Summer 26, Age 21

Dear Mother,

It's been a really rough time lately. I've honestly screwed up. I apologize for my late correspondence, dearest Mother. But please, allow me to explain my reasoning.

Things between Luna and I have been quite...rocky, if you will. Our love was going so strong for a long while. We'd almost been dating for two years. I guess we both started to slip; I'll take part of the blame. It's not all her fault. And believe me, I'm not just saying that. Sure, over the years we've had our arguments, but they were minor compared to this past one. I was up very late one night, sleepless as usual. Luna came to the door and knocked on it. Fearing that it would wake Father, I answered it and quickly pulled her into my room and locked the door. Oh goodness…what that must've looked like! I'm very grateful that Father did not find out. I'm quite certain he'd kill me if he found out I had a girl in my room that late at night. Anyway, Luna sat on my bed and told me that she had been thinking very hard. She wondered if our relationship was worth it; could she someday actually be my wife. I was shocked because I knew I had told her long ago that when I dated, I intended to marry. I asked her why she would even be considering that, and I guess I must've come off too harsh. She got angry, and in heated whispers we exchanged hateful words. I told her that I wouldn't care if she left me, but I guess I accidentally slipped out that nobody else could stand to date her. I was stupid, Mother. She gasped and smacked me across the cheek. I think the sting afterwards was more emotional than physical…

She told me that I was too stiff and uptight for her; that I'd changed since we first met. I couldn't respond, because I knew it was true. And I knew why it was true. I'd become so focused upon pleasing Father and doing everything that he wished that I forgot my true self. You can be whatever you want in life as long as you stay Gill. I let your saying slip. I wasn't Gill. I was a machine. Father's machine. Luna gave my hands one more squeeze. "I don't mean to be like this, Gill. But you brought it upon yourself." she said as she turned to leave. I was so upset. But I wordlessly walked her back to the Tailor Shop. Before she shut the door, she whispered, "I think it's just over for now, Gill."

And that was that.

I went home and stayed awake all night, crying and crying. I never wanted to love again. Every woman I loved, I lost. I didn't sleep at all. For days I just stayed in my room with the door locked and Father trying multiple times to enter, but with no avail. I hated everything. Absolutely everything. The self-harm thoughts started coming back. The depression. The anxiety. I'd ruined myself and all my relationships in sacrifice to becoming the "perfect" mayor. I felt so…so incredibly awful.

After a few weeks of that, I left the house late at night and went to the Brass Bar. And disobeyed Father for the first time. I drank. My first alcoholic beverage ever was a buckwheat cocktail (because Kathy had suggested that it was her favorite). One after another, after another, after another. My problems shrunk as my alcohol intake intensified. Before long I couldn't even remember why I'd been sad. Or why I'd come to the Bar. I guess I must've looked terrible by the end, because Chase stopped what he was cooking (which was rare) and came to my side. He spoke very softly to me so that no one else would hear. He told me that he was going to take me home and tuck me safe into bed; everything would be alright. I let him gently lead me out the door and start to support me home. Halfway there, I stopped and began crying. I told him with some difficulty that if Father ever found out about this, he would honest-to-goodness kill me. Chase seemed to think everything through quickly, and he nodded. "I won't tell anyone, Gill. I promise you with all my heart." he assured me. Before I knew it, we were waiting for his knock at the Tailor Shop's door to be answered.

Candace opened it and gasped upon seeing me. Chase spoke very quickly to her, and while they spoke I saw through blurred vision Luna come up behind her. She bit her lip and looked down. Candace took my arm and carefully led me to Luna's room. She and Luna whispered for a moment, then Candace left us alone. Luna sat me down on the bed and we had a good talk. She asked why I'd done this; disobeyed Father, threw everything away for a night, suddenly became depressed. When I honestly answered that it was because of her, she hugged me close and told me over and over that she was sorry-she hadn't meant everything that she said. Yes, I did change in a bad way, but she didn't want our love to be over. I hugged her back and we ended up falling asleep on her bed like that.

The next morning, she took immediately to fixing me up. I awoke with the quilts tucked up to my chin and a warm breakfast waiting on a tray. Things seemed to be looking up between us again. We talked a lot more, and eventually worked out a resolution. We decided to stay together, and never let another fight that bad split us again. Luna told me that without my company in her life, she was also a wreck. She actually admitted to becoming moody and highly temperamental with her grandmother and sister around the store. And, well, my feelings were pretty obvious.

I've never ever had anything alcoholic to drink after that. Even the slightest smell of alcohol makes me sick to process. I hated how I was feeling at the time that I was so bad, and the sight or smell of alcohol brings me back to it. Luna, Chase, and Candace never spoke a word about that night to anyone. In fact, Candace never even brought it up to me. Oh, Mother. I can't begin to say how ashamed of myself I am. I really lost it. I don't…oh, I just can't fathom how irrational and ridiculous I behaved! Not just with the alcohol but with Luna too! I don't know what I would've done without her taking me in and helping me. I would've had to go home. Face Father. Get reprimanded. Smacked. Shunned. Oh, god…I'm so lucky. What have I done? I nearly wasted everything I had. Mother, I needed help.

All I can say is thank you, because I know you had something to do with Luna's acceptance of me once more. Nobody should have to see their once-love groveling over them like that. Yet she did. And she didn't care. She loved me anyway, just like you would've done. I've come to a decision in my head that I've been thinking about for a long while. Since that terrible incident last season, Luna and I have continued on our regular dating course as we have been for the past two years. But I really believe that she could be my wife. I've firmly resolved to propose to her soon. Just yesterday I went out and reached the top of the mountain. I obtained the blue feather needed to show her my love. Today while Luna was out with Candace to go jewelry shopping, I spoke with Shelly and asked her if I could marry her youngest granddaughter. She didn't seem surprised. She nodded with tears in her eyes and told me that she wouldn't want anybody else as her grandson-in-law but me. She said that Luna talked about me all the time-that I really seemed to impact her every time we were together or apart. It made me…very happy.

Now talking to Father about this wasn't as easy. He was surprised that I wanted to marry, and I was grilled with questions for nearly an hour-and-a-half. I had to argue a bit, which took him aback, but got my point through. Mother, I'll admit to you that I was so nervous speaking to him. I was so afraid that he would decide it for me-that I couldn't propose to her. But after all that time of nonstop discussion, he agreed that Luna would be a good fit for me.

So today I was making my plan of how I was going to propose to Luna. I figured out that I would take her to a nice dinner, walk her along the beach, and then kneel down and show her the blue feather. It was perfect in my mind. Until, of course, Luna acted like Luna. She came over unexpectedly while I was reading my book and saw the blue feather on the fireplace mantle! She ran over and grabbed it, asking who it was for. I told her to shut up and give it back to me; she proceeded to run around the whole house with it, laughing and taunting the whole time. I pursued her, not wanting my perfect plan to be ruined. But after she ran around so much, and calling her a child wouldn't stop her, I gave up and told her that it was supposed to be for her. I said that she was stupid to think it would be somebody else. She stared at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and replied, "Gill, you're an idiot. But I love you. And I can't wait to be your wife."

And that was what's been happening. While I'm ashamed of my mistakes, I didn't let them stop me from moving on into the future. In a few days, Luna and I will be married! I can't believe it Mother. Oddly, I feel your presence sometimes and it assures me that you accept the girl I'm about to marry. Thank you for giving me that reassurance. Julius said he'd later on help me pick out a wedding ring suitable for her. He suggested a gold ring set with a sapphire to match her eyes. But I'm thinking that my girl is special enough for a diamond. I'm so excited, Mother! Everything at the wedding will be perfect. Candace and Shelly are making her wedding dress just the way she wants it, and I've chosen Chase to be my best man. He's nervous, but I think it's just pre-wedding worries. I want you there Mother and I wish you could be alive to experience this. But I know you'll be with me, just like you have every step of my life. I love you forever and always.

Your son,

Gill