while I was with C-sec."
Wrex slammed his krogan-sized glass on the table, groaning loudly. "If you say so, Vakarian," he boomed. "The stuff they have here seems weak to me," he followed up, shrugging casually.
"I guess it would," Kaiden began, "if you had multiple redundant livers, wouldn't it?"
The massive krogan vanguard chuckled. "You got that right. Plus, I think I've probably burned out most of 'em. Got a real good tolerance after hundreds of years of drinking ryncol from barrels."
Almost everyone was chuckling and shaking their heads, save for Tali, who was looking around awkwardly and still hadn't drank. Even the silent and stone-faced Liara had beat her to it.
By this point, everyone had noticed. There was an awkward lull as everyone looked at her curiously.
"What's the matter?" Garrus asked, tapping her shoulder lightly. "I can promise you from personal experience that it's only slightly putrid. And it is dextro, so you probably won't keel over."
The table grinned and snickered at the turian's sarcastic humor.
"Oh, I'm not worried about that," Tali said, waving a hand. "It's just…"
"Come on," Ashley jeered playfully. "We're having a party. Just let loose for once and do it!"
"I…don't know," the quarian replied hesitantly. "Back on flotilla, we don't have the resources to synthesize alcohol. So, I haven't exactly…uh…drank before. At all."
"All the more reason to give it a go then, I guess," Kaiden replied. "Might as well enjoy it while you have the chance, you know? Man, I can't imagine not being able to have a nice glass of whiskey every once in a while…"
"I hear you there, Alenko," Shepard said, tersely pointing at Kaiden.
"Bah!" Wrex snorted, waving a dismissive hand. "Leave the poor girl alone. Besides, if she doesn't want it, Garrus can drink it. The kid's clearly a damn booze hound."
"Damnit, Wrex! I told you that in confidence!" the turian mock protested. This earned a few more chuckles.
"Just do it!" Ashley egged on once more.
Shepard restrained himself from rushing to Tali's defense like a white knight. He was curious what she would do, and he knew she was capable of fighting her own battles.
Tali eventually nodded, bringing the shot of turian brandy to the straw-thing. The liquid swiftly disappeared as she slurped it up all at once.
"Whoa…" Tali moaned, head swaying a bit. She let out a small coughing choke. "That tasted like fire."
Another burst of laughs.
"Lightweight," Ashley commented, signaling a server for another round.
"Yeah, seriously. You look half-drunk already!" Garrus teased.
"Oh, whatever, you bosh'tets," Tali said, swaying a bit. "It's not like I've had any practice before. And I'm easily the lightest and slimmest one here!"
Shepard found himself silently agreeing. She was slim. In fact, Tali probably had the perfect body shape and type for someone of her size, race, and gender. It had to be owed to that nutrient paste. Shepard had learned that it was artificially created to be as efficient and nutritious as possible, without resource-wasting additives like sugar and fat. If it wasn't, Tali couldn't possibly be so waifish, yet fit and curvy. In fact, Shepard would even go so far as to say she had the body of a supermodel. Most human women would kill to look like her, and most men had to be gay if they weren't turning their heads to look at her as she passed. Especially with those gorgeous hips and that sweet ass.
Shit. Why was he thinking thoughts like this? He wasn't supposed to be playing around with the idea of dating Tali. That included ogling her sexy body shape and dwelling on how attractive she was to him. It would best if he simply forgot about it.
"She's got a point," Kaiden said, interrupting Shepard's introspection.
"Just be careful," Wrex began, "and don't drink too much. I once saw a quarian get into a drinking contest with an asari. It wasn't pretty. The quarian puked his guts out and had to go to the hospital. This was before the suits. Something about alcohol weakening the immune system and making it so all his adjustment to the Citadel's germs was pointless."
"Thanks, Wrex. That was so assuring. I'm definitely not even more terrified of drinking," Tali deadpanned.
Garrus turned to her. "You know, you really don't need to worry. I'm sure that if you get sick or pass out, Shepard will carry you back to the Normandy. Not to mention put any bar jerks that harass you in the hospital."
All eyes were suddenly on the turian now. Kaiden was visibly cringing. The normally-dour Liara was smiling. Ashley made a face of puzzlement and Wrex's lip curled at Garrus.
Shepard was shooting daggers at him as well. The spectre heard the whispers aboard the ship that he and Tali were "involved". Or at least building up to it, like they were actually compatible or something. It was crazy to think about. Clearly, there were some clever provocateurs aboard the ship. Or well-meaning, but misinformed crew members. If only they knew the sad, one-sidedness of he and Tali's 'attraction'.
"What?" Garrus asked ignorantly.
He opened his mouth to talk again, but was cut off when a quarian's boot slammed into his foot, propelled by extra-strong legs. He did his best not to show the lance of pain that bolted up his body, merely covering up a grunt with a cough as he leaned over.
Still, it was obvious what had happened. Shepard's suspicions about Tali's feelings on him were confirmed. She was mortified by the idea that people thought there was something going on between them. Especially given the fact that she was wringing her hands and looking away in the interim of awkward silence.
Shepard didn't blame her. Who would want to be thought of as someone who couldn't get laid with someone of their own species? Or as someone who had such poor taste as to be into a grizzled, distant military veteran like himself?
Still, Garrus had gotten his punishment for being a blabbermouth. This being case, Shepard decided that the best thing to do was to brush it off and move on. Honing in on it would only draw attention to that which he would rather evade.
He released the turian from his withering stare and smiled. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not here to beat up jerks on my night off. I get enough of that out there on the missions, and would rather just have a good time tonight."
"Bah. It's not a party unless someone gets their nose broken. Or their legs," Wrex said.
Shepard chuckled, picking up his second shot after the asari dancer placed it in front of him. "You're a sick bastard, Wrex," he proclaimed, holding up the booze. "Here's to you."
"Here's to us," Kaiden interrupted before anyone could drink again. "We're an odd group, and we don't always get along. But none one's perfect, anyway, and I have a weird feeling that this is destiny."
"To us!" Garrus echoed.
"And the Normandy!" Tali toasted.
When the drinks disappeared again, Ashley leaned away from the table. "That's enough talking and sentimental crap. Let's get this party started!"
Shepard took a long drag from his fat cigar, savoring the taste of expensive tobacco, then blew out a steady grey stream into the air of the smoking lounge. He followed it up with a quick sip of whiskey from the tumbler on the chair's broad armrest. The two contradictory, yet complementary flavors mingled to create an exquisite bliss. The effects of both vices flushed his head with a mild, yet pleasant high.
It wasn't enough. The commander still felt as empty as ever inside. Not even one of his favorite pastimes could alleviate the ennui which plagued him. Not that he'd expected anything different.
What's wrong with me? Shepard asked himself mentally. What vital piece of my soul can I possibly be missing?
He knew the answer, at least subconsciously. Shepard just wouldn't admit it to himself. On some level, he was aware of this fact too, which was in turn repressed by his mind in a paradoxical cycle of self-denial. For what he wanted most was something he simply couldn't have. Why? Well, it was actually quite simple.
Having something meant you could lose it. Losing what one needed most was a worse fate than never having it again.
Shepard shook his head to help get these thoughts out of it. Instead of hyper-analyzing himself, he knew that he should be living in the moment, enjoying his drink and smoke. Yes…doing that was a lot simpler, wasn't it?
As the spectre continued to relax alone, he found his thoughts drifting to his team mates. The last time he'd seen Garrus, the man had been hitting on a female turian over by the bar. Wrex had gotten into a drinking contest with a batarian, which had, in turn, evolved into a situation where Wrex was the so-called 'champion of the bar' and took on whatever challengers thought they could beat him. Last Shepard knew, Wrex had already drank three people under the table. Liara…she'd slinked away a little early. Or so everyone guessed, at least, since she wasn't able to be located. Kaiden and Ashley had started dancing together, and were probably flirting at that very moment.
That left Tali. She had been dancing too, and quite well at that. Shepard was genuinely impressed with how lithe and graceful she was on the dance floor…a stark contrast to her usual shyness and meekness. Who would have guessed that the girl stuck in a suit would be such an expert dancer that she could put asari to shame?
This fact had been why Shepard suddenly needed to walk away from the group and have a smoke in the lounge. Tali was good-looking to him as it was, but when she was really showing off in a display like that? Well, 'mesmerizing' would not have been a strong enough word for it.
She'd tantalized him with what he couldn't have, and it had made him very angry. Not at her, of course. Not even angry at himself. Angry at…well, the world, Shepard supposed. A world where someone like him could be so utterly damaged that they couldn't accept happiness ever again.
Truth be told, Shepard did feel a little bad about just leaving her alone like that. The girl had been pretty drunk at that point, and everyone else had seemed too busy with their own things to pay much attention to her. Still, it was probably the better call. Besides, Tali could easily ping his omni-tool if she needed help with an anti-quarian patron or a creep with wandering hands.
"Speak of the devil," Shepard said wryly, checking his flashing omni-tool. It seemed Tali had called him for some reason.
"Tali?"
"Shep…Sheparrrrrdddd…" came the listless voice of the petite quarian.
"Are you okay?" he asked with concern lacing his tone.
"Yeah. Yes. I mean…I think, I think so. I'm a little, uh, drunk, though. Yeah. And I'm not used to the, I mean, used to the, well, it. The liquor, I mean. It's doing funny things to my head…"
"Where are you?" Shepard asked, a genuine smile coming to his face. It both amused and terrified him how much of a sudden reversal in mood he got just from hearing her voice like that.
"Oh, sorry. I was, um, rambling again. But I'm in the club, looking for…looking for you," her voice echoed over the comm channel. "No one knows where you are? I mean, Keelah. Why's, why's that? I've been looking all over for you. You know, asking 'where's Shepard!' and all kinds of stupid things like that. Because I'm…rambling again."
Shepard chuckled. "It's fine, Tali. Go wait by the bar and I'll come find you."
"Are you…okay….sure, I'm going now. Whoa…"
Shepard ended the call and snuffed the small stump of cigar out. Then he downed the whiskey in one gulp strode out of the longue, seeking the bar. His head tingled just a little bit, as if he was heavily buzzed, but not drunk, despite the copious amounts of alcohol he'd consumed with the other Normandy males.
It wasn't long before he had walked back into the cacophony of visuals and audio that existed in the main room of the club. Once there, he easily spotted Tali waiting for him. (She did manage to stick out quite a bit in most situations, after all). The quarian engineer was slightly slumped over and stood on shaky feet.
"Hey! Shepard!" she yelled over the booming music when she saw him. "There you are. I've been looking all over…wait. I told you that. Already. Oops."
Shepard's smile grew even wider from seeing her, the emptiness from before temporarily fading into nothingness. It was partially from her unabashed cuteness while intoxicated, and partially from feelings he wouldn't dare quantify.
"Yeah, don't worry, I'm here," he said reassuringly, lightly pulling her by the hand.
"Yeah you are…" Tali drunkenly observed, letting herself be gently dragged along. "Where are we, where are we going?"
"Over by the wall, where it's quieter," the spectre explained.
"Smarrrttttt," Tali said near-unintelligibly.
"So, what do you need, Tali? Why were you looking for me?" Shepard asked.
Tali seemed to visibly tense. "Well…" she began, looking down nervously. "I guess I just…"
A loud boom accompanied by wild flashes of neon interrupted her. Tali kept speaking over the next track of music, the glowing light on her helmet's mouth piece flickering as usual, but Shepard couldn't make out a word of it.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU," Shepard attempted to yell over the obtrusive noise.
Tali shrugged. Then she bounced with excitement as if she had just figured out something profound. She began typing away at the haptic interface of her glowing orange omni-tool. Her fingers slipped several times, fumbling with the keys in her drunkenness. Eventually, she seemed satisfied and turned the tool off.
"Is this better? Tali's translated voice spoke directly into Shepard's ear. She was transmitting directly over his micro-translator, somehow.
"Yeah, actually. You're crystal clear. How did you do that?"
"I hacked it. The…thing," Tali replied. "Not that, that hard. When you know."
"Wow, I didn't even know they could function as comm devices," Shepard said.
Tali shrugged again. "Anything can, if it has audio output. Just takes…what's it called?"
"Genius," Shepard supplied. "Wait a minute…how can you hear me?"
"I can't," Tali said. "I learned how to read…how to…read human lips."
Shepard gawked. "What? How is that..."
"Possible?" Tali finished, giggling sweetly. "You said it yourself."
Shepard shook his head in amazement. "Damn. I wish I had a mind like yours, Tali. Really. It would make a lot of things so much easier."
"Oh…thank you. I'm not…I mean I don't…" she fumbled, trying to find a way to dodge the complement as usual. Failing miserably at it, she decided to change the topic instead. "Anyway, I hope you don't mind. I hear everyone that way. I wouldn't mind you getting into my suit like that, but I feel bad for getting into yours, so-to-speak."
A hand shot over the mouth part of her helmet when she realized what she'd said in trying to communicate the clumsy metaphor. "Er...I, uh, Keelah! I didn't mean it like that, Shepard, I promise. I…" she stuttered in a blind panic.
Shepard was just laughing and shaking his head. The universe had a cruel sense of irony. There was no way that had been a simple Freudian slip. Plus, it was just hilarious on the face of it.
"That's alright, Tali. I knew what you meant and didn't think it was…like that."
"Oh…" Tali said a little dejectedly. For the life of him, Shepard couldn't understand why. He'd just told her it was cool, hadn't he?
"So, do you need to get out of here?" Shepard asked. "You seem pretty drunk."
Tali nodded. "Yeah. At least, I think I might. I don't know. I guess that's…that's partially why I was looking for you. I've never been…so I don't know what to do."
Shepard laughed. "Water, food, and rest. In that order. Trust me."
"Oh. I guess that makes sense," Tali said. "I should probably grab something to eat, then. I'm starving anyway."
Shepard raised an eyebrow. "Alone?"
"Yeah," Tali said, nodding. "Unless you…want to…"
"I won't impose, Tali. But frankly, based on what I've seen, a quarian shouldn't be walking around alone on the Citadel. Especially drunk." Shepard's justification for going with her rang hollow on his hears. While his argument was valid, it wasn't the real reason he wanted to go with her. "Besides, I could go for a nice steak. Perfect way to close out a night like this."
"You'd…um, well, yeah. That'd be great, Shepard."
"Good. I'll message everyone else, and then we'll go," the commander replied cheerfully. It was odd hearing himself sound like that, as if a different person had suddenly jumped into his body.
Soon, the duo was exiting the club, Tali leaning heavily on Shepard for support. "Thanks for doing this. I appreciate it. Keelah, you have no idea how scary things would be without you."
"I know what you mean. It's bullshit that your species gets treated so badly. Just try not to think about what would've happened if you hadn't joined up. Thinking that way is useless. A wise man told me that once."
Tali nodded. "You're right. It's just that I hate feeling so…dependent."
Shepard nodded. "That's also understandable. For what it's worth, I think you could take care of anyone who gave you trouble. Now, the legal consequences, on the other hand…" Shepard shook his head as he trailed off. "Look, it's not your fault. Don't feel bad about it."
There was long pause. Then, a little sniff came from Tali.
"You alright?" he asked.
"Yeah. Just my nose running a bit. Side effect of the stupid anti-nausea medication. My suit probably thought the alcohol was a toxin and tried to protect me from throwing up because throwing up is just about the worst thing…" Tali rattled off. "Right. Rambling."
"You're fine. I actually like it when you do that. You're always telling me something interesting that I didn't know." A lie. Shepard was aware that he simply loved hearing her sultry voice. "Anyway…where do you want to go?"
"You know," Tali said, ponderously tapping her chin. "You said you wanted a steak, right? Well, I keep hearing about this certain kind of turian meat dish, and how quarians love it so much. I've always wanted to get that, just never had the money. Now that I do, though…there's dextro-levo grill nearby that has it."
"That sounds fucking amazing," Shepard said, practically salivating over the mere idea of a nice ribeye. "I'm in. Lead the way!"
Shepard once again held Tali slightly against him as they walked. For the whole trip, he tried not to think about how good it felt to have her in close contact with him, even though it was through a suit.
He failed miserably.
"Wow, Shepard. I can't believe we just did that," Tali moaned, sinking heavily into the presidium bench.
"Yeah," Shepard grinned, "I know. Those steaks were huge!"
"I've never been so stuffed," Tali said, patting her stomach. "Or tasted something so delicious. Just thinking about it is making my taste buds tingle, like it's still on my tongue…"
Shepard laughed. "Same here. Glad you enjoyed it."
"You bet I did. And I feel a lot more sober, too. Alcohol is fun, but it was a little much."
Shepard nodded. "That's fair enough, I suppose."
There was a moment of silence as both quarian and human starred out at the presidium's center strip of water, which was presently illuminated by the soft, orange-and-gold glow of a simulated sunset. It made for quite a sight.
"It's beautiful," Tali observed. "I guess I've never really seen a sunset before, except in vids. Not even a fake one like this."
"Yeah. It's pretty amazing," Shepard replied. "In fact, it's one of the things I miss the most about living planetside."
A curious thought struck Tali. She turned to face her companion. "Shepard…I don't think I've ever heard you talk about your childhood on the colonies. I've told you a lot about my childhood and parents, but I know almost nothing about yours."
Shepard gave a deep sigh and rubbed his face. "I…don't really want to talk about it, Tali. Maybe some other time."
The way he'd said it, Tali knew Shepard hadn't meant that he'd really tell her. It was clearly a sensitive subject for him. She didn't know what could possibly be so bad, him being a guy that clearly lived a charmed life. He was good looking, a total badass, accomplished, respected, feared, etc.
Still, she didn't press the issue. Privacy mattered a lot to her people, so the last thing Tali wanted to do was infringe on his. For now, she'd just have to push her empathy for him to the side. It's not like he really wanted or needed it anyway.
There was something that she had to say, though. It was building up inside of her like a tidal wave, a hurricane of bottled emotion that demanded release and ignored the protests of her logical side. As the words touched her lips, she instantly regretted them.
"Shepard…I just have to say that this has been an amazing night."
"Nice. That's good to hear. It was the goal of this evening, after all. All of you guys are phenomenal teammates. You deserve these kinds of perks for all your hard work," Shepard answered. "The Alliance loves to hammer home the idea of negative reinforcement. I don't buy into that shit, though. I believe in rewarding people who make sacrifices and take extreme risks for the good of others, rather than instilling loyalty through terror and punishments."
Tali found herself nodding her head, agreeing wholeheartedly. His words didn't make her feel good, however. Shepard had taken what she'd said in a very literal, plutonic sense. He was responding to her as the captain of the Normandy, and not as someone who shared a close emotional bond with her. True, they considered themselves good friends. Evidently, that didn't stop Shepard from unknowingly (or perhaps even knowingly) shutting her down.
The Commander was like an emotional black hole, Tali realized. An intriguing, yet distant force that you couldn't help being simultaneously drawn to out of curiosity and repelled by it's harshness.
Perhaps it was better this way. He obviously didn't regard her the same way as she did him. No matter. Either the point of her words had gone over his head completely, or he had pretended that they had. In any case, it was therefore better to move on as if nothing had happened.
A pang of intense sadness came over Tali as she considered this. If she couldn't outright tell him how she felt, then she could at least covertly speak about it from another angle.
Tali chuckled out loud.
"What's so funny?" Shepard asked, smiling a bit. Her laughter was immediately infectious to him, despite his best attempts to wall off his mind like a fortress of steel.
"Nothing," Tali stated cheerfully. An obvious lie. "It's just that, well, here we are. A quarian and a human. An awkward, nerdy young woman on pilgrimage and a famous Commander who is also the first human spectre. Who would have thought that people like the two of us would be hanging out, having steaks and watching the sunset? It's like something from one of those cliché vids."
Shepard couldn't stop the laughter from bubbling out of his throat, despite himself. "Yeah," he said, smirking, "it is pretty silly when you really think about it."
"I know, right?" Tali said, shaking her head animatedly. "I mean, our species have almost nothing in common other than phenotypical similarities. We evolved Keelah-knows-how-many light years away from one another, and out cultures are nothing alike. And you're supposed to hate me for being a quarian. Not to mention that I shouldn't even be here, on this mission with you right now."
Shepard's chuckling continued, then eventually died down. "The universe has a weird sense of humor."
"That's so true," Tali said with half awe, half dejection. "Take the way we met, for example. What a crazy thing that was. Who would've thought that we'd become good friends from it?"
"Hell, if you had told me this was going to happen that day I stepped into the alley, I would've reported you to C-sec for snorting red sand," Shepard admitted.
"Heh. Good one," Tali replied wistfully. "Same here."
Tali internally railed against herself. The line of conversation had been intended to provide her some release, but it had accomplished the exact opposite. It ended up accidentally reinforcing all the reasons why this wasn't going to work and Shepard was definitely not interested in her. Keelah…he'd failed to take her bait by laughing at the "weirdness" of their friendship. If the idea of knowing her was a silly joke, then it could only mean that a romantic relationship with her was truly absurd to him.
If only he could have said something like 'Actually, Tali, it's not that weird for us to get along so well. I don't think it's unnatural. Quite the opposite, in fact.' This was wishful thinking, though. Besides, wasn't it technically accurate that the idea of them being together was weird for all the reasons they'd just openly discussed?
Tali felt sick. All this cyclical, futile thinking was really wearing her down. Why couldn't she just take no for answer and give the hell up already? That's what Rael would tell her to do, and he'd have been right, for once.
A deep yawn escaped Tali's mouth. All she wanted to do was flee to her sleeping pod and pass out so she wouldn't have to think about this anymore. Or maybe just hide from the world, run from her fears and insecurities.
Yet as painful as this relaxed moment of enjoying the sunset with Shepard was, it was also immensely pleasurable for the same reason. Given the choice, she didn't know if she would have chosen to end it or prolong it. Both options seemed to have their pros and cons. Not spending time with him left her depressed, but spending time with him only made the next bout of depression even worse, since the inevitable reminder that none of it was real would eventually come despite Tali's best attempts to keep it at bay. Thus, Shepard was like an addiction, a dangerous drug: he provided short-term relief at the cost of long-term damage.
If only they could do this every single day. Then maybe the aftereffects would never have to bother her.
A rogue yawn issued from Shepard's mouth. "I think you have the right idea. I'm exhausted. Time to head back to the ship?"
Tali took her time responding. Eventually, she settled upon an answer. "Soon. I want to enjoy this just a bit more, if that's alright."
Shepard smiled. "Sure, no problem. Whatever you like, Tali," he said non-challantly.
As they sat in silence, Tali couldn't prevent an unwanted truth from sinking deep into her mind.
She was in love with Commander Shepard.
As the human and the quarian walked back to the Normandy's airlock, the former found his mind wandering.
Tali had been right. That evening had been fantastic, not that he would've mentioned it out loud. The whole thing was for the crew, not him, just as he'd told her. After all, it wasn't as if he was going to flirt with her by saying the same thing. She'd clearly being trying to be polite about the free drinks and the dextro steak, given her pathological selflessness and gratefulness about these sorts of things. Why ruin the moment by suggesting something that was completely ridiculous?
And indeed, it was ridiculous. Tali even thought so herself, by her own admission. Shepard was completely sure, now, of his former hypothesis: that Tali would never think of him in the way that he wished she would.
That didn't stop him from acknowledging just how special this evening at the restaurant and the subsequent walk with her had been for him. When he was around Tali, that dull, aching emptiness inside of his hollow physical shell seemed to magically heal itself, only to return in full force when he was parted from her. Was she, therefore, the meaning in his life that he had been searching for all these years?
It seemed likely. In many ways, Tali represented the youthful, naïve, cheerful optimism that had once existed inside of him before the cruel realities of war had brutally torn it out. (Even though in terms of pure chronology, she was only 6 years younger than him at 22.) His relationship with her, for some reason, reminded him why life was so precious and beautiful, even though it seemed like existence was futile and pointless in the grand scheme of injustice that pervaded the galaxy.
And if only Tali knew how beautiful she was to him. While watching that sunset, Shepard had glanced sneakily to his side. In the golden rays of the simulated sun, which had framed her hood and helmet like a heavenly halo, a small part of Tali's face had been revealed. Evidently, that mask was not as visually impenetrable as one might think; the right lighting could penetrate it and display small hints of what was contained behind. In Tali's case, Shepard had glimpsed the faint outline of a graceful, soft facial structure. She had high cheekbones, a pleasantly round face, and smooth, nearly blemish-less skin. Or so Shepard guessed, anyway. It was hard to perceive for sure. In the very least, he confirmed that it was highly unlikely that she was as ugly as everyone seemed to think quarians were beneath those suits. What little he had seen, which amounted to little more than a small part of the right side of her face, had captivated him.
Not that it mattered in the slightest. His aloof act had been representative of his 'practical feelings', as he liked to call them, if not his 'real feelings'.
Still, there was an inescapable truth which deeply troubled him all the way back to the Normandy.
He was hopelessly in love with Tali.