A/N: Well, this update is sooner than the last one. Let's hope I can keep things going faster! Okay, I'm giving a shout out to all the reveiwers I have so far! Well, since I last checked...
Mew W (guest): Thank you, even though I couldn't get back to you since it was a guest review. Thank you so much for reviewing. :3
UmbraShadowGirl: Thanks for the support, chica!
D.M.: Thanks, my very faithful reader. :3 I love the reviews you leave.
KKartter: Thank you for giving my fan fiction a chance and reviewing! Sorry for lack of updates. :/
ChuYumeAkirameru: Thank you. I always look forward to your reviews. You're one of the most... interesting FF members I've had the pleasure of chatting with! :D
Guest (chapter 4): Thank you very much. I'm assuming you're the same Guest reviewer for chapters 5 and 6, but correct me if I am wrong. I wish I had the chance to get back to you, but it's a guest review, so this is all I could do.
GingerificFabulousTime: Thank you for your wonderful reviews and for actually checking my stories out. It makes me feel all warm and bubbly inside to know that the author for 3 of my fav stories likes my fics. :3
EveningBlack (Guest review): Thank you, sorry I could never get back to ya, but it was a guest review. Thanks for the support.
CoffeeAndCroissants: Thank you for reading this story. Yet another really interesting FF member that I got to chat with.
Beverly: Okay, so you're not a reviewer, but I loves ya enough to include ya in this AN. I expect at least ONE review for this story, chica! XD Thanks for supporting me and my stories so far. Awesome people like you keep me writing!
Thank you to all the people who follow and favorite this as well! Everyone who has supported this story so far makes it fun for me to keep writing. You guys all make mah day. :D
Readers who may have just started reading today, or who are secretly following this (I know you guys exist! ;) ) Thank you! Okay, enough with the babbling! Let's get on with teh story! Oh, this is the first and probably the only chapter in this story with a title. Things have been kinda good lately, so I have been a little more motivated. :D
Chapter Six: Love Yourself.
That morning, I woke up and felt Mello's arm still around me. I felt a warm, fluttery feeling in my stomach. I guess he was still asleep, then. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around his torso and snuggled into him. He smelled like chocolate...
"So, Matty, am I just that cuddly, now?" Mello asked, startling me a little. I looked up at him and felt myself start to blush.
"Sorry..." I muttered, pulling away and sitting up. My neck was a little sore from sleeping while sitting.
"Hey, we missed breakfast, Matty."
"Okay," I said.
"You aren't hungry?"
"Oh no, I'm fine," I said, grabbing my Game Boy off the night stand along with my goggles. My gloves had been taken off, probably by Mello. I decided to leave them off. As long as I had my sleeves down, I'd be fine. I put my goggles on and said, "Wanna play?"
Then my freaking stomach just had to growl as if to contradict what I just said. Mello laughed and moved over to his side of the room and over to his night stand. He opened it and pulled out a chocolate bar. He threw it over to me and I barely managed to catch it in time.
I looked down at it and then back up at Mello who was walking back over to me with another chocolate bar in hand. He sat down next to me and unwrapped his bar. I looked up at him as he snapped a piece off with his teeth and ate it.
"Mello... Why do you eat your chocolate like that?" I found myself thinking aloud.
"Hmm? Because bite marks are NOT sexy, Matty." I wasn't sure if he was joking or if he was serious...
I looked over at him... Okay, actually, I stared at him, dumbfounded. Seriously, Mello SHARING chocolate?! What the Hell? That was like... Like... I don't even know. It was something that never happened, though. Never.
"What's wrong, Matty?" he asked.
"Well..." I looked down at the chocolate bar in my hands. Where the Hell did he get all the chocolate, anyways? Did he still it from the kitchens? "I... Uhm, well since when do you give chocolate away?"
"Well, since we are friends, Matty, I'll allow it just this once since we had to skip breakfast."
Uhm, skip? "We? You slept in, too?" I asked, unwrapping the bar and taking a bite.
"Well, yeah, if course I did."
He seemed to be blushing... He didn't...
"Mello, did you skip breakfast?"
"What? No." His response came out a little too fast. I was starting to wonder if Mello actually did like me back... I couldn't get my hopes up though, of course.
"Mello...?"
"Yeah?"
I wanted to say it. I wanted to tell him how I felt and just hope that he really did feel the same. But I was afraid. And even if I was able to, I didn't get to. Because, once again, a perfectly good moment was ruined by a knock on the door. Mello got up to get the door while I took a big bite of chocolate. Man, I was starving. Damn, this was pretty good. No wonder why Mello was so addicted to it.
"What do you want, you albino freak?"
Oh, dear God. I stood up and looked over at Mello who had one hand on the door and the other hand on his left hip.
"Is... Matt here?" I heard Near ask.
"Yeah. What do you need him for?"
"I... I just..."
I walked over to where Mello was, standing behind him and looking over Near who was staring down at the floor, twirling a lock of hair. I think he was thinking carefully about what to say. I noticed that he always twirls his hair when he needs to think. I nervously took another bite of chocolate. Mello crossed his arms.
"You know, Near, you actually managed to piss him off yesterday. And I'm still pretty damn mad at you, too."
"Yes, I am... aware of that. I came to... Apologize to the two of you."
Mello practically choked on his chocolate bar. I moved over so that I was standing next to him. This was weird! Near didn't seem like the type to admit defeat. What the Hell had gotten into him, lately? Near apologized and, even though Mello didn't accept it, I did. I just felt like I had to. Then he told us that we were expected in Roger's office. I wonder why?
All three of us went down the halls together in silence. I wonder if this had anything to do with L coming to Wammy's... It probably did. I checked my pockets. Jeez, leave it to me to forget about bringing my Game Boy now of all times. I was a little nervous to see L, considering what happened the last time that I saw him. I looked down at the floor and slowed down a bit so that I was behind Mello and Near.
Mello must have noticed this because suddenly, I could feel him walking along side me to my right.
"What is it, Matty?"
"Nothing..." I couldn't bring myself to look up at the moment. I felt something take my left hand. I remembered that I had no gloves on. I looked to my left and saw Near holding my hand. His hand was... small... and cold. Why was he holding my hand? Was this his way of comforting me?
"Near...?"
He didn't say anything. He let go, but was silent. Then I felt Mello take my other hand. I didn't say anything this time. I wanted him to keep holding my hand. But why after Near? Why not before? And why was Near even holding my hand in the first place? What the Hell was that look he gave Mello, just now? Were they really fighting over me? Was it not just my crazy imagination? Near really doesn't seem like the type to like anyone. I thought he was asexual or something. So... why me of all people? What the Hell made me so special? Maybe I really was just imagining it...
We were almost at Roger's office. I tensed up and got really nervous. I had knots in my stomach. I stopped walking when we were just two feet away from the door. Mello and Near said nothing at all. They just stood there and actually waited until I was ready to go inside. Mello twined our fingers together and squeezed my hand, reassuringly.
I... I would be okay. I nodded and made my way to the door with the other two still beside me. I used my free hand to knock on the door.
I heard Roger call out, "Come in," from the other side of the door. Near opened it and we all walked into the small office. There were filing cabinets everywhere and Roger's desk was in the center right in front of a big window. Roger sat at his desk with Wammy standing to his left and L standing to his right. There were three chairs facing him right in front of his desk. Mello closed the door behind us with his free hand.
"Have a seat, boys," Roger said. Near took the seat to our left while I sat in the middle with Mello to my right. He finally let go of my hand. How embarrassing! My palm was a little sweaty...
"Greetings," L said. "As you three already know, I am L. I have come here today to discuss with you who is going to one day succeed me. All three of you are possible choices at the moment. Whoever I choose shall be adopted by me and will one day become L in the event of an untimely death."
How could he talk about his own death so casually? And why was he deciding this, now of all times? How the Hell was I even a possible successor? I wasn't that special, was I?
"Excuse me..." I spoke up.
"Yes, Matt?" L replied.
"I, er... I don't want to be a successor..."
Wammy and Roger looked shocked. L looked as if he had anticipated this.
"I understand," he said. "You do not have to become my successor if you do not wish to be my successor."
I nodded.
"Why not, Matty?" Mello asked.
"Well... Do you remember how A... committed suicide... and how B... ran off and became a criminal..?"
"Yeah..."
"I-I can't handle the pressure... I..." I clenched my fists in my lap. "I might... end up like them, ya know...? I just... I can't do it, I... Can't..."
Mello put his hand over mine in an attempt to calm me down. I relaxed just a little.
"I am sorry to hear that..." L said. His face said he didn't care, but his voice sounded concerned and filled with sympathy. "Now... The choice is between young Mello and Near."
My stomach clenched as I realized something. If Mello was chosen, not only would he be L, he would also get to be adopted. Those were the only two things he wanted in life. But... Then I'd be all alone, again...
No! I was not allowed to think like that! This was something that Mello wanted. If he had to leave me behind, I'd have to get over it. If Mello left, he'd be happier. I'd be happy for him, and that was that.
"Well, what decides it?" Mello asked.
"We shall be deciding now. You were brought here so that we may discuss it."
What?! NOW?! Mello could be leaving today if he was chosen? Why? Why so soon? I looked down at my fists, trying to stay calm. My vision started to blur. I could feel tears pile up inside my goggles. My goggles were starting to fog up. They were talking for the longest time, but I didn't really listen to them. I didn't care for the moment. I didn't care at all.
Memories started to flood back. Memories of the day me and Mello first came to Wammy's... Settling into our new room together...
"I'm Miha- uhm, Mello."
"...Matt..."
I remembered lying down sideways on my bed at night, watching Mello who would be kneeling down in front of his bed, rosary in hand.
"Please..." he'd say. "Please... Give me a daddy that will love me just like my old one... Or a mommy that can make things better... Please, God..." He still had a thick Slovenian accent back then. (A/N: Sorry if that was spelled wrong!)
Two years... He did that for two whole years before giving up on those requests... I remembered Mello holding me when I was scared...
"Sshhh... It's going to be okay, Matt... It's only thunder..."
He'd say those things, even though he was just as scared as I was. I thought of nights when Mello would wake up screaming. I wouldn't ask what he dreamt about. I'd just move over to his bed and stay with him until he finally fell back asleep.
"I uh... was scared..." I'd lie. "Could I lay down over here for a while?"
Mello would know I was lying. But he always went along with it. Mello never did like to admit how scared he was.
"I'm gonna be L some day!" I could practically hear him shouting it from atop his bed when he was 9 and I was 8. "I could definitely be L! Because L is brave and strong! L never gives up, he always catches the bad guys! I'll be strong, just like him, so that I could help people, too!"
Then, when I was 13 and he had just turned 14 a few days before...
"So... Mello?" I had asked as I played The Legend of Zelda.
"Huh?"
"Why are you trying so hard to be L, anyways?"
"Because, L is one of my heroes, Matt." He had replied. "Right next to my old man. My old man was a police officer, you see. So, just like L, he worked to put the bad guys in their place before he died. I wanna be just like them."
I never dared to say that my father was a delinquent... That he was a drunk who did the worse things possible to his kids once my mom was out of the picture... It was ironic, now that I think about it.
I remembered all the times Mello would laugh or cry. All the times he was trully scared... I remembered the first time he caught me cutting and how angry he was...
"Matt, what the FUCK are you doing, you dumb ass?!" I was only fourteen at the time. All the other times after that, he'd yell at me and tell me to "cut your shit!".
I remembered that night in the imfirmiry...
"You are a fucking idiot, you know that?"
...
"Matt, wake the fuck up! Who the FUCK gave you that black eye?!"
"You really are a fucking dumb ass because that is the lamest fucking excuse I have ever heard."
"Other kid? Weird geek? You mean MY roommate, Ed?"
"First of all, his name is Matt."
"Matty, let me check your eye..."
"I'm fine, Mello."
"Dude, no you're not. That's why I kicked Jason's ass yesterday. Now let me check your eye."
"...Fine..."
"Damn it, Matt! That fucking sun keeps killing me! How in the Hell is Mario supposed to get passed that bastard?!"
"Yes! Take that, Luigi, you green bastard!"
"Dude, we're doing all this, just to get a fucking letter from a useless ass princess?"
"Okay! Ready to play?! That Princess Toadstool better give us a decent prize this time!"
"Why is her name Toadstool? I thought the name was Peach...?"
"Not in the older games, Mello. Personally, I don't know why they switched her name."
"Ah... You smell like cigarettes, Matt..."
"I treat him just fine!"
"Leave him alone, fucktards!"
"He. Is. Mine."
"Shut up, you stupid albino."
"Because I care about you Matty! Why the Hell else would I tell you to stop?!"
What if... What if Mello really did leave...?
"Matty...?" was Mello really talking to me, or was I still imagining it?
I would be... All alone...
"Mail..."
There'd be no one to help me...
"Matt?"
What if I couldn't handle it?!
"Matty, you're shaking! What's wrong, speak up!"
No... I couldn't be so selfish! I was being stupud. I-
"Mail," L said, finally interrupting my train of thought. I looked up at him. He seemed worried...
Without thinking, I got up and left. (A/N: This is where I was originally going to end the chapter. I decided against it.)
I'm not sure how I got there, but suddenly, I was sitting alone in the bathtub with the bathroom door locked. I took my goggles off and threw them across the room. I reached into my pockets. My Game Boy and cigarettes were still in the bedroom. I pulled out a razor. I held it in the palm of my hand, thinking.
No, not this time. It wasn't going to fix shit. No amount of physical pain could make the pain in my chest go away. I hated this fucking orphanage! Wammy's House for exceedingly bright children... What a fucking joke! There was nothing special about me. Nothing! This was just Wammy's House for L's stupid little pawns. Nothing more. I threw the razor blade where it joined my goggles on the floor across the room.
I curled my legs up into my chest, wrapping my arms around my knees. There was a knocking on the bathroom door, but I just ignored it. I didn't care who it was, I wasn't letting them in. I sat there and cried into my knees. Then after a ling while, I felt warm arms being wrapped around me. I looked up to see Mello holding me tightly. I hugged him back and cried even harder into his shoulder. I felt so pathetic...
"Matty... It's going to be okay... Just.. Please tell me you didn't... Y'know..."
"I didn't..." I muttered. "I promise..."
"Good... Matty... What's wrong? Please tell me..."
"..."
"Please, Matty..."
"Y-you might... l-leave me... I... I..."
"Matty...?"
"I... Mello... I love you..."
I heard him gasp. Shit, he was going to reject me, wasn't he? He was probably going to call me weird and tell me to stay away from him, right?
"Matty..." Then he surprised me. He pulled my chin up with his hand so I was forced to looked into his big blue eyes. He... kissed me... It wad just a kiss on the cheek, but it... Actually made me feel a lot better... Did this mean he liked me?
"Mello?"
"Matty... I want to tell you... I want to say that I love you, too... Because... I do... But, you can't handle something like this if you can't even love yourself."
"W... what?"
"Matty, how could you expect to love someone properly if you can't even love yourself?" I stayed silent. What the Hell was he talking about? "More to the point, how can you hope for someone to love you back if you don't love yourself?"
"Mells, I..." I didn't... love myself? The sad part was that he was absolutely right when I stopped to think about it...
"Matty, I will make a deal with you."
"A deal...?"
"You have to love yourself more. Love yourself so that others can love you. Got it, or do I have to drill it into your head?"
Wait, what...?
He sighed. "Guess I do... Love yourself so that others can love you."
He repeated it several times until I said, "Okay, I get it. I'll try, I promise."
"Don't just 'try'. Do it."
"...Okay..."
He hugged me again even tighter and I just sat there, holding him back... Mello loved me... He really... I felt tears start to spill out again.
"Mello... What if you become L's successor...? It won't even matter..."
"If you can keep your promise, then I'll stay here. Got it?"
"What?! But... This is a huge oppurtunity for you! You can't just-"
"Matty, just quit spazzing out. You're ruining this perfectly good moment."
I sat there in silence with Mello holding me until I reaized that I was really exhausted. I fell asleep, not caring that it wasn't even the afternoon, yet.