AN: Sorrryyyyy! Yes, I realize that this is more than a little late. But let me tell you, life gets in the way. Having biology, chemistry, calculus and french in one semester is making it hard for me to balance writing anything (seriously, even diary entries are lacking). But I haven't gone anywhere, and I am definitely finishing this story, even if it kills me.
Disclaimer: No, I am not Yana Toboso-sama therefore no, I do not own Kuroshitsuji.
Please enjoy! Read and review! Love you all, you guys are the best! Also note that when Ciel is trying to say something.
Chapter Seven: Hallucination
"Young master, you've had plenty of time to rest. I'd appreciate it if you came back now," a silken voice teased.
Come back? What are you talking about? I never left.
"Young master..." the voice dwindled, stopping. The warmth of an exhale danced along the surface of my skin, leaving a pleasant sensation behind. It was prolonged by the intensity of a shiver that worked its way through my body. A hush followed, the weighty silence threatening to shatter the world if anything were to break it.
Then, finally, the same voice as before spoke. I was relieved at first, until I noticed it.
"Please," he breathed in an almost exasperated whisper, an odd tremor disrupting it so slightly that I would have missed it if I weren't adept at listening to his speech.
This voice is... this voice does not belong to somebody who cares. So why, then, was he pretending he did? I can commend him for his considerable talent, his farce could fool me if I didn't know any better, but must he put on this act even when we are alone? Did his demon aesthetics make it necessary to behave so perfectly all the time? Regardless, his words didn't make sense to me. Someone new must be around, forcing him to keep up pretenses, because this scene is unlike any I've seen before.
Sebastian, I'm fine. Now why on earth are you...What the hell?
Taking in my surroundings, I noted that nothing was there. The absence of light was an inescapable void no matter where I looked. Mustering my strength, I tried to pry my eyes open. Nothing. In attempt to shake off the darkness, I became fully aware that they weren't the only things I lost control of. The rest of my body had also seized up, leaving it numb and heavy.
"You'll wake up soon enough."
Sebastian? Where am I? Why can't I move? The last time this happened, the last time darkness enveloped me was...
Instantly, I was in a room of unwanted caresses. Each touch scraped my skin, exploding like a coal mine on contact. Again I could hear them; their voices coarse with urgency, their satisfied grunts, the distinct 'slapping' of skulls meeting the ground. I could feel it, too: the jerking thrust, the tender bitten flesh, and fingerprint bruises. Just when I thought they were finished, more came in their place, hungrier than the last.
No, please! Not again! Don't let them...
I wondered what made them so hungry. What happened to them that would make hurting me lessen their burdens? The thought was tossed and turned in my head until I realized I didn't care. I was not the monster here.
They pin me down and I tell myself not to feel. But closing my eyes only increases the senses, making the newly seared insignia throb for days. And although I am there, I'm not really there. Instead, I see myself scream for mercy until my throat tastes like copper. I watch the way they claw at me, how they engrave their sins onto a child too weak to open his eyes. I keep my mouth shut as they busy themselves with another, and in my humiliation I can only wait until they decide to feast on me again.
Yet I revel in that pain because it reminded me that underneath it all, I was still alive. I knew by now that there was no way to shut down. I was meant to go through this agony. But... what have I done to deserve this when I went to church every Sunday, and said a prayer each night? My mother told me that, that was what I needed to do to be saved. Then why has no one come for me? What blasphemy did I commit that justified dehumanization, to have suffered in the way I have? Be grateful to the life I was given, they said. But if I did not choose this life, shouldn't I be able to give it back?
Kill me, so it will end. Make it stop! No more, please, no more. Kill me, kill me, kill-
I was interrupted by warm hands that enclosed around mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. My first instinct was to deny it. After all this time, why seek intimacy in the middle of disgracing me? But this touch was familiar and provoked no fear, and the voice attached to it was almost soothing to hear.
"Young master..."
Ah, this voice. This voice is his, pulling me from the furthest recesses of my mind. It saves me from unlocking that door which consumes me, attacking me with those persistently vivid memories. There is nothing to be afraid of, now, because Sebastian is here. Sebastian will always be here. I can hear him, he is with me. I am not alone anymore. I am not confined to that cage.
Ha. Someone must think this a joke. The demon who will eventually kill me has become my solace. Who knew that the one I once feared would become the one I turn to in need?
When all is said and done, it was not God who saved me. I was left in the hands of child murderers, who held in low regard the value of life. My innocence was ripped from me, stolen the same way valueless objects are, along with any hope of leaving that place alive. During the times when my only option was to submit and dissociate, he was there. When the only thing I could accomplish during those hours of being repeatedly used was to mask any emotion, he gave me the will to push forward. When my desire to live waned, he restored it. God did not come to my call. Sebastian did.
Yes, he is a spiteful and uncaring creature who is confined to this world as a sentence for his sins. However, how am I to believe that the devil is 'evil' when the devil came to me when I required help? How can I do anything but praise him when he is the one bringing me justice, and not the most high? I can feign religious belief in public, but never will I pray to a God again.
When did fear become hate, or hate turn into curiosity? In those circumstances, I suppose it is normal to grow some form of attachment. After all, the majority of these three years was spent in proximity with each other, and yet I have learned nothing about him. So when my hate subsided, and I forgave him for taking advantage of my vulnerability, I couldn't help but question why he was still here, after all this time. His very existence is shrouded in mystery, but whenever I asked him anything, he would never give me the answer I was searching for. His responses were always encrypted with underlying messages or equivocations that never gave me insight on anything.
Eventually I grew tired of asking him about minor details like whether he ate or slept, or what his true form was, or even if he hunted for souls while I slept, and my thoughts wandered to a time before we met. This is only natural, since he rarely spoke of anything that didn't involve the contract. Surely that would be enough to pique anyone's interest. This, I assume, was when it all began. I was so wrapped up in his past, that I grew more conscious of him as a person rather than just a servant.
When did intrigue become more than that? Maybe around the same time these queries started popping in my head, even when he wasn't around, or when I noticed that my eyes followed him wherever he went, or the strange way I felt bothered whenever his attention was not on me. Or perhaps, it was the moment I caught myself hanging on every word he spoke and feeling somewhat disappointed when he stopped. When did I realize that love and hate are two sides of the same coin, so often mistaken for each other? Ah, it must have been that time.
During a party Elizabeth threw me, I saw him slip out of the room while everyone else was having a splendid time. In his absence, my mind was consumed by him. What was he doing, leaving me? I knew he would return soon, but that didn't stop me from getting anxious. It was suddenly too much not to go after him. So, after excusing myself, I found him in the kitchen with little remnants of cake smeared all over his fingers. The fact that he thought to make one both pleased and baffled me. Why would he make it if he didn't care?
Then everything made sense. He has conformed his life to fit me in ways that I need. Even his physical appearance is similar to my father's so make me feel at ease. Whatever he is, is because he has made himself for me. He saved me and became my protector, my teacher, my butler, and fulfilled whatever I lacked parentally. As a result, he is who I consider the most important piece in my games, someone I would admittedly be lost without. But he doesn't serve me out of fondness. He does it because it is merely part of the contract. Everything he does is so that when the time comes, my soul will be of the quality he has been waiting for. From the very beginning, he was only doing what he was summoned to do, and since then, nothing has changed.
He is bound to the contract we created. The way he keeps me company, or amuses me, or remembers everything I enjoy, the way I sometimes catch him staring in the corner of my eye, or how he stays by my side at night...the warm cups of tea I drink when he thinks I need a break, the way he leans in so close and brushes his hand past mine, the gentleness I have come to know...every act of kindness is a lie. So, anything I have deluded myself into thinking cannot be true, because demons can't feel, can they?
Of course not. I was being foolish. In any case, even if he was able to reciprocate those feelings, it would be doomed. Just being together, staying like this should be good enough for me. These feelings aren't real. Ultimately, we have been using each other and therefore he should mean nothing more to me than any other, rather skilled servant should.
I am only attached to him because I spend most of my time with him. It's a different attachment for Elizabeth as well. Of course, I love Lizzie. Ever since that day, she became the only family I have left. She is the innocence I have lost, and so I will protect her from the cruelty of the world which she has yet to enter. I will not lose anyone else. I go along with whatever she wants me to do, not because it is part of my duty as her fiancée, but because I never want to see that smile of hers leave her face. If ever it does, it will mean that I have failed my duty. Her status and power don't matter. She is overbearing at times, but she means well, and I allow our relationship because she is important to me. In the end, she is the only one who truly cares for me.
Her love, however is lost on me. Not only am I one of those abhorrent creatures I aim to shelter her from, but that emotion means nothing to me. Love is not what pushes be forward.
Yes, Sebastian might not love me, but he reassures me that I have something worth living for. My life can't be meaningless if a demon plays part in it. He will be everything I need him to be. This, to him, is only part of his job. Love is not a factor, it is never a thought. It is something he can only feign because he is physically incapable of feeling. So he deceives humans and mocks them when they reciprocate it.
It's possible he even laughs at me behind my back. Truthfully, the only thing that binds us together is the strength of our contract, and anything I think he feels are only feelings which I have pushed upon him. They are not real. They will never be real.
"He's like your guardian angel, isn't he, young master? Whenever you're in trouble, he swoops down and saves you," was something Mey-Rin said a while ago that stuck with me. Sebastian, an angel? I laughed at the irony of white feathers and silvery robes, but there was some truth to her words. The same contract he abides in, allows him to save me when I am in harm's way, and deep down, he really was more angelic than...
Angela... That's right. So that's what happened to me. I remember, now. I was waiting for him to return with the other servants, when suddenly, I heard a crack of a whip, and the carriage started moving on its own. I poked my head out to yell at Sebastian for not warning me, when I saw that it was Angela who had control of the reigns. The last thing I remember was her revealing herself, and telling me that she would 'cleanse my filthy soul'.
Everything after that comes in short, confusing segments. Angela told me to let go, to forget all the bad that happened in my life. As if to persuade me further, she showed me images of my parents. It was tempting to forget everything, to go with them and lay revenge to rest. But then I heard him. What made me reclaim my memories while I was under Angela's spell was his voice. I realized that I couldn't leave with them just yet. It wasn't time to cast aside my hatred, not when there was a contract left to fulfill, and especially not when Sebastian was calling me. It was a ridiculous notion, but going and never being able to see him again was something I could not do. I couldn't forget... I can't forget him...
And then, I dreamed. I dreamed a peculiar dream where I was both myself and someone else. For I was still me, but in another body, place, and time. The currency was still in terms of bartering, and the name Phantomhive had not yet come into existence. The only true similarity between those lives, was the invisible person who had always, somehow, found a way to help me. No, I never saw it, but whatever it was, I had fallen deeply in love with it. Foolish as it might sound, I called that creature my guardian angel. And even with the uncertainty of who it was, something about it reminded me of Sebastian.
Ah, yes. His velvety voice led me back to him once. I'm sure if I follow it a second time, I'll be able to wake up. Right, these hands...these hands will bring me to him. If I can just grab hold of his hands...
"...sorry," he said so quietly that I thought I was still in my delusion. Yes, if I go towards his voice...
There was a rustle of sheets, and I quickly found the source of the sound. The dim light made me a little disoriented, but I was able to make out the radiant being that was kneeling by my bed. He looked down on me earnestly before he shot up, quickly releasing my hand. Half bewildered, and seemingly half relieved that I had woken, he quickly composed his features.
That was when I knew. I never sought human contact. The contact I did crave was just not human.
My eyes adjusted to what I identified as my own room. It was already nighttime and outside was dark and solemn, the sky still starless. I glanced around Sebastian, but no one else was in the room.
"Young master?" His face was glowing brilliantly, despite the fact that his self grooming was not up to par with his usual standard. The hair on one side of his head flared out and his top button was undone. What had him so distracted in my absence?
"Sebastian..."
"Yes, my Lord? How are you feeling?"
"I think I have a headache," I groaned.
"I will get you some medication and tea right away," he replied, abruptly moving to the door.
"Wait!" I yelled after him. He stopped and faced me, eyes glossed with worry. I wasn't sure why, but even the thought of him leaving made me feel restless.
"How long...how long have I been asleep?"
"Nearly four days," he answered, and his eyes flashed as if he was mentally scolding himself.
"Oh..." My eyes traced over his finely sculpted jaw and the compulsion to touch his face washed over me. We stared at each other for a while, eyes meeting, neither willing to look away.
"My lord, you have just woken up. Why don't you rest? I will be right back."
"Alright... I suppose I am hungry," I agreed.
"Very well, sir." He turned to leave once more, but I stopped him a second time.
"Sebastian..."
"Sir?"
I didn't really have a reason this time, aside from not wanting him to go. So, I asked the first thing that came to mind.
"What time is it?"
"It is..." he pulled out his pocket watch to check. That was strange. Sebastian always knew the time of day, no matter where we went. "A little past ten o'clock, sir."
"I see..." was all I could say.
"Master, if you don't mind me asking, do you remember anything that happened?"
I shrugged and became distracted by the sight outside the window. There was no moon tonight, it seemed.
"Vaguely. I remember Angela and memories of the previous head of Phantomhive...why do you ask?"
"No reason," he shrugged. He gave me a polite smile and excused himself at last.
In less than a minute, he was back with a tray of warm potato soup and chamomile tea for my headache. The soup was creamy and as delicious as always, not that I would ever admit that to him. I ate slowly, blowing the liquid in the spoon before placing it in my mouth so that it wouldn't burn my tongue. In the corner of my eye, I saw him watching me. He stood silently at the foot of my bed and waited until I finished eating, before collecting the dishes.
He left for another moment and while I waited for him, I dozed off into a light sleep. Even in my unconsciousness I heard him reenter the room. He chuckled when he saw me.
"Asleep again, are we? I guess it can't be helped. Now wait here, my Lord. I have business to attend to." He made his way over and tucked the covers around me.
Sebastian? I tried to say, but was overcome by the heaviness of my eyelids, the beckoning of sleep. What business did he have? Did he really have to go? Couldn't it wait until...Ha, it was true, wasn't it? I must have figured it out a long time ago, but saved myself from admitting the embarrassing and utterly unbelievable fact.
However, the moment I saw him, I knew the inevitable truth was not something I could run from anymore.
Sebastian, I love you, I said before my dream swallowed me up and brought me to a world so different from the present.
It was a place filled with so much happiness that I could not ask for anything else. Why? Simply because in that hallucination so far out of my reach, Sebastian was there to tell me countless times how much he loved me, and that that I would never have to be alone again.