A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who read & reviewed last chapter! It means more to me than I can articulate (though I seem to try a lot).
Finally a happy-ish chapter! After all of that angst, it was bound to happen some time (if only at the end).
This chapter starts before Remus and Tonks' conversation in Ginny's room and is the same scenario from his POV. He had to explain himself somehow, didn't he?
Chapter 7 is dedicated to Hannah, StrawberryFields, Fanfiction fan, and MAD4moony7, who left wonderful reviews on the last chapter but who I couldn't PM to thank. Thanks so much for the feedback!
Chapter 7 - Making Things Right
Remus Lupin climbed the stairs towards Ginny Weasley's room slowly, preparing himself to talk to Nymphadora Tonks. He knew he had to be strong for her, but a part of him wanted nothing more than to find Avery and rip him limb from limb.
How had he not seen the signs that she'd been tortured? Was he really so naïve as to think she was just in shock? Or, worse, had he really known what'd happened all along but been too afraid to accept it? He shook his head at himself as he opened the bedroom door as quietly as possible and approached Tonks.
The sight of her threatened to break his heart.
She was sitting, staring dazedly out of the window, tears staining her face, wearing a large purple robe and looking far too small and weak to be an Auror, let alone a member of a secret evil-fighting society.
He watched her for a moment before hesitantly placing his hand on her shoulder. She immediately jumped about a meter, reaching around herself for her wand, he assumed, recoiling from him, making a whimpering sound that made him flinch.
He'd frightened her horribly, no doubt. She seemed to calm a bit when she saw it was him, but she still clutched her robes around herself tightly, defensively. When she looked up at him and tried to smile, he felt his heart break a little more. She was completely natural - not morphed at all - and she was beautiful, despite the tear stains.
When she looked at him apologetically, for what, he wasn't sure, he reminded himself why he was there. He needed answers. He needed to know what had happened, and why she hadn't told him, and whether or not she trusted him or felt the same way or anything - he just needed to know.
"What happened to you?" He asked her as levelly as possible.
She took a deep breath and looked up at him, and he felt his resolve shake when her gaze met his. Her eyes were pleading, full of tears, begging him not to make her say anything. He'd never seen her as a child, like many others had, until that moment. But she, for once, seemed young and child-like as she gazed at him, so vulnerable and raw and pleading. She looked as if she couldn't say it, whatever it was, and yet he needed to know.
So it broke his heart, but he stood there, waiting for her to speak, knowing she didn't want to but knowing he needed her to. He waited patiently as Tonks opened her mouth, but she didn't seem capable of saying anything and her voice instead died in her throat.
He felt himself soften a bit at her attempt and decided to help her by quietly prompting, "Molly says you have a scar."
The effect was instantaneous; she immediately avoided his eyes and Remus knew he'd hit a nerve.
"Where is it?" He asked, voice a bit harsher than he expected.
Tonks still did not look at him, but Remus saw some tears sliding down her face and wanted to give in right there. He hated to see her cry; she almost never did. The fact that she was crying now, however, only made him more determined to figure out what had happened.
"Nymphadora-" He started, the pain causing his voice to be gruffer than he meant it to be.
"Don't call me that." She snapped, on reflex, before widening her eyes when she realized she'd spoken.
Remus almost smiled. In retrospect, it was brilliant - she always responded if she heard her first name. But he was too determined to laugh just then.
"Where is it?" He asked, stepping towards her. "Show me, Dora."
Her eyes widened almost imperceptibly with fear, and he once again almost backed down just then, seeing her scared. But she closed her eyes, stood up, and, with the air of someone doing something excruciatingly unpleasant, opened her robes and pulled them down on the left to reveal a mark. At first glance it was a rectangular red spot, but when he looked closer at it he felt his heart stop.
There, in between her left collar bone and breast, carved into her perfect, soft, porcelain skin, were five letters. Whore.
She was looking away from him, eyes still screwed shut, and he saw more tears leak past as she managed to choke, "I'll never feel clean again, Remus."
In the moments that followed it was all Remus could do to keep himself from doing some very inappropriate things. His first thought, first instinct, was to get Sirius and go find Avery. He wanted nothing more than to hurt him for what he'd done to Dora, to his Dora, to someone so perfect and pure and innocent and sweet. He felt himself shaking with anger but knew he had to be there for her, for Dora, and knew his silence was probably hurting her.
So he took a deep breath and managed, in a tone surprisingly controlled, "He didn't - you weren't - did he?"
Her bitter laugh startled him. "Is it really so hard for everyone to say?" She spat, glancing back at him angrily.
He felt his insides drop, but it was. It was hard to say. He couldn't imagine, couldn't let himself think - and yet there she was, telling him what happened, and he still couldn't let himself accept that she'd been-
"No, he didn't rape me." She said after a moment, seeming to realize the conclusion Remus'd drawn. The first bit of relief set in before she continued, "He was well on his way to when the Cruciatus didn't work, but you came first."
The relief pouring through him was gone so quickly it was as if it hadn't been there to begin with.
He didn't rape her, Remus reminded himself quickly, he didn't rape her, but he did hurt her. He tried to. He was going to. He would have.
Remus forced himself to let go of the rage inside him and focus on the present. She was angry again, hurt, and he was standing there, useless.
He watched, pained, as she brought a hand to her face to stifle a sob and began to speak quickly, desperately. "I'm sorry, Remus, I didn't mean that, I just...it was my fault, all my fault! I blew our cover, I was so weak, I wasn't on my guard...it was so easy for them. I should've-I should've fought harder..." She was saying.
Remus felt himself wilt at her words - how could she blame herself? He began to reach for her just as she said, "And now I've ruined-ruined everything, and Remus...I'm so, so sorry." She sank back towards the chair behind her, shrugging off her robes as she did so.
Remus stopped mid-reach as the moonlight from the window hit her pale skin. There, all over her slender, shaking arms, were ugly, purple bruises in the shapes of Avery's hands.
He was well on his way to, she'd said.
Remus felt his stomach churn as her words were brought back to him.
When the Cruciatus didn't work...
She'd been tortured, with the Cruciatus Curse, and now, as he saw her bruises, a much more graphic image of what had happened to her formed in his mind, and Remus felt anger akin to nothing he'd ever experienced before bubbling inside of him.
He didn't realize he'd sucked in a sharp breath until Tonks glanced up at him. He felt his hands curl into fists as he thought, more and more, about the pain Avery'd caused her, the hurt, the wounds. He knew that it was a matter of seconds before he'd explode, be upset, be overcome by the infinite number of emotions he'd just been presented with - and he didn't want her to see his anger, his pain, his guilt, when she needed him to be strong.
How he managed to say, "Tonks...I-I think it would be best if I was alone for a bit," was a mystery to him in that moment, but manage to say it he did. She got up and grabbed her wand and disapparated just as the dam broke.
The second she disappeared Remus let out a long string of curses he'd never once said before and probably wouldn't ever say again. He wasn't sure what possessed him to begin pacing, or how he managed to not break anything in Ginny's room. He didn't know how he managed not to hit something, as he wanted to, or how his hands had found their way to his hair, which he was tugging at.
There were too many emotions running through him for him to sort through in the moments that followed. First and foremost was anger, protectiveness, fury that erupted within him in a way it almost never did.
It was the same anger he'd felt when he thought Sirius'd betrayed James and Lily and killed Peter. The same anger as when Sirius'd told Snape how to get past the whomping willow fifth year. The same anger as when Dolores Umbridge had passed her first round of anti-werewolf legislation.
He was furious - beyond furious, livid - at Avery for hurting her. Furious that he'd seemed to have, in the span of an hour, robbed her of her youthfulness, her happiness, her lighthearted joy and her zest for life.
More painful than the anger, however, was the guilt. It set in after he'd calmed down a bit, after he'd stopped clutching at his own hair and realized that anger would get him nowhere. The guilt set in quickly afterwards, and he sunk onto Ginny's bed, his head falling to his hands.
He'd promised - both himself and Sirius - to keep her safe. He'd failed her. He was supposed to protect her, supposed to be on his guard, not flirting with her. Had he not been dancing with her, would they have been attacked? Probably not. Had he gotten to her quicker, had he fought harder, had he not let them get separated - he'd failed her as a partner.
And then there was the pain, the sorrow, the fear, the hurt. She hadn't trusted him with it, and he could deny it all he wanted, but that hurt. It hurt to think she couldn't be vulnerable with him, but he knew she just needed time, space...and there was the sorrow, that she'd had to go through that, that she'd been in so much pain, that she'd lost her ability to be bubbly. And then the pain, the pain of seeing her cry, of seeing her hurt, of seeing her wounded and scarred and everything he'd never wanted for her. He loved her more than he could comprehend, and seeing her so hurt...it was physically painful.
But then, after he'd calmed himself down, the worst idea of all struck him. Rational thought returned and he realized, all too late, what she must have thought. She'd seemed so ashamed to tell him, to show him the scar, to explain...she seemed ashamed and vulnerable, and what had he done? He'd sent her away. He cursed himself even more loudly, realizing what his reaction must have seemed like to her.
Suddenly he had to see her, had to explain himself, had to make her understand why it was he needed to be alone. She must've thought he'd not wanted to be with her or something, and he had to find her, before he'd ruined things, before it was too late.
Remus took the stairs back to the kitchen two at a time, bursting through the door just as everyone was sitting down to eat. Sirius and Molly looked up at him expectantly, only to seem put out when they saw that he was alone.
Without saying a word to either of them, Remus dashed forward and grabbed his cloak, which had his wand, and moved towards the door to disapparate.
"Remus, dear?" Molly asked, looking at him confusedly.
"Terribly sorry, Molly, but I've got to go." He said hurriedly before turning to Bill. "Happy birthday, Bill, in case I don't see you later on." Bill nodded at him, no doubt baffled, but Remus just smiled slightly and turned and darted out the door.
"Remus! Remus, wait!" He heard Molly call.
He strode a few paces before reluctantly stopping and waiting. Sure enough, she bustled out of the door a moment later.
"What happened?" She panted, not bothering to mask her concern.
Feeling desperate to leave as soon as possible Remus cut to the chase. "Tonks went home and I need to see her."
"She what?" Molly all but shrieked.
"She went home." Remus repeated, starting to bounce on the balls of his feet, not wanting to waste any more time talking to Molly. "She doesn't understand, I've made a huge mistake. She-she misunderstood, she thinks..." He muttered, wondering exactly what she thought. That he thought she wasn't pure now? "Oh, Merlin, I just have to see her, I have to explain!" He blabbered, wanting desperately to disapparate.
Molly looked too stunned to speak, no doubt because of his lack of control.
"I'll come by later, okay? Once she's all right again, I've just got to explain..." Remus started, begging Molly with his eyes to let him go.
She nodded, mouth slightly agape, and it was all the permission Remus needed. He gave her a nod and turned on the spot, thinking of Dora's flat.
When Remus arrived he wasted no time in undoing the wards on her door. He opened it silently, entered, and closed it behind him with a soft click. He stood stock-still for a moment before hearing her in the bathroom.
Remus approached the door and cursed himself when he heard her sobbing on the other side. He'd made her cry, caused her pain, hurt her further...he shook his head at himself, raised his fist, took a deep breath, and prepared to make things right.
~ o0o ~
Nymphadora Tonks had spent a few moments on the floor by the door to her flat, having slid down the wall the second she'd gotten inside, before she found the strength to move to the bathroom and splash some water on her face. There, she'd looked into the mirror and her mousy brown hair reminded her of Remus' sandy brown, graying hair, and she'd dissolved into sobs once more, remembering the horrified look on his face and the way he'd called her Tonks.
It was with these thoughts that she found herself crying for what felt like the millionth time that night. She cried more than most infants, for Merlin's sake, yet she couldn't stop herself, not then. Not with her worst fear confirmed.
She thought she'd jump out of her skin when she heard a soft knock on the bathroom door. She hadn't heard anyone enter her flat and was beginning to panic when the intruder spoke.
"Tonks? Nymphadora?"
Remus' voice was tentative and extra-hoarse and only made her want to sob even harder.
"Dora, please let me in..."
He sounded almost vulnerable, she thought idly, trying to stop crying and failing. It even took Tonks a moment to realize he'd called her Dora. Not Tonks, Dora.
"I need to explain...I don't want you to misunderstand..."
She could almost picture his face, worried and tormented, pleading for her to open the door. But she was not ready to, not ready to face him, not ready to hear his 'explanation' or whatever he had to say.
"Dora? I'm not going to hurt you, I swear, I just have to explain...Dora, please!"
He was begging now, but nothing could change his reaction, his face, his words. He'd made his views perfectly clear.
"Dora..."
His tone was bordering on finality, but Tonks made no move to let him in - he'd hurt her enough.
"I'm coming in!"
Tonks made a sort of startled sound of protest but it was far too late. The door had opened and there, in the doorway, stood Remus Lupin. When he found her huddled on the floor his face broke.
Tonks felt slightly disconcerted by his lack of stoicism - he was never this open, never this expressive. His face was not controlled, or calm, or collected; it was raw, open, and hurt.
"Oh, Merlin, Dora...I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He gasped, falling to his knees, sitting there with her on the cold, tiled floor.
His words barely reached her ears before Tonks' despair was replaced by anger, and she found herself glaring at him. "Sorry for reacting the way you did or sorry that I'm no longer pure?" She heard herself spit in a surprisingly even and venomous voice.
He looked as if he'd been slapped. "No, you don't understand! When you told me..." His voice trailed off, and a part of Tonks was glad to see him lose his cool confidence and instead be stuttering, searching for the right words. "It's my fault, all of it, and I just - you're so perfect, so incredible, and I never wanted anything to happen to you-"
"Well it's too late for that, isn't it?" She responded fiercely, completely unaware as to why she was so furious or where her strength was coming from. He'd hurt her, that much she knew. She wanted him to hurt like she did.
His face told her she'd succeeded. The hurt was evident as he whispered, "Dora, please-"
"It's Tonks." She spat.
He looked crushed. "Tonks...when you told me what happened I wasn't upset because you were 'no longer pure' or anything like that." He said quickly and desperately.
"I was upset because I'd sworn - to Sirius and to myself - that I'd protect you. I'd sworn I'd never let anything happen to you, and then we go there and you captivate me and I let my guard down and - and don't you see? It's all my fault!" He said, sounding completely vulnerable and pained.
He took an unsteady breath and kept talking, seeming to know he had to take her stunned silence for granted while it lasted. "I should've never let that happen to you, I should've stopped them earlier and gotten to you sooner, I should've been there when you needed me and I wasn't! I wasn't there for you, you see? It's all my fault, I've caused you all this pain-"
Tonks finally found her voice and managed to choke out, "It's not your fault, Remus. It's his fault."
He shook his head vigorously. "No, Dora, I should've protected you, like I said I would. I should've been there when you needed me. And then I just left you, last night...I shouldn't have done that, either."
Tonks felt herself soften at his expression, the shame he felt in his actions clear. "I pushed you away." She admitted hoarsely, feebly.
He shook his head. "I shouldn't have let you. I knew something was wrong, but a part of me wanted to believe you were just in shock, and I didn't know what to do, because you kept telling me you wanted me to leave, to respect your wishes. And I did, but I shouldn't have done, it was so stupid of me-"
Now it was Tonks' turn to shake her head. "I shouldn't have made you leave. I shouldn't have been so-so awful. I needed you. But I had to be alone, I had to be okay. I couldn't-couldn't bear to feel so...dirty." The last word was barely a whisper, but she knew he'd heard by the way he looked at her.
And it was too much, again, and she dissolved into sobs once more, fighting to take steadying breaths and failing to calm herself down. Tonks started when she felt Remus' arm rest on her shoulders but she didn't pull away. He paused, seeming to make sure it was okay with her, before slipping his other arm beneath her knees and suddenly she was being carried out of the bathroom and into the living room.
Tonks sniffed and accepted the handkerchief Remus offered her after he'd set her down on a sofa. She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. She wasn't quite brave enough to meet his eyes so she looked down, but he knelt in front of her, dipping his own head to match her gaze.
He didn't say anything at first, just met her gaze unflinchingly. In his eyes Tonks saw nothing but compassion. There was no disgust, no anger, nothing she'd feared she'd find. Instead, his eyes were soft, concerned, caring. There was pain, too - but it seemed pain on her behalf, worry for her.
His gaze helped still her sobs, helped lessen the weight on her. He wasn't disgusted, he couldn't be and still look at her like he was. Tonks felt her breathing even a bit, and though tears were still flowing down her face, she was calm enough to hear every soft word Remus spoke.
"Dora," he started, eyes searching her own, "don't ever think you're dirty. Not for a second." His voice was barely above a whisper and yet it was strong, firm.
Tonks felt herself begin to shake, her tears flowing faster at his earnestness, his tenderness. This didn't escape him, for he began reaching for her before stopping, hesitating, as if afraid she'd push him away again. But Tonks, finally, was calm, and wanted his comfort, and so she disentangled one arm from around her knees to grasp his hand and tug him towards the seat next to her. When he sat and hesitated once more, one arm hovering above her shoulders, she leaned into him, pressing her face into his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist, holding onto his shirt.
She felt Remus sigh, perhaps in relief, and his arms came around her, firmly. He held her tightly but gently, rubbing her back as she cried into his chest.
"Dora, it's okay, you're not dirty...shh..." He murmured, arms tightening around her, head resting against her own. Tonks could only shake her head, but he continued to whisper soft reassurances into her hair, rubbing her back soothingly.
Tonks, for her part, started to finally relax her tensed muscles as she breathed in his scent and allowed the faint sound of his heartbeat and rhythmic breathing to calm her. She felt almost tired as they sat there, for what seemed like ages, in a relatively comfortable silence, until he spoke again.
"Why didn't you want to tell me?" His tone was not accusing or harsh but gentle, curious.
Tonks took a shuddering breath and let it out, moving away from him to look into his still caring eyes. "I-I couldn't, Remus. Not after everything, not after what he'd done. I didn't-I didn't want you to see me that way." She admitted quietly.
"See you what way?" He asked gently, gaze intent on her face.
"See me dirty...broken...weak. I just - I feel as if I'll never be able to wash the feeling away. I feel like I'll never be clean again. I'll never not feel his hands on me and-and I don't think I'll be like I was - like I used to be." She spluttered, pushing her face back into his chest to avoid his eyes.
Tonks felt Remus' grip on her tighten, if that was possible, and he said, "I'm here, Dora. I don't know what else I can do, what else I can say, but I'm here, okay?"
Tonks nodded, savoring the warmth and almost-security he provided. But even though she tried, really tried, to let go of the tight feeling still in her stomach, she couldn't.
"I'm scared, Remus." She whispered eventually.
"Of what?" He murmured, pulling away to meet her eyes.
"I'm scared that-that I'll always be afraid to be touched now, that I'll never feel clean again. I'm scared of always feeling scared. And-" Tonks faltered, not sure if she could voice her deepest fear yet.
But Remus wasn't content for her to stop there, and he gently prompted, "And what, Dora?"
Tonks paused, pulling further back from Remus, sitting up and putting her face into her hands, trying to gather the strength to say what had been bothering her most since it had happened, since Avery had said it himself. The seconds stretched on, but Remus waited, patiently, until she finally took a deep breath and admitted, "I'm scared that-that nobody will want me, not now, not after this."
She didn't dare move her head from her arms for fear of seeing his face, and she fidgeted, nervous, exposed, but she didn't have to wait long for his response.
"Don't think that." He said quickly, steadfastly, standing to move in front of her and meet her eyes once more.
"But...but how could they? How could they, Remus?" She asked, her voice rising and shaking, standing up as well and meeting his eyes frantically. "I'm not 'clean' anymore, I'm not-not how I used to be, not so trusting or bubbly, and I'm-I'm scarred. Nobody would want-"
"Don't say that, Dora. Never say that." He interrupted, voice raised only so she'd hear him through her distraught rant.
Tonks shook her head vigorously, refusing to be calmed down, voice lurching and sticking around tears. She felt cold without his arms around her. "No, they won't, not anymore. Nobody could still want me after this-"
"I do." He interrupted her so softly and so quietly that she didn't register his words at first.
"And I - what?" Tonks stopped abruptly, eyes meeting his in surprise.
"I do." He repeated. "I still want you, Dora. This doesn't change that."
"You-you still-?" She stuttered, feeling suddenly foolish.
"Yes, I still want you." He said it even quieter this time, as if wondering if it was really the right thing to say. "I have since you first tripped over that umbrella stand all those months ago, and nothing can change that, especially not this."
Tonks blinked at him a second longer, wondering whether she'd heard him properly. When he smiled nervously at her she realized that he had, in fact, just said what she thought he had. A moment later she was throwing her arms around him.
"Oh, Remus..." She murmured, burying her face in his chest, feeling him wrap his arms around her as he so often did. "I'm sorry, I just - it hurt, it hurt so badly, and I'm afraid it'll never stop hurting, and I took it out on you, and I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to feel sorry about, Dora." He murmured into her hair, resting his chin on the top of her head.
Tonks let out a shaky sigh, feeling the tears finally start to dry up. She almost smiled when she felt Remus press a light kiss to the top of her head.
"What can I do, Dora?" He asked softly. "Tell me what I can do to help you."
"You're already doing it." She told him honestly, in a voice muffled by his shirt, before feeling her smile fade.
It was true, she was feeling better than she since it had happened, and yet the thought of him letting go of her made her feel as though he was what was holding her together, and if he stopped, she'd be back in pieces once more.
"Just don't-don't let me go." She whispered, feeling his arms tighten almost imperceptibly around her.
"I won't." He promised.
"Stay with me?" She asked, slightly hopeful, slightly nervous.
Remus began to rub her back once more as he responded, "Until you ask me not to."
A/N: Thanks for reading!
I was very unsure of this chapter; I don't really see Remus as an angry person, but at the same time I think that he'd be furious on Tonks' behalf (and we do catch a glimpse of a bit of a temper in DH and various breaks in stoicism throughout the series). I was also a bit unsure of their interactions; Tonks is very vulnerable in front of Remus, and I think it'd be hard for her, which is why she comes off as harsh at the beginning.
Anyway, comforting Remus is finally here, and here to stay (there's a lot more of him next chapter)! How'd you like him? Did he put Remus back in your good books?
There's only one chapter left and it should be up soon!