I push open the door to Grillby's aggressively and stomp my way over to a stool at the front of the diner. I sit down with a huff and stare at the counter.
I had just turned 15 a few days ago and ever since then I've been getting extremely irritated with a certain skeleton. I was getting tired of being treated like a little kid, Sans was way too overprotective and it was really grating on my nerves.
Grillby sees my agitated state and walks over to where I'm sitting.
"You and Sans fight again?" He asks regretfully.
The thing with Sans is it's never really fighting. It's more of me getting mad and him lazily diffusing the situation like it doesn't even matter. That would just make me all the more angry.
"He doesn't even fight Grillby! I wish he would just yell at me for once. I don't get it! I'm being a brat but he doesn't even care . . ." I sigh and bury my face in my hands as the true reason I was upset came out. It was always like that when I talked to Grillby. He was just such a good listener, I felt like I could talk to him about anything and everything.
The truth is Sans and I had gotten into an 'argument' about him being overprotective a few days ago and I didn't like how easily he dismissed me. Ever since then I've been trying everything in order to get a fighting reaction out of him. Nothing ever worked and it ended up with me stomping off, fuming while Sans didn't even bat an eye.
Tears brim to my eyes and I try desperately to hold them back.
"I don't know . . . I just wish he acted like he cared . . ." I say quietly.
Grillby grabs my hand. He has learned to control his temperature despite being made of fire so anyone can touch him and not have their flesh burnt off.
I look up at his expression. He's very serious.
"Listen well Celese, you are one of the most important people in his life. He cares about you enough not to fight back because he doesn't want to hurt you with words or actions. Trust me on this, okay?" Grillby always made his exchanges short and to the point, it was one of the many things I liked about him.
I stay silent for a little, taking in what he had said. I sigh loudly and I begin crying. I try to hide behind my hair as I hold back my sobs.
"I t-trust you . . . I-I'm the worst." I silently choke out.
I don't know why I was being so difficult. I had always known deep down that Sans cared about me yet here I am acting like a punk. I was making so much unnecessary trouble for all of the people around me and despite that they still acted kindly towards me and treated me well. I was so undeserving of it all.
I grip Grillby's hand tighter and lay my forehead against the counter, letting my tears drop onto the wooden surface.
"It's okay, Celese." Grillby squeezes my hand back and lets go in order to serve other customers.
Even though I'm taking up a spot and not buying anything he still lets me sit there for the hour it takes for me to feel better.
"Thank you so much Grillby." I say sincerely as I make my way out into the snowy scenery of Snowdin. He nods in acknowledgement just before the door closes behind me.
My stomach ties in knots at the thought of going home. Why am I being so weird? I try to shake it off as best as I can and set off to go apologize to Sans for being so difficult. I already know that he won't be mad at all and instead of that thought making me angry; it brings a smile to my face.
A loud crash startles me from my sleep and I jolt up, my heart pounding loudly. It seems to be late afternoon judging on the light pouring into the room.
I'm in Sans's room which has been entirely cleaned, not even the self-sustaining pile of trash is there anymore. Judging by the smell fresh sheets have recently been put on the bed. There's a wooden chair at my bedside, people have evidently been watching over me.
My whole body throbs painfully. It's like I've been hit by a large object that bruised every single inch of me.
I slowly begin to remember everything, the success of Frisk and Chara's last blow to me. My heart drops as I realize that everyone remembers me. This is horrible, so so horrible. Now I could never die in peace, not with the way things are now.
I lay back down and stare up at Sans's ceiling. I begin to weigh my options. I could go ahead and kill myself anyways but at this point that would devastate everyone too much. I don't know if I could do that to them. Even if I can barely feel emotions anymore I can still comprehend just how much doing that would scar them forever.
Another option is to try to continue living as best as I can. I hate this idea. The memories in my head are so broken and deformed, they're not something I want to live with. Even the thought of living makes me shudder. Just existing in this world makes me sick. It's made me suffer so much that I don't know if I could ever be happy.
I don't even know what that world means anymore. How does one 'feel' happiness? How do you describe it? Can you see it? It seems like it can come to everyone else to easily but it remains elusive when I try to call its name.
The person I used to be could easily achieve happiness. In fact it was probably the most common emotion I felt. That's another reason why living on with everyone is practically a nonviable option. I am not who I used to be. I will only disappoint them again and again. I can't smile, I can't laugh, hell I can barely emote at all. Seeing me now will only make them depressed.
I raise my right arm and hold it above my body. My fingers reach towards the ceiling above.
This really isn't a fun situation.
I hear the door of the bedroom slowly opening. I lower my arm and sit up. In walks Sans.
He looks pretty shaken up over this whole thing. I can tell he's been crying and beating himself up over everything. This is why I can't be around them. This will be our constant reality.
Sans meets my eyes tiredly and tries to crack a smile. It's a sad scene.
"Heya, Celese. Feeling any better?" He asks quietly.
"I feel alright. How long was I out?" I answer in my usual monotone.
Now that he actually remembers me my lack of emotion seems to upset him. His grin drops off the face of the Earth as he walks over and sits in the chair at my side.
"Since yesterday, you've been out for almost a whole day now." Sans answers. He seems to be observing my smallest actions.
I nod calmly and remain silent, my gaze falling to the green bed sheets. Now would probably be the time to feel nervous but I can't bring myself to feel anything. I try for Sans's sake to squeeze even the tiniest feeling out of my grey soul but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Now that the barrier has been broken and the curse has been lifted I have no reason to be determined about anything. Frisk had won and the only goal I had been working towards has been accomplished. There is nothing left for me anymore.
"Mind if I ask you some questions?" Sans says. He has a tone that I heard often long ago, it was gentle and calming. I think it still holds true to that now though his tone has no effect on me at this point.
I nod and wait for the questions to start. After a while he takes a deep, shaky breath and begins.
"How many resets has it been since . . . since we forgot you?" It seems like it's still a struggle for him to acknowledge this out loud.
I think and try to rationalize a decently accurate number. It's impossible for me to do. There were so many and I wasn't even conscious for a lot of them. Towards the end I was often dead or asleep.
I decide to start with getting him to understand the magnitude of what I had experienced.
"First I think you should know that there were two different kind of resets. Normal resets and true resets. If there was a normal reset you could remember experiences from the past timeline. If it was a true reset the only entities who can remember are humans. The resets of timelines you recently experienced were all normal and those were a mere drop in terms of what I have experienced. I don't think I could ever come up with a reasonable number. I stopped being able to count them a long time ago." I say evenly.
I look over at his expression and he seems extremely distraught over what I had just told him.
"Even when I thought I was beginning to understand looks like I wasn't even coming close, huh?" Sans laughs dryly and shakes his head at his ignorance.
"Those recent resets really almost drove me insane and you say those were just a . . . a drop of what you've experienced. Celese I . . . I'm . . ." His voice becomes strained and he can't finish his sentence.
"There's no point in feeling guilty or sorry for me. It's too late to reverse it and the only person to blame is Chara and she's now locked away inside Frisk. Sans . . . I need to know if you can handle what I'm going to tell you. It's not happy and it will probably make you very upset but I think you need to hear it. Are you up for it?" I ask, gauging his reaction carefully. His sockets turn black as midnight for a few seconds. I can tell he knows what I'm going to tell him will probably break his heart. This is the only way I could ever possibly live. He needs to understand exactly where I am at this moment.
A grim smile graces his features and he seems to be resolved.
"I can handle it." He reassures me. I take a deep breath and begin.
"When I teleported away I had every intention of walking off that cliff and killing myself." I say blatantly. He clenches his fist and his expression darkens but he allows me to continue.
"For the past resets that's what I have been doing, Sans. I've been killing myself over and over and over again. I tried many different ways but I didn't even have enough power to permanently end my own life. I was a slave to the resets, just like you." I stopped for a moment as Sans's right eye began to glow dangerously. His powers always activated when he felt great emotional distress. Seems like that stayed the same.
He lets out a shaky breath and tries to calm himself down. I wait for his eye to stop glowing before I continue.
"At first, I tried to make everyone remember me. The resets and true resets kept coming and eventually I gave up. All I felt was hopelessness, rage, and despair. Until one day I started to feel nothing. I was completely empty many resets ago. I'm not that person in your memories any longer. My presence will only cause you and everyone else great suffering. This is why I wanted to die even though you all remembered me. Now it doesn't matter, I'm broken beyond the point of repair. Even now when I'm talking to you, Sans. I still feel absolutely nothing."
His eye flares like a blue flame and he grabs his head, trying to make himself calm down. I stare at the display. He seems to be in a dangerous state, maybe I should be afraid. I can't make that emotion surface.
Papyrus bursts into the room and runs to his brother's side. He kneels down on the floor beside Sans's chair and rubs Sans's back comfortingly.
"It's okay Sans. Just take deep breaths." Papyrus says quietly. He struggles to meet my gaze. Papyrus seems to nearly be in tears just by looking at me.
This is ridiculous.
I throw off my sheets and stand up. Despite the world spinning I make my way to the door. Neither of them make a move to stop me as I make my way downstairs and curl up on the couch.
I have nowhere to go but here. I'm sure all the residents of Snowdin and the whole underground remember me now too. If I walked outside it would all be hugs and apologizes. They would expect me to return their teary smiles. How disappointed I would make them all once they saw the state I'm in.
I squeeze my knees tighter and stare blankly at the television static. Either way I'm trapped with no way to escape. So this is the last cage you had prepared for me, Chara. You really are a demon.
I close my eyes and easily drift into another restless sleep. I still need to recover.
Sleeping is the only way I can truly escape my cruel reality. In the land of dreams it's just me and darkness, or me and the occasional memory. At least here I didn't have to choose between life and death, between hurt or more hurt. I can drift easily.
I find myself hoping that I never wake up.
It hurts. I scream soundlessly and tiny air bubbles make their way to the surface of the river. I claw at my throat and my chest but still make no move to try to resurface. It hurts but I need to die. I'm so tired of living the same nothingness day after day. I just wake up in that damned cave every single time. I'm so sick of it all.
My body reflexively tries to take a breath and I inhale water. I cough only to receive more water. This suffocation is almost unbearable. I didn't think that drowning would be this painful but if it ends my life forever then the pain is nothing.
Through my watery vision I cans see rays of light shining through the surface of the river. The light becomes darker and darker as my body sinks further down. My vision begins to fade and I can feel myself dying.
It's such an odd feeling, dying. There's a point where you can tell you're right on the brink between life and death. You can feel the last second of your existence before it ticks by.
I feel my body give up, I feel my heart stop. I am in complete nothingness for a few blissful seconds. Then a flash of light and I wake up inside the place I've grown all too familiar with. This was the last time I cried during the time of the resets. I realized that there was truly no escape. I couldn't even die.
At that moment I felt something deep inside of me break. I don't know what it is but I know that it was something extremely important, something forever irreplaceable. From that moment on I knew I could never be fixed.