Thanks to all those who reviewed! And sorry for the wait.

Let it be known that I haven't read this book—I only got the summary from wikipedia. However, I am familiar with the material as I've read Seeds of Yesterday, the fourth book, but that was six years ago. All mistakes are mine.

FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC: A BOOK REVIEW

by Brittany Unicorn Pierce

Mrs. Hagberg is a really weird teacher, but like good weird. Last year she told everyone that Hitler wrote the Bible and its original title was Mein Kampf. I'm pretty sure that's not what I learned during Sunday school, but I can't really remember since San and I hardly attended them. Anyways, Mrs. H had to take a mandatory leave but now everything's fine and dandy... or is it? Maybe she's already showing signs of dementia, although I don't really get that since she isn't floating around wearing a hood and kissing people and sucking off their souls, right? Oh hey, Mrs. H, if you actually read our book reviews, that was a really good costume suggestion for Halloween, though now that I think about it, I haven't really seen a pudgy dementor, have I? Well, there's a first time for everything, I guess.

Anyways for English, she asked us to do a book review, and did I mention previously that I've done a lot of summer reading? I was about to post a review of The Calculus 7 so I texted Santana first if that would be alright. However it's been eight hours and nearly one in the morning and she hasn't replied yet, and I know she's really busy so I just asked Kiki. She said it was the worst idea I've ever had. I like it that Kiki's really frank and honest, and she reminds me of the mirror in Snow White and the Huntsman, minus the creepiness.

So I dug around and found this book, Flowers in the Attic.

At first I thought it was a book about gardening and growing your own plants—stupid title by the way since the attic hardly gets any sunlight, unless you have a skylight built into it. And anyway who would want to climb all the way up there just to see the flowers bloom? Not to mention it's gonna be a nightmare for your plumbing works, and also, sprinklers would wreak havoc on your rafters.

Basically, Flowers in the Attic (from hereon referred to as FITA) is about siblings with an unpronounceable last name. I just refer to them as Doppelgangers, since it's easier, and also more familiar. Their father died and they're in the brink of poverty (which I think is weird since don't they have anything to inherit from their father?) so their mother, Corinne, writes a letter to their grandma, Olivia, and asks her whether they could live with her in Virginia. She tells them they could, as long as the children are kept hidden. Corinne then tells them their last name is Foxworth. I wish she had told us—I meant, the reader earlier—so I didn't get my tongue all twisted with their Doppelganger name.

So they come to Virginia, then weird shit transpires and we find out that the siblings' parents were half-uncle and niece. Weird shit. Though this makes me wonder, if they were inbred how come they were all described as beautiful? I learned in Biology class that continuous inbreeding would lead to an increase of negative characteristics that would be present in the offspring since the genes are too similar. We all know what happened to the Spanish Habsburgs, particularly to their last King, Charles II. He was described as severely deformed and mentally retarded, and also sterile. How do I know these? Well, last year, I always helped Santana prepare for exams and every time she got a correct answer, she's rewarded with sweet lady kisses. ;)

Man, I got sidetracked by that mini-History lesson.

Anyways, to make reading more fun, I'm starting a drinking game. Mrs. H, you could totally do this while you're grading our papers, It's gonna be more fun this way, I'm sure.

So, rules. For every 'weird shit' that happens I'll just take a drink. And if I ever read the phrase 'flaxen hair' or the children are described as 'Dresden dolls' again, I think I'll just down the entire bottle of Jack. That is all. I hope to get hammered before I finish this book.

Where was I?

Oh right. Well, I forgot to mention their names. Chris is the firstborn, Cathy, second then the twins, Cory and Carrie. The author loves her alliterations, eh? The children get locked up in the attic and the twins stopped growing because they're like plants who totally need sunlight to grow, and Cathy practices ballet while Chris is teaching himself to become a doctor by reading books. I'm sure he needs to like, go to college or something to become a doctor, like Santana's dad, though. It's like a never-ending game of House with Cathy and Chris as the parents, and pretty soon, they hit puberty.

Cathy grows breasts and Chris accidentally perves on her while she's admiring her naked self, gosh, this is veering into NC-17 territory, is this alright, Mrs. H? Olivia sees them and calls them 'sinners'. Because of this, their grandma stops bringing them food so the children experiment with vampirism. Chris offers his blood to his siblings. Weird shit.

Time passes and then their mom returns with a new husband in tow—referred to as a 'trophy' husband—you know for a family of religious nuts that the Foxworths are they sure have no qualms marrying trophies, haven't they?

Weird shit happens again. Cathy and Chris are becoming sexually attracted to one another. I don't think I can finish this book. I mean, I do a lot of stuff with San, but I just can't read about two siblings getting it on. Sorry Mrs. Haggy, but I'm too drunk to finish it now.

Need I say it again? Weird shit.

(P.S. I really hope I get an F for this one, as in F for FIERCE. And I'm really fierce for giving this book a try. xo )

ETA: Oops. I didn't mean to post this here. But people have already commented. So there.

( 56 comments – Post a new comment)

SatanLespez: Britt, those books are pretty intense.

TotSexual: Hey Quinn, how's Yale?

*FiercePresidentPierce changed his/her username to ItsBrittanyBitch*

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Yale is in Connecticut right? It doesn't make sense. Why would anyone connect something only to cut it afterwards?

*SatanLespez changed his/her username to ImBrittanysBitch*

-ImBrittanysBitch: Aww, Britt, you'll always be the President of my heart. And no, I don't agree with Kiki. I'm not the hottest bitch. I'm the luckiest bitch 'cuz I'm dating the hottest person in the planet. :)

-ItsBrittanyBitch: And you're my First Lady ;) Always. I wish you'd get your perfectly round ass here soon. I miss you :(((

-ImBrittanysBitch: I'm sorry baby, but I'm really busy right now. I promise I'd make it up to you as soon as my sched allows me. Love you. Always.

StripperBieber: Ha! You're so whipped!

-Puckusaurus: couldn't agree more biebs! haha

Brittbrittfan: Where's Question the Queerios? Sad panda. :(

-ItsBrittanyBitch: You could post all your questions here! I was supposed to post a video of Fondue for Two with me and Kiki but idk what happened. I think there was some techno burnout thing. Imma have to reshoot the whole thing.

-StripperBieber: Have I ever told you you're so adorable?

-ImBrittanysBitch: Hey Fish Lips, consider this a warning. A little birdie told me you were canoodling with Brittz during that snoozefest of a victory party at BreadStiX. Hit on my girl, and I'd be sure to hit you on the crown jewels and I'm sure there won't be any Trouty fingerlings in the future, we clear?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Calm down San. I'm pretty sure even if I kiss Sam, he won't turn into a prince. I've done that right? During Rachel's trainwreck extravaganza. He's always going to be froggy lips, and you're already a princess ;)

Quinndependent: I'm good, Cedes! Thanks for asking! Btw, replying here cos the thread you started got overtaken by Brittana sapfest. Not that I'm complaining, they're cute.

KittyPerry: Brittany is so gentle I doubt she could tear her way out of a paper bag. I wonder what she had in her that had attracted Santana Lopez as a fly to a shit.

-ImBrittanysBitch: Crack a joke about my girlfriend again, 40-year old virgin and I'd crack your arthritic bones!

-KittyPerry: I'm HALF a virgin, thank you very much.

Chase1243: Question for Brittany: Why do people say grow some balls?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: I tried that. Planted some ping pong balls in my yard, watered them every day, but nothing happened. None of them grew.

-AtTheCrossRhodes: That saying has always baffled me. Balls are weak and sensitive. If you want to be tough, grow a vagina. They can take a pounding for sure.

ImBrittanysBitch: If it weren't for those damned Cheerios uniforms, I might have scored myself a Vogue intenrnship.

-Totsexual: Fitting. The Devil Wears Pride flag and Cossack hats.

-ImBrittanysBitch: I am not that gay yet, Wheezy!

-Porcelaine: That's another great title for a musical, 'Cedes!

WholeLottaZizes: How do you know if you're unpopular?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: People get your e-mail, not to add you on Facebook, but to send one of those chain messages with horrifying consequences. Uh, I think?

MaribelLopez: Mija, what's this about a sextape that was repeatedly mentioned in the previous articles?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Mrs. L, that's just the video of Lord Tubbington and Charity engaging in relations of a sexual nature.

-Quinndependent: You totally sounded like Berry for a moment there, B.

-ImBrittanysBitch: Si, she's gonna submit it to National Geographic. They're really interested in Lord Tubbington. And his affairs with the members of the female persuasion.

-ItsBrittanyBitch: True dat.

-ImBrittanysBitch: Word. :)

-IAmKatieFierce: Wasn't that the time I saw you two going at it like bunnies?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Katie, stop saying things like that!

-ImBrittanysBitch: We were acting that time!

-IAmKatieFierce: What were you acting huh? The plot of a bad porn movie?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Katie, you're 10! You weren't supposed to know those things!

-TotSexual: Wow.

RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: A New York breakfast of bacon and eggs with Finn! I haven't had eggs in a long time that I've forgotten their heavenly taste!

-Porcelaine: A moment of silence for your veganism.

-ItsBrittanyBitch: But you've always had eggs right? Even when you were dating Finn? And now, Kurt had mentioned to me that you were sorta seeing this Brody guy.

-FrankenFinn: ...

-Porcelaine: Oops.

-RachelBerryGoldStar4ever: Your mind is always in the gutter, Britt. It's no wonder you failed senior year.

-ImBrittanysBitch: Oh no, you didn't! I am booking myself a flight to New York right this moment! And with the kind of neighbourhood you live in, nobody's gonna think twice about the horrific murder of a big-nosed Barbra Streisand wannabe from hell!

-ItsBrittanyBitch: I was gonna say, 'Calm down, San' but that's really hot.

StonerBrett2012: A poor rat was sat on by a cat. It died. Who was the cat?

-ArtieDaBadassMC: Lord Tubbington.

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Artie, you know Lord Tubbs? And Brett, LT can't do that. He's afraid of mice.

-ArtieDaBadasaaMC: Of course, I always saw him hanging around your room back when we dated, remember?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: We dated?

-ImBrittanysBitch: Legit cackling right now!

PhoebePierce: Peace. Love. Rock 'n Roll. We're checking out this nudist colony in Tribeca. You want to come with us, B?

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Mom!

-ItsBrittanyBitch: Oh, you mentioned Tribeca? I think San would like to come with you!

ImmaSickDuck: Thx 4 last nyt Blaine. I admit, the experience was kinda bland. But I guess I shoulda expected that, Blanderson.