Chapter Six: Love's Conception
Three weeks.
Three weeks that she had spent unaccompanied and alone.
Solitude became her sole ally, as much as she detested it herself, the friendship knew no boundaries. Normally, she was one to work out her problems on her own, something she had prided herself over from her youth.
But she had questions, so many inquiries.
But nobody had the answers, nor did they ever care to listen.
Zuko was back in the royal city, lavishing himself on his perfect nation, she assumed, with straight-faced Mai at his side. She did not know what to say about Ty Lee, that silly acrobat. Perhaps she had followed back on her calling at the circus, or she was still in prison. Azula had not heard news on her case at all.
The Avatar was probably out touring the world, spreading the message of peace with his putrid crew. They had the freedom to enjoy the outside world, to ride the skies, and exist in tranquility. All were mere inconsistencies on her part. Oh, how she was jealous of them.
The warden did not give her trouble. He left his guards in her company. There were a few more of them than usual, perhaps one of Zuko's silly precautionary proposals.
No more news on the prison murder. The case remained unsolved and those useless interrogations ceased as well.
Her mother's return was still that of a mystery. Azula found herself questioning whether her incident had even happened at all. Memory had been a major setback lately, as she was attempting to disregard her past, but a side of her believed in it all and she deliberately ignored it.
The days were standard: two ordinary meals a day and a weekly visit from the psychoanalysts that assisted in her so-called rehabilitation. Not that she dismissed the fact that she was in need of aid; it was just that their methods suggested psychopathic schizophrenia. And she knew for a fact that she was not a mental case.
But her interest was elsewhere.
Azula laid her attention on what she herself could not see, something that flesh leaves hidden for a future to hold.
She was late, for one thing. All of her life, Azula delighted herself on a lack of tardiness, physically and mentally. She understood, as a growing woman, her body was experienced with constant adjustments.
But none had lasted this long. She was a week off of what she considered to be her normal schedule. Though she herself was not anatomically wise, she understood that bodily delay symbolized something of a dilemma.
Am I having a baby?
Chan's baby?
Did our love unite us with conception?
What am I going to do about it?
Azula shifted herself upon her cot, placing her back against the cold brick wall. She shut her eyes and breathed melodiously and evenly. With her breaths, she soothed herself and cleared her troubled mind. She just needed some private time to think and the finest time to do that was at night, awaiting the rising sun.
Calm down, girl. Based on your meals each day, you are about five weeks into it.
Though I have never single-handedly dealt with pregnancy before, I can recall a thing or two from Mai's mother when she got pregnant with Tom Tom.
Morning sickness. I certainly remember Mai complaining about that. Food cravings are another. At royal dinners with the woman I can recollect her ravenous appetite.
So, what of me? What am I going to be like?
Angry, that is what I should be. I never wished to have to carry the weight of another. Chan had his few minutes of pleasure and I end up having to carry his baby for what, nine months? When I become heavy with child, I will then have to abandon my fire, my true progeny.
But the child is innocent from the moment of conception. They are not at fault for the actions of the parents. I cannot hate the consequence if I loved the process that got me there. I can certainly want to pass down my genetic prowess, as my child would be a second follower of my feminine beliefs.
But is there the slightest possibility of an overpowering youngster, one who wishes to overtake that of the generation before? I cannot have that in my life. A person does not live for the betterment of their children or the next generation. Existence is solely based on the betterment of oneself.
Is that how my mother saw me? Was I just something of a chore to be left behind to suffer alone? She left me to save Zuko if I am not mistaken, and because of that, I fell deeper into Father's hands.
No wonder I am this way. Greedy, selfish, and self-centered. Is that what I am going to give birth to? Would it be considered right if I acted that way when I was young?
But I am perfect. My excellence is the only right that I have kept with me all of this time.
But I am far from perfect. I gave up my innocence for a few moments of arousal.
And now I am to undergo the penalty of my exploitation. I am carrying the weight of someone else, not my own anymore.
What will be of my shapely figure? I do not want that silly bump to show. That would be a sign of utter disadvantage. In a place like this, flaws can get one killed.
And with that, will my baby be in danger? Should I even be concerning myself with the safety of my little one? It will be perfectly shielded inside of my womb, consuming every bit of food that I ingest. It is an act of theft, is it not?
Could this baby be the ticket to my own freedom? If the warden received word that I was pregnant, would he let me out? Would Zuko? Or would it just be a false hope? Would they let the baby go and leave me here? A prison is no place for a developing infant.
But it is also no place for a pregnant woman, am I right?
What more is there to worry about?
Will it be a male, female?
A little girl would suit me better than a boy. At least a female would see where I would be coming from in my beliefs. A boy would just be an immature nuisance. And besides, what use would it be to give birth to a first-born son? It is not as if he would be the next Firelord.
"But motherhood just the same. It is a part of your life, to be the mother of the Fire Nation's next generation.
"You were born into this family for a reason, my daughter."
Mother…
Perhaps her words had more of a connection to me than I had initially thought.
Is this the reason why she came back, if she even did at all? She carried children herself, so I would think that she at least would know something about this sort of thing.
But why bother, girl. She abandoned you for a better life. Would you allow yourself to set that same example on your kid? You are stronger than she ever was. You can get through this on your own.
You are the princess.
Princess Azula, the greatest firebender in the Fire Nation.
But why do I feel so different? Why do I feel that I just might need some sort of aid with this?
Will it be a painful thing? Will it hurt me? Will I have to settle with this puny jail cell as my delivery room?
Do not bother with the twisted evils of the up-and-coming future, girl. Deal with the here and now, what you know and understand. It is the now that makes up the mind.
Should I support this pregnancy and allow my child to be delivered into the world? Or am I damned for a life of misery where the only way out is to kill the little being.
Murder was never a difficult thing. I almost killed Zuko and the Water Tribe peasant and I did not ever care for all of those who died in the war.
But why do I feel a pang of guilt? Could I really put myself up to killing a part of me?
A part of Chan?
And I am beginning to believe that there is love between us. Would the death of the being of my labor destroy that adoration that was created from the heat of our two souls that intertwined that night?
A part of me cannot deny that I made love to Chan out of the affection in my heart. I allowed domination to seep into my body because I was in love that night.
Perhaps I am still.
Maybe this child will help me learn something about myself and maybe a little more.
But you are straying from your very nature, girl. Remember what your father did to you when you went wrong?
He took you for granted. He destroyed your mental innocence and you had to grow up into a hard and spiteful woman.
It is not love that drives you, girl. It is the pure act of anger and hate that keeps you going. Your father abandoned you on the day of Sozin's Comet, a crime not to be taken lightly. Zuko, as heartless as he is, threw you away like a piece of trash. That is all that you are to him.
My heart is torn again.
Azula dismissed her thoughts. She softly fell to her left side. Her hands cupped her slender stomach. She took note of her own emaciation, feeling along her ribs.
Can I really be starving myself like this? As an expectant mother, I have to support some food in my system.
But it is better than living this pitiful existence. I have to continue down the hill. Death is a more pleasing option, as it will rid me of this atrocious flesh.
But suicide is the final act of a coward. If I am to ever fulfill my destiny, then living is worth it, more or less.
What should I do?
Was Mother true to her words? Is my real destiny not that of leading the Fire Nation, but of birthing the next generation?
Is that really the purpose of me, the greatest firebender, the prodigy of the New Ozai?
What level have I swooped down to?
My nature, my truest being, fell once Chan and I shared intimacy.
Is love really that brutal?
Maybe three years ago it was…
But inside my womb is something of our passion. We allowed ourselves to come together just once.
But why in all of this…
Do I feel so alone?