Chapter 7, Gift Of Life.
Her eyes have been open for a while now, but thankfully, neither of her sons noticed. Both Gohan and Goten have been sitting on the same side of the bed, looking in the direction of the door in silence as though they are expecting a miracle to come bursting in through it.
She's glad that none of her sons saw her coming to consciousness, because she needed a moment to herself first. She didn't want them to fuss over her and ask her over, and over if she's okay or if she needs anything, so she silently remained as she had been, to gather her thoughts and figure some things out. Especially concerning her future, amongst remembering what happened and where she is.
But she's had enough time to herself now, Chi-Chi thinks as she moves to sit up in bed, it's time that she lets her sons know that she's awake. At the same time that she chooses to sit up, the door gently opens and Piccolo -Piccolo of all people- comes into the room. She doesn't know how long she's been passed out for, but she's sure that Gohan must've at least found a way to tell Goku the news, so in the back of her mind, when the door opened, she only expected Goku to be the one to enter the room. Because honestly, who else would drop everything just to see her?
But evidently, (and this fact makes her heart twist sombrely for an unknown reason) Piccolo did drop everything to be here.
As he quietly closes the door behind him, he makes direct eye contact with her for a brief second before looking away to the two boys. She appreciates what he did there; she appreciates how he didn't announce her being awake by keeping his eyes on her long enough to alert the boys. She really appreciates that he's allowing her the right to announce her consciousness to her sons. One day, she makes a mental note, she'll have to verbally tell him that she appreciates him as a living being, and that she especially admires him for being an important part of their family through Gohan. That day, though, she thinks through a sigh, is not today, because today is...
'Gohan, Goten,' Piccolo starts, and secretly fleets his eyes to her for a fraction, to include her in the conversation, 'Goku's here.'
Briefly forgetting her own feelings on the fact that Goku has finally arrived, Chi-Chi watches as both of her sons jump out of their seats to meet Piccolo at the announcement. It's clear to her that her sons have been waiting for their father to get here all along, and it's only then, that she remembers to feel concerning Goku's arrival.
One specific part of her, isn't surprised that Goku's only making it now, because he has the record for always being late, but another part of her, wishes that for just this once, he wouldn't have been late to come and see her.
'Where is he?' Goten asks, sounding frantic, as though he can't wait any longer.
'He's here,' Piccolo answers, distracting Chi-Chi away from her thoughts to think that it's typical of him to answer that.
'Where?' Goten impatiently whines, sounding a lot like his father.
Slowly, Piccolo lifts a finger to point towards her on the bed. Confused, she stares hard at him, silently asking him to explain what it is he thinks he's doing, when Goten happily shrieks, 'Mom! You're awake!'
She barely has time to realise that Goten and Gohan followed Piccolo's finger with their eyes, when Gohan lets out his own excited exclamation, 'Dad!'
The word, 'Dad' nearly gives her a heart attack, making her quickly turn to the other side of her bed to see Goku right beside her bed, thanks to his instant transmission thing. She sees him standing outside the glass of the window of the room, but still her heart doesn't stop its frantic rush. It may take a while yet for it to return to normal, especially now that Goku's here.
While Goten rushes to her side, to awkwardly throw his arms around her, she sees Gohan rush to the window and press his palms flat against the glass.
'Mom, you scared me,' Goten tells her, trying to adjust his arms around her. 'I thought you wouldn't wake up.'
'It's okay, Goten,' she soothes her son, keeping her eyes on Goku outside the window. 'I'm awake now.'
Like a child refusing to believe that their parent will come back for them at the end of the first day of kindergarten, Goten holds onto her much tighter than before.
'Don't ever leave me, Mom,' he hoarsely requests.
Her poor baby, Chi-Chi feels her heart sink for her son as she turns to him and wraps her arms around him for comfort. She really has no answer to his request, because she isn't in control of time and what happens around it. She would love nothing more than to make that simple promise to her son, but when she remembers how her father just died, real life hits hard, and she finds herself turning to the side where Gohan and his father are to avoid giving him an answer.
'Goten...' is the only thing that she manages to say, because anything else will be a false promise, or even a lie.
It isn't fair that her son's feeling this terrible all because of her. All of her married life, she's done her best to never intentionally make anyone in her family feel any sorrow because of her. She's never wanted any of her three boys and her father to bear the burden that she constantly bore. Having been a constant victim of sadness and anguish, because of their dangerous adventures, she never wanted any of her family members to go through it. That's mainly the reason that she didn't tell Goten about her decision to separate from Goku, but apparently, real life always has a plan to mess one's plans up.
It's just as well that Gohan's voice breaks through the thick air between them, because she doesn't know how she would've properly appeased her son to the right comfort.
'Dad,' Gohan starts, 'what are you doing outside? Come inside.'
Not even a second after Gohan tells him that, Goku appears in the room. To be precise, he appears right on the side where Goten is, probably because it's closer to where she is compared to the other side. Her first most basic instinct when her eyes meet with his a breath away from her, is to collapse into his arms and finally succumb to all the unexpressed emotions inside. The instinct is as primal, as if it has been there since the day she was born and that necessary for life.
She doesn't launch forwards into his arms, but she does loosen her arms around Goten to gently ease him out of their embrace. While she does briefly consider that she shouldn't push her son away, she can't ignore that she wants comfort too, and that she wants it from Goku. She may very well not be entitled to wanting comfort from the man that she left, but what can she do? He's been her husband all her life, she's found comfort in his arms before, and maybe it's a crime, but she wants comfort from those same arms right now.
'Dad,' Goten wipes at his face, turning to face his father, 'you came.'
'I said I would,' Goku calmly replies, keeping his eyes on her. 'Chi-Chi,' he speaks to her, 'are you all right?'
Even though she feels far from all right, she nods that she is. If Goku remembers that about her, he should know that she only really wants a moment for the two of them. After all, since Piccolo walked in, she's been hoping that he would soon follow.
'Goten, Gohan,' he looks at Gohan after tearing his eyes away from her, 'I want to talk to your mom for a minute. Can you wait outside?'
Bless him, she thinks thankfully, bless him for knowing her.
'But, Dad...' Goten tries to protest, except fortunately, Gohan, in his mature thinking, comes around to him and begins to steer him away from the bed.
'Come on, Goten,' he says to his brother, 'it'll only be for a second.'
'I want to stay here,' Goten refuses, desperately looking at his mother to agree with him.
'Go with your brother, Goten,' she weakly attempts, knowing that it might not work. 'See if you can get me something to eat.'
'Mom,' Goten cries, 'I'm not a child. I know you really just want me gone.'
Despite herself, she smiles softly. Of course she knows that he's smart enough to figure it out, but what did he expect her to say to him? He already refused to listen to his father, what was to say that he would listen to her? Especially if she takes into account the way he held onto her.
'So will you go?' she asks anyway, touching a gentle hand to his arm, 'I really do want to eat.'
Goten reluctantly nods and she can tell by the way that he pulls his face, that it's taking all the effort to say it, but he finally gives in. 'Okay.'
Both she and Goku follow their sons being ushered out by Piccolo, with their eyes until the door closes behind all three of them. Almost immediately when the door closes, Goku sits on the bed, minding not to sit on any part of her, while she straightens herself in bed.
Only as he fiddles with the front of a bag in his hands, does she see the bag for the first time since he appeared. She's sure that he had it all this time, only, she apparently didn't focus enough to see it in his hands. She wonders what it's for; it's not like him to carry a bag.
'Here,' he thrusts the bag her way.
Although she looks at the bag carefully, she doesn't take it like he's suggesting that she does. For one thing, she's only committing it to her mind now, and for another, she doesn't know why he's handing her a bag of all things. She doesn't want a bag from him! What is she supposed to do with a bag?
Seeing her hesitation, Goku begins to tell her, 'It's the dragon balls. I found them for you, so you can wish your father back to life.'
Noting the pleased optimism in his tone, Chi-Chi separates a second to commend his sweet and genuine gesture, but she only takes a second, because right after that, she pushes the bag away from her and physically slides her back against the bed, to lie back on the pillows. She feels so disappointed; she feels so hollowly disappointed and oddly incomplete, that she cannot keep her seat.
'Chi-Chi, what's wrong?' Goku wants to know. 'Did I say something wrong?'
She then feels his hand on her stomach, following it with the question, 'You're hungry, aren't you? I'll find you something to eat. I'll be right back, Chi-Chi,' he tells her with a promise while he rises from the bed.
Until she feels tears forcefully squeeze out of her eyes as she presses her eyelids together, she wasn't even aware that tears had gathered in her eyes. Even as her tears slide down her cheeks, she urgently and blindly finds his hand with her own before he can fully get up from the bed.
'Goku...' she calls for him to settle back down.
His innocence and way of reasoning, have always been things that she found endearing and instrumental in interacting with him, but not now. Now, she can't feel any other way, but disappointed.
'I'm not hungry,' she tells him, refusing to open her eyes. 'I'm disappointed. And before you ask any questions, I just want you to know that it's your attitude that I'm disappointed with.'
After that, she lets go of his hand, but still doesn't doesn't open her eyes. She feels him settle back down on the bed, only, all of a sudden, she feels tired. It could be from the incompletion that she feels, she only knows that she doesn't want him to ask her question after question, so she will have to tell him what she means. If she doesn't his endless questions will wear her out even more.
'I appreciate that you thought to gather the dragon balls for me,' she begins, 'but that's not what I expected. I know you mean well, but I can't use that wish.'
To emphasise that she has no intention to take his gift, she turns her back on his side, to curl herself together where he won't be able to see her face. She'll admit that it's precious of him to think of her so much, that he didn't hesitate in going all around the world to find her the dragon balls, but in all honesty, she didn't expect that to be his first reaction.
As her husband -disregarding their separation- he should've simply wanted to be with her, to be there for her. Her father was always there with her when Goku died, which is how she's come to rely on the presence of someone after a loss. Another person's presence, is what she needs more than the dragon balls.
'Then I'll use it for you,' he heartily reasons, 'I'll wish your father back to life for you.'
Again, she appreciates that he's willing to do that for her, but the fact of the matter is that she can't have her father wished back to life.
'Don't do that,' she begs, swallowing down hard. 'I don't want you to do that.'
Would she like that her father wasn't dead? Yes. Would she like to have him back with her again? Yes. But...
Goku's hand comes to gently rest on her shoulder. 'But, Chi-Chi...'
'Goku,' comes out of her mouth in a whisper, 'you live in a world where dragon balls fix everything. I'm not holding that against you, but that's not the world I live in, not anymore.'
For all her adult life, despite her ceaseless worrying and the heart stopping fears that she's felt, it has always been that finding the dragon balls would fix the physical damage that happened. Although the physical losses and damages were always repaired, the ordeals always left her with invisible internal scars. But in the past ten years, the dragon balls never even once came up, and she learnt to dispel the need to use them.
'Now, I live in a world where I want you to comfort me when I cry, and stand by my side, holding my hand when they bury my father,' she express aloud for the first time. 'If I thought reviving my father would fix me, I would do it, but I know it won't. I would've liked that you just sat with me, and allowed me to express my sorrow at my loss. I don't want your dragon balls.'
She wants him.
It's completely silent for a little while after that, so much so, that she thinks that she's stunned him by turning down his quick fix. But then, just as she's thinking to turn and lift her face to see him, the most amazing thing happens. Immediately, she feels the bed shift with weight and then she feels herself being scooped up and turned the other way. It takes around a second for her to realise that Goku is in bed with her, with his arms around her.
What in the world is he doing?
Slowly, she opens her eyes to find Goku's eyes sparkling with the gentlest of compassion she's ever seen them have. As she's looking into his eyes, a powerful surge shoots through her, egging her to release the thing that's been holding back her real tears. While she did cry one or two times, it was due to frustration with her inconsistent feelings, not due to natural pit of maimed feelings. The things that she should've cried for, like leaving her husband and losing her father in the span of two days, she didn't allow herself to cry for. She strictly commanded herself to be the strong woman that she's always been.
'I didn't cry,' she confesses through a choke to him. 'Not for losing you. Not for myself. Not for losing my father, and now I feel like I'm going to explode, because all I want to do is cry in your arms.'
It might just be the freshness of her father's death, or it may be that she feels weaker in Goku's presence, all she knows is that she has this urgent need to cry when his arms are around her like this. The security of being held by him, makes her feel like a stranger to herself, because she almost doesn't recognise this part of herself. The part of herself that desperately needs him to this point. The part of herself that isn't as strong as she likes to believe it is, because his arms around her are breaking through the thickness of her strength, to reduce her to this frail woman.
Because she feels weak in his presence, she closes her eyes to stop seeing his compassion for her, since it's only making it worse. Goku, apparently, for his part of a response, silently tucks her into him exactly like he did on the night before the Cell Games. He folds both of her legs between his, tightens his arms around her back and nudges her head to lean on his shoulder.
'Cry,' he simply tells her.
Without a warning, a sob chokes out of her at the verbally given permission, but she still tries to hold back the tears.
'It's okay, Chi-Chi,' he whispers near her ear, showing her that he knows that she's holding back. 'Just cry. Cry as much as you need to, because I can't comfort you if you don't cry.'
That does it for her. A second sob painfully breaks from her mouth, and she forms a frustrated fist to tightly clench the fabric of his shirt inside her palm. How dare he understand her and clearly desire nothing more than to be here for her through this! How dare he! Nonetheless, she willingly moves her head onto his chest to freely cry.
Chapter 8, Home To Stay.