AN:For general disclaimer, see chapter one.

AN: This has actually turned into one of my favorite chapters so far. :-) It might not be what you expect after the last chapter, but for me, it had to be this way and at this point. As I have no personal experiences in this regard, I hope that the feelings I am describing ring true. Please enjoy, and feedback is, as always, very much appreciated.

o o o o o o

Chapter 7: A Different Kind of Therapy

"Colonel, Good Morning!" She was enthusiastically greeted. If Harriet was surprised about this impromptu visit, she didn't let it show. Maybe Mac should have alerted her of her coming, but it was such a spur of the moment decision to come over that she didn't even think of it.

It was only when the door had closed behind Harm last night that her mind was able to think clearly again. When they could both manage to breathe more regularly, they had to laugh about the melted ice cream sitting in its cardboard containers on the counter. He took it as his cue to leave. At her door, he had said good night, placing an almost unbearably soft kiss on her lips, then slowly walked away from her door. Backwards. Keeping his eyes locked with hers until he reached the staircase and had no choice but to finally turn around. She leaned against her doorjamb for support, with what she figured must have been the most goofily happy and dreamy expression on her face.

Yet once he was gone, there was no stopping the onslaught of insecurity and fear, the remembrance of all the stumbling blocks along their way, especially the one that had grown so insurmountably large that it had the capability of completely stopping any steps further forward. She had tossed and turned in bed; sleep had fallen by the wayside as her mind grappled with everything that had happened, during this unforgettable evening that had upended her world and had changed everything she thought she knew. It was only in the wee hours of the morning that she suddenly knew where she could turn to, and here she was.

She shook the thoughts away and smiled at the other woman's automatic use of the deeply engrained military protocol. Before she could even get a word out, Harriet gushed on.

"Oh it's so nice to see you! You look much improved, how are you feeling?" Luckily, her face was only slightly bruised by now, and she had managed to successfully cover the pink blotches with make-up. She smiled at the welcome. Harriet always had a warmth around her that immediately pulled Mac in and made her feel at home.

"Hi Harriet, it's great to see you, too. I'm doing much better, thanks, but how about you?" Harriet's protruding belly must make it really hard for her to get around by now, not to mention Jimmy perched precariously on her side.

Mac immediately reached for the baby; lending a helping hand seemed the least she could do for intruding on Harriet unannounced. In a way, interacting with the little guy was why she had come in the first place.

"Well, life is getting just a little exhausting," Harriet answered while handing Jimmy over into Mac's waiting arms. "Come on in, Colonel."

"Thanks, and it's Mac."

"Sorry, momentary lapse," Harriet smiled apologetically. "Can I offer you anything, Mac?"

"No, thanks. This little guy here is quite enough for now," Mac cooed at the squirming baby tugged onto her hip. "Why don't you sit down and put your feet up for a bit?"

Gratefully, Harriet sank onto the couch with a sigh.

"You know, ever since that little guy here learned to walk, he's just up and about constantly. Such a little whirlwind. I've gated off the whole house, and I still run after him all day." Yet the loving tone with which Harriet recounted her current situation told Mac that, although exhausting, Harriet wouldn't miss it for the world. Her gut knotted again; the sense of loss and sadness strong and almost overpowering. But this is why she had come; she needed answers, of sorts.

She quenched the feeling as best as she could; instead concentrating on Jimmy in her arms, who was momentarily preoccupied with the silver necklace she was wearing. His little chubby fingers tried to grab the sparkling piece, and when she slowly extracted it from his grip, he just tried again, not to be distracted from his goal. He was just so cute, his mouth open in concentration, with a little drool dribbling out. She felt immediately warmer, and the weight on her shoulder felt just a little lighter.

"Where's AJ today?"

"Oh, I've enrolled him in an enrichment program. It's usually in the afternoon, after kindergarten, but since school is on Christmas break, there was the option of all-day care. He really loves it, he gets to play with lots of other kids his own age, and I get a bit of a reprieve." Harriet grinned at Mac, watching her friend interact with her son. Mac was smiling, and had a very telling sparkle in her eyes that Harriet had rarely seen at the office or in other social situations. Only when she was with children, or sometimes when a certain Commander was around, but apparently, he was too dense to see it. Or he ignored it. Either way, Harriet didn't get it, but it wasn't her place to interfere. And for quite some time, that sparkle, that force of life that the Colonel had always exuded seemed to have disappeared for good.

"I hope you're going to stay for a while? I was just about to make sandwiches for lunch; it'd be great to have some grown-up company."

"Are you sure? I mean, I didn't mean to intrude on you..."

"I know." Harriet interrupted her, her tone somber. She knew about her friend's fertility problems and had a pretty good feeling why Mac had needed to come by. There was no need for explanations.

"Besides, I'll just put you to work! You can take care of Jimmy for as long as you'd like to stay around!" She smiled in Mac's direction while she slowly maneuvered her body off the couch. That thing was really too low for pregnant women!

Mac took Jimmy over to the corner where his toys were, and set him down on his blanket. His first action was to get up again and tip over the container with his toys. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, Mac tirelessly built and rebuilt towers with blocks that Jimmy had the greatest time knocking over. Several other toys were tried and discarded in his never-ending curiosity. Then he just wandered around, trying to grab the remote off the coffee table and nibble on it, dump the soil out of a potted plant, and open all of Harriet's drawers, with Mac behind him, trying to do damage control as best as she could.

Pretty soon, Harriet called them to lunch, and Mac joined her in the kitchen: She strapped Jimmy into his high chair and tied a bib around his neck.

"Sit down," Harriet urged her and pointed at the chair next to Jimmy. She had prepared grilled cheese sandwiches and warmed up some tomato soup to go with it. Comfort food. She thought Mac might need it, and besides, Jimmy loved grilled cheese sandwiches.

Mac reached for a sandwich triangle and cut it in bite-sized pieces for a tiny mouth, then watched in delight as Jimmy worked piece after piece into his mouth with the use of all of his fingers. As Harriet filled her in on Christmas at the Roberts', detailing the usual clash of her parents with her father-in-law, the craziness of too many presents for small children, cooking disasters, and a Christmas tree that had tipped over three times already, Mac simply enjoyed. There it was again, this feeling of deliberately having missed out on the simple joys in life for too long. She marveled at the sensation of the crisp bread giving way to the gooey cheese inside, the tingling on her tongue from the hot, slightly spicy soup, the aromas of basil and toasted bread mingling in the air, the soft chatter of her friend, and Jimmy trying to grab her hair with his cheese-crusted fingers. Once he had finished his sandwich, she spoon-fed him blueberry-apple puree, and then she and the little guy were sent upstairs to get the baby down for his nap.

"Here's a bottle with tea, suckling at it still serves to calm him down before he goes to bed; just sit in the rocking chair with him. He needs a new diaper, but there's no need for his pajamas, just leave the pants off."

Having received her instructions, Mac took off with Jimmy in her arm. She stopped in the bathroom to wipe the food off his face, ears, hair, and hands, then proceeded to his room. After she had changed his diaper, she sat down in the rocking chair and cradled him in the crook of her arm. He grabbed for his bottle until she plopped it into his mouth, and then he immediately settled down. His eyes were wide open, looking intently at her, while one of his hands had grabbed hold of her finger, squeezing tightly.

She could only stare at him. He was such a gorgeous baby; with his wisps of soft blond hair, his chubby cheeks, and these large eyes. She had read once that nose and ears grow continuously throughout one's life, yet the eyes were the exact same size from birth till the end. She couldn't even imagine these eyes ever fitting into a grown-up man's face, yet ultimately, the time would pass so quickly, through countless little steps and firsts. A life filled with loving parents and a house full of siblings. Silent tears started streaming down her cheeks, but they weren't as agonizing. It was rather peaceful, actually; a languid pouring out of emotions that had been suppressed for too long.

She kept watching as his eyes slowly drooped close. She still felt the pressure of his tiny hand holding her finger, and the occasional suckle at the bottle, so she kept a steady rhythm of slightly rocking with the chair.

Harriet peaked in her head a while later. Mac attempted to get up to put Jimmy in his crib, but she motioned her to stay put. She crept into the room and settled down on the small couch to observe Mac. Outwardly, she seemed fine, but the tear tracks on her cheeks gave her away, and Harriet could tell that she was mulling over something. For a while, all that could be heard in the room was the slight squeaking of the chair and her son's strong and fast breathing. Just as intended, it was weaving its spell.

"Harriet?" She whispered. "Have you ever thought about what you would have done if you hadn't been able to have children? About Bud, I mean…," she trailed off.

"You mean, would I have still married him?"

"Yes, in a way, I guess…" She trailed off again, a faraway look on her face. Harriet thought it wise not to answer; it seemed as if there was more to come, some clarification as to what the Colonel was actually getting at. She didn't have to wait long.

"Just, the feelings of guilt… I don't know how to deal with those."

"But, Mac, you have an illness, it's not your fault."

"I know… I feel guilty towards Harm. I'd be taking away his chance of having his own children." It all came out in a strangled sob, so full of despair that it broke Harriet's heart. The Commander and the Colonel had to endure so much suffering in their lives already. Suddenly her mind honed on what she had heard. Since when were they…?

"Are you and the Commander dating?"

"No. Maybe. Well, not yet, anyways…" That answer certainly hadn't cleared up anything; Harried was more confused now than before.

"But you are talking about having children together?"

"We've sort of decided that years ago…" Mac softly said. Inwardly, Harried shook her head. How could two such highly intelligent people get everything so backwards, basically putting the cart before the horse? Again, it wasn't her place to say so, but it shed a whole new light on their relationship.

"Did he say anything that would make you feel guilty?"

"No, not at all," she was quick to defend Harm, "quite the opposite, actually. He said it didn't matter how it happened, as long as it happened with me..." A wistful smile appeared on her lips when she thought back on that particular evening, but was quickly replaced when her thoughts were tormenting her once more.

"But he's already given up so much for me, how can I allow him to give up on having children of his own?" It came out as barely more than a whisper; her head dropped and the tears were once more flowing.

"Don't you think that should be for him to decide?" At this, Mac's head flew up. A bit dazed, all she could do was look at her. Harriet decided it was time to leave Mac to ponder that on her own for a bit.

She maneuvered her uncooperative body off the couch, then came over to the rocking chair. Stroking her baby's soft hair, she addressed Mac.

"Stay here for a bit. Once Jimmy is out, he can sleep in any position. Just sit with him. It's like therapy, believe me."

Once more alone with Jimmy and her tormented mind, Mac considered what Harriet had said. Of course, it wasn't up to her to make Harm's decisions; not for her to allow or not allow him anything. But was it truly okay with him, or did he feel obligated to her? He had promised her, told her he didn't make promises he couldn't keep, and he would never back away from it. The aftermath of Paraguay had almost broken them, yet the promise had survived even that. But if it was an obligation he felt, would he eventually resent her for it, for holding him to a promise to which she couldn't hold up her end of the bargain?

These recurring thoughts were a part of why she had pushed him away these last couple of months. Apart from all the emotional turmoil Clay's betrayal had left her with, her almost certain infertility made her retreat from Harm. Maybe, if she pushed him away long enough, he would take his chance at a different life and opt out on her.

Yet he was still here. And now the bets were off. He had also told her back then that he wanted to be a part of her life, but what did that mean, ultimately? After all that had happened, he was still her closest friend, which meant he was 'a part of her life' already. Only she was craving so much more. She wished not every sentence of major importance ever uttered throughout their rocky relationship were so darn ambiguous. His 'not yet' and her 'never' had haunted them for years. And then there was last night's kiss. A first tentative promise of more to come. Was that the answer she had been looking for?

Suddenly, it seemed like the most logical conclusion in the world. For months now, he had hung onto her, through all the discouragements, and he had kissed her to confirm his commitment. Logic, however, didn't necessarily mean she could make herself believe. For the law, logic was her ally, yet when it came to her personal life, it seemed that logic never made an appearance in her decision-making processes. She knew one thing for sure, though, a feeling that had seemingly always been there, and had been reaffirmed over these last few days – she was aching for Harm, with her heart, her soul, her entire being, and she had lost the strength and the willingness to fight it. So it boiled down to the decisive question: Could she deal with him having to make this ultimate sacrifice?

She sighed heavily and instinctively cuddled Jimmy closer to her body. His weight now heavy on her arm and her lap, she still couldn't make herself get up to put him to bed. Just looking at him, inhaling the comforting smells of baby powder and milk, a powerful wave of warmth washed through her, tingling in her tummy, rushing through all her extremities. It was love, pure unadulterated love for this small, perfect human being. And she hadn't born him, she suddenly realized. She loved him with her whole heart, and his 'creation' had nothing to do with it. With a sudden clarity she saw where her thinking had gone wrong these past months. She would always feel this way about any child in her life. Maybe she could not 'create' a child of her own, but she could create something else. She could create love.

o o o o o

She joined Harriet in the living room a while later, having put Jimmy down in his crib. Mac tentatively smiled at her and sat down next to her on the couch.

"May I?" She softly asked, lifting her hand.

Harriet simply nodded her assent and Mac laid her hand flatly on Harriet's belly.

"You're lucky, they are up," she smiled at Mac, moving her friend's hand to where she could better feel the movements inside.

For a while, the two women simply sat in companionable silence. Then Mac spoke again.

"I think I'm finally seeing a little clearer now…" She felt more content now than she had in a long time.

"For the last couple of months, I was drowning in this overwhelming grief over what I have lost, the babies that would never grow inside me, and it obscured everything else about my life. I lost track of the big picture. I mean, I'm still heartbroken that I might never carry a child, but …" Her free hand waved around in a circle, her gesture indicating Harriet's life.

"I want all of this. Seeing a child, or children, grow up, being there every step of the way. A husband beside me. A family. The pregnancy and the birth are only the first nine months. But there is so much more that comes after that…" She sighed, a soft smile playing on her lips. She felt much lighter, finally having fought her way out of the bleakness.

"So, Mac, if you are able to see things this way, why would you think any less of Harm?"

TBC

AN: Harm will be back in the next chapter, I promise:-)