OMWGNOTE: Thank you for all of the reviews for the last chapter. I have one comment about this chapter: I think James hates me by now. Read on.
And lol All Time Low is going to be a reoccurring band in the quote section of this story.
"So take my life, I'll hand it to you. And you can try on my clothes, but you can't fill these shoes." –Poison, All Time Low
James had never been one to be a heavy sleeper. The smallest sound or slightest movement would cause him to wake from his slumber. If he was lucky, James could make it through one night without waking up once. But more often than not, James found himself waking periodically throughout the evening, whether it be from nightmares or the sound of Kendall shutting the bathroom door after using it at three in the morning. Even with the influence of medication helping his sleep, James woke up for the second time that morning feeling someone's eyes on him.
He opened his eyes slowly and was met with Kendall's curious green stare on him. James arched an eyebrow in confusion, seeing that Kendall was rolled up next to James' bed and sitting in his wheelchair, smiling at James as if it were completely normal to be doing such a thing.
"Good morning?" James said, and while he meant to say it as a greeting, it came out as a question instead.
Kendall beamed at him. "Hi," He said, still watching James intently after rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "It's almost breakfast time," He said matter-of-factly.
James nodded. "Okay," He said. "Why are you sitting in my chair?"
"Oh," His friend commented, looking down at James' wheelchair as if he just noticed he were sitting in it. "No one else is awake but my mom so I got bored."
Chuckling, James asked, "So you decided to watch me sleep?"
"Yup," Kendall said, nodding. "It's kind of weird watching you sleep. I mean, your upper body tosses and turns and you move your arms a lot but your legs always stay still. The reason is obvious but it still looks funny."
James pushed himself into a sitting position. "Well," He began, "That's what being paralyzed does to you, I guess." He and Kendall fell into an awkward silence for a moment, neither one of them wanting to dwell on the subject of James' paralysis. "Do you want to help me out of bed?" James asked after an extended period of silence.
In response, Kendall nodded again, getting up out of James' chair and pulling the covers off his friend's legs. Then, like he had earlier that morning, he lifted James from the mattress, cradling his friend in his arms. Kendall stepped back a minimum of two steps and then slowly eased James into his wheelchair, setting him down carefully.
James waited until Kendall unlocked his wheelchair and when he did, James immediately set off. James knew that his friend probably wanted to push him and that's exactly why James made it so he couldn't be pushed. Although the gesture was kind and he appreciated each one of his friends for wanting to help him out, he didn't like the feeling of being pushed. It made him feel like he was a toddler in a stroller and was incapable of doing anything himself.
Kendall and James both arrived at the kitchen area to find Mrs. Knight searching around in the kitchen.
"Hey Mom," Kendall greeted, walking up to his mother and planting a kiss on her cheek. "Whatcha making?"
She sighed. "Well, I was going to make pancakes, but someone left the milk out and now it's gone bad. I'll have to go get a new gallon if I want to make anything."
James blushed. "Sorry, Mrs. Knight," He called from next to the table. "That was me. I went to take some medication this morning and, long story short, I ended up falling of the counter on top of Logan and then me and Logan and Kendall never put the milk away."
Mrs. Knight turned to her son's friend, giving him a small smile. "It's alright, sweetie," She said, grabbing her purse of the counter. "But you're the one that gets to break it to Carlos that his breakfast won't be here until I get back."
Laughing, James agreed to his best friend's mother's conditions and with a kiss to Kendall's cheek, Mrs. Knight was off in search of the nearest convenience store to buy a gallon of milk.
Kendall went to sit at one of the bar stools and expected James to do the same. But when he realized there was no way James would be able to join him at the kitchen island, he quickly changed his destination to the table, plopping down in his normal dinner chair. James followed his example and rolled up to the empty seat next to him, leaning forward and resting his chin on his arms.
"I hate this," James grumbled, all traces of cheeriness from before suddenly gone.
Kendall watched his friend in concern, wondering where his happy, carefree best friend went. He assumed that part of James was damaged along with the nerve endings in his back. "What do you hate?" He asked softly, even though he knew fully well what James was talking about.
James glanced at him from the corner of his eye, giving Kendall a half glare. "Being paralyzed," He explained. "I have to get help with everything. I can't even get in or out of bed without you or Carlos helping me."
"I think that's why they wanted you to do the physical therapy, James," Kendall informed him with a sigh. "It'll help you be independent again and then one day, you won't need anyone's help. You'll be able to do all of these things on your own, just like you used to be able to."
James sighed, turning to look at Kendall with teary eyes. "One day," He mused sadly. "I don't want to be like this forever, Kendall."
"I'm sorry, James," Kendall said with sincerity. "If there was anything I could do about it, I would. But there's no cure for paralysis, and it kills me to say that. As much as we all hate it, you the most, chances are you're going to be stuck like that for the rest of your life."
James buried his head into his arms again. "Your pep-talks have gotten horrible, Kendall," He mumbled, trying to hold back the tears.
Kendall pulled James into a one-armed hug. "I know," He said. "But I don't give good pep talks when I'm scared."
"You're scared?" James asked, disbelief in his voice as he lifted his head to peer at his friend. Kendall was many things: a leader, a great friend, a wonderful brother. But while James knew that everyone got scared, he just couldn't fathom the possibility of Kendall ever being scared.
Kendall nodded. "Terrified, really," He said, his voice unashamed.
James was still confused. "But why would you be scared?"
"Terrified," Kendall corrected him. "I've been terrified ever since that night. When the car was headed for you, when Logan went to save you, especially when you got hit. When you were screaming like that, James…I thought you were dying.
"Thank God you didn't die," Kendall breathed, turning away from James for a moment to collect himself. But then he turned back, looking James straight in the eye. "I was terrified when you said your back hurt. I was terrified when your doctor told us that you were paralyzed. And then all I could think about was History Freshman year. Remember when we learned about World War I and the aftermath of being in the war? We watched that video. What was it called?"
James racked his brain to try to remember. "Um," He said, knowing exactly what Kendall was talking about but not quite remembering the name. "All Quiet on the Western Front," He suddenly remembered, grinning when Kendall gave him a grin of his own and nodded.
"Yeah," Kendall said. "That movie. All I could remember was the boy who got hurt in one of the battles and had to get his leg amputated. Remember him?"
"Mhmm," James said, nodding his head. It was hard to forget him; their teacher had used him as an example and then proceeded to go on a tangent about how many survivors of both World Wars I and II who were also amputees were often depressed after losing one of their limbs.
Kendall turned away from James. "I mean, I know it's different in a way…" He trailed off, looking out the window. "But I was afraid—and I still am—that you were going to react the same way he did when he lost his leg. He was so depressed. I remember that he and the main character were best friends and the main character just had to watch his best friend spiral into depression right before his eyes." He turned to James then. "Being paralyzed is just as bad, if not worse. I don't want to see you become depressed, James. It would kill me to see that."
The boy in the wheelchair had no response to his friend's words. There was no way that James could reassure Kendall that he wouldn't become depressed; He had only been paralyzed for around a week and a half and already, he was feeling his spirits being pulled down with the realization that he may never be able to walk again. There was no telling whether or not James' condition would become worse in the future. However, he could guarantee Kendall one thing.
"I promise that if I ever do become depressed," He started, "You'll be the first to know, okay? If I'm ever feeling truly horrible I'll make sure to go to you or Carlos or Logan before I do anything drastic, okay?" James brought up this point because he knew that Kendall might remember another movie they watched in history, Swing Kids, in which a crippled boy killed himself because he was frowned upon for being different.
Kendall nodded. "Alright," He finally said. "Just please stick to your word, James. I wouldn't be able to watch you suffer like that."
"I promise, Kendall," James swore, and that was a promise that he intended to keep.
Mrs. Knight returned with the new gallon of milk around ten minutes after James and Kendall finished their heartfelt conversation. Soon after the only adult resident of 2J started making pancakes, the smell drifted throughout the entire apartment and woke the other three inhabitants.
The minute Logan stepped foot into the kitchen, James apologized for that morning, as far as falling on top of his friend and hurting him and then making it worse by getting into a fight. To James' relief, Logan forgave him and also apologized for being a bit snippy. By the time breakfast was over, the bad blood that had briefly been formed between Logan and James was gone.
After breakfast, James excused himself to he and Kendall's room and pulled out the laptop his father had bought for him a while ago. He opened it and pressed the power button, waiting for the computer to turn on.
While waiting, James drummed his fingers on the armrest of his wheelchair. His discussion with Kendall had sparked curiosity within him; was there a cure for paralysis?
The topic hadn't come up once within their conversation, but talking about depression had gotten James thinking. He knew that, eventually, if he stayed like this, he would become depressed at some point. The fact that he couldn't walk anymore brought overwhelming sadness to him as he awoke each morning, and James knew that it was only a matter of time before he went off the deep end. But if there was a cure for his condition…then he could be happy and Kendall wouldn't have to worry about him.
Finally, his screen illuminated with life and after a few seconds, he moved his mouse to click on the Internet Explorer icon at the top of the screen. He waited for only a few moments before his homepage popped up, making him aware of that day's news and the current weather in Los Angeles.
He ignored both of these and typed Google into the web address bar, hitting enter and then seeing the search engine appear before him. He began to type in "spinal cord injury repair" when the suggested search came on. It said exactly what he had typed, but the words "stem cell" were added onto it. Curious, James clicked on the option and was met with thousands of results in a few seconds.
James scrolled down and picked one of the first few options, waiting for the page to load. Once it did, he was greeted by several words he didn't know but, for the most part, he could understand what the article was trying to tell him.
"A new study has found that transplantation of stem cells from the lining of the spinal cord, called ependymal stem cells, reverses paralysis associated with spinal cord injuries in laboratory tests…" He read. Suddenly, James felt excitement fill him to the brim and he continued reading.
"When these cells were transplanted into animals with spinal cord injury, they regenerated ten times faster while in the transplant subject than similar cells derived from healthy control animals." Regenerated…did that mean that the cells were reformed? James felt a smile grace his features as he continued to read. "In many spinal injuries, the cord is not actually severed, and at least some of the signal-carrying nerve cells remain intact. However, the surviving nerve cells may no longer carry messages because oligodendrocytes, which comprise the insulating sheath of the spinal cord, are lost."
His eyes skipped over a huge paragraph including words he didn't understand until he came across the third to last paragraph. "Currently, there are no effective therapies to reverse this disabling condition in humans. However, the presence of these stem cells in the adult human spinal cords suggests that stem cell-associated mechanisms might be exploited to repair human spinal cord injuries."
James felt his heart drop into his stomach. So paralyzed animals were able to reform damaged cells and walk again, but he wasn't? He went back to the Google response page and clicked his way through a few other sites regarding the topic. Most of them talked about the huge breakthrough with stem cells, which had been making healthy paralyzed rats able to regain limited movement in their hind legs. Even if it was limited, James would kill to have any movement in his legs at all.
Even though he hadn't been paralyzed nearly as long as other people had, he still continued to search. One site told him that in the near future, ten human volunteers would be subjected to the stem cell treatment to see if they could regain movement in the disabled part of their body.
James was going to make sure he was one of those people. He wouldn't be able to do this for the rest of his life; always seek help from his friends or someone else, have every day be a struggle. It wasn't how James Diamond worked.
He was independent and he always had been. And he would be damned if he let his disability get in his way.
Suddenly the door opened, revealing Carlos with a smile on his face. James quickly shut out of his window, closing his laptop without even turning it off first.
"Hey," Carlos said, leaning against the doorframe. "What're you doing?"
James shrugged. "Just looking up some things," He said, setting the laptop on his bed. Before Carlos could comment, James asked, "Is there a reason why you're in here?"
Carlos seemed to think hard for a moment before finally remembering his purpose for being in James' room. "Oh yeah!" He said, his face lighting up. "Me and Kendall and Logan wanted to know if you up to playing Battle Blast 4. 'Cause we kind of didn't get to play it last night and it's always best with four players." He smiled brightly, willing James to join them.
"Sure," James said, giving Carlos a smile in return. Carlos' smile only widened and he held the door open for James, motioning for his friend to exit the room. James wheeled himself forward, careful not to hit the doorway on his way out.
As he and Carlos made their way into the living room, James wasn't feeling as excited as he normally would be. Usually Battle Blast 4 was one of his favorite activities, especially when playing it with his friends. But as he saw all of his best friends seated on the couch and knowing he couldn't sit there with them made James feel a twinge of jealousy and sadness. He was jealous that his friends were able to sit on the couch, yet he felt upset because he knew that he couldn't join them.
But instead of showing how he truly felt, James plastered a smile on his face, just like he always had when things weren't going his way. He just hoped that sometime in the near future, things would go his way and he wouldn't have to hide things from his friends anymore.
OMWGNOTE: afaskldfjalk this chapter was supposed to turn out much better. But every time I look up stem cell research, the results change. From once source a few weeks ago it said that human testing was currently occurring and yet on another it said that stem cell was much too risky to use on humans. Either way, this chapter was originally intended to be a lot more angsty.
Sorry for the lack in update, by the way. I've been working on this story that's going to be posted as a Christmas present for Miss Fenway and it's halfway done and just broke 14,000 words. So that's been pretty time consuming. But I just turned in this giant thesis paper today so I'll probably have a lot more free time now.
Anyway. Sorry for this crap chapter. I promise the next one will be better. Review?