Admiral Bobbery : Haha, of course Lakilester would die first ! Thanks for the review, I'm glad some absurd things make you laugh. A good list of favorites, I say. Concerning Toodles, it's true that she's a really strange pick but I'm glad I decided to use her in spite of her obscurity. Her interactions with Wendy are always funny to write.
Moley : Nope, you're not hallucinating ! If you like moronic death, expect some more this chapter ! The references to Kaiimi's stories with Lakilester and Lakilulu dying was pretty funny to write to be honest ! Thank you for reading !
Kaiimi : LOL. Poor Tayce, always getting insulted by her friend. You're welcome for the references, it was very fitting once I got the idea of having fans raining on Toadsworth's parade. quen b da tru quen yo all deze bazik biches got no talnt lol. Thanks for the review !
Sepron : You know how I came up with your character ? I type 'Sepron' on google and saw the picture of a green snake. Since Cobrat are from Super Mario Bros 2 which is one of my favorite games, if not THE favorite I just couldn't not make you into that species, lol. I do agree that it's hard to kill some characters because they all have something funny to them so I just try to think of an event and see who could die and who offers the least possibilities. Sometimes I also simply kill a character once I believe they've had a fair amount of spotlight. There are some exceptions, though... Thanks for leaving a review !
7 : Duel Time!
Toadsworth smiled fondly as he stared with mirth at the sheet of paper he was holding in his hands. The dreamy old mushroom was examining a report of his bank account, and he nodded with satisfaction upon seeing that he now had ten times the money he possessed before the start of the game show. "Aaaah," he sighed contently, shaking his head at the same time. A small grin made its way onto his visage, "I will never tire of my fraudulent ways. This is so satisfying, knowing that you can do whatever you want and still get away with it!"
Engrossed in his reading, the counselor did not see a certain intruder barge into his room and looking at his document over his shoulder. It was only when the individual started screaming like an absolute moron in Toadsworth's ear that the host realized he was not alone.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" a certain yellow blob-like creature shouted as he flew everywhere inside the room at alarming speeds.
"Aaargh!" Toadsworth exclaimed, ducking low to avoid the unidentified flying object. "By my grandfather's marmalade! What is going on here?!"
"Sir? Do you have a problem, sir? SIR?!" yelled someone from behind the door.
Toadsworth crawled under his desk and managed to reach the door. He opened it rapidly and as soon as it happened, a Koopa clad in armor burst inside and tripped over Princess Peach's aide. "Wuuaaaah!" A loud crashing sound rang into the room as the Koopa hit a wall and fell unconscious.
"What did I do to deserve such incompetent guards?" Toadsworth wallowed in his own despair for a second, before glaring at the UFO in anger. "And would you stop screaming like a moron? You sound like Daisy's child!"
"YEAH! YAHOOOOOOO! I DID IT! HOT STUFF!" the thing grinned and dashed towards the old mushroom. The cunning counselor rolled to the side and avoided the creature who easily changed its trajectory and tried to plow into Toadsworth.
"Stop it!" shrieked the old man. But the thing was relentless. Soon enough, Toadsworth became annoyed because of this game of cat and mouse, so he assume a batter position and swung his cane with all of his might, successfully hitting and incapacitating the yellow critter. "So who was that bitch?"
It was none other than Luma.
"Oh no, not this stupid thing!" Toadsworth was quick to dial the number of some guards and ask them to rid him of both Luma and the dark blue slash purple Koopinator. They ended up with the rest of the disturbances: in the dungeons.
"Dang! Now it's time to host the show... Why am I always disturbed during my me time? Why?" Toadsworth cursed his bad luck, before waddling to the huge stage reluctantly.
…
Hurrying to the stage, Toadsworth wiped a little bit of sweat from his forehead as some of his rabid fans started screaming, fainting, frothing at the mouth and opening their mouth so as to catch the precious droplets of perspiration that escaped the fungus' body. Toadsworth made a disgusted face, but he quickly recovered. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back for yet another live show of the Mushroom Coliseum! I am Toadsworth and I-"
"Stop right there!" yelled a feminine voice who belonged to none other than the famous Toadette, Kaiimi.
"Not that bit- Err... What do you want now?" he asked, trying to control his temper which was very difficult to do for him at this point.
"We want special privileges!" Steven the Koopa replied with assurance. "Like, we're not asking for too much. Only stuff like a private booth from where we could see the show and stuff, like you know?"
"You're starting to remind me of a certain valley girl I shall not mention in public," Toadsworth mumbled to himself. "Are you sure you're not related to her? And who the fuuuuuuu-lmination are you anyway?" the host caught himself before swearing in front of a huge amount of people.
"I'm Steven Idile. You know, the guy who hosts like, tons of game shows and stuff?"
"So you're a nowhere, right?"
"Waaah! You're so mean to me!" sniffled Steven as he used Toadsworth's vest to blow his nose.
"You BITCH!" Toadsworth screamed in anger before slapping a hand over his mouth. "Crap." Kaiimi snickered as she held her camera high. She and Steven high-fived each other.
"Now we have proof that you have insulted an innocent man publicly, it's on the tape. If you don't want to go to court, I suggest you accept our conditions," the brown-haired Toadette blackmailed the old man.
"Fine, fine! I'll give in to your demands!" seethed Toadsworth, his voice laced with venom. Then he turned to the dark green Cobrat who, for some reason, was wearing a dark purple top hat. "And who are you exactly?"
"I'm Sepron, and I'm err- I'm hmm... Something?"
"Then I don't see why I should give you V.I.P access," Toadsworth pointed out. Thankfully for Sepron, his friends came to the rescue.
"He's one of my favorite accessories, I always use him in my movies," explained the producer as she held Sepron by the tail and brandished him as if he was a magic wand. "See how rigid he looks like? He makes for a perfect magical weapon!"
"Hey! Unhand me at once!" Sepron tried to break free from her grasp but he was tossed to Steven.
"You can also use him like a toy dog!" cheered the turquoise-shelled Koopa as he made a knot with the Cobrat's body. "Doesn't it totally look like some kind of doggy thingy? Like, you know, the rope thingy they play with?"
"OW! My back! Let go of me you idiot!"
"You're a snake, you shouldn't have a spinal column," Toadsworth pointed out with a raised eyebrow, somewhat skeptical.
"Don't question Mario logic!" Sepron screamed, flailing around like a Magikarp.
"And also, you can use him as a lasso! So fetch!" Steven winked, showing off the Cobrat's prowess.
"I feel...dizzy." Six seconds later, the poor dark green creature barfed almost everywhere and the show had to be postponed.
One hour later...
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back for yet another not-so-live show of the Mushroom Coliseum! I am Toadsworth and I will be your host for tonight!" Toadsworth proceeded to glare at the three V.I.P and used his finger to make it look like he would slit their throats. "So without further ado, let's go back into the fray!"
…
After their fistfight during the recreation of World War III, Wendy O' Koopa and Toodles had been rolling downhill. However, unlike Lakilulu, the two of them had not been stopped by thick bushes and had continued their course, only to find themselves in a dark cave. Trying to ignore their distaste for one another, the two women joined forces.
"Well, I know it is not in my habits to do so," Toodles started as she pinched her nose, disgusted by her unlikely teammate, "but I suppose I will have to bear with you in the meantime. However, this alliance of ours is done as soon as we return to the others. I cannot have your dirty presence sullying my righteous name."
Wendy growled at her in anger. "Not like I want to be seen with a fossil full of semen from the hours she spent whoring herself out on the streets just to get enough money for some plastic surgery!" snarled the Koopa princess.
"Well, you're one to talk," sniffed the glamorous Toadette as she sashayed her way further into the cave, a disgruntled Wendy following suit. "After all, these lips of yours do not fool anyone."
"I was born this way!" justified the pink-shelled Koopa, ready to assail Toodles at any moment.
"If by 'this way' you mean 'ugly', then I will have to concur," chortled the older one. Wendy huffed, passing right next to Toodles and sending her toppling to the ground in the process. She ran her fingers on the rocky walls of her new abode in wonder.
"This cave's pretty dark and damp," Wendy declared. "Mossy too."
"Darling, that's what caves are known for," ridiculed the classy Toadette.
"I know, right?" Wendy fake-cheered, an apparent smirk growing in her face. "Does that make your pussy a cave then? Because I'm pretty sure the description fits." Now it was Toodle's turn to be annoyed.
"Dearie, you must stay objective when looking inside a mirror. Clearly, your description does not fit my lovely female cat, however it does work when comparing it to that black hole of a mouth you have."
"Why you! I'm going to destroy your sorry face!" Wendy roared, lunging at Toodles. Indeed, their alliance did not last long at all.
"Hey! Would you two bitches shut the fuck up?!" Lakilulu demanded in annoyance. The orange-haired Lakitu had been sent off by the others to look for the missing rivals. At first, she had bitched about how it was unfair and how she had to do all of the dirty work, but a minute later she had realized that maybe the others were starting to understand that she was a great individual with many qualities, and that she was the most qualified out of everyone to search for missing people.
The truth was far different, but the deluded Lakilulu never once thought that maybe, just maybe the others wanted her to go away for a moment, a long one if possible.
Wendy and Toodles glanced at each other in mild irritation. "Truce?" Wendy proposed.
Toodles nodded. "It would be best to postpone our dispute. Shall we?"
"Yes."
Lakilulu flipped her hair to the side and rolled her eyes at them. "Hello? Earth to ugliness! Do you copy me? Are we done here or what?!"
"Hello, Earth here! We do copy you, ugliness!" Wendy chuckled. "And no, we're not done yet!" With that, the rivals jumped onto a shrieking Lakitu and started to pummel her happily.
…
Even though the players of the game were supposed to kill each other, most of them were lazying around like lizards, not the least bit worried about what could occur in such a dangerous area. Actually, they had all created a small camp near the place where the feast had taken place. It had not taken them a lot of time, excepting the sleeping arrangements which were still discussed (no one wanted to sleep next to Lakilulu). Tiny Kong and Yoshi were off to the side, in deep conversation.
"Can you believe it? What does she have that I don't?" Tiny asked to her alliance partner who gave her a shrug in response.
"Maybe she's more liked because she can shut her mouth once in a while?" he suggested with a smirk.
Tiny rolled her eyes at him. "I'm sorry but she's always blabbering and saying how much she loves food, so that's not one hundred percent exact." A pause. "Wait, did you just insult me?"
The king of overratedness dismissed her with a wave of his hand. "What gave you this idea?"
The simian girl smiled at him in relief. "Sorry, I probably misunderstood. But like, Flurrie is so stupid, how could the producers give her a main role in a movie when she's not even capable of reciting the entire alphabet in one go? She doesn't know how to count up to ten!"
"She's got the physical attributes for the role, attributes that you don't have," Yoshi sighed to himself, already bored. Tiny seemed shocked for a second.
"No way! I'm like, ten times more athletic on a sick day than her. Look at how flabby she is! Look at me, I could be a model!" she flaunted her own physique and took many poses.
"For goodness' sake, I didn't mean that! I was saying she had big- You know what? Never mind. Do you really want that role so bad?" Yoshi feigned interest in her situation, just to further his own agenda. Tiny Kong nodded like crazy. "Then it's easy? Just kill her, you'll get her role."
"Yoshi, you don't seem like it, but you're actually smart!" Tiny hugged him.
The green dinosaur pushed her off his personage. "Back off! You touch me, you cancel the guaranty!" She groaned as she hit the dirty ground.
"But how am I going to kill her? I have many plans in my head, but no material to achieve them!" she looked at Yoshi pleadingly.
"Minions!" Yoshi called out, staring at a camera that was filming him for above. "Listen to your king. For his sake, please give that stupid attention whore whatever she wants! I beg of you, do not disappoint me now or else I will not show off my talents in that stripper's club anymore!"
Immediately, tons of materials were sent to Tiny Kong, such as bazookas, rifles, machine guns and things like that. However, she had plans of her own and skipped away from Yoshi happily.
"Finally! PEACE AT LAST!" Yoshi raised his arms in the air cheerfully. "Thank you all, my fans!" Unfortunately for him, peace would not last.
"Yoshi!" Peach screamed his name into his ear before dropping a basket full of heavy fruits onto his foot. "Whoopsie! Sorry, I didn't mean to do that!" she giggled at him cutely, unaware of the painful expression that was on his face. Bending down to retrieve the basket, she knocked him to the side with her explosive derriere.
"This...is not peace," the dinosaur mumbled.
"I need you to in the jury for the competition!" Peach exclaimed. "Don't forget to come, it will be fun!"
…
Tiny Kong stood before an elaborated hunter trap. "This is perfect!" she clasped her hands together, cackling evilly as she placed an apple on the ground, tied to the trigger of a gun by a white thread. "When Flurrie sees this apple, she'll automatically make a run for it, and once she takes it... BAM goes her head!"
Five minutes later...
Flurrie walked next to the tree and began salivating as she looked in direction of the apple. Immediately, she darted towards it and Tiny almost did a little victory dance, but something seemed odd to her: Flurrie showed no sign of slowing down.
"My babies!" the wind spirit laughed as she grabbed a bag of chips that were a few meters away from the apple. "Who in the world would choose to eat something sane when they could have fattening greasy food? My, my, I suppose some people have simply no taste whatsoever."
FAILURE.
The blonde monkey planted a sign which read 'If you are Flurrie, please jump three times on the wooden bridge' into the soil with great strength. Then, she placed a machine gun in a large bush and hid behind a tall tree, waiting for her prey to approach. Thanks to a needlessly complicated mechanism, Tiny did not need to be right next to the weapon to fire it.
Soon enough, Flurrie walked onto the bridge and squinted her eyes to get a better view of what it meant. "Why! What a polite sign! Very well then, I shall jump three times onto that bridge if it pleases you so."
Flurrie jumped two times into the air, effortlessly. It was very peculiar considering her density. The third time she jumped, though, her body slammed hard into the bridge and it collapsed, sending her tumbling in the water just as numerous bullets rippled way above her, missing the famous actress completely.
FAILURE.
Tiny Kong wiped sweat from her forehead with her arm as she supported herself with a shovel. She was inside a very deep hole that she had dug in order to trap Flurrie. Inside the hole were various explosive substances which were near the bazooka shells she had acquired thanks to Yoshi. Using her famous Ponytail Whirl technique, Tiny escaped from the hole and covered it with leaves before hiding in the shadows.
Flurrie and Goombario walked near the hole a short while after. "...so I told my sister, who is an ingrate by the way, that it was no way to talk to her elders. She had just insulted Goomama, our grandma, saying that she was a sleazy ho bag, so I had to intervene. It was simply distasteful and disrespectful at the same time."
"Alas," Flurrie shook her head dramatically and closed her eyes as the duo was now a mere feet away from the trap. "Nowadays, a lot of values go down the drain..."
"Yes, you are absolutely right," Goombario nodded, glad to have found someone who was not too bothered by his preaching. "The worst thing in that case was that my mother actually congratulated Goombaria and told me to 'fuck off'. I was absolutely scandalized by such behavior, so I made sure to make my voice heard, howev-aaaaaaaah!" Goombario fell into the hole while Flurrie glided over it with no problem whatsoever.
"It is an obligation. If no one tries to voice their complaints, then a lot of pent-up aggression will be built between individuals, and it will erupt and possibly destroy a good relationship," she nodded to herself, opening her eyes. "Goombario? Wherever did you go?" Flurrie wondered in puzzlement. "Oh well, he probably had something else to do," she deducted smartly before leaving the scene just as Tiny Kong set off her trap, blowing Goombario to smithereens.
"Yes, I did it!" the monkey pranced around happily. She stopped once she saw the picture of a dictionary in the air.
SUCCESS...?
"DIXIE!" Tiny bellowed angrily. A few seconds after the call, her sister could be seen racing toward her in the distance. "If you want to make your little sister proud, then you will kill Flurrie. Understood?"
"Okay, no problem!" Dixie nodded her head. "I have a lot of experience killing people!" she grinned dumbly. Tiny crossed her arms and left everything in her sister's care before departing to throw every single thing that had been given to her by Yoshi's fans into the water.
…
Meanwhile, Birdo was staring at Snifit sharply. As a stylist and fashion designer, the bright pink dinosaur could not tolerate anyone stepping on her field of expertise, and the drug addict was dangerously close to threatening her.
"Yooo gurl!" Snifit greeted her, his eyes hazy. "Man, why did ya organize this contest stuff? Damn, you're disrupting my schedule," he complained.
Birdo folded her arms, sniffing at the red-clad individual. "Now that this pansy of Luigi is dead, I only have one remaining problem: you. We will settle our score here and there and make the best fashion show ever! Of course, I'll probably win over you anyway, but I'll prove to the world that I'm the best stylist there is!"
"Geez, that's so sad," Yoshi commented as he arrived with Peach. "Such attention whoring... But it doesn't really surprise me that much, I guess you didn't get much love when you were young with that face!" he mocked her and went to his jury seat. Birdo growled in anger.
"Yoshi's so silly sometimes!" Peach giggled. "I mean, it's not that Birdo didn't get much love, it's more that she didn't get any at all." Now Birdo was fuming.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BUNCH OF LAKILULU!" raged the stylist, prompting everyone to stare at her with hurt eyes.
Mario shook his head and shed a tear, but not two as he was a strong independent man who did not need no one to console him. "That was very low, Birdo, even for your standards."
"ye rite imma mak her a new ol if she dunt stfu dis instent" Queen Bee had a disapproving look on her face, her raised middle finger correlating with her innermost feelings.
"Stop exaggerating," Boo rolled his eyes on the sidelines. He was to be a host since most of the others were also participating. "If you push her buttons too much, it's no surprise she'll snap at you." Peach went to the ghost and patted his head, causing him to blush.
"Look at my bestie!" she smiled. "Trying to act all smart like a grown-up! You don't have to prove anything to us Boo, we still like you even if you're not very apt at understanding people. You don't need to impress us, we all like you!" Now Boo was red...with anger. So he slapped the princess. "You're so mean, I can't believe it! You're really a Lakilulu!"
"I don't disagree," Wario accepted Peach's statement as if it were the truth, "after all, he did kick me in the nuts that one time when I had diarrhea at Lady Bow's party. How could I have known that she was right behind me when I couldn't hold it anymore?!"
Suddenly reminded of the fact that he was the one who had to mop the floor after the incident, the white-spherical being attacked the obese man's groin with a wooden plank that was lying nearby.
Rosalina and Donkey Kong were too busy exchanging stories about their daily life, so they could not see that, behind them, Toad was making barfing gestures. Speaking of the mushroom, he was on the lookout for any signs of Toodles who had supposedly laughed at his attempts at making SSB.
Lakilulu returned with the rivals and smiled in approval as she heard the numerous 'YOU LAKILULU!' that the players were hurling at each other. "Finally, they realize how great I am! Preach it, useless scumbags!"
…
On stage, Toadsworth threw a hot cup of coffee on Toadbert. "I asked for a latte macchiato, not a cappuccino you dumb fuuuuuurry," he almost cursed but was able to catch himself this time. The old counselor was not about to give away some of his hard-earned money to the bigwigs of Channel 64.
Straightening his jacket, the brown-capped Toad coughed one time into his mike, a deafening noise resounding into the room afterward. Mustering most of his remaining energy, the old man made his next announcement. "Another one bit the dust! Indeed, Goombario fell victim to Flurrie's luck and Tiny's deviousness! Not to worry though, as he will be rejoined by a few others by the end of this emission."
A broad smile enlarged Toadsworth's mouth as he continued. "But before the dreaded fashion show occurs, let's take a small pau-"
"Hold it!" a dark blue Bob-omb with a sailor hat, on which rested a red bobble, interrupted the host as he arrived on stage. Toadsworth looked at him with his piercing eyes, already thinking up of ways to eradicate the small being when said living bomb introduced himself. "My name is Admiral Bobbery, and I would be most pleased to have the honor to stay with the rest of the V.I.P for the remainder of your marvelous show," he lauded Toadsworth.
Looking at the V.I.P lodge, the princess' aide gave his permission. "Of course I will, my friend."
"Stop! By the great Blabberton's beard, you are being deceived!" the true Bobbery stepped out in the open, hiding his bottle of liquor behind his back. Toadsworth raised an eyebrow. "Come on Toadsworth, you can't let that young trickster fool you! I am your friend, Bobbery! If anything, I should be allowed in that lodge!" he puffed his chest with pride.
"This was hard," Toadsworth testified in a post-leg interview. "To be honest, I didn't give a fuck about Bobbery, so I hardly remembered what he looked like... I had to take some drastic measures to be sure of my choice..."
"Very well... The one who passes the test...will be allowed in the lodge with the three stooges," Toadsworth decided firmly. "Bobbery was out at sea while Scarlet died a horrible way."
Immediately, the true admiral burst into tears and rolled on the floor, crying her name out loud while the fake Bobbery started laughing out loud. "That skank had it coming!"
"Guards, take this weeping old man away! I would never dare associate with such a loser!" he ordered.
"Yay!" Admiral Bobbery grinned as he joined the others. Happy with his decision, Toadsworth picked up Bobbery's liquor and hid it in his breast pocket not so discreetly, but none of the spectators were smart enough to realize that it had been the deciding factor for the old man.
"Well, since we don't have much more time, screw the advertisements! Let's see the show for ourselves!" declared a snickering Toadsworth.
…
A small stage had been erected in the meadows the contestants had been occupying since the very start of the game. Donkey Kong had made most of the heavy lifting and was sweating a lot due to the strenuous activity. Seeing the sweaty male seemed to have captivated Rosalina and Birdo, though the latter was still glaring daggers at the former. However, she had other matters to attend to and could not settle her grudge with the space princess yet.
In any case, the stage was actually made of the long table used for the feast that had been thrown in honor of Lakilester's death as well as the numerous crates that had been sent to Tiny Kong and the designers by the viewers at home.
In front of the stage, four impatient persons were waiting for the show to commence: they were Yoshi, Peach, Queen Bee and Mario. Boo had been recruited as the host.
"Ladies and gentlemen, hogs and sows, I welcome you to the most shitty fashion show ever hosted in the Mushroom Kingdom!" he raised his hands in the air enthusiastically, so no one understood that he was dissing them.
"Everyone, please meet our jury!" Boo designated the foursome with his middle finger. "We have a stupid princess with a very low I.Q., Peach Toadstool!"
Peach blew kisses at the imaginary audience that was behind her, completely missing the fact that the camera was next to Boo. "Thank you my fans!"
Hitting his forehead with his hand, Boo went on. "Next, please meet the most overrated character ever created! His fans are crazy twelve-year-old twats who would gladly give away their virginity only to be able to lick the sole of his shitty shoes! It's Yoshit, everyone!" the ethereal being chuckled to himself as he insulted the dinosaur.
Yoshi smirked. Ten thousand groupies fainted.
"Coming all the way from Honeyhive Galaxy, the queen of beetches herself, Queen Bee, will be joining our jury to give us her stupid opinion about the designers' outfits! Now, we all know she's a little slow in the brain department, so please ignore whatever she says and only focus on the grade she'll give after each presentation!" he trash-talked the rapper.
"by ma new ablum onli 69 cons da cd thx biches" she shamelessly advertised. "o n if beeyons watshz imma tel her to fuk of kuz shes a slut n a fuken fam whor hobag kunt skank wen I find her shizz ded k? o n 2 rhena I just sey lol go bak 2 getin beet up ya ugly ginger"
"And finally, the moronic hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, a bigot in all of his splendor, rumored to having jumped countless Goomba, making him the most infamous rapist of all time, joins our jury! You can count on his non-biased views – AS IF – to give his truthful opinion on the costumes designed by Birdo and Snifit! Welcome, Mario!"
"Let's all have a good time!" Mario exclaimed cheerfully, punching Lakilulu in the mouth.
"On the pink side of the stage, we have Birdo! On the red side of the stage, we have Snifit! Let's give it our all, everyone!" Boo retreated away from the commotion to clean his tongue with soap.
Birdo's first model was Rosalina. She was wearing a dark blue mesmerizing gown which billowed behind her as she advanced gracefully towards the jury. A slit on the right side of the dress let her expose a bit of her leg as she posed for the four raters. Once she returned, Snifit's own model came towards the jury. Tiny Kong was wearing a flashy pink thong and a rainbow bra for only clothes. Her face was coated with heavy make-up making her look like a vulgar prostitute and her hair fell down on her ass. She made a few suggesting poses and exited the scene.
…
The jury huddled together in order to determine who had won the first round.
"I quite liked Snifit's outfit for Tiny," Mario pointed out with a hearty laugh. "I feel he captured Tiny's essence to perfection! Look at her, she's never been more in character!"
"Agreed," Yoshi nodded, confirming Mario's thoughts. "Rosalina was a bit meh, I don't feel like Birdo tried too much with her. But Tiny? Damn, Snifit did a good job. She was the ultimate attention whore."
"I know!" Peach smiled. "I don't think Rosalina's dress was appropriate for her, it revealed too much skin. On the other hand, Tiny's outfit was up to my standards, it wasn't very shocking."
"wat a bich" Queen Bee commented.
…
The second round opposed Wendy, who was on Birdo's team, to Toodles, who was on Snifit's side. As luck would have it, the two tried to step on each other's toes and attempted to trip the other as well. Toodles was wearing a tight corset with pink fluffy fabric on the trim, as well as a creamy garter belt. Because of her old age, her skin drooped low, and Boo decided to wash his eyes with soap to forget the horrific sight. Wendy wore a classy blue blouse and had matching leggings, not not mention dark blue high-heels. Her usual bow had been replaced with a chestnut wig that fell behind her shoulders.
…
"I don't know for you guys, but Birdo loses this match for me. Yet again," Yoshi grinned as he imagined her furious reaction to losing. "She just shouldn't have picked Wendy as a model, it was a definite mistake on her part."
"#2spooky" admitted Queen Bee. The usually upbeat and defiant diva had experienced her phobia, even she was not above being afraid of something.
"Toodles was kind of desirable. At least I didn't lose my boner upon seeing her, unlike what happened with Wendy," the red-clad plumber shook in fright.
"I could have given Birdo my point, if she had put the wig correctly on Wendy!" Peach explained her point of view in a smart way, at least to her. "It was obviously back to front! Who would want to expose such an ugly face to the world?"
…
The third round opposed Donkey Kong to Wario. The hulking primate was wearing a red tank top on which were adorned his initials in gold letters. His bulging muscles could be seen with ease, and even his white tracksuit, which was wet, allowed prying eyes to discern his marvelous body. On the opposite side was Wario who was wearing a simple trash bag. The nefarious man marched on proudly, unafraid of the public's opinion.
…
"dam dks hot I wana bed dis bich so bad I cud spil ma hony rite nao" Queen Bee testified, trying to calm her needs. "tho id sey dat otha guy wuz cray cray in a gud wey"
Yoshi sent a blank stare her way. "Girl, get your eyes checked. There's only one handsome hunk here and it's me."
"o rite sry bout dat" she apologized to the green dinosaur.
"Did you notice Wario's gait?" Peach questioned the others, trying to sound like a pro. "He seemed like he was in total control, as if these clothes had been made for him! He was so confident he earned my vote!"
"Well, the clothes were made for him," Mario pointed out to the daft princess. "Nevertheless, I shall agree with you. As a national hero, I want our citizens to be truly happy no matter the circumstances they may face – unless they're a minority in which case I send them to prison – and Wario showed us that he felt comfortable with himself! Snifit wins this round, I think."
"ima folow u like a sheep 4 1s in ma lief kuz dey wer both gudlukin"
"I'll clinch it," Yoshi gave them a thumbs-up.
…
The decision had been made. Birdo and Snifit were in front of the stage and their models on it. The spectators, Flurrie, Dixie – who had been unable to destroy the wind spirit, Lakilulu, her hair tangled, and Toad, a murderous intent in his eyes, were all gathered near the podium. Boo cleared his throat and was ready to make his announcement.
"The jury has spoken, I now know who won this competition," he tried to build up suspense by staying quiet for a minute but a 'FUCK!' resonated in the area, followed by the sound of a neck being snapped and noisy pink fireworks displaying the word 'Bitch' in the air.
"Oh my, I can be quite ditzy at times!" Toodles fanned herself with her hand as she cast a sideways glance at the corpse of a certain pink-shelled Koopa that had 'unfortunately' fallen from the stage.
"Ugh, you know what? I don't care anymore!" Boo threw his hands in the air, frustrated about the whole situation. "Birdo got destroyed by Snifit and lost all three rounds!" Unnerved, the ghost left the premises to calm himself.
"Booya!" Snifit started to dance like a ballerina before taking out his lighter to smoke some more weed. "Dayumn, who'd have known I'd beat the fashionista herself?" he spoke a little too loudly.
Birdo was livid. Extremely livid. Not accepting her defeat, the pink dinosaur stormed towards Snifit, ready to gut him alive. She rounded the corner of the stage a little too abruptly, however, and tripped onto Snifit's knocked out form, tumbling forward and getting impaled onto Wendy's spikes. Not a minute after that, a fuchsia sow could be seen in the sky, symbolizing Birdo's death.
"Ooooh! So pretty!" Peach clasped her hands together, right next to Mario.
"Indeed, more so than the actual thing," he could not help but add.
"Well, well, well," Toodles laughed to herself, shaking her head at Wendy's limp form. "It looks like I did end up winning our little strife, didn't I? Of course, there was nothing too sur-" She did not have the time to finish her sentence as Toad bashed her head with a hammer, killing her instantly. What was funny, though, was that Toodles fell forward as well and her hand landed onto Wendy's, as if they were two friends who had died together.
"What's that?" Yoshi asked Peach and Mario when he arrived with some popcorn, wanting to admire the fireworks himself.
"Looks like a dry shroom," Mario noted smartly. "A fitting comparison! Mariohohoho!"
Back on stage, Rosalina was scandalized by Toad's behavior and was quick to chide him. "Toad, you must fight these killing urges of yours, they are very bad for your image and will never make you happy. Imagine all the grief you will have once you realize what you have done to poor Toodles. Not Toad, you should never take away anyone's life. No matter how unlucky your perceive yourself to be, always remember that you were the only spermatozoon which made it inside your mother's ovum, so you technically are lucky. This is a fact, Toad, you cannot go against science," as Rosalina tried to talk some sense into him, the mushroom was busy trying to determine which weapon he would use to execute her. During her lecture, Rosalina turned her back to him.
Meanwhile, Tiny had climbed down the stage and was currently yelling into Dixie's ear. "You worthless sister! I told you to kill Flurrie! How hard could it be to kill such a huge target?!"
"I'm sorry, I'll do everything to obtain your forgiveness!" Dixie knelt in front of her sister.
"Just... Ugh! Go kill yourself or something!" Tiny stormed away as Dixie nodded her head with a smile. She found a nice cliff and threw herself from it, her body hitting sharp rocks. Soon afterward, her fireworks could be seen in the sky.
"lemmy gues dis 1 biches... mm, it loks lik sum kinduv dik w/out bals"
"That would be a pink banana," Yoshi deadpanned, prompting Queen Bee to say that she knew that.
"Interesting, I thought it was a boomerang myself," Peach laughed happily, not realizing that the four members of the jury were actually having a good time over their friends' deaths.
"-and think about what your parents would say if they knew what you had done. Surely, they would not be proud to have a murderer in their family, would they? Killing is not an answer, Toad. If you so wish, I could give you some counsels. Let's spread love all over the planet and be friends with everyone!" Rosalina chirped. Unbeknownst to her, Toad had found Snifit's lighter and wanted to use it to burn her alive.
"DIE BITCH!" he shouted as he leaped towards her. However, just as he was about to reach her dress, the princess walked a few steps away, barely avoiding the assault. Toad's momentum was too strong though, and he could not stop in his tracks. Lighter still ablaze, Toad tried to correct his trajectory but in a very unfortunate turn of events, Wario, who had his back turned to him and had consumed canned beans could not hold it any longer and let out a powerful fart which blasted part of the stage in the distance. The nature of his gas was highly inflammable, so it transformed Toad into a blazing torch which died down two minutes later, leaving a crisp body behind.
"Looks like it is the grand finale! Yay!" Peach clapped, as did the other three as they saw a red Smash Ball appear in the sky, trolling the poor mushroom even after his death.
"dam dat wuz awsum but it stil sukd ass konpard to da fiyawoks in my vidoe klips like u av no idea. but den sum poor ppl r angri at me 4 no rezon dey sey I culd hlep a carikatur instead uv blowin ma muni. but ya no i giv no fuk bout dem bichz so I tel dem to blow ledi sass' dik n dat I got no tim 4 uzles pplwho wont by my ablums btw did I tel u guyz 2 by ma new ablum? its kold 'I got no talent but my booty makes up 4 it' plz by it thx biches" Queen Bee exposed her point of view, making sure to include a subtle reference to her work in there.
"Ugh, who cares about your stupid career?" Lakilulu suddenly got in the rapper's face for no reason whatsoever except that she had not gotten a lot of spotlight that episode. "I'm much smarter and more beautiful than you'll ever be. I don't even have to work to get paid and-"
"fuk yo bich" Queen Bee punched the Lakitu in the jaw before throwing her in a bear's cave. Shrieks were heard moments after as the group shared a good laugh.
…
"Woot! That was fun, wasn't it?" Toadsworth winked at the camera as the crowed went wild. "Can you believe it? Goombario, Wendy, Birdo, Toodles, Dixie and Toad all met their demise this episode! We're slowly but surely approaching the end of this Mushroom Coliseum and Lakilulu has yet to die... How can that be?"
"Let her suffer some more!" "Just kill her already!" "I like seeing her hurt!" "Lakitu are the best species ever!" "Are you crazy you moron?!"
"Well, her fate is not in my hands," remarked the mushroom. "In any case, thank you all for watching and see you next time!"
Sorry for the long wait, but here's the next chapter ! I don't expect this story to have more than 9-10 chapters so we're really nearing the end.
Thanks for putting up with my erratic update schedule (or more like my lack of schedule whatsoever) !