I scream out in pain as I feel another punch in my stomach. This time the punches are stronger, I quickly notice as I taste the iron of my blood again. I spit it out. I stopped begging a long time ago. They don't listen to me anyway. My head hurts, my arms, my legs... my whole body aches, so I surrender myself. I try to not think about why I am here and where that here is. I think of my husband, my daughter and my other family members. I feel another punch in my rips this time and pain starts rushing through my body. I close my eyes and try not to let the pain get to me. I try to surrender… I try.
His lips on my cheek is the first thing I notice in the morning. As our lips meet, I open my eyes and look into the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. It's a bright blue sky I see, which is even more beautiful than the actual bright blue sky that New York City has to offer. It's one of those days that we don't have to rush to work like we normally do. Today, since it's Sunday, we allow ourselves to be lazier and get to work an hour later. I return his kiss and wrap my arms around a man I've fallen so quickly in love with, that sometimes I think I'm dreaming. As our tongues start battling, I feel his fingers brushing through my hair. His kisses are like nothing before. It feels like I have never been kissed before. They are full of passion, gratitude, kindness and love he hasn't mentioned towards me yet. I don't blame him. He's not ready for the l-word, yet I already threw it between us. It was so sudden, so unexpected… I let it drop like a bomb. The same bomb that hit me when we met. As he lets go of my lips, I am breathless and feel dizzy at the same time.
"Good morning." there's a smile on the lips that used to touch mine.
I return his smile, feeling awake and cherished. "Good morning, Mr. Sexmachine." I joke as I stretch out my limbs. I am sore from last night, yet I can feel my heart aching for more already. I am addicted to him. To his kisses, his touch, his smile, his voice, his dominance, his kindness, his protection shield… I love him.
His thumb runs over my lips, "I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life."
I inhale sharply, he may have not said the l-word yet, but boy he can make me feel his love for me so easily. I lace my hand with his free one, before I kiss his knuckles, "Yes, I want that, too."
His blue orbs are clouded for a second and I know immediately that something is bugging him. Yet, he hasn't mentioned anything towards me. He never does. I brush through his silky hair and wonder what the hell I've done to deserve this man. A man that calls me his angel, yet he was the only one who was able to fix my broken wings.
He catches my hand and kisses every four knuckles of my left hand. "You know me like no one else does. You know sides of me I've never shown anyone else… You know me."
I bite my lip, unable to gulp down my answer. "And I love every single side of your's."
He closes his eyes and for a second I think he's going to leave me alone in this comfortable bed of his. But as he opens his eyes again there are no clouds, no stormy signs. They are bright blue, full of faith and truth. "You know how I feel about you. There is no need to put a label on it."
I smile, "It's not a label, it's a fact."
"My feelings for you are fact as well." he whispers before kissing me. With his arms around my body, he pulls me closer, until I feel his heartbeat beneath mine. His body heat warms up mine, his shallow breath echoes with mine. I close my eyes and inhale his scent. He smells of warm summer nights and blueberries. He provides me safety without knowing it. He's my safe haven.
He's my safe haven… my safe haven. He's my safe haven. Soon, I'll be back. I'll be back in my safe haven. In my husband's arms and his wonderful smell. Warm summer nights and blueberries…
My mind is a place they can't reach. A place that only belongs to me. Whatever they say or do to me - they can't reach me there. Pain is a dream. It's not real. This is not real. Pain happens in my head. I am hanging in the air. Big chunky chains are wrapped around my wrists and connected to the ceiling. My muscles are weak. My whole body is screaming in pain. My nerves are going crazy. I feel another punch in my back. I bulk, unable to suppress my screaming. They can't touch me in my own world. I have to be in my own world. Suddenly, I feel an electricity rushing through my body. It echoes through my whole nerve system, making me feel a new level of pain. I can survive this. They think they can kill me. They think they will kill me, but my mind is stronger than my body. My mind has to be stronger. It has to be.
I try to hold my breath, but my lungs are running out of oxygen. I feel icy cold water surrounding my face as hands hold my head under the water again. It's dilated with chlorine. I can't drink it. I try to keep my eyes close as they burn from the chlorine. They've been torturing me the last… I don't even know how long. But I do know that they enjoy torturing me with icy cold water and sharp trimming knives, cutting me. I have too many cuts on my body to count. They don't bleed a lot, but they hurt as hell! They used me as a punching bag. They even hung me up like one. It's a routine: water boarding, cutting, stabbing, punches. They gave me drugs and adrenaline so I don't pass out. They don't want this game to end, they're enjoying it too much. There were too many hands, too many voices for me to distinguish between. Too many nationalities. Too much pain. There's so much pain… Tanner was right. My husband has a lot of enemies. My last count was twelve. In the past days, I've seen about twelve different persons, letting their anger out on me. So far, Tanner was the only woman. I am cold and hot at the same time. My body is shaking. I have lost track of time. I don't know how long I've been held here. All I know is that I didn't sleep - and that the sun has set two times. The windows are masked with newspaper. The light shone through anyway. I noticed the bright red sky as it mirrored on the water. It means I am here for over 48 hours. Making a total of 72 hours being kidnapped. I survived three days of torture. But I don't know how much longer I can take this. The hand pulls my head out of the water again and I start coughing the water out that started collecting in my lungs. I am tired. I feel dizzy. I haven't eaten. I barely have drunk anything. It's a miracle I am still alive. But I can't fight any longer.
"Please stop!" I beg coughing. My voice is weak, it's not louder than a whisper. I lost my voice because I screamed so much in the last days. I screamed in pain. I begged too much in the last days. I prayed. My lungs burn from the chlorine. Breathing hurts. Seeing hurts. My ears hurt so badly. This tub with water is the worst. Sometimes I don't even have time to catch some air. Sometimes I am under water for more than a minute. Sometimes I feel like passing out. But I don't. I stay awake because of the adrenaline. I stay awake to see everything they do to me. Everything they do… The dark skinned man is doing the torture this time. It's the one from the day I met Tanner. I haven't seen her again. I don't know where she is. Whatever she has against him, it's working. He's doing everything she asks him to. This way she hasn't touched me yet. In a way I am glad, because I know she'll kill me. I can't do this any longer. My body is shaking, my skin is hot, my face is cold. My lips are blue. My insides burn from the alcohol they gave me. I am drunk, feeling hot and cold. Everything inside of me hurts. My vision is blurry from the chlorine and the many fists that hit my face. I barely see anything. It's a blur. Everything that happens to me is a blur. Except for the pain. The pain is always there, mercilessly. I am so weak… I won't survive any longer. The dark skinned man pulls my head back by pulling on my hair. He places a piece of thin cloth on my face and I know what's coming next: waterboarding. The worst way to torture a person. It feels like drowning. It feels like being on the edge of dying. Every. Single. Time.
Suddenly, I see the door slamming open. I see figures in uniforms storming in, holding something black, probably guns. They shoot the dark skinned man next to me as he aims for them with his gun. I still don't know his name. His lifeless body falls to the ground next to me. All men start spreading around in the room. They look like bees chasing something. It's so strange, so funny… so mesmerizing. I'd be laughing if I weren't in so much pain.
A brown haired man with pale green eyes knees down beside me. He seems so awake… So full of life. I try reading his lips. I didn't hear what he said. I'm not even sure if he spoke English. I can't hear since the last time they cut me with the knives and hit me afterwards. My head crashed against the wall and ever since then… there's silence. I don't hear anything. It's good to hear nothing. That way I haven't been able to hear my cries. But I still feel so much pain. I blink, not sure if I am hallucinating this rescue or if this is really happening. My mind has played a lot of tricks on me in the last days. I can't distinguish between reality and fantasy. I feel him opening the cable ties around my wrists. It feels so good. He smells of shower gel. I can't smell when I am hallucinating, can I? His fingers brush through my wet hair and I focus on his lips. He says everything's going to be fine. I shake my head. How can I signalise him that I don't hear anything? The man with the pale green eyes turns his head around. Someone is talking to him. But I don't see the person. I barely see anything. I try to look beside him. I blink as I see a blurry mess. Everything's blurry to me. I can only see in short distance. There's another figure standing in what looks like the doorway, I notice as I squeeze my eyes. Yes, it's a person and it's a doorway… I think. God, my head hurts so much. Thinking and guessing hurts so much… The figure rushes over to me without me being able to blink once more. I wince and want to run. It's my first instinct. It's all I've been doing the last days. I ran. I protected myself. I prayed. And I gave up. The figure knees down beside the green eyed man, but it's still too blurry. I don't even see a face. I move my head a little to the left, feeling pain rushing through my body. I want to scream, but I can't. I lost my voice. I have no voice. My body stopped listening to me days ago. I feel my heart racing in my chest as my eyes slowly recognise the person. It takes my brain a few seconds to process what I'm seeing. I can see dark blue orbs sparkling at me and I wish I could say something. Or smile. I wish I was strong enough to react to what I'm seeing. But I'm not. His hands reach out to touch my face and I feel my lips shaking. It's the first time in three days that I don't wince. It's the first time I am not afraid of a touch. His touch. Troy… my husband. I would never forget how he looks like. Even with my kind of vision he is the most beautiful man. His hands touch my face and I feel tears building in my eyes. It hurts so much. Everything hurts. Being alive hurts so much that I already wished I'd be dead. His lips say something to me but I can't hear him. All I hear is silence and for the first time in two days silence is not welcomed by me.
Suddenly my body starts shaking again and I feel my vision going black.
My eyes are wide open as I feel a burning pain rushing through my body. Something is on my face I notice as I feel pressure. It's easier for me to breathe. My vision is blurry and my body shakes as we hit a bump. A sharp pain goes through my body. I want to cry but I can't. I have no voice. I am in an ambulance car. I try to see something but there's nothing I can identify. It's a blur. Everything's a blur. It's always a blur... Suddenly I feel someone squeezing my hand and I know he is here. I am not alone. I am safe. I am alive.
I slowly open my eyes, feeling pain in my head and body. It's so much pain... such an excruciating pain. It's always there and it's always unbearable. I still don't hear anything I notice as my vision sees a heart monitor. There should be a beeping sound. I am in a hospital. Laying in a hospital bed. My lungs still burn. Every single cell in my body is screaming in pain. I notice there's a button placed in my right hand and it push it. I wince from the pain and my shift wakes the body that's resting on me. My vision is still blurry. My eyes focus on the chestnut brown coloured haired head that lifts. The headache is still strong. My eyes hurt. My lungs are burning and I feel pressure every time I take a breath. There is a pulsing pain in my mid body. Everything hurts. My hands, my feet, my legs, my arms, my stomach, my head… There's nothing that doesn't hurt. Nothing.
I feel my heart skipping a beat as dark blue orbs are looking at me. They look tired and grateful. And full of love. His eyes are the only thing I can see clearly. The rest is a blur. I can see his eyes watering, filling with tears. He's crying. There is no reason to cry. I am alive. I am safe. I survived.
I try to lift my hand, but my body protests with strong pain. I can't even touch my husband. I can't talk to him. I can't hear him. I can't touch him. All I can do is stare at him.
I feel so helpless. I look down at his lips and I realise that he has been talking to me. His lips move so fast that I can't read them. I frown, feeling pain from the muscles in my face. Even a face expression hurts. He must've seen my face expression as he rises. I can see the black shirt that he's wearing. Am I still in Rio? I wish I could see any furniture in the room, but I can't. Everything is a blur. It's so hard to even see so little. It's exhausting. I see his eyes again once he is seated. They are so blue... his lips say something again. But it's too fast. Suddenly he holds a piece of paper in front of my eyes. I can see his curly handwriting asking me if I can hear him. I shake my head, trying to say something. My jaw hurts so much and my voice is still gone. I shake my head. The paper disappears for a second before I see his handwriting again. Can you see me clearly? Blink once for yes and twice for no. Don't move too much.
I blink twice.
He nods before I see his handwriting again. You are in a hospital in 's morphine. Push the button in your right hand. It will help with the pain.
I try to push the button but I am too weak. And it hurts so much. Every tiny movement hurts so much. I can feel how every single muscle, every single nerve is connected in my body. From the tip of my right hand's nail bed to the tip of my left foot. I can feel everything inside of me screaming in pain. So much pain... Suddenly I feel his thumb on mine, pushing the button with me and for me. It doesn't take long for the pain to become a bit easier. I think the last time I pushed it I didn't press hard enough. The morphine works. Not as good as it should, but it works…
I wish I could say something to him. I need to thank him. I open my mouth but stop as I feel the pain in my jaw again. A second later I see handwriting in front of me.
Don't move too much. Don't try to talk. Try to sleep.
How long have I been here? What day is it? What time is it? There are so many questions running through my mind but I stop thinking as I see his lips shaking. My glance meets his again. His eyes are filled with water. I feel my heart bursting inside of me. Fuck. I close my eyes. I can't see him in pain. It hurts me more than the actual pain I am feeling. Physical pain is something I can deal with, but emotional pain is a lot harder… I didn't want this to happen. Not to him. Seeing me like this tears him apart - more than words from me ever could. This is our hardest times. Our toughest times. I open my eyes and let the tears roll down my cheeks. They burn on my skin. I can feel the saltiness from the tears burning in the many cuts on my skin. In silence I cry. Not because of the pain I am feeling, but because of my husband's pain.
A new chapter! I hope you enjoyed reading it. Please review!
Xoxo