Chapter 7: In Retrospect part 1
"I'm leaving." Adrian said through sobs as she threw her clothes into the open suitcase on her bed. "I can't stay here and deal with all of this-this drama!" she cried.
Grace stood in her best friend's doorway, looking at her with pity and sadness. "Adrian..."
Adrian wheeled around to her and shook her head furiously. "No, don't! It's done. My parents agreed and my dad's mom is fine with it. I'm leaving for Arizona tonight."
"Adrian just think about this for a second." Grace said in a calm voice, even though she was on the verge of tears. "Ricky might get over it! He might come back tomorrow and you two can get back together. He and Amy may not even work out."
Adrian paused as she was about to pack more clothes and dropped them to the floor. Grace rushed over to Adrian as she slowly sunk to the ground in sobs. Grace wiped her own tears away. When did they get to this point? When did they stop being kids? When did all of this drama rise to this point?
"I can't stay here." Adrian muttered as her sobs calmed. "I can't do what Amy did, I can't do this!"
Grace gave her a confused expression. She couldn't do what Amy did? What did she...It couldn't be. The blonde's eyes widened. "Adrian, please tell me you're not...your not-"
"Pregnant?" Adrian spat angrily. "That's what the five little plus signs said." she started crying again. "Oh god Grace I can't do this."
Grace nodded. "Yes, Adrian you can. I can help you, your parents can help you, my mom will help you, so will all of our friends, it'll be okay." Grace tried to reassure her. She sighed and rubbed her back.
"I tried to get an abortion..." Adrian admitted. "But I woke up this morning and there was this little bulge on my stomach, right down here." she place her hand just above her abdomen. She was right; you couldn't see it if you weren't looking for it, but there was a bulge. "And I thought "There's a baby in there" and god Grace I couldn't go through with it."
Grace smiled at her. "I'm proud of you."
"I'm scared." Adrian said, leaning into Grace's hug.
"Don't be. You don't have to go." the blonde told her, wiping away her tears.
Adrian nodded. "Yeah I do. I'm going to Arizona and I'm going to have my baby there and raise him or her there in peace. I can't...I just can't be here."
Grace only nodded, knowing she had lost this fight. That was when the question popped into her head. "Is... Is Ben the father?"
~*Catch Me*~
"It's good to see you again Adrian. After our first session I wasn't sure you wanted to come again." Dr. Fields said as he sat down in his usual chair, smiling gently at the girl as she sat in front of him, arms crossed staring at the floor. "I'm sorry to hear about your loss."
Adrian rolled her eyes a bit. "I don't hear that enough." she mumbled sarcastically.
Ken raised an eyebrow. "Well it's the truth; no one should ever have to deal with what you dealt with."
"I don't hear that enough either." she said again, her face still stony and cold.
Ken sighed. "Well Adrian, your mother asked me if I could help you. You didn't speak at our first session a couple of weeks ago, which I understand, but that isn't going to help you. Your mother and your friend Grace also told me that you didn't want to come today."
"Well I'm here now." Adrian muttered.
"And why are you here, Adrian?"
"For therapy," Adrian quipped as if it wasn't the most obvious thing in the world.
Dr. Fields laughed lightly. "Yes, well that much I realized."
"How much time do we have left?" Adrian asked suddenly, looking up at him for the first time. Dr. Fields noticed the look in her eye. A complete contrast to the last time they had met. The last time they were vivacious, full of life but now they were sad, cold, empty...
"Plenty. Your mother tells me that she caught you drinking."
Adrian's shrug was her only response. Ken sighed. "You want to tell me why you were drinking?"
"I like drinking."
"And why do you like drinking?"
Adrian rolled her eyes. "Look, I didn't want to be here. My mom and Grace made me come here. I don't need therapy and frankly I don't believe in it."
"You did when you thought you and Ricky needed counseling."
"And see how well that turned out." Adrian said standing up. "You can just tell my mother I was here. We don't have to go through this-"
"Sit down Adrian." Ken said firmly.
Adrian stared at the man for a few moments before taking her seat again, her jaw locked tightly. Ken sighed. "Adrian, your mother asked me to help you and that's what I want to do because you seem like you need my help."
"I don't." Adrian retorted.
"That much is obvious." Ken said sarcastically.
Adrian rolled her eyes. "Are therapists even allowed to be sarcastic?"
"We're allowed to be a lot of things." Ken said. "Now, can you tell me why your mother and Grace think you need therapy?"
Adrian rolled her eyes. "They wanted me to come because I'm... they think I'm shutting down emotionally, and they want to help me. After my mom caught me drinking she decided that was the last straw and here I am. This is their idea of helping apparently."
"And how do you feel about that?"
Adrian rolled her eyes. "Please don't tell me you're going to use that cliché line, are you?"
Dr. Fields chuckled. "It's just that you sound rather bitter about it, care to tell me why?"
"I don't get why I need to go to a therapist. In all honesty, I think therapy is really pointless. Plus, I can't understand why I can't work past this on my own," Adrian grumbled, the bitter undertone in her words coming across loud and clear.
"Well, it doesn't seem as if that's been working out very well for you as of late."
"Can't be much better with a therapist."
Dr. Fields let out a small snigger. "You know, some people actually think that it's easier to talk to a stranger… that somehow you can say you're deepest secrets to one because, at the end of the day, you don't care what they think of you, their opinion doesn't matter, and you finally got that weight off your chest by vocalizing it to someone."
"Sounds stupid to me."
"Really, so there's nothing that you want to tell me then?"
"Well… I suppose there are one or two things, you know, since I'm already here anyway."
~*Catch Me*~
Present
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
Adrian groaned and rolled over in her bed to see her mother and father standing beside her bed with wide smiles and a delicious smelling breakfast in hand. Adrian gave her parents a small smile and sat up in bed, smoothing her ruffled hair as her dad pulled out a camera.
"Oh dad no pictures please!" she whined, shielding her face with a pillow.
"Come on Adrian, you only turn eighteen once. Now you and your mother give me those beautiful smiles that I love so much." Reuben said, holding up the camera.
Adrian rolled her eyes and posed with her mother, giving the camera her best smile. She was eighteen. Finally an adult. This was the day that she had been waiting for, and she thought it started out pretty well.
"Now we want you home right after your lunch and shopping trip with Grace. We have a nice little plan for your birthday and we want you here on time!" her mother told her as she set her breakfast in front of her.
Adrian raised an eyebrow at the woman. "Please don't tell me you planned me a surprise party." she asked hopefully.
"Of course not." Cindy said, feigning innocence. "We know how much you hate surprises."
With that Cindy immediately walked out, leaving Reuben with their daughter shaking his head. Adrian sighed and smiled at her father.
"She didn't did she?" Adrian figured with a sigh.
"I'm not saying a word." Reuben said, making a zipped lipped motion. "All I can tell you is that your mom is trying her hardest to make this day special, since this is the first birthday that you and I are spending together."
He was right. Her last birthday, there was too much going on to fully celebrate it. It brought tears to her eyes to think of how much she missed out on as a kid. She couldn't get those moments back, all those years. But she could the best of now, hopefully.
"You go ahead and get ready for school. I'll drive you." Reuben offered, moving to exit his daughter's room.
Adrian nodded and turned to her breakfast with a smile.
~*Catch Me*~
"So tell me about Gabriela."
Adrian glanced up from her nails to glare at her doctor. "No." she said simply.
"Why not?" Dr. Fields said.
"Because I don't want to talk about her." she muttered.
"And why is that?"
"Because I just don't okay?" she snapped at him.
Dr. Fields leaned back in his seat, not surprised by her outburst. He wanted to push Adrian, push her towards some kind of opening that she was hiding from him and the rest of the world. "Understandable." he told her sympathetically. "But in order to fully recover from this, you have to confront it."
Adrian looked away from him, too the couch she had spent the last two sessions in. "I can't. At least not now."
Dr. Fields nodded with a sigh. "Fine... how about we talk about her name instead? Where did you get the idea for her name?"
Adrian glanced at him, wondering why she even bothered to get out of bed that day. "It was something Grace picked out. Grace is my best friend. She said it meant God is my Strength. At first I wasn't sure about it because I'm not really religious and I was about to be an unwed teenage mother, I think that's a sin or something. But then she said something to me."
"And what did she say?" Dr. Fields asked, obviously intrigued.
Adrian let out a heavy sigh. "She said that it was a good name because God loved my little girl so much that He made me love her just as much. He gave her a mother that would protect and love her and that's why it was a perfect name."
"And you agreed with her?" he asked, careful with his tone.
Adrian nodded, wiping away the tears on her face. "I did." she said quietly.
Dr. Fields handed her a box of tissues, which she took gratefully. "But you don't now?"
She shook her head. "No because...I lost her! I was supposed to protect her and love her and I lost her!" she cried. "Why would God give her a mother that would do this? Why? Why would he put me through this and just take her away from me?"
She ran a hand through her hair as sobs raked her body. Dr. Fields scribbled something down on his pad and sighed. Sitting up, her removed his glasses and set his pad to the side.
"Adrian, you are not to blame." Dr. Fields said. "I can't tell you why things happen. They just happen. It's not your fault."
"It is my fault." she said. "I was on the phone! I was on the phone with my mom and maybe if I hadn't answered the phone I could have moved, or at least made sure that damn steering wheel-" she stopped talking, looking so frustrated and angry it broke Dr. Fields heart. "God I'm so stupid!" she cried, roughly pushing her hair out of her face. She started breathing hard and her eyes pricked with more tears. She gripped the sides of her head and brought her knees to her chest.
Dr. Fields immediately handed her a glass of water and moved her hands so that she would look at him. "Adrian, slow your breathing and focus." Adrian took in a deep breath and followed his instructions to the best of his ability. "Good, now drink the water." Again she silently did as he said, relishing in the relief the water brought.
Dr. Fields sighed and sat back. "Panic attacks are sometimes normal for people suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome."
Adrian raised a confused eyebrow at him. "You think I have post-traumatic stress syndrome?" she asked disbelievingly.
"No, I know you have post-traumatic stress syndrome." Dr. Fields said. "That was my diagnostic of you right after our first session. Depression, wanting to numb the pain, it all adds up. It's common for women who have been in your situation."
"So what? Are you gonna prescribe me some pills that are gonna make it all okay?" she asked, the sarcasm in her voice evident.
"No." he simply answered. "I may prescribe you something to help you sleep and for the days when the depression is bad, but I'm not here to make this okay because what happened to you and your baby girl isn't okay. I'm here to help you overcome the emotional and mental trauma and help you live with what happened, helping you forgive yourself and eventually accept it. If that's okay with you?"
Adrian only nodded, showing him that she understood. Dr. Fields sighed and looked at his watch. "That's all the time we have for today. Give this to Rita on the way out." he told her, as he wrote something down on his pad. "She'll give you the prescription. I hope to see you again next week."
Adrian looked down at the paper he handed and nodded. "Yeah, you will."