Chapter 6: Rumor Has It
All of these words whispered in my ear,
Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear,
Just 'cause I said it, it don't mean that I meant it,
Just 'cause you heard it
-Adele
Margarita woke me with a sharp shake on my shoulder, pulling me from the bed as I opened my eyes. It took only a moment for last night to flood my memories and I felt my eyes fill with water.
"Don't cry. That won't help what you need to do today." Her voice was sharp as I collapsed onto the vanity seat, noticing my eyes extremely puffy and I knew I had cried myself to sleep. "At some point, you need to get over his death, and I suggest you do it now. The gossip has spread into the Capitol, just like everything has the rebels have played before has."
Her words stung as she brushed through my hair. "They aired that clip knowing what it would do to me. Haymitch must have known." It was the first moment I let my father's words to get to me, allowing myself to know Haymitch had betrayed me again.
"He also knows that you can put on a face for the camera and I bet he thinks you can do it for your father too."
I couldn't say anything else, knowing she would dare tell me no more. The closer and more power you have, the more you are in danger. She worked in silence as I tried to forget why I was awake at the crack of dawn, and what I had at stake.
"Alright, let's get your clothes on so you can get downstairs." I looked at my make-up in the mirror, seeing dark colors outlining the hardest curves of my face. In the reflection, I could see Margarita pull a blood red top out the color of my lipstick. She pulled it over my head and I wanted to pull something on to cover my up, the back wide open and a v- neck down the middle of my chest. I quietly took off my pajama pants for the white mini skirt and twirled in the mirror.
She had made me a seductress, the exact woman a tribute couldn't help but lust over. "Thank you." The words were soft and I wasn't a hundred percent sure I meant them.
"Go. Being late will only make things worse." I remained silent as I left the room, panic racing through me while I walked to his office.
"Morning, my rose." Except for the voice of my father the office was silent. Every muscle in my body tensed as I took in the almost empty room, only seeing one cameraman, my father, Tauro Broderson and Darren.
"Morning Papa." I knew his plan in a moment. A regular camera crew wouldn't keep me from making a scene, where as the difference from any other broadcast could keep me silent so I could stay on my toes.
"Miss. Snow." Mr. Broderson nodded his head in my direction. "I am very sorry about this lie the rebels concocted."
"It is no problem, Tauro. I am sure that in the next half hour this issue will be resolved." He nodded and Darren eyed me coolly. I couldn't look at him , or I would break. He knew, he saw right through me because I had been a fool and trusted him so long ago.
"Alright, the plan is that Tauro will make his usual daily announcements for the Capitol and then you will give a short statement about the air raid."
Mr. Broderson finished his address and my father waved me forward towards the camera. I walked slowly, breathing deeply.
Standing in front of the lens, I tried to remember the last time I felt this frightened. It was years ago, when Finnick claimed the camera was my friend. Hello. The imaginary voice was soft in my head. I hadn't done this in years.
"Did you miss me?" I imagined the cheers of Panem as I spoke and saw my father almost smile. For a moment, I could convince myself of what I needed to do. Then Thresh echoed in my ears. I wouldn't miss a moment of your face for the world. I'm always watching, my sweet. Stupid higher power, please hear my prayer and tell Thresh I'm sorry.
"Now, those nasty little rebels were not very nice to me last night." I smirked, shaking a finger in front of the camera. "Please, me in love with a District boy? How desperate are they now? Sure, I sponsored him, even truly believed he would win but I don't ever remember even talking to most of the tributes I sponsored. This is why it is so important we don't let the rebels win. You give them one gift and they think you are madly in love. I gave him some food, imagine what they would do if we gave them Panem!"
Out of the corners of my vision I could see my father gloating and Darren smiling with the smuggest expression he could manage. I wanted to be done, crawl back upstairs but I wasn't yet. I could hear my father's voice loudly in my head. Katniss better aim to convince me, that way she can't fall short for the Districts. A plan formed in my head and I wanted to punch myself for even thinking it. "How could I even think above loving some stupid boy who couldn't even survive? In no way could such a person be manly enough for me." Thresh, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.
They turned the camera off, but the screens didn't go black. Instead they changed to Peeta. "They taped it last night, after your father got his little confession." Darren took my hand softly, like we used to do as children when we were supposed to be quiet.
"He's gone down hill quick since the last one, the make-up doesn't hide the damage anymore."
"It was mostly last night, I think. That's when the tremors in his hands started. Still, he is breaking if that's what only five days can do."
"Five? It's been at least a week and a half…"
"Pre-taped remember? To Panem that interview was five days ago. You usually don't slip up so easily."
"I'm tired, all right?" He squeezed my hand once, saying nothing but lightly kissing my cheek. I started listening to the interview, right as Peeta is looking right towards the camera, delivering a message just for Katniss.
"Don't be a fool, Katniss. Think for yourself. They've turned you into a weapon that could be instrumental in the destruction of humanity. If you've got any real influence, use it to put the brakes on this thing. Use it to stop the war before it's too late. Ask yourself; do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you really know what's going on? And if you don't… find out." The screen blacks out and the boy who betrayed my secret after swearing not to is gone. He deserved to be so beat up, look like he was in pain. I hoped he felt it.
December. Trust only me, even in my death. I jerked away from Darren, my body crashing into one of the side tables. Stop trusting everyone you do, especially your father.
"December!" Hands reached for me as I collapsed to the ground, but I didn't reach for them back. No, not now, not now. Don't let them unhinge you, December Snow. Don't fall for it anymore. Peeta, Thresh, why had I never noticed before how they both sounded the same?
The hands were touching me, lifting me into a chair and my father's pushing a glass of water to my lips. "My rose, look at me, please, look at me." I hadn't even realized my eyes were closed, but the light burned.
"I'll get a doctor, if it's…" Tauro's voice seemed distant, but my father's shrieks were close and I tried to latch on to them.
"No! Not her, not December I swear." His familiar hand was stroking my hair, the palm resting on my cheek and as the water slipped through my lips I felt my breath steady. "There you go, my rose. Open your eyes, child. We are all here."
I pushed Thresh's voice from my mind, basking in the familiar touch, the familiar cadences of the voices I grew up with. These were the people who loved me, who caught me when I fell and coaxed me back patiently to reality. I needed to stop trusting those who weren't here for me now.
I opened my eyes, managing a weak smile as papa filled my vision. "It's been a long twenty four with your choices of the past are catching up. Darren, go fetch December's avox so she can get help back to her room will you? I want her to rest for the day."
Darren disappeared and the men no longer paid any attention to me, talking about how to raise support in the Capitol, as no doubt a side effect of Peeta's condition was raising district support for the rebels. "Though I don't want to admit it, Haymitch had a knack for tricking Crane with the right ideas. I trust you'll see that he gets the hint."
"Of course, Coriolanus. I'll speak to him once we are finished here." There was a pause, but I still had voices running in my head that I wanted to block out. "Katniss will want him back, they will try eventually."
I felt sick. Why should she even get a chance, a hope that he will come back? I didn't. He was dead, he was gone. Why couldn't we just not want them back? Peeta said you change in the arena. Why couldn't Thresh have just changed so much I could have let him go? But then, there would still be pain. Love or no love leaves pain every time.
"Papa!" I managed to push myself to a standing position, him rushing to steady my arm. "Let Katniss have him, whenever they decide to try. Just make sure that he isn't the same, that it isn't a happy reunion." I didn't know exactly what I was saying, but Tauro and my father did.
"Tauro, I think it's time we tell the labs to breed some new tracker jackers. Haven't they been anxious to try that mind changing experiment?" Tauro just laughed, writing down a note on his pad as Darren returned with Kirsti. "Sleep well, my rose. When you wake I swear that we will win another day."