Snow White : Mass effect 2 version.
Chapter Seven.
They were strong, they were beautiful, they smelted good the sand ...
For their virtue and their glory, they captivated audiences.
The good, the brave and pure hearts, in unison followed their adventures in the firmament of beloved souls, their name shone like a holy fire !
"Wow !" said everyone
"What a wonderful definition !" replied Garrus the fake prince.
"Holy sh*t that was great !" said Jack.
"We are bad-ass." said a proud Grunt.
"I couldn't have say better." nodded Tali the real prince.
"I could have, because I'm perf-" proclaimed Miranda.
"Shut up, we know." answer everyone beside Miranda.
OH NO !
"Uh? What? What's wrong?" asked everyone.
IT'S YOU GUYS AGAIN!
"Who else do you think it is?" asked a confused Tali.
"Why the long face?" also asked Garrus.
Because I'm in the wrong story THAT why and I gave the wrong introduction !
'sigh' Nevermind I will give the right one this time. Let us start all over the beginning.
The numskull team continued their stupid expedition to save a transvestite princess.
"Ah...Yes...It is a change indeed..." said a disappointed fake prince Garrus
"The tone is really different." said Grunt.
"I liked the other one better." said Tali the real prince.
"You're not the only one." said Jack.
"To have epicness and then pathetic...it really make me feel apathetic." replied Miranda.
...
...
...
"The way she just said that...it really sounded perf-" said garrus the fake prince.
"Don't encourage her !" interrupted Jack.
Anyway...It was evening so they had to find a suitable place to sleep.
"Ah but I know a famous place where we could find a room or two for sleeping until tomorrow." stated the fake prince Garrus.
"Are you sure this place is really safe and hygienic?" asked a septic real prince Tali.
"Of course! Who do you think I am? It's worthy of royalty ! Trust me, trust me !" answer fake prince Garrus.
The old tavern known as the "Sewer Rats lewd" offers many amenities...And NOT that sort of amenities (keep your mind and soul clean if you please).
After an evening of songs and several foods of low quality, our heroes decided to spend the night without incident, in the cozy warmth of a mattress infested with fleas and cockroaches.
Our brave comrades back on the road in the morning, heading now towards the former lost forest of warm mucus for a trip of lots of kilometers through the countryside.
"Never more!" relied all the females of the group.
"The place was nice." Said Grunt.
"But I told you that it's all the stupid innkeeper's fault!" Said the fake prince Garrus to defend himself.
" But you **** weren't forced to tell him that his beer smelled and tasted like sweat." replied Jack.
"And it wasn't necessary to shot him in the leg with your sniper." replied The real prince Tali.
"And it wasn't necessary to broke his imperfect furniture." Replied Miranda.
"That is just a few unnecessary details." sigh fake prince Garrus.
"Being attacked by several drunk guys and a innkeeper is an unnecessary detail?" asked the real prince Tali.
"And why did we ran away? We should have fight them!" exclaimed Grunt.
"Hell Yeah." approved Jack.
"We don't have time for that, we have to save Shepard quickly so we can go home as soon as possible,...Beside I have to do my perfect hair." said Miranda.
"I have to repair the drive core of the Normandy." said Tali.
"I have some adjustment to do." said Garrus.
"Yeah right Garrus...admit it, you just want to adjust your hair too which isn't really hair by the way." accused Jack.
"What? ! That is a lie ! ...And beside those are my real hair !" Garrus defended himself.
"Your 'hair' looks more like a bird's butt. No need for gel on it. It stay that way." Said Grunt with a small chuckle.
"Now that you mention it..." replied Miranda.
"DON'T SPECULATE ON MY HAIR !" yelled The fake prince Garrus.
"Anyway, we should be on our way. To the forest of warm mucus and I can't believe I said that." said Tali.
And so our heroes traveled a few kilometers toward the former lost forest.
On the way.
"You know we really should consider to have a name for our group..." began the fake prince Garrus.
"...The one you have chosen in the end of chapter six is out of the question." finish the real prince Tali.
"No, this time we will chose together because we are an epic team!" said proudly the fake prince Garrus.
"Yeah! Beside the old man in the tavern said that it was important for a group to have a fu**** kick ass name or else it would make us...what was the word he said?" said and asked Jack.
"Moronic." answer Miranda.
"Yeah! That !" replied Jack.
"But why is it so important?" asked Grunt.
"Because every single heroes elsewhere has a name except US ." said the real prince Tali.
"That is bull sh*t." Said Grunt.
"No it's not, it's useful so we can be famous and have more cash-I MEAN- more friends goo-d friends..." said Jack rather nervously.
"Famous? We are just saving a princess who is a man and who has been captured by a little twerp who think he is god. How could this make us famous?" asked a septic Miranda.
...
...
...
...
"Uhm..."Nervous fake prince Garrus.
"Well..." Unsure Grunt.
"-cough-" Evasive Jack.
"I-I'm sure that the author won't let us down on that matter, she surly will find us a real purpose for this parody. Right miss author?" said and asked the real prince Tali.
Silence...
"Author?" asked everyone.
Beep.
You are on the author's voice mail, if you have a message for me please push the bottom 1.
"What the ****?" cursed Jack
Beep. (Tali the real prince pushed the bottom 1)
Answer : Ah yes, the 'messages' I have dismissed that claim long ago. If you have more of those, please be aware that it will be erased. Bye.
Beep. ( End of the voice mail)
Silence...
"It seem we have been dismissed..." said Grunt.
"BUT that will not make us give up!" said an energetic fake prince Garrus.
"And we will be really famous." Said the real prince Tali.
"Yeah like that you will be the 'moronic' famous." said Jack with a hint of sarcasm.
"HEY !" Said everyone beside Jack.
"Should I remind you that you are with us." replied Miranda.
"Oh sh*t." cursed Jack.
On a few kilometers later...
"How about the ' Avengers'?" proposed Garrus.
"Huh?" asked everyone.
"See? We are all avengers ! Tali with the geth, Jack with Cerberus, me with Sidonis, Miranda with Nick, and-"
"I didn't avenge anyone." said Grunt.
"Oh ****." Said Garrus the fake prince.
"And beside we don't need to be more EMO freaks than we already are." said Jack.
"EMO FREAKS !" proposed Garrus.
"NO !" answer everyone except Garrus.
Still on the way...Until they hear someone asking...rather yelling for help.
"AH PLEASE HELP ! I AM UNDER ATTACK !" said the person in need.
"Ah? someone needs us..." said a calm Miranda.
"Finally some fun ! Charge-" said Grunt and Jack.
"Wait." interrupted Tali the real prince.
"Now what?" said Grunt and Jack.
"We need to be organized." replied Tali and Garrus approved.
"We have to be strategic."
"Hey do I have to remind both of you that it isn't a Neverwinter Nights or Star wars Knight of the old republic game !" said an irate Jack.
"Yeah ! We are in mass effect 2 version ! We charge, shoot and hope for the best !" approved Grunt.
"I hate to admit it but they are right on this matter." replied Miranda.
"Still we can't just go there and do reckless fighting." argument the real prince Tali.
"Beside the guy who handles the special effects is on a vacation." said the fake prince Garrus.
And the author, in word 'I' don't want to explain to the readers all the small details of the fighting.
"Uhm...You know...I am still in danger while you are talking." said the person in need.
"Shut Up!" said everyone.
"I guess we don't have much choice...We have do to...The Final Fantasy combat system." stated Miranda.
"The most boring combat system? !" asked an horrified Jack.
"Are you nuts?" asked Grunt.
"It's the only way, beside it's not so bad and it's a really popular game." explained Miranda.
(Grunt and Jack are disappointed)
(Tali and Garrus could care less)
(Miranda perfect win)
So let us start the fight to save...?...BLANCHE? ! the sneaky neighbor? !
"You really took your time, didn't you?" said Blanche.
You can't die anyway...for now...
"What?" asked Blanche.
Let us start the fight.
MUSIC !
(Final fantasy combat music : ON)
Team...uhm...without name...
"EMO FREAKS !" said Garrus.
"For the last time...NO !" everyone except Garrus.
VS...five bandits + Boss of the bandits.
Grunt attack bandit N°1 : special attack : head butt.
Result : bandit N°1 K.O
"Too easy." said a victorious Grunt.
Tali and Garrus attack bandit N°5 and N°3 : normal attack both.
Result : Bandit N°3 shot by shotgun has no more head and bandit N°5 shot by sniper in the chest. Both enemies are K.O .
"No need for special attack with weakling like this." Said Garrus the fake prince.
Miranda attack bandit N°4 : special attack : Boring talk about perfectness.
Result: stat of the enemy : insane.
Finish move: Awesome slow biotic attack that crush the bandit skull. Epicness !
"The perfect taste of my perfectness." said Miranda.
"Cut that sh*t out !" said everyone except Miranda.
Jack attack bandit N°2: special attack : Biotic choc wave.
Destructive result : bandit N°2 and the boss are K.O and sent at the end of the planet.
"Oops...sorry." said Jack.
"HEY ! We were supposed to kill the boss together !" replied an angry Grunt.
"I said I was fu*** Sorry. What more do you want?" answer Jack.
End of the fight, the sneaky neighbor is still alive...barely...
"HEY!" said an outraged Blanche.
Sorry.
"So who are you Mrs.?" asked Garrus.
"My name is Blanche, the next door neighbor of the royal palace. I am on a journey to avenge my husband and save princess Shepard from the horrible transvestite."
"Transvestite?" asked everyone except Blanche.
"Wait...the one who kidnapped Shepard was the Biotic god hunter..." said Tali the real prince while thinking.
"Do that mean...he is a..." said without finishing fake prince Garrus.
...
Silence until...
"EEW ! GROSS !" said everyone except Blanche.
"I don't ever want to know what is behind his suit...or her...or whatever." replied Miranda.
"Do we really have to save Shepard from ...that thing?" asked Grunt.
"We don't have much choice since it's part of story...ARGH this is fu**** disgusting !" cursed Jack.
"Oh so you are all here to save our princess too? I would like to join the group if possible."
"Okay." said Garrus and Tali.
"Wait! Are you sick or something?" said Jack
"Why?" asked Garrus
"It's a nice old lady who has the same goal as us." replied Tali.
" We know nothing of this old woman and you want to hire her ? Without checking her background and without visiting a proper vet? you're mad ?" asked Jack.
"If it is about my skill, I assure you that-" said Blanche.
"And what skill do you have anyway." interrupted Jack.
"I can cook."
"Okay, you can come."
"That was quick." thought everyone except Jack.
And so they continued their way to the former lost forest of warm mucus with their new companion Blanche.
What kind of nonsense is going to happen next?
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN
"By the way what is the name of our group?" asked Blanche.
"Oh Sh*t" thought everyone except Blanche.