Several of My Exes Live in Texas

Alice, Jasper, and I started hanging out with Edward's band a couple of times a week, sometimes with all of them but especially with Edward and Emmett. Then Jasper introduced Emmett to his twin sister Rosalie, and a few times a week became almost every day or night because Emmett started pestering Jasper constantly to hang out and to bring his hot sister. After that first day at the springs when I sat in his lap, I hadn't really had any physical contact with Edward. He seemed to like spending time with me, and we always had a lot to talk about. He just didn't seem interested in being anything except friends, and he seemed almost wary of touching me, carefully keeping his hands and arms close to his body if we sat next to each other, and maintaining space between us when we walked side by side. The only positive was that he didn't seem interested in anyone else either. Girls of all types and ages were constantly trying to catch his attention, but he blithely ignored their advances and treated them all with indifference. I was beginning to question his orientation (the boy was awfully pretty and he did have some tight pants) and I was trying to think of nice way to ask him, when we ran into Tanya one night at the Alamo movie theater.

We were going to a midnight showing of The Big Lebowski and got to the theater early to have a few drinks. Suddenly a piercing yell from the back of the theater caused us, and half the rest of the theater, to turn around. "Edward!" she shrieked, power walking towards our row. "Oh Christ," Emmett muttered, "Fucking Tanya." She was tall and model thin in skinny jeans and toeless ankle boots, with white blond hair and ice blue eyes. She was leanly muscular and had the dark bronze tan that looks great on twenty-year-olds and wrinkly on thirty-year-olds. In a flash Edward was out of his seat and in the aisle, putting his arm around her and walking her away from the group. Great, I guess now I know what Edward's type is. Blonde and tan. Perfect, that's just perfect.

"What did she want?" Emmett asked when Edward returned to seat a few minutes later. I avoided his eyes.

"She ah wanted to get together and do it again." Edward replied quietly, glancing around.

"You are shitting me. What a psycho. Keep her away man, we don't need any more crazy."

I pretended I couldn't hear them, folding my arms over my chest defensively and crossing my legs. Blond, tan, and tall. Fan-fucking-tastic. Thanks a lot Edward. I knew I was being irrational, but suddenly learning that he did have interest in the opposite sex was pissing me off.

The next night we were all back at Paul's house hanging out and I decided to man up and ask about Tanya. I'd brought over some frozen cookie dough (and a baking pan, Paul didn't even have spoons), and Emmett, Felix, and Demetri had gathered in the kitchen waiting for the cookies to finish baking. "So, that girl from the other night, Tanya, she and Edward, uh, dated?" I asked casually. Emmett laughed a short bark. "Ha. Yeah. Dated."

"Briefly," said Felix rolling his eyes.

"Oh, was that a while ago? Because I never see him with anyone or anything," I commented.

Emmett groaned. "Oh no, Bells, don't do it. Oh, please don't even think about it."

"What? Do what?" I asked innocently. Emmett and Felix exchanged glances. "Bella," Emmett said looking straight at me, "Edward is a great friend. The best, always has your back."

"But here's the thing," Felix interrupted. "He is terrible, I mean like epically bad with women. I mean I'm no saint, but shit,"

"Just don't get involved Bella. You are way too awesome for him. And after Edward works his shorty disaster magic on you you won't want hang out with us anymore." Emmett broke in.

"Plus you're much too hot, Edward usually only goes after skanks," Demetri added.

"Like Tanya," finished Emmett, pretending to shudder in horror.

"But Edward seems . . . like a gentleman," I said lamely, remembering too late that it was the other Edward who I knew that about.

"It's funny you'd say that," said Emmett. "He kind of is a gentleman. I mean, he opens doors and shit. He is just bad mojo. And he needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut."

"Hey, remember when he pissed off that kinky Goth girl and she refused to unlock his handcuffs? That boy needs to learn to keep his mouth shut," Demetri said.

" Or how about the time whatsherface, Whitney," started Felix

"WHIT-TRASH!" chorused Emmett and Demetri in unison.

"Yeah, Whit-trash, remember when she bashed in his car headlights and wouldn't leave until the cops came?"

"He did refuse to press charges, that was gentlemanly."

"Or what about Tattoo Girl and how she sent him a gross vial of blood to wear around his neck?"

" To be fair, they did meet at that vampire club. Gayest night ever, by the way, I don't know whose idea that was. Even the chicks he doesn't hit it with hate him. Remember that fat chick who was rubbing up on him and he told her flat out he just wasn't attracted to her?"

"That was priceless. She was probably three bills plus though, so she kind of had to know that."

"Wow, he really sounds like an asshole," I said, trying to imagine perfect Edward Cullen insulting a lady.

"That's just it, I don't think he means to be. He is just wayyy too honest."

"And way too easy. I think it took him a while to figure out that there are kind of a lot of girls you can't just hit it with and then leave, even if they act like that's what they want. You have to at least pretend to get their number and shit."

"They pay you to leave, right? That's the old saying." I said, trying to process all of this information without looking like it bothered me.

"Huh?"

"You know, guys don't pay hookers for sex, they pay them to leave." I explained. The guys all burst out laughing.

"Oh shit, that's priceless. I'm going to try that one out on Rosie." Emmett chuckled.

"Hey, what you guys laughing about?" Alice lilted, dancing into the room.

"Oh nothing, we're just explaining to Bella the many many reasons why Edward is a bad bad choice for her."

"Oh, but why? Bella has such a crush on him!"

"Alice! I do not have a crush on him. I have never said any such thing."

"Sure you do Bella. You're always looking at him and biting your lip. That is clear sexual frustration. Plus I think he likes you."

"He doesn't like me Alice, we're just friends. Who wants a cookie? And a drink?"

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