Total Drama Outrage
Chapter 7: The Fishing Knight of Wawanakwa
Wawanakwa Police Station (AKA the Girls' Side of the Screaming Fans Cabin)
"Right now, there is a dangerous criminal on the loose, hiding out on this very island," Stacey paced back and forth as she spoke, her arms clasped behind her back. "He's wanted for Kidnapping, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, Attempted Murder and Escape from a Correctional Facility."
"You know the Brig isn't really a correctional facility right?" asked Sandra, "It's just one of Chris Mclean's sick jokes."
"It is a location intended for the detainment of certain individuals and he escaped from so I don't care," said Stacey, "the important thing is, I'm planning an operation to storm his last reported location_"
"Last reported location?" inquired Alice, "Larry hasn't been let out if the boathouse for days, why would anybody reporting on his location when it's so obvious?"
"My police terminology is lost on you," Stacey informed her smugly, "now be quiet before I charge you with fraud. As I was about to say, this very day I am planning to raid the boathouse and finally bring the deranged criminal known as Larry to justice."
"Good for you my dear, I'm sure the capture of such a dangerous felon will do your career a great deal of good but I'm rather more concerned about getting to breakfast," said Cynthia. "If I've been following the schedule correctly I'm of the opinion that a challenge will take place today. We'll need all our strength; Chris will most certainly be itching to eliminate someone tonight."
"Breakfast!" Stacey practically shrieked the word in disgust, "you're concerned about breakfast!? I'm offering the chance for you to join the raid of the century here!"
"You mean go into the boathouse before you do in case Larry has created a murderous robot designed to decapitate anyone it claps its optical sensors on? Yeah I think I'll pass on that honour," said Sandra, turning her attention back to the chemistry textbook she was reading while lounging in bed.
"Going alone would be reckless endangerment," protested Stacey, "something you'd know all about little miss let's wake up all the killer robots at once. Surely you'll join up Cynthia? Or Alice?" There was no response from either of the girl's Alice had started meditating and Cynthia was edging towards to door. "Fine! I'll find recruits elsewhere!" The aspiring police officer stormed out of the building, slamming the door loudly behind her as she left. Cynthia looked as though she was about to leave as well but then thought better of it, deciding to wait for Stacey to get out of the area before leaving the relative safety of the cabin.
"Why would she charge me with fraud?" Alice asked suddenly, cracking one eye open to gaze over at Cynthia.
"I think it might have something to do with the whole psychic thing, you know how you suddenly claimed to lose your powers and all that? She thought you were running a scam," explained Cynthia patiently.
"Correction, she never had powers," interjected Sandra, not looking up from her textbook.
"You never had powers," observed Alice.
"Yeah but I don't run around claiming to be psychic."
"I never run around."
"Fine, walking around claiming to be a psychic."
"Thank you, that's much better."
"Are you serious?"
"I'm always serious."
"I hate this cabin, I really hate it."
Seedy Gambling Den (AKA the Boys' Side of the Screaming Fans Cabin)
"And I win again," announced Chance, sweeping a large number of poker chips over to his side of the trunk they were using as an impromptu poker table. "What were the odds of me getting such a perfect set?"
"Pretty damn unlikely," groused Marshall, as yet another round was adding to his steadily growing losing streak. "I don't know how you're doing it but I know you're rigging this game somehow."
"Frankly I'm offended, how could you accuse an honest man like myself of being a lowly cheat?"
"Quite easily if you_" at that moment Marshall was cut off as the door practically flew off the hinges and slammed into the cabin wall. In the next instant Stacey had burst in like that was a perfectly normal thing to do. "The hell!? You can't just barge in here."
"Actually I can, as an officer of the law I reserve the right to partake in an unannounced entrance for the purpose of catching criminal activity. As evidenced by the blatant gambling going on in this room, I'm well within my rights. But you can redeem yourselves by joining me to raid the boathouse and see Larry arrested for his crimes."
"Fine, you know what? I will play along with your demented raid plan, pointless as it is I'll get more out of than playing card with a cheater." Marshall threw his useless cards down and walked over to a startled looking Sandra. "Well then, are we going on a raid or not?"
"Uh…yes! Um follow me, no wait, I'll follow you…" the two bumbled out of the cabin leaving Chance to pack up the poker game.
"Gee thanks Stacey," grumbled Chance, "I was just about to break my record winning streak too."
Back at the Girls' Side of the Screaming Fans Cabin (It's only a police station when Stacey is there.)
The Girl's side of the cabin was still much the same as it was when Stacey left it, with the exception of Cynthia's absence after she had gone off to get breakfast. Alice was still peacefully meditating on her bunk bed and Sandra was still curled up with some light reading so neither of them had any warning when a thunderous knock hit the door. Unfortunately the sole purpose of that knock seemed to have been to give the girls a false sense of security because the door hurtled open without anyone asking permission to enter. Donovan strode in without any sort of hesitation and looked right at Alice.
"Green haired one, tell me if you have had any premonitions of doom recently. It is of vital importance, my whole purpose on this island may be called into question."
"You can just call me Alice you know," she told him, "and no, recently I lost all of my powers suddenly in the dead of night so I haven't sensed anything."
"That is answer enough, Green Haired One; I must speak with Chris Mclean!" Donovan whirled about and exited the room as abruptly as he had entered it, leaving a stunned silence behind him.
"Yeah, good luck with that!" Sandra eventually called after him, "man that guy is a weirdo, how does a bunch of psychic nonsense change his purpose on the island? He's just here to torment us so we get 'stronger' or something like that."
"Perhaps a great evil has been released on this island, a dread force like none have ever seen before," intoned Alice darkly, "or Donovan just had a nightmare, take your pick."
The Boathouse
"Dude, where's my plane?" demanded Chris, having made yet another inspection of Larry's 'project' and finding nothing done. "It's been days man, why haven't you built me an awesome plane yet?"
"Maybe because you've locked me in the freaking Boathouse without any proper tools or materials!" snapped Larry, "how do you expect me to build a plane out of dusty fishing rods and a bucket of worms!?"
"Beats me," Chris shrugged, "I'm not the guy that escaped a fishing trawler, reached an abandoned island then built a robot army."
"I stole equipment to pull that off!"
"So, then break out of here and steal some equipment."
"You've posted Sasquatchanakwa outside!"
"You forgot the man eating sharks chained into the nearby waters," Chris added helpfully, "should make it pretty hard for a prison break."
"Oh please who is going to break me out_" he was interrupted by Stacey shouting just outside the boathouse.
"Sasquatchanakwa! You are under arrest for obstructing justice, down on the ground!" her request was followed by a primal roar and an almighty thump.
"Scream of pain incoming in five, four, three, two, one…" just as Chris predicted, there was a piercing scream of pain. What he didn't predict was that it would be Sasquatchanakwa screaming. There was a series of muffled thuds before the entire front wall of the boathouse was smashed inwards, Sasquatchanakwa flying through it. Chris caught a brief glimpse of Marshall in a martial arts stance before the rest of the building went down.
"I think the reasonable force act covers that," announced Stacey, "I'll just give you a caution for the property damage though."
"Thanks, I think," replied Marshall, "but we sort of have to dig Larry out of there now before he can be arrested."
"No need!" Larry burst out of the rubble, laughing evilly and holding a can of what looked to be deodorant. "I didn't build Chris a plane, but this shark repellent I made should come in handy!" Before anyone could stop him, Larry dove into the water and vanished from sight. Miraculous the sharks circling the area not only left him alone, but outright fled in the other direction, straining against their chains.
"Suspect is on the run!" Stacey was shouting into her radio, "requesting immediate backup!"
"Is there anyone on the other side of that radio?" asked Marshall, "because_"
"I've course there's someone on the other side! I gave it to a girl I found wandering outside the Killer Critics cabin. She looked tough." The identity of this girl became immediately apparent when a series of confused barks was the only response Stacey got out of the radio.
"You gave the other radio to Wolf," Marshall shook his head, "there's no backup coming."
"Interns!" Chris emerged from the wreckage of the boathouse, covered in splinters and coughing up clouds of dust, "get Sasquatchanakwa to the medical tent! I think he sprained his ankle!" he turned his gaze over to look at Stacey and Marshall before speaking once more. "Could you have done the prison break while I wasn't in the boathouse? First you take days to break the guy out and then you have the worst timing ever!"
"Uh, you wanted us to break Larry out?" asked Marshall.
"Of course! The guy keeps trying to kill you with robots, it's a great ratings boost and lessens the number of challenges I have to think up. Speaking of challenges, I've been delaying until you freed Larry but now it's going to take even longer because you messed up my hair!" Chris stormed off to find his makeup crew, leaving an astonished Stacey and Marshall standing on the dock. Stacey eventually groaned and massaged her temples.
"Hey, next time we try and arrest the guy, could you not punch Sasquatchanakwa through a wall?"
Confessional
Sasquatchanakwa: is wearing a bandage over his head as he holds up a picture of Marshall and growls menacingly, drawing a finger across his throat.
Outside the Killer Critic Cabin
Despite the fact she wasn't getting any sort of response out of it, Wolf was still barking inquisitively into the radio Stacey had given her, pausing only to shake it around wildly and hold it up to her ear. She was still doing this when Heidi exited the Killer Critics cabin and came over to see what Wolf was up to.
"What've you got there Wolf? Have you been stealing stuff again? Everett's still annoyed about the origami thing you know." Wolf barked in protest and held out the radio to Heidi who took it curiously. "Does this thing work?" Wolf just shrugged so Heidi tried speaking into it. "Heeeelllllooo, anybody home?"
"Wolf! You figured out how to speak English?" Stacey's voice suddenly replied, evidently she'd been ignoring Wolf's persistent barking.
"No, it's Heidi, why'd you give Wolf a radio?"
"Heidi! That's police property, return it to my designated deputy immediately or I'll_" Heidi casually hurled the phone over her shoulder and right into Donovan's path. The hulking boy snatched out it of the air moments before it struck his face.
"So once again you attempt to kill me? What is this? An explosive?" he asked.
"Oh yeah, it's totally a bomb," Heidi drawled, "Let's just stand around talking about it until it goes off." Luckily Donovan's ability to detect sarcasm wasn't put to the test because Stacey's voice burst out of the radio once more; suggesting it probably wasn't a bomb at all.
"_send you to jail for a long time! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no bomb," Donovan said grimly, "your trick has failed, this just a communication device for that foolish girl who thinks she is an agent of justice." He turned around to look at a suspiciously shaped rock that almost certainly had not been outside the cabin earlier that morning. "Stop following me paranoid one!" he snapped, hurling the radio at the 'rock'. There was a yelp of pain before Everett tried to untangle himself from the grey cloak he'd been hiding under; Donovan used the distraction to stalk off.
"I don't trust you!" Everett shouted after him "stop scheming you maniac!" he found the radio that had been thrown at him and held it up to his ear.
"_Stealing police property! You're all crooks and lunatics! You better return that radio right away or so help me I'll_"
"Stacey wants this radio back," mused Everett, "she has a ponytail, Maria has a ponytail, therefore they must be in league and giving the radio to Maria is exactly the same as returning it to Stacey. Maria! I've found Stacey's radio!?" Maria poked her head out of the cabin window but immediately had to duck back inside as the radio came soaring through the window.
"The hell Everett!? Why would I want Stacey's radio?"
"Because you both have ponytails?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" Everett paused at this and took a closer look before slapping his forehead angrily.
"Sorry I just realised that your ponytail is way longer than hers, forget I ever said anything," Everett hurled his grey cloak back over his shoulders and slunk off in the direction Donovan had departed in.
"Trust me Everett, I'm trying," Maria sighed and decided she may as well figure out what going on with this radio, she spoke into it and cut Stacey off mid rant. "Listen, I don't know anything about how your radio was stolen but you can come over to the Killer Critic Cabin to collect it."
"If you think I'm going to walk into such an obvious trap you're sadly mistaken! You bring the radio to me, and come alone too!"
"Oh for pity's sake no one here is setting up a trap for you, Donovan and Everett already filled up the paranoia quota on this island don't you know?"
"Don't compare me to those two! And I don't trust anything you say; you're using illegal cybernetic modifications!"
"Ok so we're going to accuse me of being a cyborg now? So not giving your radio back now."
"Maria your negotiating skills are terrible," observed Lauren from where she was sitting on the other side of the room sketching. "Maybe I should talk to Stacey instead."
"Go ahead," Maria tossed the radio over to Lauren, "I haven't even left the cabin yet and I'm already drowning in lunacy this morning."
"_You can't steal police equipment!" Stacey had resumed ranting, unaware that the radio had been passed on once again. "You have a moral duty to return this radio."
"Really? That's strange," Lauren said dreamily, "I thought you owned the radio, not the police."
"Maria? Did you use your mods to change your voice!? What the hell is going on in there?"
"I don't know, I was drawing a picture of a dolphin, do you want to see it?"
"No! I want my radio back!"
"Where are you?"
"Near the Dock of Shame."
"Do they serve food there?"
"No!"
"Oh, then I'd rather not go there, I'll get someone else to bring it over instead," without waiting for Stacey's presumably enraged reply, Lauren thumped loudly on the wall separating their side of the cabin from the boy's side. "Matthew! If you're finished writing hate mail to everyone you know could you deliver a radio to the dock of shame?"
"Nowhere near finished!" Matthew called back from the other side of the wall, "but I could use a break to think up more reasons why I HATE Donovan, give me a second."
"Oh great nice of you invite another loony around here," said Maria, "I'll just make myself some breakfast before Chris announces something stupid." Maria opened the cabin just in time for Matthew to burst in and then nimbly darted around him, leaving the room right as he entered. If Matthew thought this was bizarre he didn't show it.
"It's an actual radio right?" he asked. "Not a person, because if it's a person that makes it an escort mission and I HATE escort missions in every freaking game! When the pathfinder isn't getting the person you have to protect stuck against walls the AI has them run right into a mob of enemies and they get killed in like five seconds and you have to start all over AGAIN!"
"You know, I don't think video games are improving your anger issues," Lauren told him, "and yes, it's an actual radio."
"Good, so it's a courier mission then, is it one of those stupid ones with an outrageously low time limit or a ton of annoying obstacles though?"
"Um, the longer you take to deliver the radio the angrier Stacey will get if that's what you mean by a time limit."
"Ha! I do not fear anger, I am ANGER!" Matthew laughed hysterically as he snatched the radio from Lauren and bolted out the cabin door. Judging by Heidi's shocked shout and Wolf's reproachful yelp he nearly barrelled into the two of them as he hurtled off towards the Dock of Shame.
"What's his hurry?" asked Heidi, "I haven't seen anyone run that fast since I started giving out autographs." Wolf somehow managed to look at Heidi with an expression that was the pure embodiment of 'oh really?' "Don't look at me like that, it's not my fault I'm not that popular in whatever forest you live in, other people still want my autograph."
Near the Dock of Shame
Since Marshall had left some time ago to help the interns with transporting Sasquatchanakwa to the medical tent, Stacey had been standing alone by the Dock of Shame ranting into her radio without any reply for some time now. Despite her numerous threats of imprisonment and claims that everyone on the island was a criminal her radio hadn't been returned yet but she wasn't giving up her methods. "I don't care if you're a cyborg or a lunatic or a gangster you'll never the light of day again if I don't get my radio back ASAP! Do you hear me!?" Strangely, Stacey's voice appeared to have an echo because after she spoke into the radio the words were repeated from a nearby location. "Sound distortion now? Anymore illegal equipment you creeps want to use? I'm going to_"
"You don't have to speak into the radio anymore, it's right here," Matthew told her, strolling up and handing her the radio. "Did I complete the mission or what? I HATE having to redo missions!"
"The mission? Oh wait! You're a vigilante right!? You had to fight off a bunch of criminals to get this radio back to me."
"Hundreds of them," bragged Matthew, who'd actually just had a minor run in with a few particularly angry squirrels. "It was a battle like never seen before, shame you missed it."
"Yeah, I was really busy arresting Sasquatchanakwa at the time," lied Stacey, "I sort of managed to throw him through the Boathouse wall by accident."
"Good. I HATE Sasquatchanakwa just I HATE Donovan and I HATE Larry!" Matthew paused for a moment as if working up courage before blurting out, "thanks for stopping Larry from killing me or something that was cool."
"Uh, no worries, just doing my job," Stacey trailed off into an awkward silence that was thankfully interrupted by Chris' voice booming out of the loudspeakers. It was probably the first time in history that anybody was glad to hear from the demented game show host.
"The announcement of today's challenge was ever so slightly delayed by SOMEONE collapsing the boat house on my head and crippling a native inhabitant of the island," started Chris, "In other news, Larry has escaped once again and will most likely be planning to kill you all horribly at some later date. Anyway, onto the important business, I need all of you filthy peasants to attend a village meeting beside Lake Wawanakwa. Oh, and if you are particularly attached to your limbs I wouldn't stand too close the water," Chris broke off to laugh hysterically for several moments, "see you there!"
Confessional
Heidi: Filthy peasants? Where does he get off calling me that? I mean Larry and Donovan, sure, call them filthy peasants all day for all I care but calling me a filthy peasant? That's just plain offensive.
Cynthia: Judging by Chris Mclean's word choices, I'm fairly sure we will have to suffer through a particularly odious themed challenge this time. Just think how dangerous the last challenge was and that was unscheduled, Chris has had plenty of time to plan this one.
Donovan: So Larry has escaped once again? That is good, no doubt he will challenge us again and we will all grow stronger. Unfortunately the other campers do not understand my plan, the paranoid one is becoming a nuisance, as is the enraged one. I believe they will soon align themselves with the red haired one in her efforts to destroy me. I am not afraid.
Everett: Is still disguised as a rock and doesn't say anything
Alice: Oh dear, I think Everett has decided to become a wizard, he's been wandering around with a cloak on all morning. I wonder why he hasn't asked for my advice yet?
Stacey: Finally someone on this island thanks me for selfless efforts to fight crime. A lesser officer might have given up after seeing how this island is populated almost slowly scammers, thugs and lunatics but I'll keep fighting to bring justice to Camp Wawanakwa!
Chance: Why aren't I surprised that Larry managed to escape? Even with Marshall helping out Stacey is pretty much guaranteed to stuff up her 'cases,' just glad I didn't get dragged into it. I'll get my winning streak record eventually.
On the shores of Lake Wawanakwa
When the campers arrived on the shores of Lake Wawanakwa they found that the floating platform that Chris often lazed about on was conspicuously absent. In fact Chris wasn't even hovering around on his jetpack like the ground wasn't good enough for him today either. He was standing by the edge of the lake dressed up as a knight complete with plate armour and a plumed helmet. Unfortunately said helmet reduced his visibility to the point that he stood there for several seconds unaware that the campers had arrived before a camera man finally shouted at him. Chris muttered sourly and proceeded with the slow process of turning around to face the contestants while dressed in heavy plate armour. "Salutations!" he called out, but it was so muffled and distorted by his helmet the contestants just heard a sort of choking gurgle.
"Is he dying?" asked Lauren, "because I was just thinking that armour would be great to use in one of my art projects." With an irritated growl Chris wrenched the visor of his helmet up and glared at the assembled campers.
"Could you slackers get here any slower?" he demanded, sweat visibly pouring down his face, "this armour is heavy as hell and I feel like I'm getting oven roasted in here!"
"We wouldn't be so lucky," muttered Maria, much to the amusement of those around her.
"We'll see if you're laughing during the challenge," Chris warned them, not that he could have done anything else, seeing as he could barely move in his armour. "Now before we start, I'm going to tell all of you a story from_"
"There is no time for this Mclean," interrupted Donovan, "a great danger is approaching this island and we must_"
"Ha! Who told you about that? The dangerous stuff all got delivered by the pirates yesterday. Interns! That was supposed to be a secret operation! You think you'd notice an ogre like Donovan was watching you unload crates of_"
"I'm not talking about the challenge, you have awoken_"
"Yeeaah could do your loony talk some other time? I'm trying to start a challenge," Chris wasn't interested in hearing Donovan's story; he wanted to tell his own, start the challenge and then relax with a latte. "Now as I was saying before I was interrupted, a long time ago in faraway and mystical land, there was a small fishing village populated by filthy uneducated peasants. Now things were sailing along smoothly in this village until one day the fleet of fishing boats was attacked by a savage monster of the deeps, a fish as long two men and just as wide. The king heard of this monster and brought a mighty army to the village," Chris paused and gestured to Chef who standing off camera dressed up as a king and the man grumpily stomped over to Chris and recited his lines.
"Fear not villagers, I have brought my best knights to slay this beast, go forth and kill that aquatic punk!" Chris frowned at the part about killing an aquatic punk but continued his story all the same.
"The knights took to the water and attempted to slay this mighty fish but none could stand against it, partially because they couldn't' walk on water," Chris paused again expecting laughter but resumed when it was apparent that nobody found it funny. "One by one the knights were all slain by the beast and the king believed that all was lost. Thankfully, a heroic and handsome villager sailed out on his small fishing boat and miraculously managed to lure the fish into a giant net and drag it back before the king. The king was very impressed by this…"
"Uh yeah," Chef struggled to remember his lines, "you have proven far mightier than my own knights and thus I knight you," Chef tapped Chris on his armoured shoulders with a cheap prop sword. "Arise, Fishing Knight of uh, Small Fishing Village."
"And all the villagers cheered with joy," finished Chris, glaring at the gathered interns until they managed some half-hearted cheering. Cynthia clapped enthusiastically for several seconds until she noticed the other contestants were all staring at her incredulously.
"I beg your pardon, is it not polite to clap at the end of a show?"
"That wasn't a show," said Marshall, "that was Chris injecting heroin straight into his brain this morning and forgetting what the hell a challenge is."
"Shut it loser!" Chris tried to advance on the martial artist but he barely made it one step in his armour before he just gave up. "Today's challenge is based off that wonderful story; just yesterday I imported in a delightfully deadly variety of aquatic horrors to this island and dumped them in Lake Wawanakwa_"
"These marine horrors presumably came from the sea, Lake Wawanakwa is fresh water so you've probably killed all of them," Sandra told him, "nice one genius."
"Nah, I didn't get them from the sea, there'll all freshwater monsters that make the brain eating amoeba at Lake Okoboji look lame. Anyway, just like the heroic villager in the story, the peasants of Wawanakwa, that's you losers, will attempt to capture your own sea monster. Because I'm feeling generous you'll be working in your teams instead of alone like it was in the story."
"I'm sorry but I refuse to take the life of anything," Alice told him, "I will harm neither monster nor man."
"Yeeaah about that, people are already pretty mad at me for that whole squirrel massacre thing Matthew caused so you won't be killing anything today," Chris pointed out two new platforms with square holes in them extending over the water. There are tanks below each of those, one for each team, with an open side to allow your water monster entry. Once you've got one inside, simply pull the lever located on the platform to close the tank. First team to successfully capture a monster wins the challenge."
"Do you seriously expect us to just dive into the lake and swim around until we find a monster?" asked Chance. "Because I really don't like our odds of just grabbing a sea monster and hauling it into a tank and then escaping before we close it."
"Nope, I've helpfully provided both teams with the nets, oars and the materials necessary to build a raft," he pointed over at two haphazard piles of wood and rope. "I will decide which member of the winning team was the most responsible for the monster's capture and name them the Fishing Knight of Wawanakwa and they will receive a very special reward. Now hurry up and build your rafts already! I need a latte, Interns! And someone get me out this armour before I die, this isn't fun people!"
Killer Critics Raft Building Site
"Donovan you twit we're supposed to be making a raft out of that," snapped Maria as Donovan picked up a sturdy plank of wood and wandered off with it.
"I will sharpen this into a weapon," he told her, "if you wish to battle monsters of the deep with a few nets that is your choice."
"We're not allowed to kill anything though," Lauren said, "that's sort of the whole point of the nets and the tank."
"My plan is far too complex for the likes of you," sneered Donovan, "you will see soon enough," he cast his eyes over to where Everett was huddled by the pile of wood shivering violently, "or maybe later seeing the work ethics around here are severely lacking."
"It's so cold," muttered Everett between chattering teeth, "I can't believe how cold it is here, are we in the arctic?"
"What the hell man, it isn't cold, I HATE it when people complain about the weather," announced Matthew, "like, you can't do anything about it so why bother?"
"Nah it's nothing to do with the weather," Heidi assured him, "I just bet Everett he couldn't eat that whole tub of ice cream last night and his brain is still frozen now. That's why he's been running around all morning dressed as a rock."
"I wondered why there was no ice cream left for my breakfast, I HATE it when people eat all the ice cream!"
"Ice cream isn't a valid breakfast anyway," Maria told him, "now can we please focus on building this raft sometime before the world ends? Find the best bits of wood and get them side by side so we can bind them together." Everett, who now seemed to have developed a nervous twitch in his leg on top of everything else, found a twig in the pile and inspected it curiously.
"Can we use this for the raft?" he asked, "it looks lightweight."
"I don't think you could fit six of us on that," Lauren told him serenely, "but you're welcome to try."
"No he isn't," Maria said exasperatedly, "can we have useful suggestions only please?" she took the twig off Everett and hurled it over her shoulder. The motion caught Wolf's eye and girl bounded off after the twig, thinking she was playing fetch or something. Unfortunately, while she lost track of where the twig landed, Donovan was still skulking around sharpening a wooden plank with a rock and Wolf decided to steal that instead. Without warning she lunged at Donovan and grabbed the plank, starting a bizarre game of tug of war. Donovan swore and dropped the rock he was holding in order to get a better grip on the plank while Wolf snarled and growled at him.
"Enough beast! You have animal strength but it will not help you here," Donovan wrenched the plank out of Wolf's hands and proceeded to hold it high over his head. Wolf persistently started jumping up and down trying unsuccessfully to reach it. "One of you call her off, I don't have time for this." Maria looked expectantly at Heidi, who was probably best on the team at telling Wolf what to do. The red haired girl suddenly became extremely busy with the process of building the raft and pointedly ignored everything going on around her. Maria heaved a sigh before giving off a sharp whistle to get Wolf's attention. The wild girl's stopped what she was doing and turned around to look at Maria questioningly.
"Leave Donovan alone and come over here," Maria told her, "actually we need to discuss who's going to remain behind to operate the tank lever so you better come back over here as well Donovan." Wolf bounded back without hesitation but Donovan paused to check whether his impromptu spear was sharp enough before lumbering over to join the rest of his team. Lauren, Matthew, Heidi and Everett were still working on cobbling to the raft together so Maria figured they could keep working on that while she spoke her piece. "Listen we need some reliable back on the platform to close the tank once we get a giant fish in there. Do we have any volunteers?" Of course, pretty much everyone bar Donovan, Matthew and Wolf probably would have loved to stay back on shore but before any of them could voice such an opinion Everett had a sudden violent twitch in his neck, his head snapped to one side.
"Ugh, I think I just gave myself whiplash," he groaned, rubbing at his neck. "Hurts like hell."
"Ok, anyone other than Everett?" tried Maria.
"I'll stay," offered Heidi, "I can pull that lever like a pro when the time comes."
"You can't do that!" insisted Matthew, "you're really violent, we need to fight the giant monsters."
"I'll take that as a compliment," Heidi told him, narrowing her eyes suspiciously, "and not as a negative comment about my personality."
"Is irritating as the red haired one is, Matthew is right in saying she is dangerous and that is useful now," Donovan agreed, "Let the artist stay on shore." Maria rolled her eyes and decided just to go along with that proposal just to stop an argument from starting.
"Whatever, provided that Lauren is ok with that and won't start day dreaming or something."
"Oh no that's fine," Lauren beamed enthusiastically, "I'll be far too busy watching you all fight sea monsters to start day dreaming."
"Strangely I don't feel overly comforted by that," muttered Maria.
Screaming Fans Raft Building Site
It was a widely held belief amongst the Screaming Fans that their opponents the Killer Critics were crazy at worst, incompetent at best. That belief was certainly reinforced when they could all easily observe two of the Killer Critics fighting over a stick while a third was twitching around like Chris was constantly blasting him with electric current. Cynthia shook her head in disapproval as she leaned comfortably on her cane.
"Our opponents display quite outrageous behaviour despite being in the middle of a challenge," she observed coldly. "One might think they aren't taking this show seriously."
"What gave that away?" Chance asked sarcastically, "Donovan's serious but only because he thinks he's on some sort of bizarre mission to make us all stronger. He thinks he's immune from every vote because the winner won't be worthy unless they beat him."
"Yes well if he gets to merge we'll just boot him immediately to prove him wrong," Sandra said distractedly while she drew a complex diagram in the dirt, "can someone check my design plans? I need to be sure I'm minimising resistance to motion but the hull has to be reinforced too or else the first monster to so much as sneeze at us will crack our craft in half."
"I hate to point out the obvious but we only have a bunch of wooden planks and some rope," pointed out Marshall, "why the hell does your diagram look like your designing a battleship?"
"B4!" Alice called out randomly, "oh, sorry I thought we were playing battleships. That game sounds much more amusing now that my powers are gone; no one seems to have brought the game along though."
"Ugh, could we keep the lunacy to a minimum please?" asked Sandra, who was now being forced to make some serious revisions to her design plans. "I'm sure you were supposed to be a member of the Killer Critics."
"Oh no, there's far too much negative energy on that team," Alice assured her, "if I went near Everett and Matthew I'd be drowned in a sea of rage and fear. No offense to them, but their energies are way out of whack."
"Matthew isn't so bad," protested Stacey, "it's just that the injustices of the world have driven him into a fury. Some days I feel the same."
"Some days?" asked Chance, "cough, illegal gambling, cough."
"Don't push your luck you greedy scam artist!" shouted Stacey, "Let's see you play your gambling tricks when you get thrown in isolation."
"Yeah ok those two are a match made in heaven," interrupted Marshall tiredly, "can we just hurry up_"
"I don't think so, such rage would doom a relationship," advised Cynthia, blatantly interrupting Marshall, "a couple should always speak to one another with complete respect for a relationship to work."
"Oh because that's so likely," scoffed Chance.
"I'd rather that you didn't insinuate that I am foolish, I have the best education money can buy."
"This is ridiculous," Marshall groaned, "can we please just get away from these demented conversation topics and just build our raft? Sandra, have you fixed you design yet?"
"Of course, in light of recent revelations about our severe lack of materials I've cut down the number of harpoon guns from ten to five. It was silly having more guns than we could possibly fire anyhow."
"There won't be any harpoon guns, look," Marshall grabbed a second stick and drew a huge cross over Sandra's design. "I don't know why you keep going on about how ridiculous Alice is when you draw science fiction rubbish like this in the middle of simple challenge. "
"This is science, it can't be ridiculous!" protested Sandra, "All the harpoon guns in the world don't compare to prancing around the camp making psychic predictions and offering cheap advice to anyone who stands still long enough."
"I don't prance," Alice corrected politely, "we went over this already."
"Yeah? Well your hair is still dyed green!"
"You wear safety glasses in the absence of dangerous chemicals."
"You wear wizard robes despite the fact there's no such thing as magic!"
"And you wear a lab coat while we are not in a laboratory or conducting any sort of experiment."
"Really there is no need to argue in such a fashion," Cynthia cut in, "we must act civilised and work as a team."
"Plus if you don't shut up I'll have both of you arrested for Disturbing the Peace," Stacey added harshly. "I'm the law around these parts."
"Ah, good old Officer Stacey, reasonable as always," Chance joked, "will they get thrown in isolation as well or do you reserve that for illegal gambling scam artists?"
"No, they can go in general population," Stacey told him, "you'd just get sent to isolation because your scams are a danger to other prisoners. Even if they are criminals they deserve not to have other crooks conning them out of their possessions."
"That's nice, now if you clowns are finished threatening each other I have drawn a proper diagram this time around," announced Marshall, "one that actually makes sense."
"It's just a wonky rectangle with some squiggly lines running across it," complained Sandra, "how is that better than mine?"
"I didn't say I was artist, and it's better than yours because it looks like a raft and can actually be made without a platoon of military engineers on hand."
"Fine, but it's really boring doing this challenge without any proper science, last time I got to throw acid at killer robots," grumbled Sandra, "I suppose Greeny Mcpacifist will be staying behind on the platform? Since she doesn't want to risk hurting the poor little sea monsters."
"If by Greeny Mcpacifist you're referring to me," started Alice, "then yes, I would like to stay back on the platform but only if that's fine with you. I understand you might be a little scared to go out on the water."
"As if, I'm not afraid of some overgrown guppies!"
"Here we go again," said Marshall, "anyone feel like building a raft? Nobody? Fine, I'll just build it myself, no worries."
Confessional
Lauren: I'm rather glad that I get to stay on shore, the monsters are one thing but I don't trust Donovan with that spear. He's up to something dangerous, I can just tell. Oh and do you think I should paint the water blue or green? Or maybe greeny blue?
Sandra: So the others wanted to build a BORING raft, at last I'll get to examine some mutant aquatic life forms, that might make up for it. And by the way, wearing a lab coat and safety glasses is nothing compared to wizard robes and green hair!
Chance: We had enough trouble just getting the raft built; I can't imagine how the hell we're actually going to catch a monster. I suppose Sandra is probably going to try and design a super net or something.
Everett: is wearing his rock disguise like a blanket so cold, have to fight the monsters in my head, no in the lake he twitches violently and falls out of view.
Matthew: I HATE sea monsters! I'm going to destroy every single one of them. Uh, I mean catch one of them so we win the challenge. Sorry got a little carried away there.
Cynthia: I'm quite fond of some peaceful fishing trips every now again. Something tells me that this will be just a bit different though.
Edge of Lake Wawanakwa
Having shed his heavy armour and quenched his thirst for expensive lattes, Chris returned to the lake side to observe how the challenge was proceeding. While he had been 'busy' the interns had constructed him a makeshift wooden fort which he was now standing on the battlements of while he surveyed the contestant's progress. As far as he could tell the rafts looked mostly finished but neither team seemed overly eager to go monster hunting. The Killer Critics at least had their raft on water and were testing whether it would hold all their weight while the Screaming Fans still had their raft resting on the shore while they argued about last minute modifications. "It's about time this challenge got started, oh Chef, would you be so kind as to give the Killer Critics a push start?" Chef emerged from the trees pushing the infamous giant mechanical fan ahead of him.
"With pleasure," he chuckled evilly and flipped the on switch, unleashing a powerful gust of wind in the direction of Killer Critic's Raft. The water rippled out in waves as the raft, six members of the Killer Critics aboard it, was propelled out towards to centre of the lake. Chris gestured for Chef to cut the fan before smirking at the camera.
"Let the games begin!"
Out on the Lake
The sudden gust of wind threw the Killer Critics into a maelstrom of chaos, the whole team losing what little organisation they had in the first place. Lauren was nearly knocked off the platform entirely, forced to grasp at the lever to stop her fall, sending the tank crashing closed with nothing inside it. Out on the raft everyone came perilously close to toppling into the water where, disturbed by racket, a seething mass of dark shapes was moving below. While most of them scrambled towards the centre of the raft the moment they were able, Matthew was still filled with an unfathomable rage against sea creatures and remained at the edge, striking at the water with his oar.
"You think I'm scared of you!" he roared at the water, "come up and face me!" There was a flash of silvery scales and bristling teeth and suddenly half of the oar was missing. Heidi took the opportunity to seize Matthew by the edge of his hoodie and drag him away from the edge.
"We just need to catch ONE!" she shouted in his ear, "don't bring the whole lot of them over here!" An angular fin emerged from beneath the waters as the creature it belonged to made a beeline for the raft. "Now look what you've done, someone net that thing or something."
"Net that thing?" Maria asked incredulously, "it doesn't work like that; how the hell do we use a net against something like this?" She never found because the creature suddenly dove beneath the raft and rammed up into it from below, shaking the whole thing precariously. Everett fell to his knees and started babbling some strange chant while Wolf let out a panicked howl and skipped around him. Back on shore Lauren was desperately trying to push the level back into its original position but the thing the mechanism appeared to have broken when she fell against, trapping the tank closed. Not that her teammates were likely to bring a sea monster back anytime soon anyway, things were not going well for the Killer Critics as the moment.
The commotion out on the lake was finally enough to snap the Screaming Fans out of their argument and for a moment they all just stared at the chaos before realising they were supposed to be out there too. "Sucks to be them," muttered Chance, "how about we wait over here until they rile up a few more monsters and then just slink over there and grab one of them from the edge of pack? Preferably a smaller one if possible."
"We can't just wait here, we've got to get out there and do something!" Marshall insisted, the boy apparently uncomfortable with the idea of leaving the other team to their fate.
"By the looks of it they won't be able to hold out much longer anyway," commented Sandra, pointing over at where various 'things' were looming out of the water, beating at the flimsy raft while the critics ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. "If we want to use them as a distraction we better get this show on the water."
"It's unsporting to sit back and watch whatever demented denizens of the deep Chris has imported tear our fellow contestants apart, I agree, we must go out there," said Cynthia.
"You're all mad, don't tell me that any of you actually want to go out there any earlier than we have to?" asked Chance.
"Do it or I'll charge you with allowing the Occurrence of Grievous Harm through Negligence!" barked Stacey, starting to push their raft towards the lake water.
"Alice, standby the lever!" ordered Marshall and he and the others joined Stacey in pushing the raft; "we need to end this challenge ASAP before someone ends up dead!"
Fort Mclean on the Lakeside
"What a bunch of babies," scoffed Chris from the safety of his wooden fort, "Chef, is the original meat ball bazooka repaired?"
"Yeah, yeah, I fixed the darn thing Mclean; you shouldn't have let those pirates break it."
"Don't blame me for that! Anyway, if it looks like someone is about to die blast whatever's killing them with the bazooka ok? I'd rather not have to deal with ANOTHER lawsuit."
"You only want to intervene if they're about to die?" asked Chef, sounding a bit uncertain, "Shouldn't we immediately pull them out of the water if they fall in?"
"No way dude, footage of them thrashing around in the water will make the ratings skyrocket like you wouldn't believe! Now all this action is making me thirsty, Interns! Where's my latte!"
Back out on the Lake
For the time being none of the various monsters of the deep seemed to be making serious attempts to destroy the Killer Critics raft but it still wasn't overly pleasant being jolted around constantly. Despite their best efforts to stay away from the edge of the raft, no one was making much of an attempt to catch anything; critics were often coming within inches of falling into the water. After another ferocious bump Everett lost his footing and spun about like a whirling dervish, accidently flinging his grey cloak into the water. Seemingly forgetting that he had more important things to worry about, Everett lunged over and grabbed the end of cloak, trying to haul it back onto the boat. Of course because the critics were having the luck from hell today one of the water monsters had managed to get tangled in it and Everett was currently engaged in a wrestling match with some sort of primeval horror.
"This cloak possesses the power to turn me into a stone!" proclaimed Everett, "your fangs don't stand a chance." Just to prove him wrong, the giant fish sunk its teeth deep into the cloak while it tried to untangle its fins from the waterlogged fabric.
"Not the time for dungeons and dragons Everett!" shouted Heidi as she joined him in heaving back on the cloak, two of them managing to pull the fish close enough to the raft that Matthew could beat at it with his broken half-oar. Of course another bump at this point would have been disastrous, probably sending all three of them hurtling over the side of the boat to have a rather close encounter with the fish they were fighting. Thankfully the sea monsters had found something else to distract them from the Killer Critics and to be honest even they were starting to get annoyed by the sound of Wolf's constant barking and howling above them.
The Screaming Fans approached the scene on their own raft, which was for some reason larger despite the fact they had less members, and began pelting rocks they'd gathered into the water and splashing about loudly with their oars. This had the intended effect with many of the aquatic horrors heading over to investigate them instead and others deciding there was far too much excitement going on and descending back into the depths of the lake. It bought the Killer Critics enough of a reprieve that they could stop scrambling around the deck and actually try and capture the giant fish before it escaped from Everett's ridiculous stone camouflage cloak. "Thanks for the assist guys!" called Heidi, freeing one of her hands to wave at the Screaming Fans. "Now can we get a net over here?"
"Sure I'll_" Maria stopped dead when she turned around and realised that Wolf had made the curious decision to drape most of their nets over herself before rolling about the deck in an effort to tangle them as much as possible. "Wolf! Ugh, why would you do that now of all times? How are we supposed to catch anything with all the nets like that!?" Wolf just whined and when she tried to jump back onto her feet she failed rather spectacularly, horribly tangled as she was. Maria desperately tried to get one of the nets free of the wild girl but it was near impossible with Wolf howling and thrashing around, apparently she didn't like being out on water very much at all.
"Is this a bad time to tell you that tank is broken and I can't get it back open?" called out Lauren from back on the platform. "I tried to fix it but all I had were some hair ties and a blue pencil," she paused for a moment before adding, "but it didn't work," like that needed to be said. Maria gave up trying to untangle Wolf in disgust and pretty much gave up the challenge as an inevitable loss, as did most of her teammates. Donovan however seemed more determined than ever and waved his makeshift spear at the sky.
"The time of the ritual has come," he intoned grimly, while everyone looked at him like he'd grown a second head. "To shield this island from a great evil, I shall shed the blood of the deeps," Donovan lashed out with his spear, gashing the fish's side and sending blood trickling into the water.
"Donovan you complete and utter nut! We're not supposed to kill them!" shouted Heidi, letting go of the cloak in order to turn around and shout at him. Donovan completely ignored her and continued his strange ritual, supposedly to 'shield the island.' "Let it be as your blood, you are wounded by this place." Blood in the water had drawn many of the ferocious giant fish back around the Killer Critics raft, circling the trapped and wounded fish hungrily but Donovan wasn't finished yet. "Let it be that your blood is bound with the blood of a new comer, a stranger to these waters as you shall be to this island." With a sudden terrifying determination Donovan seized by one of her arms, extended it over the water and held the cutting edge of wood over it. That's when all hell broke loose on the Killer Critics raft.
Before Donovan had a chance to injure his teammate, Matthew cannoned right into him with a wordless cry, flailing about with his broken oar and the pair of them hurtled over the edge of the raft. Moments later Everett was in the water as well as the wounded fish wrenched itself free of the cloak, dragging both the boy and tattered ruins of fabric over the edge. The frenzied denizen of the deep swam a brief distance away before powering back to slam into the raft one final time, cracking it right in half. Maria and Heidi lost their balance and were pitched into the water to join the rest of their team. Wolf nimbly managed to remain on her section of the raft and started to desperately paddle it back towards the shore, difficult at that was when still was still tangled in nets.
"Forget the challenge!" shouted Marshall, throwing his net aside carelessly, "we need to get them out of the water! Chance distract that crazy fish with something!" While the others worked to move their raft towards the struggling Killer Critics, Chance picked up one of their spare rocks and pelted it right at the giant fish currently mauling the other raft. The monster was sufficiently distracted from its attempt to chomp through wooden planks and torpedoed towards the Screaming Fans raft instead. "I didn't mean bring it over here!"
"How was I supposed to know that?" snapped Chance, "you just told me to distract the damn thing!"
"Too late now, I wouldn't worry about it," Cynthia told them, somehow calm amidst the chaos as she extended her cane out into the water for Maria to grab a hold of. With Sandra's help the two of them were able to heave the dripping wet girl onto the raft while Stacey pulled Heidi up onto another section of the raft.
"That's two of them," said Marshall, "where'd the rest of_" the giant fish smashed into the back of their raft, sinking its teeth into the wood and refusing to let go. Marshall darted over to beat it back into the water with his oar but Chance reached out to stop him, another idea in mind.
"That's our fish! Let's get back to the tank why it's still latched to us and we can trap it and end the challenge!"
"No way, we can't just leave the others!" protested Stacey, "it's our duty to save them from being mauled to death by whatever monster Chris Mclean dumped in this lake!"
"Look, they'll be fine; they're getting back to shore on their own!" Chance was telling the truth, the remaining four Killer Critics out on the lake were making their way out. Wolf still had some of her raft left and was nearing the shore while Lauren had managed to throw a spare rope out for Everett to catch and was reeling him in like a fish. Even monsters of the deep seemed unwilling to bother Donovan and he was swimming back to the shore without being hassled. Matthew still had what was left of his oar and was using it as a floatation device while he kicked for the shore.
"Fine, then lets finish this!" Stacey said grimly and every one of them that had an oar put their backs into rowing for the tank. Seeming to suddenly realise something was wrong when the raft began rapidly moving once again, the fish tried to free its jaw from where it was clamped but Sandra quickly moved to cast a net over it, trapping it in place.
"I don't think so!" she crowed, "Alice, you better be damn ready to close that tank!"
"Is this going to hurt the fish?" asked the green haired girl as the raft rapidly approached, "because I won't allow myself to_"
"Hurting the fish is the least of our worries right now!" called out Marshall, "THREE, TWO, ONE!" The edges of the raft slammed against the sides of the tank opening and Marshall heaved against the fish with his oar, pushing it clear of the raft and into the actual tank. At the same time, his teammates heaved backwards with their oars, propelling the raft away from the tank. "CLOSE THE TANK!" Despite her misgivings, Alice wrenched the lever forwards and the door of the tank slid into place, sealing it closed. An alarm went off and lights flashed around the tank which seemed to be Chef's cue to do something because he hefted up the meatball bazooka and unleashed a barrage of flaming meatballs into the water, driving back the remaining sea monsters who were still circling around hungrily.
"Screaming Fans win!" announced Chris, bounding down from his fort looking far too cheerful about what had occurred out on the lake. "Yo Chef, pass me the sword, I need to knight one of them remember?"
"No can do, I gave it to the interns," Chef told him distractedly; the man was having way too much fun firing the bazooka into the lake.
"Is everyone in this place completely useless?" snapped Chris, "now I can't just knight someone and leave without knowing whether all the campers survived or not, Interns! I need that sword pronto!" The Killer Critics, bar Heidi and Maria who were still with the Screaming Fans on their raft, had made it back to shore where Lauren was currently telling them to imagine they had warm towels. Judging by the way they were still shivering furiously, it didn't appear to be working very well. At least everyone was mostly uninjured though, Everett had lost his cloak but it was a rubbish disguise anyway, he'd be better off without it.
"Sucks to be a Killer Critic right now," said Chance, "no offense to you two," he added for Maria and Heidi. Cynthia was inspecting the huge bite mark taken out of the raft where the giant fish had been latched on.
"None taken," said Maria, "after what happened out there it definitely sucks to be a Killer Critic."
"If we'd taken any longer to trap that fish it would have sucked to a Screaming Fan as well," she told them, "It might well have torn our raft apart too."
"I'm going to tear Donovan apart!" Heidi was fuming, practically steaming with rage now that she'd gotten over the shock of the events. "It's all that stupid jerk's fault with his crazy ritual from hell!" the red head jumped from the raft to the platform and began to storm over to where Donovan was standing slightly separate from his teammates.
"Oh hell Chris won't need to eliminate any of us because someone's about to die over there!" groaned Maria, "thanks guys, I've got to get over there!" Maria jumped off the raft as well and headed after Heidi while the Screaming Fans paddled the remaining distance to the shore and disembarked in a slightly more orderly fashion. Maria needn't have hurried though because she was only half way to her team when Heidi reached Donovan and furiously kicked at his shin.
"You idiot! You have no right to just grab someone and try to cut them open for some stupid ritual!" she shouted, "it doesn't make any sense, what the hell did you think you were doing!?" Donovan just stared down at her impassively in the face of her rage and answered in his usual flat tone.
"You would never understand the significance of what I was trying to do, had the enraged one not interfered this island would have been a much safer place."
"It will be a safer place when your crazy butt gets kicked off this island tonight and you'll be lucky if that's all that happens to you."
"I'm not afraid of you or getting eliminated tonight," he told her calmly, "I know it will not happen."
"Ugh you are so irritating! What is wrong with you_"
"Whoa, whoa and whoa," Chris interrupted loudly, "not that all the drama isn't great for the ratings and all but I've finally got the sword back and I'd kinda like to announce the rewards now."
"Ok firstly, did you say rewards?" asked Maria, "and secondly, if you actually want to give the rewards out they're bound to be crappy as usual. Because you'd never be happy about something that would actually be useful to us."
"Did I say you could interrupt me!? I've already told you that I don't like your voice."
"Too bad, we all ended up in a monster infested lake because of you so I think you can put up with the sound of my voice." Over with the Screaming Fans Stacey muttered something about cybernetic mods but thankfully Maria didn't hear her.
"Fine! Yes, there will be a second, previously unscheduled reward. In light of their heroic efforts, despite still failing abysmally anyway, I have a reward for the Killer Critics up first."
"I HATE consolation prizes!" raged Matthew, "it doesn't change the fact we lost!"
"I'm really sorry for breaking the lever by the way," interjected Lauren, "I feel really bad about it."
"Its fine," Heidi told her, "it was an innocent mistake unlike Donovan over here trying to kill me!"
"Oh yeah," Chris chuckled, "that was great, definitely glad I brought Donovan on this show, dude's crazy and the audiences love that kind of thing. Anyway, I figured there wasn't nearly enough drama on your team already so I may as well solve a little mystery that's been bothering you for a while, you might want to wake Everett up for this by the way." Chris gestured for a team of interns to wheel a television into view while Wolf prodded Everett with her toe as the boy seemed to have curled up into a ball and fallen asleep.
"Wha?" he slowly opened his eyes and looked up at Wolf, "don't turn me into a werewolf ok? I'm too tired right now." Wolf just pointed wordlessly at the TV screen until Everett turned his gaze over to it. "Oh, movie time."
"Movie time indeed," agreed Chris, "play the tape!"
The screen showed what appeared to be a feed from a camera in the boy's side of the Killer Critics and the footage was date stamped with a time early in the season. Donovan was apparently alone in the cabin because he casually went over to Everett's trunk and began rummaging through his belongings until he found a large wooden box marked SUPER IMPORTANT. Placing it on the floor Donovan opened the lid and the camera zoomed in to show its contents. On the underside of the lid was a sign that read Everett's Antipsychotic Medication and the box was split into a number of compartments, one for each day of the month with varying numbers of tablets and times of the day written in each one.
"This is weakness," declared the on-screen version of Donovan, "we shall see if these have any real power." He began to mess with the medication schedule, removing all the tablets from some sections and adding them randomly while also mixing up the times of day they were supposed to be taken. Donovan closed the box once he was done and put it back in Everett's trunk before the screen faded to black. No one quite knew what to say, least of all Everett himself, who was understandably in a haze of confusion after finding out he'd been taking the wrong dosages of medications practically since the day he arrived. Surprisingly, it was Lauren who finally broke the silence, just looking at Donovan in that serene way she had.
"Why would you interfere with a sick teammate's medication? He's been suffering all this time because of you and we never knew what was wrong."
"For the same reason I do most things, to make him stronger," Donovan answered simply, not at all disturbed by his behaviour being revealed. "Either he would perceive that his medication had been altered and turn his attention to more physical concerns rather alien nonsense or he would realise that the medication was not helping him and learn to live without it."
"Medical science doesn't work like that," said Sandra, "you can't just mess around with the chemicals in someone's head like that without provoking changes in behaviour and various side effects."
"He must learn to master his thoughts without the aid of psychiatric drugs or he will remain weak."
"HA! He is pretty pathetic," agreed Chris conversationally, "so Everett, what are you going to do? Fly into a psychotic rage and attack Donovan?" he suggested hopefully.
"No…I think I'll… I don't know," Everett shook his head as he could clear it like that and slowly climbed back upright before wandering away from the other campers without another word.
"You can still be eliminated even you don't turn up to the bonfire ceremony!" Chris called after him, "Now that I've managed to stir up even more ill will against Donovan and turn the Killer Critics into a ticking time bomb, it's time to announce our special Screaming Fans winner. Since only one of you seemed even remotely interested in completing the challenge at the end, the winner is Chance, come on up!"
"Gee, sorry we were more concerned about preventing injury and death," muttered Marshall, "guess we should have cared more about catching a giant fish."
"I'm going to pretend that no human being is so incapable of understanding how ratings work," Chris said sadly, "I mean seriously, injury and the likelihood of death just drive the viewing audience wild. Anyway," Chris paused as Chance reached him and lifted up the prop sword to tap it on each of the boy's shoulders. "I name you, Chance, the Fishing Knight of Wawanakwa and as a knight it is your place to judge the filthy peasants. That's why as your reward, it will be you, not the Killer Critics, who decides which of them will ride the boat of losers!"
"No!" shouted Heidi, "you can't do that! You've got to let us vote Donovan out tonight before he has a chance to wreck anything else."
"Too bad, it's up to Chance to decide who will be eliminated and we're not even going to wait until sundown. Critics, report to the bon fire pit, Fans, do whatever you want except for Chance who has to go to the confessional and vote one of the Critics out. See you soon losers!"
Confessional
Chance: This isn't an easy decision, there is obviously more than one angle to look at this situation. If I eliminate Donovan like the Critics want they might be open to allying with me once we get to merge so I can dominate the votes but I can't forget that this is still a team game now. Donovan's antics weaken the Killer Critics and make them fight each other so leaving him on the team would be better for the Screaming Fans. If Donovan stays and one of their useful players goes maybe we can just decimate the Critics before the merge anyway. I vote for_ the camera cuts away suddenly before he can finish speaking.
The Bonfire Pit: After Chance's Choice
"The vote has been cast," Chris told the seated Killer Critics, well at least those who were present, Everett obviously hadn't shown up since he'd left before the early ceremony was even announced. "All but one of you_"
"Having a bonfire while it's still bright feels stupid," interrupted Maria, "why'd you have to make the ceremony right now?"
"Because I don't like you, not one bit. Now as I was saying, all but one of you will receive an envelope of enraged hate mail. If you do not receive one, you must walk the dock of shame and ride the boat of losers to the brig where you will be imprisoned and NEVER EVER come back to the island. Alright, surprisingly I've got one for Everett, someone give that to him if you ever find that weirdo," Chris carelessly tossed the envelope towards the Killer Critics where Wolf eagerly snatched it out of the air like she was playing a game. "One for you Matthew, obviously Chance doesn't see you as threat."
"That rat! He should fear my rage!" complained Matthew as he caught his envelope and tore it into shreds.
"Lauren, you'll live to paint another day, Heidi, you get an envelope but that might not be a good thing since Donovan is probably going to kill you as part of some dark ritual." Donovan, sitting separate from his teammates, snorted at the suggestion and ignored Heidi's glare. "Wolf, despite the fact you have no idea what you're doing and probably don't understand any of this, you also get an envelope!" Wolf caught the second envelope and gave him a broad grin, evidently pleased with this turn of events. "I only have one envelope left, is this the end of Donovan?"
"It better be," muttered Heidi.
"The last envelope goes to… DONOVAN! Chance chose to eliminate Maria, finally! You have no idea how annoying that girl was."
"I'm right here you know," said Maria angrily, getting to her feet.
"Not for much longer! Now are you going to walk the dock of shame or is Chef going to have to drag you away?"
"I'll go, I'll go," said Maria tiredly, turning to face her teammates, "well I won't say that it's been fun but most of you were ok people in the end." Heidi jumped up and gave Maria a hug.
"I can't believe Chance would eliminate you instead of Donovan! It doesn't make sense."
"Maybe he thought she was the only one with any sanity and therefore the biggest threat on our team?" suggested Lauren as she walked up and hugged Maria as well. "I'll miss you."
"Remember this day whenever you need to rage," Matthew advised her, throwing a smart salute that Maria returned with a grin. Wolf didn't seem to know why Maria had to leave and whined sadly until Maria gave in and walked over to give the wild girl a hug.
"I'm not too late am I?" Everett emerged into the clearing looking oddly drained, "Chance told me that Maria was getting eliminated right now."
"It's true," Maria told him, "couldn't let me leave without giving me a hard time about being an android?"
"No, I'm sorry about that, I think a lot of things that don't match up with reality, I didn't want to offend you really," he tentatively extended his hand for Maria to shake and seemed surprised when she accepted and shook his hand.
"Sure you were annoying at times but you aren't a bad person, just a confused one, I hope you get better ok?" Everett nodded before stepping over to join his teammates. There was a brief silence before it became clear that Donovan was going to make no attempt to farewell her before Maria spoke again. "Thanks everyone, goodbye and good luck," with that she turned around and walked off towards the Dock of Shame.
"FINALLY!" said Chris, "that was BORING, now who will_?"
"Shut it Chris," said Matthew and as one the remaining Killer Critics stood up and left the clearing without waiting for Chris to finish speaking.
"What the hell guys, I need to do my ending monologue! Hey what's going on I_" the camera suddenly cut out and another episode of Total Drama Outrage came to a close.