Chapter 6

I smelled him before I heard him, few vampires came near my home, and most assuming this area was my territory. I continued packing my things for Maine. The University of Maine had accepted me almost immediately. I guess they just didn't get that kind of interest out of students with my potential. I could have been done packing a day if I wished but I longed for the human experience of moving so I took my time.

Nathaniel had been wise enough to purchase enough blood for me to last several months. There was both human and canine blood stuffed into the freezer. I guess being a doctor had some perks.

I sipped slowly from the pack of blood I had heated. Canine was not particularly tasty, but I figured it was better than reigniting whatever passion had come through before I left for Siberia. I stuffed my books into large boxes, organizing them by genre and author. I figured it would make it easier on the other side of the ocean when I unpacked.

I purchased a home, not too far away from the Cullen's' estate. It was a cute New England cottage. It was only a few miles away from Bangor and about twelve miles away from the campus. Far enough away I wouldn't have to mingle often with the co-eds. The back of the house backed up to a forest with lost of yummy animals for me to snack on. It was the perfect location but it would take a bit of work to get it fixed up nicely. With my new funds it seemed like the perfect project for all the spare time I would have.

It didn't take him long to reach my door and I yelled come in before he could knock. Edward opened the door slowly, when I looked at his face I couldn't bare the pain I saw. It reminded me too much of my own recent pain, but there was so much more there, it almost overwhelmed me and I wasn't even touching him.

Instinctively I grabbed him, hugging him with all my strength, he didn't even flinch. All his thoughts came racing toward me. I saw the attack in the house, Jasper's desperation, Bella's pain before he turned away. It overcame me like a tsunami, I released him as though if I didn't I would never let go.

"I'm sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry," I kept repeating it over and over to him. I shivered at the scene being replayed in my head.

"I couldn't even stay to watch her be stitched up. I wanted to devour her even then; after all we had been through. I was able to save her from James, but I couldn't protect her from Jasper. I failed," he continued without speaking to me directly. He seemed to need to hear the words out loud for himself.

I composed myself for a second, wanting to say something sarcastic, but not having the energy to even harass him. This was more than a teen issue, and right now he didn't appear to just be another teenage. He was in real pain, deeper than even my pain. I couldn't move, I didn't breathe. I waited for him to finish.

"I love her so much; I can't continue to be a danger to her. If something happened to her because of me or my family I couldn't go on living. She is so delicate," he chuckled pathetically at some memory of her, "how do humans survive to adulthood?"

He paused then, waiting for me to say something. Images of Nathaniel ran through my head. I envisioned him when I first saw him, a strong handsome man. I ran through the pictures over the years until his final image when I left for Alaska. He was old then, balding, his hair white as new snow, his forehead had deep creases and his skin was nearly transparent. Age spots dotted his face and hands, but even when I looked at him at that age, I only saw him young.

Edward was following my thoughts, his face lightened just briefly. Perhaps these memories were the best I could do at the moment. He nodded, "She needs to opportunity to grow old, to have children…" He trailed off at the end; I am sure running back through my images and replacing them with his own imaginings of Bella as an old woman.

"We haven't chosen an easy life. To live among humans as humans is the most difficult thing our species can do. You and I have chosen the most difficult road, that of loving them. We will always be a danger to them, whether we are there or not. But lots of things are dangers to them. Cancer, car accidents, heart attacks, fires, natural disasters, even old age is a danger to them," I sighed when I said that last example. At least they get old age, the bitter side of me thought.

He nodded grimly, "I guess I was always going to lose her. It is better sooner than later," he sounded like a martyr and for a moment, the sarcasm returned to my thoughts.

"There you go with that emo stuff again, huh, kid?"

He didn't even lash back at me like normal, he just shrugged. He wasn't even going to try to smile. So smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, old habits die hard."

"I know."

"You don't seem the same. It is hard for me to even treat you like my kid brother. Who, by the way, is sixty years old today. I guess I am the kid sister now."

That seemed to bring a smile to his face for the briefest moment.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"I don't drink," he stated flatly.

"Canine or human, your choice," I said while I held up my pouch, "you look like you could use some. Those circles under your eyes look bone deep."

I threw him a pouch of canine blood. He squinted at the taste but kept swigging until it was gone.

"Where did these come from?"

"Nathaniel was looking out for me. He was stock piling them for after he died. I guess he knew eventually I would go off human blood and wanted to be prepared for both contingencies."

"Alice said she saw you," he eyed me closely. I stiffened, how much had she seen?

"Oh yea?"

"Yea, in the graveyard. Is it true?"

"Yea, it's true. When I left Siberia, you could have called," I turned it around on him quickly. I didn't to relive those horrible months.

"She thought about it, but then she saw this. We figured you might need to get through this alone. She wants to visit when you get to Maine. They are all at Cornell."

"You are all welcome any time you wish."

"So you want to continue on your own, huh?"

"It's not such a bad life after you get used to it," I replied, relieved that the conversation was taking a different direction, "I didn't have much luck living with my family. I always disappointed them so it intimidated me to stay with Tanya. I figured I could never be good enough, or vegetarian enough to satisfy them."

"You know they aren't like that," he corrected sternly, almost defensively. He seemed relieved that the conversation was moving away from more painful subjects as well. His shoulders relaxed a little, but the pain was still clear on his face.

"I know, but remember what I said about old habits? Anyway, Siobhan offered to take me in as well. But hunting people never really appealed to me, but I did feel more comfortable around Siobhan's coven than Tanya's. So I moved to London, close enough to visit, far enough away to not have to visit. I guess I made a similar choice when I went to college the first time," I winked at him. He didn't seem amused.

"Anyway, the life suited me and Nathaniel made it worthwhile. I was five vampire years old by the time I met him. No matter how much it pained me, I was always more comfortable around humans than vampires. I hated feeling like a monster; Nathaniel made me feel like an angel."

Something I said made his head jerk up and the pain burned in his eyes again. I couldn't help but think of that Martina McBride song, Concrete Angels. That is what he looked like in that moment. The song played through my head for a moment. He quickly shook his head and frowned because he hated country music.

"She always thought of me as an angel. Or a superhero," he tacked on as an afterthought, "but I am nothing more than a monster. We are all monsters."

"We are no better or worse than the humans we live around. Look around you at the hate, the violence, the enmity. We simply have different struggles against evil but that doesn't make us evil."

He buried his head in his hands again. I gently touched his hand, his emotions pouring out of him in a rush. I didn't let go, but instead watched the past nine months replay in front of my eyes. The way she looked when he grabbed her from the clutches of the out of control van, her broken body on the floor of the ballet studio in Phoenix, how beautiful she looked at Prom, and the terror on her face when he left her.

"How could she believe that I couldn't love her? I thought I would be begging for several days, I even hoped I would be. In the back of my mind I believed that if she begged me to stay I wouldn't deny her. But she didn't. That makes me the real monster."

It took me a second before I realized he didn't actually say those words, but I heard them as clearly as if he did. His thoughts were so much clearer when I touched him than when he projected them to me. I still couldn't let go even being crushed by all that emotion.

I cleared my throat trying to lighten the mood again, "You went to Prom?"

He was distracted and the image of Prom came back. I heard her tell him that she thought he would change her into a vampire. I could feel his revulsion to her inquiry as he casually passed it off. She was beautiful, I would give him that. Not beautiful in that vampire way, not a perfect specimen, but innocent, she gave off an air of unconditional trust. I realized that is what surprised him the most, how quickly she then pulled it back when she started believe he couldn't love her.

"It's gonna be alright, Edward," I told him as I pulled away. The emotions were becoming too much for my self control.

He sat there still as a statue for the rest of the night. At that moment I really wished I could sleep, because I wanted to be anywhere but in the same room as him. I put on some old Western movie, something that wouldn't remind him of Bella and sat there for the rest of the night.