The next 3 days were spent sorting the library. Harry convinced Hermione to take Ron with her to Australia. Hermione looked into getting electricity into the house. As the house itself was no longer part of the muggle power grid, or really muggle records at all it was looking impossible. The Wards on the house would interfere and while they could be worked around it would take shielding the power lines with warding of their own. Harry was excited at the idea, and that excitement kept her spending precious time looking into the problem. On day three she was hit with the epiphany of solar panels, if she could properly shield them, no one would need to worry about messing with muggle memories. Yet while power was possible, internet was not. Not without dealing with muggles, and lifting the fidelus, something that none of them were willing to do.
Hermione found herself completely engrossed by the muggle text books, they enthralled her in a nostalgic way. For three days and nights the house was blissful, with library sorting, contestant studying and getting rid of the unwanted furniture. A day before she was due to see her councilor again she reminded herself that she needed to get an exercise regimen started. She smiled at Harry and Ron playing chess and told them she was going to the gym they saw on the way home, Ron started to say something but Harry cut him off, "Ok Hermione, have fun, stay safe, keep your wand on you." She smiled at both of them and left before Ron could argue with both of them. She enjoyed her walk, and wondered at the nervous tension she could feel building.
She had never been to a gym, she hopped she didn't make a fool of herself. She walked in and saw a very fit woman just slightly older than herself sitting at a reception desk. "Hi, I am kinda new here, and was hoping you guys might have a fitness class or something. "The woman smiled and pulled out a schedule and started explaining what was offered. Hermione decided against the martial arts classes, she was already tempted to hit people, no need to get better at that. She also shied away from the Yoga wanting something a little more demanding. She was assured that the dance classes were highly aerobic and generally good fun. She signed up for some and was given a tour of the gym. She met a personal trainer and purchased appropriate clothing, and promised to be there bright and early the next day to start with the basics. She made it home in time for dinner and started chattering away about it. Ginny was interested, and decided she would come along, Harry and Ron both looked at the girls like they were mental.
The next morning was an a humbling experience. The last time she had thought about regular exercise was when she was in primary school and they forced everyone to play kickball, or heaven forbid dodge ball. The weights were heavy, the exercises difficult, and she swore that nothing should be this exhausting. Her trainer was sweet, telling her it would get easier, but then stern, when it gets easier, that's when you have to make it harder again. Ginny fared a little better, and didn't complain as much, claiming that this felt like it could give her an edge next year in Quidditch. It was the longest hour of Hermione's life, and by the end she wanted nothing more than to collapse on the floor. Her trainer, Rose, insisted that instead she needed a shower and a huge breakfast, with plenty of protein. She was right, after a shower, and a breakfast that made Ron stare, she felt fantastic. Unable to sit still and simply read she told everyone she was leaving for her counseling session, and walked out of the house. She stopped at a bookstore, and bought maps and guide books to Australia. She loaded up on textbooks from subjects that always intrigued her from a distance but she never really had time to study. Not that she had time now, but she would make time damit, life was too short not to know.
Her arms loaded with physics books, advanced maths, and English lit classics that her mother used to rave about. She also picked up how to books on home wiring and other basic electrical how tos. She wandered over to the bestseller table and picked up a few, most of them seemed to be who done it, or military epics, and there was of course a Danielle Steel romance novel. Although there was one that intrigued her, Memoirs of a Geisha. She picked it up and added it to the very heavy stack in her arms. She wandered over to the checkout line and smiled at the boy that rang up her eclectic array of books.
She checked the time and was still amazed that she had an hour before she was due to see the counselor. She decided to read in the reception area, no need to risk running late by starting another errand. She waited in the small reception area, and tried not to laugh at how her presence set the receptionist on edge. Hermione couldn't blame her really, two weeks ago she had hit a counselor, last week she had been screaming and crying and ripping pillows to pieces, thank Merlin for magic. This week she felt like a completely different person. When she was called in she couldn't help but feel a little smug, one week in and progress was already being felt.
Her counselor sat in front of her and barely let her get settled before her gentle voice started the conversation, "So what has been going on."
"Harry woke up."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, he is still a little fragile, and he doesn't want to talk, not that I blame him, he is scared it's all going to reverse."
"What else?"
"You were right, exercise is amazing!"
"I take it you are still feeling the endorphin rush."
"Yeah, it's better than coffee, and I just, I feel great."
"That's good, it won't always alter you this much, but as a daily part of your life it will continue to help relieve stress and keep you healthy. So what else has been going on?"
"I made a list, of the long term projects I want to accomplish." She passed over the list.
"Wow, that is a lifetime of work"
"Yeah but I promised myself that, well I wouldn't let what happened to me happen to another muggleborn girl."
"You do realize reshaping society is not a quick or easy task, attitudes are fluid, but this much change hasn't been seen in hundreds of years."
"I know, but what is the use of putting up with being the brightest witch of our age if I don't put it to good use."
"Does it bother you that people label you?"
"Yes, but I would rather be the brightest witch rather than, what was it, Potter's mudblood."
"Do you think that's how people see you?"
"Yeah some of them were very vocal about it, others were even more extreme in their expression." Hermione found herself tracing the scar on her arm, at least Bellatrix had decent carving skill, the cursive was quite pretty, if one didn't understand the slur they would think it might be an intentional marking.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" she asked gesturing to the mark that Hermione was tracing.
Hermione hesitated, she knew it was probably good to talk about it, but it had been such a good day, why ruin it with memories. But that was part of these sessions, to fully understand what had happened, and how it had affected her. "In the last year of the war, the very active year, Harry, Ron and I were on the run. We crossed the countryside looking for…" She stopped and waited, Horcruxes were a taboo subject, but it was part of everything, to try and pretend they didn't exist was counterproductive to the point of therapy. "Horcruxes, for Voldemort's Horcruxes. Shards of that monster's soul. They were evil, absolutely evil. Two of them were destroyed before we started. One of them we had to carry with us until we could destroy it. It tore us apart. It whispered foul things in your mind, made every little thing irritating, and took our hope and sucked it out, like a dementor, but it did it quietly, did it slowly, so you didn't really know if what you were thinking was because of it, or if what you were feeling was from you? In the months of searching, we found nothing, we kept trying to think like him, where would I put pieces of my soul if I wanted to keep them safe, but also find fitting places, places that would be suitable for a soul. It was an impossible task, we knew it, we did it anyway It was further complicated by being hunted, Fucking HUNTED like we were goddamned didn't see anyone for months, fucking months of cold and hunger, the food I packed only lasted so long. And then Ron left. He left…" The flood gate broke open then, and she sobbed and sobbed, the pain tearing thru her as she wailed. "He left us, he left me. It was the locket, of course it was the locket, but it, we, we were supposed to be together, he and I and Harry we were all we had to fight the world, and he left, and it didn't matter that we were all best friends since 1st year, it didn't matter that he and I, that we liked each other. It wasn't enough. He left and it felt so hollow, and Harry and I carried on, we kept looking. And after, I don't even know how long, we kinda pulled back together. Ron came back, with the sword of Gryffindor and he and Harry destroyed the it looked like we were finally making some progress, then we got snatched." Her face hardened as she recounted being drug to the manor, how Draco refused to confirm who they were. How when the sword was spotted Bellatrix lost her shit. "I don't remember most of it. It hurt. It felt surreal, like my god this doesn't happen, this is to unreal, this can't happen in real life. This is what gets written in books by over dramatic writers. But it happened" her voice dropped to a near whisper, as if by not being too loud she could somehow minimize the truth. "She held me down, and carved a fucking word onto my arm, and at least she had good skill, right, look at this cursive, its beautiful, its so fucking pretty…" her silent tears started to stutter, but instead of sobs hysterical laughter bubbled out of her. It was a while before her laughter died down and the tears started to flow again. "So much of it is a blur, one of the only things I remember was seeing Lucius Goddamned Malfoy smiling." Her voice got low, and dangerous and had lost the hysteria "I wish I could kill him, I wish I could hold him down and slowly carve pretty slurs onto his fucking body. I wish I could smile at him at the worst fucking moment of his life. That is why I am here I suppose, because I don't ever think I am going to not want to kill him, I don't ever think I can be in the same room as him and not want to beat him senseless, and then take a knife to his fucking smile."
She looked up at the calm stillness of the woman before her. This woman was ready for this, she was unflappable, she had faced demons, she could help Hermione face hers.
"How do I fix this, this feeling, it feels impossible, that list, that feels easy next to this. I understand, why I am angry, but I just can't not be angry, I can't, how do I fix this?"
"You don't, you focus on what you can fix, we work on making a better world and a better you, and time will lessen the impulse, but I don't expect that anger to change, its up to us, you and me to figure out how to focus on life, and not on the anger."
Hermione felt her hopes collapse, this woman seemed so good, surely she could fix this, this easily understandable, and justifiable urge to murder another human being. There was no answer, and wasn't that just exhausting. There was a deep silence while Hermione took deep breaths and tried to focus on her body and not her racing thoughts.
"What do you have planned for next week?"
"Finding my parents" funny how just saying that brought back the tight feeling in her chest, the nervousness and anxiety of what was going to be another impossible task.
"Any worries?"
"What if they recognize me? What if they hate me? What if they hate their lives?"
"What can you do?"
"I don't know, I can't give back the memories, they are gone now, I can just hope that they that if they that if they did know, that they would understand why I did it."
"Why did you do it?"
"To keep them safe, they wouldn't leave on their own, I tried to explain, but when they wouldn't agree, I took their choice from them."
"Would you do it again?"
"Yeah, especially after being, cruicoed, I wouldn't let them go thru that"
"Keep in mind the context, not just the actions. There are reasons you did what you did, as horrifying as it feels, remember what would have happened otherwise. Your actions while horrifying were a preventive measure. Are you going to go alone or bring someone with you?
"I am going to bring Ron with me" She reflected on it "He has been a little better since Harry woke up, but he has been very paranoid and doesn't want anyone to leave the house. We have been working on bringing him out into the muggle world to show him that there isn't anything to be afraid of, but he still wants to throw a fit any of us go out alone, especially me.
Do you think he is going to be able to be supportive if you need him to be?
I think so, dragging him halfway across the world via muggle means is going to be, stressful. But I think it is going to be worth it, he needs to see the world isn't going to burn around us, and we could use some bonding time, our relationship has been strained for the last few weeks, He was great during the funerals, when we needed comfort in one another we found it. But since then he has been edgy, and almost controlling. He never wants me to leave the house and we keep fighting over it. He doesn't want me to go back to Hogwarts and fuck that was a screaming match. He finally seems to have figured out that I am going to do what I need to do, but he still isn't happy about any of it. I am hoping that this trip can help us, help him to see that the world isn't as scary anymore.
"I take it you believe in multitasking"
"Well yes, right now I have so much to do, every hour I find myself trying desperately to catch up in the muggle world, or to plan something, or well just trying to balance our household seems impossible, I used to be very angry at the thought of house elves, but between the cleaning and the sorting, I am so glad that Kreacher does the laundry and the cooking, we have been cleaning up the town house, and wow, all the details; the furniture, and the drapes and the rugs and the floors and the dust, and looking up charms for shine, and don't get me started on the bathrooms. But it needs to get done, it is helping all of us to see the house clean. Harry snapped out of it, and I had started the cleaning for me, but when he came around I realized that it did all of us some good. It is almost done, furniture arrives in 3 days, and then I think I am just going to let it be."
"You will move on to the next project?"
"Well yes, that is when I plan on booking the flight to find my parents."
"And I see on this list you plan to take your A levels at the end of next year, I thought you were going to Hogwarts?"
" Yes, but I know Mcgonagall was planning on giving those of us above age the ability to leave the castle, I thought I might rent a muggle flat and have internet and online access."
"So during the day you plan to finish Hogwarts, and during the night you plan to take your A levels?"
"Yes."
"People have understated your over achieving." She took a deep breath "So is it not enough to be the best in the wizarding world, you have to cram 6 years of muggle education into your spare time?"
"It's not entirely six years, I used to be quite ahead when I left the muggle system, and my parents enrolled me in summer classes my first two summers home. Honestly I could probably do fairly well on any placement tests, I am only really a year or two behind."
"Are you sure you want to put yourself under this much stress, is going to university worth it?"
"How can you ask that? You have been in the muggle world! You have been to university. All my childhood I was told how smart I was. I was teased and bullied and when I came home in tears my mother would tell me it would all be worth it when I got older, when i went to college and left them all in the dust. Maybe that is why, maybe it is because I want to be in a place where learning is taken seriously, where-"
"Hold it, university isn't always like that, most people take that time to figure out who they are, learning is not always the priority."
"But what about all, everyone says-"
"Once you get into the upper year classes, yes learning is taken very seriously, but in reality people are just people, don't think that everyone will be as eager for knowledge as you are.
"I still want to do it, I think a muggle education will help me complete my impossible tasks."
The counselor closed her eyes and could see that she wasn't going to win this fight. "Alright, your homework is to continue exercising every day, make a list of muggle subjects you want to take and why, and list out as many contributing factors to your impossible tasks. Next week if you are in country I expect to see you, if you are not, I expect to see you when you come back, no later than 30 hours after you land."
"Ok"
Hermione felt drained as she left, she apparated home, and wandered into a much different home from last week. the entry way was clear and bright, there was laughter in the lounge, and the floors gleamed brightly. Most of the rooms were empty, and it made her happy to see the new spaces. She smiled weakly at her friends and told them she was tired and going to bed. She didn't even register their reactions as she turned and went to climb into her now comfortable bed.