Trying Not to Love You-7
His encounter with Demelza stayed with Ross for the rest of the day and started him thinking about Elizabeth and the state of their marriage. Ever since he agreed to separate bedrooms as a method of preventing pregnancy, he had plenty of time to replay his entire relationship with Elizabeth going back to before he left for America. If he were honest with himself, even from the very start, she always seemed to be holding back and not giving him all of herself. He knew that as the only child of an established family of the county, she was expected to marry well not only because of who she was but because her family depended on it. For while the Chynoweth's were in the upper echelon of Cornwall society, their fortunes had diminished and Elizabeth marrying someone with wealth would help that situation tremendously. Ross knew that his ancient family had the breeding but they hadn't had the bounty for years. By the time he left, his father's estate was lessening. With only one mine, Wheal Leisure, barely working and his lands yielding less and less, he knew he would not be inheriting much. He had hoped that his father would work to better their finances while he was away so that when he came back he would be able to marry Elizabeth and offer her the kind of life he knew she expected.
Instead he returned to a life far worse than what he saw in America. The depth of poverty in Cornwall that had affected not just himself but all his friends and tenants, brought a harsh reality to Ross. And while he wanted to be with Elizabeth and a future with her, he also felt an obligation to these people who had been a part of his life since birth. Ross was sure that his devotion to the villagers was part of the reason his wife stayed just a hair's breath away from him. As if getting to close to her husband would mean getting close to the lower class. That was the biggest difference between Ross and Elizabeth; their sense of propriety and status in life.
Now as he lay alone in the small bedroom that had once been his, Ross wondered why Elizabeth agreed to keep her promise to marry him. He really had nothing to offer her except his name. He had hoped it was because she loved him as he loved her. His other thought was that as she was a well bred young woman, she would never go back on a promise and so went through with the marriage hoping that fate and fortunes would change. That is what Ross had worked towards and he wanted to make that happen with a wife by his side. He was certain Elizabeth was that wife. Or he thought she was, until he met the other Mrs. Poldark. He saw in Demelza the enthusiasm for life he thought Elizabeth had. It was that ideal of Elizabeth which kept him going while he fought in the war. But when Ross looked at his wife now he saw discontent, sometimes disgust and even sadness. He could understand the first two. Living in a run-down estate where they had to fend for themselves instead of having servants wait on them would make anyone discontented, even disgusted. That is something he could try and change. It's the sadness that he didn't know the source of or how to combat. Was she sad because of the material things she had to do without? Or was she sad because she was married to him?
Ross sat up, determined to get to the bottom of this. He couldn't live his life or have Elizabeth live her life in this kind of melancholy filled limbo. He also couldn't let whatever was in his head about Demelza overshadow his marriage. No matter that it wasn't perfect, he was committed to Elizabeth and he loved her. And it was that last thought that had Ross second guessing everything. He did love her, didn't he? Of course he did. He'd loved since the first day he'd laid eyes on her. He was certain there was no one else for him. And it was that memory-no reality he corrected-that motivated him to go find his wife and talk to her. As for that incident that happened between himself and Demelza on the beach, he put it down to a reaction to his cousin in laws state of upset and a reflex action on his part to being lonely. That ended now.
Rising from his bed, Ross strode across the hall to the master bedroom to find Elizabeth. Stopping in front of the door, he gently knocked. Not hearing anything from the other side, he lifted the latch and pushed the door in. Looking inside he saw the room was empty. There was no sign of Elizabeth. He was confused because he couldn't figure out where she could have gone to. Elizabeth rarely walked around the grounds and most certainly wouldn't wander over to the villages or the tenants. Bounding downstairs, Ross called out.
"Prudie!" He entered the kitchen hoping to find her there. Not a soul was around. Going out into the yard he found Prudie actually hanging wash on the line. A rare sight indeed.
"Prudie, where is your mistress?"
"Don't know sir. She left awhile ago on her horse. She didn't say where she was going."
Ross looked out at his fields hoping to catch a glimpse of her but saw nothing but green, and sky and sea; the last reminding him once again of his meeting with a feisty redhead. He slowly walked back into the house, headed for his library and started work on reviewing the plans for Leisure. He needed to channel his energy into something he hoped would change his fortunes and not the young woman who happened to be his cousin's wife.
At the other Poldark household Trenwith, Demelza was in the kitchen helping Mrs. Tabb and Verity prepare supper for Francis. When she had returned from the beach, she was told he had been at the mine all morning. Secretly she was glad that he wasn't home because she wasn't sure she could face him so soon after her encounter with his cousin. Demelza's run in with Ross, when she so upset and the way it ended had left her shaky and in need to be home in familiar surroundings and get settled. It was not that what happened with Ross unpleasant; it because it was quite the opposite. The closeness and kiss they shared left Demelza feeling something unexpected but not unwelcome. And that was something Demelza did not want to covet. She loved Francis, she was his wife and she would not betray that either in action or thought. It would not happen again.
Demelza's mind had drifted to what set her off on her own this morning in the first place. She had been hoping that she was with child when she had not gotten her monthly cycle over the past two weeks. She was always a regular as the moon so she was sure this time meant that what she had hoped for was finally coming true. Alas, when she woke this morning with the familiar pain and discharge, her heart sank. So sure was she that a child was coming that she had rehearsed in her head what she would say to Francis over breakfast. Instead she dressed quickly and left the house before he rose, anxious to let out her disappointment away from him.
Demelza began to wonder if there was something wrong with her that prevented her from having children. She knew that of late, she and Francis had not shared a bed as frequently as they had in the those early weeks of marriage but she put that down to his work and her tiredness from working on making Trenwith a home he would be proud of. It never occurred to her that the problem might lie with her husband. It had to be her fault and if it was, what's to say that Francis wouldn't turn her out for not being able to provide him with an heir. These were all the thoughts and feelings that Demelza was trying to sort when she went for her walk on the beach and when Ross found her. Her distress was so deep that she could not even explain to him what she was worried about. He must think me an idiot, she thought now as she rolled out the pastry for the pie she was making.
"Demelza?" Verity called to her. She didn't answer until she felt a hand pull the rolling pin out of her grip. Looking up she saw Verity staring back at her.
"What?" Demelza said as casually as possible.
"Are you alright my dear? You seem a little out of sorts," Verity said, the concern in her voice clear.
"Yes of course. Just a little distracted. It's been a long day." Demelza took the wooden pin back from her and finished what she was doing. She then molded it to the tin and filled it with the savory mix of rabbit and potatoes. Putting the top piece of dough on she brushed it with egg wash and set it in the oven next to the fire to bake.
"Verity, if you and Mrs. Tabb don't mind, I think I'm going to lie down for awhile. The walk this morning and….other things….have left me beyond tired." She brushed the flour from her hands and removed the apron she was wearing. Verity exchanged a glance with the housekeeper before responding.
"Demelza, you are mistress of Trenwith. You don't have to ask permission to do anything, " Verity reminded her with a warm smile. Demelza returned the gesture and went to give Francis' sister a hug.
"You're too kind to me Verity. I'm sorry for being a bother."
"Demelza, you are far from a bother. You have brought a light to Francis' eyes that had never been there before. And I'm grateful for that." Demelza felt her cheeks warm and her eyes become moist. This young woman was most likely destined to a life of spinsterhood and yet showed no resentment or bitterness. Only kindness and love.
"Thank you Verity." Demelza gave her an understanding look and turned to leave, with Garrick on her heels.
Walking through the darkened hallways she made her way up to her bedroom. Entering, she sat on the chest at the foot of the large four poster and pulled off her shoes and stockings, rubbing her feet on the Turkey rug while Garrick took up residence next to the fire. The motion reminded her of the sand which grated against her toes that morning. Undoing her skirt and bodice, she loosened her corset and lay down in her shift and petticoat. She closed her eyes and was immediately greeted by the face of Francis' dark haired cousin.
"Ross," she whispered as she slipped into a peaceful sleep, the worries of the day forgotten and replaced by the memory of a gentle hand and warm kiss.