PREFACE: I do not own Jack Daniels, the United States of America, Freedom Arms, Hellsing, Thanksgiving, or Mr. Clean. Flint is based on a real person, and that is all I will say.
-START-
Walter strode briskly yet carefully across an expensive red and white carpet that had once upon a time been simply an expensive white carpet. "Alucard, why is…what-what is this and why is it on the carpet?"
Alucard shifted his jaunty beret to the other side of his head. "It's not on the carpet, it's on the ceiling."
"it's…" Walter stared at the unspeakable abomination plastered across the ceiling. "What in…I don't believe I have seen anything that horrible since WWII. What is that and what did you do to make it?"
"I've decided to be an Artiste." Alucard said proudly. "I found some dead rats in the basement, and there was a blender in the kitchen that expressed my creativity with proper enthusiasm, as long as it didn't have a cap. And now, for the final touch!" he reached for the ceiling fan switch just as Seras walked in.
"Hey, Master, can I borrow your-" SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT.
"Alright, this is the worst thing I've ever seen now." Walter blinked powerlessly while he wiped rat guts from his monocle. "Mistress Victoria, are you-"
"Waaah-hah-hah-hah! Master, why are you so mean?" Seras looked vaguely like a lump of werewolf vomit. "And crazy! why are you so god damn crazy!" Seras wandered off, yelling incoherently.
"I'm not crazy-it's just that everyone else can't see the leprechauns." Alucard stuffed his beret into the blender, and tossed it out the window, where it made a satisfying "Clunk" sound as it hit a raccoon. "Art is boring now. Time to start cleaning up this delicious, ratty mess."
"You just did this to mess with Miss Victoria, didn't you." Walter asked.
"And you. A man's got to have a hobby." Alucard picked up one end of the rug and started chewing on it. "Oh, delicious expensive rug. I've always wanted an excuse to eat you."
"Every day I spend with you is another day my brain wants to kill itself." Walter took off his bathrobe, to reveal a plastic-lined backup bathrobe.
"RrrrrrrRRRRRrrrrr." Seras growled at the rat gunk being washed down the shower drain, trying to pry chunks of rat flesh out of her hair. "I hate you, master." the beleaguered Draculina spat out a rat foot. "I wonder where Integra is…"
"I GREET YOU WITH THE TRADITIONAL GESTURE OF MY PEOPLE!"
"The whaAAAAAAH" Seras screamed as Integral, clad in chaps, a rawhide vest and a cowboy hat, spinning jump kicked her way through the glass shower door.
"Hoo-AAH!" Integra shouted, punching a hole in the linoleum. "Cocaine is AWESOME."
"He..hello? I'm naked in here! And now covered in broken glass!…ow!"
"Huh?" Integra looked down. "Police girl, you're naked. And covered in glass. That's no way to meet foreign businessmen. Unless they're into that kind of thing."
"I have to do what now? What's going on?" Seras shook some of the glass out of her hair. "Why the hell are you dressed as a cowgirl?"
"Cocaine. Also, we're going to be meeting an American later, and this is how they dress."
"I…don't think that's actually the case."
"I don't pay you to think, Police girl. In fact, I don't pay you at all. So don't think! Also, breathe into this." Integral held a chloroformed rag to the glass-coated, nude vampire's face.
-LATER-
Integral shuddered, and not just from the bumpy dirt road. "Do you have even a single tape in here that's not Country?"
"I'm not at all sure I understand. We got both kinds of music here in the Flint-mobile: Country, and Western." Flint was a shabby-looking American, unshaven and somehow able to fit about two feet of dark hair underneath a bullet-ridden cowboy hat. He had no talents besides a vague sort of inventiveness and a confidence that bordered on idiocy, and spent his live bouncing from one get rich quick scheme to the next, fueled by bad ideas and regular doses of Jack Daniels.
He had also made close to 90 million dollars in the past four years or so, due to starting Pest Control International, a global corporation that destroyed a nation's vampires for a sizeable fee. He had recently been elected president of the ISST (International Society of Supernatural Troubleshooters), a global board of stuffy old rich dudes who handled various Paranormal problems. Sir Integral Hellsing was the previous president of the board, which understandably led to conflict.
"I hate you." Integral gave him a death glare, which looked much less imposing than she probably would have intended. She had been without alcohol, without cigars, and without Walter's guidance for almost a day, and the general effect was less "Hardened commander of undead-slaying forces" and more "Grumpy bunny rabbit".
"Aw, shucks, you don't mean that."
"I am going to kill you." Integra made a choking gesture with her hands. "And your weird car sucks. It smells like vomit and barbeques gone wrong."
"And what should I do in the bed of a pickup truck?" Flint queried, raising an eyebrow.
"Pick up the what?" Integral shuddered. "Why is it so cold here? Why don't you have air conditioning? I thought we were going to a meeting."
"We are."
"When?"
"Sometime." he responded. "What's up with your secretary? Are you sure she's okay back there?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Seras rolled around the truck's bed, banging her head regularly on a cardboard box filled with empty beer bottles. "WHY DO I HAVE TO RIDE BACK HERE!"
"Police Girl is fine. She just likes to complain. Where are we? Because it looks suspiciously like the middle of bumfuck nowhere."
"Be careful now-I grew up around here." Flint said.
"Just as I thought. Is there a point to driving nine hours in the woods?"
"Yep." Flint really popped his 'p' sounds.
"What? What is it?"
"I'm outta gas."
-SOME TIME AGO-
-NOW-
"Wait…we're stuck here." Integra said unbelievingly.
"I needed to see someone back here at the old neighborhood. I thought you might like to come along." Flint deadpanned.
"WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT!" Integra shouted.
"He has fuel."
"Wait…really?"
"Well, Ol' Porcupine Joe's moonshine is certainly strong enough to be used as fuel. I spilled some in the bed of my pickup once, and it ate right through."
"Seras, did you remember to bring my hip flask? I'm going to want some of this." Integra said.
"Yes, Sir Integra." Seras jumped out of the pickup bed, rubbing the bump on her head from where she had repeatedly bumped into an old bottle of Seagram's.
Flint rooted around under the truck's seat, pulling out a .454 Freedom Arms revolver and a box of varied half-empty liquor bottles.
"Why the mohaska?" Seras asked.
"Bears."
"Why the booze?" Integral asked.
Flint looked at the British ladies askance. "You don't expect me to be found in the middle of the woods at night sober, do you?" He walked off in a direction that appeared to be chosen for its huge amount of prickers.
"I like this guy." Integral said.
-LINE BREAK-
Walter crossed "Tofurky" off the list. "Alucard, you spent some time in America."
"It is entirely possible that what you just said was true." Alucard placed six more containers of Mr. Clean in Walter's shopping cart. "What the hell is tofurky?"
"It's like turkey, but for people who don't eat meat."
Alucard scratched his head. "That's fucked up. Why wouldn't they eat meat? A gypsy curse?"
Walter sighed. "Because some people don't like that animals…it's a gypsy curse."
"I knew it!" Alucard said.
"Anyway, what do you know about Thanksgiving?" Walter asked.
"There were…like…dudes in hats." Alucard said. "And Indians. Man, I miss the days when you were allowed to hunt people. I keep telling you, it solved the gypsy problem in my country…"
"Alucard, there is no 'gypsy problem.' they're just people who are trying to live their lives. We went through this when you threw water on those Goths."
"I still don't understand why they didn't melt." Alucard took a swig from a container of Mr. Clean. "Why do we have to send that stupid American food anyway? He replaced my master. I keep saying, we should have killed him."
"Because it's a nice thing to do, and because you're not allowed to just kill whoever you want anymore." Walter glanced at the cart. "Why is there so much Mr. Clean in here?"
"Because it's nice and poisonous, and I'm going to put it in Anderson's turkey." Alucard suddenly pole vaulted over the aisle and ran off in a different direction.
Walter sighed. He had sworn to himself never to bring Alucard out into the public eye the last time that the 600 year old lunatic picked up a newspaper and shouted "Look, Walter, they're letting jews vote now!". However, Walter was old. And Seras wasn't there to put all the groceries in Walter's car, so he defaulted to the next person with super-strength.
Alucard hopped back over the aisle, with a crying child under his arm. "Back in the old country, we used to give children as gifts on special holidays!"
"But…why?" Walter asked.
"Because it's much easier to raise a wife than it is to find one. Help me put this one in a bag so the parents can't find it."
"HEY!" a huge man shouted from across the supermarket. "YOU STOLE MAH DAUGHTER!"
Alucard shot him.
"I hate you, you know that?"
"Yes." Alucard tossed the little kid to Walter, then got in the shopping cart and rode it down the aisle.
-LINE BREAK-
"This isn't Squirrel Joe's home." Integral said. "I mean, not unless he lives in an airport parking lot."
"is that where we are." Flint said, taking one last swig from a bottle of gin.
"I thought you knew where this guy lived."
"I did. But then I got drunk." Flint responded. He drop-kicked the empty box of liquor bottles into the hood of someone's car. "Boo-yah! Fuck you, car!"
"I second the motion." Integral said. "Caddy, my golf club."
"I'm not your caddy, Sir Integra-" Seras started.
"I told you what you must call me."
"Alright, Master's Master, I'm not your caddy, and I didn't bring any fucking golf clubs." Seras said. "I brought alcohol mixing equipment, because that was absolutely the only thing in your suitcase. You don't have the right to expect these things of me."
"You're absolutely right." Integra said. "Close your eyes."
"Wh-fine." Seras sighed, doing as she was told. "Happy now?"
Integral grabbed Seras by the ankles, jumped on top of the same car Flint was punching, and began smashing the vampire into the sides of the car like a human club. "FUCKING CARS!"
-LINE BREAK-
"LEMME OUT!" Alucard shouted.
"Alucard," Walter said patiently, "If I let you out of the trunk, will you steal any more children?"
"Of course I will! I mean, uh…no." Alucard replied. "No, of course I won't. Stealing children is…wrong."
"Alucard, are your fingers crossed behind your back?" Walter asked.
"Nope!"
"Fine." Walter sighed, popping the trunk.
Alucard jumped out, then threw a handful of severed fingers at Walter. "Ha! I wasn't crossing my fingers!" Alucard grabbed a butterfly net and ran into the mall. "C'mere, you sticky little pricks! You're going fedex, motherfuckers!"
"I hate him." Walter grabbed a .50 caliber rifle from the backseat. "Why was he carrying around a bunch of severed fingers!"
-LINE BREAK-
"HEY! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT!" A large police officer yelled.
"AND WHY EXACTLY THE HELL NOT!" Flint shouted, kicking in another car's windshield.
"BECAUSE I HAVE A GUN!" the cop yelled, pointing a semiautomatic at Flint's head.
"Oh, really? BECAUSE MINE IS BIGGER!" Flint quick drew the .454 in his coat, and shot at the cop.
"This is such a good idea!" Integral said, firing at the cop's car.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Screamed Seras, whose face was now full of glass.
-LINE BREAK-
"Excuse me, which store is the Fire Store?" Alucard asked.
"Um…the what?" The food court clerk asked.
"You know, the fire store. The store where you buy the fire." Alucard answered reasonably.
The food court guy stared blankly. "The what? Hey, is that a bag of children?"
Alucard sighed and placed the squirming child-bag on the ground next to him. "See, I need to buy some fire, and I need to find somewhere to buy the fire. A fire store, for example. Where is the fire store?"
"I'm afraid that I don't know where the fire store is, sir. Perhaps you would be interested in-" Alucard tore the man's head off, then punted it into a crowd. "Fucker." Alucard cursed. "Doesn't anyone know where the fire store is?"
-LINE BREAK-
"THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!" Integral shouted, driving her stolen monster truck into a cop car at incredible speed.
"THIS WAS AN AWESOME IDEA!" Flint shouted from the roof, firing at the screaming security guards running from the Hickmobile's glorious might.
"AAAAAAH! I AM NOT A HOOD ORNAMENT! AAAH!" Seras screamed, desperately trying to pry herself free from the Hickmobile's hood.
-LINE BREAK-
"I FOUND THE FIRE STORE!" Alucard shouted, lighting the mall's walls on fire with balls of fire thrown from a jar.
"Come back and buy some more fire from us anytime!" A dark haired man in tweed waved to Alucard. "Next time, you'll qualify for our frequent consumer discount!"
"BUUURRRRRRN!" Alucard screamed to the heavens, threatening the Olympian gods with mortal combat simply by virtue of his existence.
"Yes, that's usually what they say." the shopkeeper said.
-LINE BREAK-
"Run!" Flint called out, wounded, out of ammunition and pants, and surrounded by police officers. "Save yourselves, I'll hold them off!"
Integral slung Seras over her shoulder. "I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU AND YOUR SACRIFICE!" she ran into the airport, traveler's checks in one hand and pistol in the other.
The gonzo knight turned to her subject Seras. "What was that guy's name again?"
"I can't remember, my brain is full of glass." Seras said.
"And all I have to remind myself of this heroic day are these truck nuts* I stole from that monster truck. Oh, hey, there's cocaine in this!"
"What's the next flight to the UK?" Integral asked the desk clerk, parts of her face twitching in different directions.
"Uh…ten minutes from now, there's a flight to Northhampton. Will that do?"
"Yes. I would like to declare my luggage." Integral plopped a burlap sack on the customs table.
The security guard sifted through Integra's burlap sack. "Sir…"
"Ma'am." Integra said. "I'm a woman."
"Ma'am…"
"But you have to call me Sir."
"Sir, there's a live woman in this sack." The security guard said.
"I have brain glass!" Seras chirped happily.
"I have a permit for that." Integral said.
"And this Browning forty-caliber?"
"And that." Integral stated coolly.
"And this jackhammer-powered 18-inch dildo?"
"That too."
"Sir, why do you need these weapons?" The security guard said.
"So that I can shoot terrorists." Integral responded reasonably.
"That makes sense. But you should really mail these nail clippers to yourself." the security guard said. "Those things are dangerous."
"Will do!" Integral saluted.
-on the plane, after Seras picked out all her brain glass-
"So….int…Master's Master." Seras said.
"I am she." Integral snorted some cocaine off a pair of truck nuts.
"Let's play a travel game! Know any good ones?"
"Yep." Integra said. "it's called 'do cocaine.' I'll show you how to play it." she snorted some more.
'try to socialize with her, try to socialize with her,' Walter's voice said in Seras' head. "Uh, um, how about we do this: I'll tell you one thing about myself, and you tell me one thing about yourself!"
"Whatever." Integral sniffed, wiping a little cocaine off of her nose.
"I'll start! I was, uh…Pumpkin is my favorite kind of pie!"
"When I was 14," Integral said, "I lost both of my nipples in a freak turkey carving incident."
"Uh…" Seras stammered. "I like kitties!"
"I've only ever had one boyfriend in my life, and he left me because he figured out I was a woman and not a really effeminate man." Integra said. "You go."
"Uh…When I was little, I had an imaginary friend named pickles, who was a cat." Seras tried to salvage the situation.
Integral stared forward as the cocaine started to kick in, then deadpanned "I have a reoccurring nightmare that I'm naked in a pit of live, sentient penises, all of which have mouths and teeth, and they are eating me alive."
"Uh…" Seras stammered. "Let's play a new game, now."
"I have a game!" Integra said cheerily.
"Oh, good." Seras sighed.
"It's called," Integra kicked over her chair and drew a huge bowie knife from her boot, "NIPPLE COLLECTOR!" As the cocaine started doing its job, Integra began swiping at people's chests with her knife. "I'M GOING TO COLLECT ALL YOUR NIPPLES!"
"Oh shit." Seras said.
-LINE BREAK-
"Fire! Fire! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Alucard cackled.
Walter shot Alucard in the head. "Please do stop that racket." Walter gazed around himself at the firey ruins of the mall around him. "Oh dear. I can see where this would be a problem."
-MEANWHILE, UP IN THE AIR-
"I'm going to take your position as pilot, AND YOUR NIPPLES!" Integral shouted, making chopping motions at the pilot.
"You know what? Fuck this." He said, grabbing a parachute and jumping out the window. "I WASN'T EVEN A LICENSED PILOT, ANYWAAAAAAAY!"
"How does that guy keep doing this shit?" Integra wondered. She stared at the controls. "Wow, this is more complicated than it looked."
Walter squinted out the window. "Is that a plane headed towards us?"
CRASH!
"Well, this is another fine kettle of fish you've gotten me into." Integral said, crawling out from under some rubble.
"I have brain glass again!" Seras chirped.
-LINE BREAK-
Flint put a cigar stub in his mouth dramatically as he leaned against the wreckage of his monster truck, with eight or nine bullet holes in him and two dozen cops circling his location with Assault Rifles.
"It's just like my gran'pappy used to say." Flint said. "Sometimes, you fuck the bear in the ass. And sometimes, the bear fucks you in the ass."
"I have truly never heard anyone say that before." one of the cops stated flatly.
"And sometimes," Flint said, lighting his cigar stub with a lit stick of dynamite, "You explode the bear."
-AUTHOR'S NOTE-
I swear, Integra gets weirder every time I write her. Anyway, It's been a while. I'm in the swing of writing things in a more academic fashion at the moment, which is why this is longer than normal. I'm really sorry I haven't been updating as regularly as I used to, but I get a particularly long winter break so you can expect a few more updates come mid-December.
Flint is based on a real person, and that's all I can say about that. You can think of him as being an American version of Vasily, if that helps.
I'd like to thank Kaitaru Seras Viktoria Hatake(nice name), LadyZuRii, Demon Raily, Ragnarok Warrior, Fish and Chipz, Maroongrad, and Dreaming of Dissent, as well as all my past reviewers and everyone who's taken the time to read my story. Your feedback makes my story better, as well as my writing in general.
I hope that all of you who celebrate thanksgiving had a happy one.
See you in December.