Chapter 7
Two weeks later, Regina took stock of the things she knew for certain: Emma slept better when being held and she wasn't ready to talk. The days were repeats of the one before and Regina was concerned that she wasn't making any progress. She didn't want to leave the house. Getting her to the back porch was a major undertaking and set her on high alert. Her protective instinct had kicked into overdrive but she had become obsessed with protecting Regina, dismissing her own trauma and replacing it with perceived threat. Some of it wasn't perception, they hadn't talked about it but Regina knew that they both knew that whatever happened to Emma was directed at Regina.
As Regina took stock of the things she knew and what she didn't, she realized that Emma's greatest trauma was not in the violation of her body but the violation of her mind. She thought about what Henry had told her that day in the living room, she put pieces together of a life she saw in flashes during times of intense emotion between them, and she realized that whoever had taken her had done the thing that she might not recover from; he had destroyed her trust in herself. The confidence in knowing she was loved and wanted had been shattered, a confidence that Regina had spent years building with her. There were so many things she wanted to ask her, to tell her, but she didn't know when to start or where. So she sat and thought it out as the shadow of Emma Swan ghosted through each day.
Regina's phone buzzed.
At the front door, Ruby's text read.
Regina got up and quietly went to the door to let her in.
"Hey, thanks for coming by," Regina told her as she opened the door.
"Of course. I was hoping to come by sooner" Ruby peeked inside, looking for Emma, "Ems around?"
"Yes, she's napping on the couch," Regina affirmed, "come into the kitchen."
Ruby quietly followed Regina toward the kitchen, passing the sleeping, covered form of Emma Swan on the couch.
They sat in silence for a few moments.
"How are things going?" Ruby asked, breaking the silence.
"They're going ok," Regina lied.
"How are things really going?" Ruby asked again.
Regina sighed, "I don't know."
Ruby nodded and waited.
"I sit here every day and think that today is the day she's going to feel a little better and every day is the same as the one before. Then I feel disappointed and angry at the end of the day because she's not improving. Then I feel guilty because I want her better for her, but I want her better for me, too."
Ruby only nodded.
"I keep thinking back to that night. Every day, every minute I just think about all of the things I should have done differently. It's eating me alive, Ruby," Regina confessed.
"Regina, I don't doubt you're beating yourself up about this. And I think you know, intellectually at least, that this isn't your fault."
"Isn't it though?" Regina interrupted. "Someone was after me. Someone wanted to hurt me so deeply that they took the person I love most in this world away and forced me to watch her torture. And do you know what the worst part of it is? Whoever did this didn't even…Emma is her own person… and-"
"And whoever took her just saw her as an anybody?"
Regina sighed, "yes. She was just another body to him. She's everything to me. Everything."
"I don't know what to do, Ruby. I don't know what to do next," Regina confessed.
"Maybe you're doing it already," Ruby offered.
"It's not enough. She's been destroyed body and soul. She's still hearing the voices, I think. But now I can't get in there to hear them, she's shutting me out. Every day feels like she's drifting farther away than the day before and I feel helpless!"
Emma had awakened and heard the soft murmur of voices in the kitchen. She quietly walked towards them and watched, listened. Ruby had her arm around Regina, Regina's head on her shoulder. Ruby was caressing Regina as they sat together. Emma felt numb.
"And I can't go out there with her. I'm ashamed. I'm mortified. How can I be seen with her? After all of it, I don't know what to do. I can't hide here with her forever," Regina was confessing to Ruby.
Emma's numbness became ice and the last slivers of hope she had slunk away into the recesses of her mind. She quietly removed herself and headed up the stairs.
"This is all my fault," Regina continued. "Everyone knows it. This town should burn me at the stake. If I go out there with her, they'll blame me. They should blame me. I don't know what to do. I love her more than anything in this world and I have destroyed her"
"Regina, first, you have to find a way to let go of this blame. No one in this town blames you. You did not destroy her. You did not hurt her. Some sick bastard did this to her. We will find him Regina, I promise," Ruby went on.
"I know," Regina said, straightening up. "I had asked her to marry me. The night before."
"Wow, really?" Ruby questioned.
"Yes. She is my everything, Ruby. I feel like nothing when she's not in my world. And right now, she's not in her world or my world, she's just out there drifting." There was a pause. "We hadn't had a chance to tell anyone yet. Not Henry, or Snow and David, no one. For that one day, it was just us and this whole big beautiful future out there."
"There's still a future out there, Regina. You're going to have to fight for it. You can't let this guilt and vengeance consume you. I think you know what happens when you do," Ruby cautioned.
Regina nodded. "I put the Evil Queen to rest a long time ago. But I wouldn't hesitate to resurrect her for Emma."
"Don't do this, Regina. Find another way. There's always another way," Ruby pushed.
Regina thanked Ruby for her visit and showed her out.
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Emma had become quieter and more reserved than ever and Regina was desperate to break her out of her shock. She had tried everything she could think of but only saw her drifting further away – further away from her touch, further away from her soul.
A week after Ruby's visit, Regina had become desperate.
"Emma?" Regina called.
Emma looked up from the couch.
"I need to go into town to my office for a bit this afternoon," Regina told her.
Emma nodded in silence.
"I'm going to get someone to come here and stay with you, ok?"
"You don't have to. I'm fine," Emma replied emptily.
"Just the same, it would make me feel better. I've asked your mother to come over," Regina told her.
"Snow White," Emma said blankly.
Regina didn't understand what was happening. Everything was emptiness.
"She'll be here within the hour. I shouldn't be gone long," Regina told her.
"Take your time, no reason to hurry back" Emma remarked.
The encounter unsettled Regina. She didn't know what else to do or say. She hoped that she could find some answers, something, anything. She would start in her office and then head to her vault.
Mary Margaret arrived 45 minutes later and knocked softly on the door.
"Come in, Snow," Regina said as she answered the door.
"Where is she?" Snow asked.
"In the living room on the couch," Regina told her.
Snow looked at her coldly. "How long will you be?"
"Not long, I hope. I just want to pick up some things," Regina told her.
Snow only nodded.
"Ok… she'll probably lie down in a bit for a nap. Just stay close by when she does. If she starts having nightmares, I find that-"
"I think I can figure out how to calm my own daughter," Snow interrupted.
Regina was exhausted at the tension between them. "If you need anything, call me." And with that she hurried out to her car.
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An hour later Regina was on a stepstool in her office pulling down long-forgotten books when the door opened.
"Snow?!" Regina said, climbing down off the ladder. "What the hell are you doing here? Emma-"
"Emma said she needed some time to herself. I came to talk to-"
Regina began to panic. "Snow, what did she tell you?"
Snow was irritated, "nothing. She said that she needed time alone and that she was going to shower and take a walk."
It didn't add up for Regina. Emma had been paralyzed by the thought of leaving the house. After she showered that morning…
"Emma already showered this morning," Regina said, frantically trying to piece everything together. She replayed what had happened.
"I have to go," Regina said, pushing her way towards the door.
"Wait," Snow said, grabbing her arm, "I aim to speak with you."
"I don't have time for this!" Regina shouted.
Snow stood dumbfounded as Regina raced out the door. The fear and panic on the regal woman's face startled her.
Regina jumped into her car and sped home as quickly as possible. Then a flash, she could see the steam of the shower and hear "everything, nothing, everything, nothing" chanted over and over in Emma's head. She pulled into the driveway and raced up the stairs to the bathroom where the steam was tumbling out. Emma was standing near the curtain, crying, blade in her hand.
"Emma, stop," Regina pleaded. "Please, don't do this."
Emma looked up and continued to sob. "I have to," she told her.
"No, you don't. Please don't do this. I need you," Regina told her.
Emma only sobbed harder. "No you don't. You're ashamed of me."
"I could never be ashamed of you. I love you with every ounce of my being," Regina tried to explain.
"Liar," she accused.
"I've never lied to you. You mean too much to me. Please, let's just talk," Regina tried again.
Emma shook her head. "You told Ruby you were ashamed of me. You told Ruby you were mortified to be seen with me. I heard you, Regina, you said those things to her. You said them while you were… while the two of you…" and Emma continued to cry wordlessly.
"No, no Emma. That's not what I said. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of me. I, the most powerful woman in this realm, couldn't protect you. All of this," Regina waved her hands, "all of this is my fault. You were taken to punish me. You were hurt because of me. I don't deserve to be with you, Emma, I never have. I never will," Regina waited for Emma to digest her explanation.
Emma's pupils dilated and Emma shouted "you are everything, I am nothing!" and Regina finally heard the voice loudly, clearly over Emma's, the voice telling her "she's everything, you're nothing." That's the message Emma had been receiving. That's the message she had repeated over and over to herself for weeks.
"Emma, you are my everything," Regina tried to reason, she could sense Emma's panic.
"I betrayed you, Regina. I fucking betrayed you!" Emma screamed.
Regina looked at her confused.
"You saw it all. I know you did. You won't talk about it, but you saw. And you know that even though I was fighting him… even though I didn't want to… you watched him do things to me and then I betrayed you," Emma tried to explain.
"Emma, I don't understand. You didn't betray me. Yes, I saw what happened but you didn't betray me," she offered.
Emma shook her head and continued to cry. "I fought him Regina, I really did. I did everything I could to fight him, but then, I couldn't control my own body. I was in so much pain. He was hurting me. Everything hurt. I should have fought harder. And I… I couldn't help it, Regina. Don't you understand? But I betrayed you!" Emma spoke with wild clarity.
"I know, baby, I know. You didn't betray me. Why do you think that?" she tried to coax her for more information.
"You saw it, Regina. Don't say you didn't," Emma pushed.
"Nothing changes the way I feel, Emma. I love you. You didn't betray you. He raped you," Regina tried to reason.
"And I climaxed Regina. I betrayed you and you saw it happen," Emma screamed.
Regina finally understood what she was talking about. She remembered his hand around her throat and her gagging then the sour liquid hitting her tongue.
"Emma, listen to me. You didn't have any control over that. He used a potion on you for that. I even know what potion it is. You did not betray anyone. I swear to you. Please listen to me," Regina tried to explain.
"You have always been everything, Regina. I never deserved love. Ever. I ruin everything. I ruin everyone. I'm ruined. I am nothing. I'll always be nothing," Emma explained as she drew the blade up and over her wrist.
Regina raced to Emma as she crumbled to the floor. "No!" she yelled. Emma's bright red blood started to pool quickly and Regina saw her start to pale. With her own tears streaming down her face, she put her own hand over the gaping slit and pressed down. "No, Emma, no. I love you. You are my everything." White light released from Regina's hand and the wound began to close under her grasp. Regina was shocked; her other attempts at magic resulted in Emma's pain but this one, this act of pure love allowed her to heal her.
Regina's pulled the pale but very much alive woman to her. "Damn you, Swan. You don't get to leave me. I need you," she admitted. Regina turned the shower off with one hand, still holding on to a relaxed Emma. And Regina cried, she held onto Emma and rocked her as she cried hard, pouring every emotion she hadn't been able to identify over the past weeks into it.
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They sat on the couch while Emma nursed a mug of warm milk with vanilla and sugar. For the first time in weeks, the air was clear between them. Emma was ready to talk to her.
"What you said to Ruby," Emma started, "what you told me you said, is that true?"
"Yes," Regina replied. "I swear to you. You can ask Ruby yourself if you like. I am ashamed, Emma. I'm deeply ashamed. I failed you that night. I'm supposed to protect you. I promised you that I would never hurt you. That I would never let you be hurt. And then I let someone take you and hurt you in ways I can't even comprehend."
"You're everything, Regina. I'm nothing. Why do you want to be with me?" Emma asked.
"I love you. I love the thousand little things about you. I love the way you make me want to love you and those around you. You will never understand all of that, I know. But when I'm with you, I'm my best self. That's selfish but it's true. I am at my best with you."
"You could be with Ruby instead," Emma offered. "I know she likes you."
Regina blushed slightly. "I don't want to be with Ruby. I want to be with you. I love the life we have together. Every second that we're together I'm convinced is a fairy tale. I have never loved and been loved the way I have with you," Regina admitted.
"Not even with Daniel?"
Regina thought for a moment. "No, not even with Daniel. My love for Daniel was young, naïve and innocent. It was unchallenged and I was living in a fantasy world. When he died, all of that was gone and it was gone too fast. It consumed me. My love for you is complicated but deep. I love you unconditionally. You taught me that. You taught me about real love, about the give and take of love. You took me in as I was, as I am, and loved me. Even after… even after I nearly…" Regina started to tear up.
"You forgave me, Emma. When I almost did something unspeakable to you that night. I almost… I nearly violated your body and your trust, but you took me back."
"Wait, Regina, wait," Emma sat up and interrupted. "You didn't nearly violate me. I thought we settled that ages ago?"
"We decided that I was going to do better. You gave me my second chance with you when you shouldn't have. Maybe if you hadn't, maybe none of this would have happened," Regina explained.
"No. Let's be clear on something, Regina. I wanted to have sex with you that night. I really did. I didn't show it well, but make no mistake, I wanted to be with you that night more than anything. I saw you looking down at me with pity and disgust and I was so ashamed that I wasn't what you wanted."
"What? I never looked at you with pity or disgust. I swear. There was a moment when I got a flash of something from you that night. Of a man, someone with a beard, I think. He was on top of you or near you and you were so frightened. It startled me. Then the flash changed and you were frightened but this time I was the one causing your fear. I had violated your trust that night. I was inconsiderate," Regina told her.
Emma was silent. "So you've known for a long time then about that?"
"Yes. I'm not really sure what I saw, but I made a guess," Regina admitted.
Emma swallowed. "And you still wanted me."
"Of course. All I've ever wanted is to be with you. To be happy with you. To make you happy."
Emma was silent for a moment. "I thought for a long time he had ruined me. That's what he said. I was ruined. I had deserved it."
Regina was sickened.
"It took me years before I could even entertain the notion of being intimate with someone. Even with Neal. I just couldn't bring myself to be with him, to enjoy it. We only had sex a few times. Enough times for me to be pregnant with Henry," Emma recounted.
"It was never like that with you, though," Emma told her. "Being with you, making love with you was so special and easy."
"Regina?" Emma asked.
"Yes, darling?"
"What if… what if I can't ever… be with you again? You'll need to find someone else, I know. But will it just be someone to make love with or can you still love me and not-"
Regina interrupted her by taking her hands. "Listen, Emma. I love making love with you. I love to feel your skin against mine. I love bringing you pleasure and seeing your glee. I love the way you bring me pleasure. I love our exploration. I love making love with you. But if I could never make love with you again, I would still love you. I would still be right here. I would still be sitting beside you, holding your hand. It wouldn't change how much I love you. I don't want to be with anyone else. If I can't be with you, then I don't want to be with anyone," Regina explained to her.
"I'd like it to be like it was before. I'm just afraid that I can't. I'm afraid that you think I'm…ruined," Emma went on.
Regina pulled her in close. "As long as I breathe, I will do everything in my power to prove to you how much I love you. You're not ruined, Emma. I already believe that. I know it's going to take you longer. You take the time you need. We'll do this at your own pace. You tell me what happens next."
Emma nodded and held on tight to Regina as they both fell asleep on the couch.