Childhood's End
Chapter 6
He would not look away. Even as Mai blinked, looking completely dumbstruck, that somehow hurting more than a withering glare.
"You know...that I don't want you, right?"
"Of course!" He practically growled the words. "Why do you think I wanted to talk to you? I know all that's wrong with this."
"But someone convinced you to talk about it. And I have a pretty good idea as to who."
Kaiba tried to find something to say, but couldn't.
"So what are you going to do?"
"There's nothing I can do. I'm not going to try anything with you, and certainly not to catch you on the rebound, when and if that might happen."
"Damaged goods?"
"...What?"
"Nothing. I guess that's not what I expected, though if you really were going to try something you'd hardly tell me about it."
Why did Mai have to make it so frustrating? "I'm not a lying sneak. I know the difference between games and real life, and I'm not going to pull any of the bull that you seen in TV."
"What kind of 'bull'?"
Kaiba sat up even straighter. "I'm not going to try to 'win' you. I'm not going to get into fistfights with Joey. I'm not going to stalk you, moon over you, make a virtual copy of you, or assume you'll want me because I have money. Et cetera."
"Giving up? That's not like you."
"I. Know. The. Difference. Why can't you understand that? Do you think that you're a prize, not a person?"
She glared at him. "Okay, okay. I guess that I do. It's a pride thing."
"Huh?"
"You're trying to deny that you'd stoop to choosing someone that a person you hate also did."
"No!" Kaiba sat back down on the couch. "I don't...I don't think you're some kind of trash prize."
How had it started? More importantly, why should he still be asking himself the question? The real question was what he was going to do about it.
"Well, then. I guess I should say that I never expected you to be so...progressive."
"I'm just being pragmatic. Whenever I watched TV with Mokuba, those games seemed ridiculous, dishonest. I don't make exceptions for women either way. I don't go for that stupid macho competition."
"Er...how short is your memory?"
He scoffed. "I told you, games and the boardroom are different from this. I don't have to prove myself to anyone, and I don't believe in going after a lost cause, especially when that cause can talk." He'd phrased it the wrong way. Idiot.
"Putting it in black and white, huh? Are you going to tell Joey? I'm guessing that you don't want to."
"Hmph. I don't need him getting...territorial."
"And that's what you're worried about, isn't it? That something like this will send the entire thing crashing down. You're right that he won't be entirely okay with this; maybe he will feel a little threatened. But he's not about to take out a rapier. He knows that he can trust me."
And, anyway, who wanted to see him come belatedly to fumbling discovery? Even thinking about that was barely enough to stand. Maybe it would be better to remain celibate than to have that humiliation, even if now the spark had been struck. Mai was also entrenched in stereotypes and practices that he didn't want to deal with. Why should he even feel this way? Because she still liked Duel Monsters? Similar past trauma? Admiring her bluntness? It was senseless. She was social, liked to drink and party...
"I think he should know. One, it's common courtesy. Two, he's nicer than you give him credit for."
"Mn."
"Kaiba, I'm not for you or against you. I'm not going to pat you on the back and say that because you're an honourable, passionate guy you'd be good for romance. You can probably get to a point where you could be in a relationship, but only if you want to buckle down and do it."
"I know that. Do you think that I believed you'd leave Joey for me? This is just a stupid infatuation, my brain firing off in the wrong way. I'm just going to wait it out."
"Well, maybe the guys could introduce you to someone."
"I don't want people like that."
"I'm 'people like that'."
"But you have--you're--" He didn't know what else to say.
Mai touched his arm, setting off something in him. But he wouldn't move at all, not hinting at how he exaggerated it without wanting to. "We already both know this isn't going to go anywhere, so calm down."
"There's nothing else I needed to tell you. You can leave."
"Now I'm just wondering if you're going to be okay by yourself."
"I've got plenty of things to distract me."
"Uh-huh."
"So what do you want me to do? Apologize?" His question came out peevish.
"How can you? All things considered, there are a lot of worse ways that you could handle it. I'm really surprised by you, and not in a bad way. Though I still have to admit, it seems, uh..."
"Creepy?"
Mai smirked. "I admit it, but it's not going to bring everything down. Not unless you let it." She got up and walked quickly towards the front of the house. He followed her, stood at what was hopefully a good distance as she put her coat on. If she found that too intimidating, it was her fault for being so sensitive.
No, maybe that was the wrong way to think. What was happening to him, that he'd suddenly become so quivering and indecisive? Regardless he was already in the foyer.
"I'll tell Joey soon, but remember what I said. People like you and me, sometimes we see everybody in terms of our own flaws. That's not healthy."
"Soon" probably meant right after she got back to the apartment. Their apartment. "So," he said in a wry tone, "are you asking me not to assume that everyone's as bad as me?"
She frowned. "Yeah. Think about it, won't you? You seem to know what the score is."
"I already said it was creepy, didn't I?"
By this time she was halfway out the door, gripping the handle. She nodded and closed it. He listened to her going down the steps, and her car driving away.
Work. He had to do some work. Get up to the study and work.
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Two hours later, the phone rang. It was Joey's apartment number. Kaiba reminded himself not to snap, "What?" into the receiver, only waited.
"Uh...okay, so I guess you know what this is all about. Er...I guess our little Kaiba's all grown up, huh?"
"Get to the point."
"There's no point, okay? I mean, sure, my inner caveman is about to throw a fit, but I can deal with it. Mai told me what's going on. She says you're doing real good, you said you wouldn't be weird about it. It's good."
Joey didn't sound so convinced. But, really, what else was he going to hope for?
"Listen, why don't we see--ah, geez--why don't we see if we can set you up with someone? I bet Yugi knows some people who would like..."
"No."
"Huh?"
"I'm not going to do it on your terms. I'm not going to go by your rules. And I'm not sure if I want to do it yet."
"Why not?"
Tersely he explained his objections. It was fear. He was afraid of acknowledging that he was stunted in any facet of his life. Well, he'd just have to get over it.
"But Kaiba, it's--geez--you mean you never...?"
"I just didn't have those feelings either way."
"Huh?"
"They just never came up. Not till now."
"I don't believe you. You were a teenage boy, for crying out loud!"
"Believe it." What, was Joey offended or something?
"Man, that's really something."
He sounded amused. What the heck for?
"Hey, man, don't drop this all at once. If you get it done right, falling in love's the most wonderful thing in the world. Sure it hurts, too, but I figure you could take a little pain. Everybody had to go through that awkward stage. You're just going through yours a little later."
"I'll do it whenever I decide it's right for me." At least it didn't feel as bad as when Mokuba had left. It felt like something in which he could see the light at the end of the tunnel, even as this kind of love was completely different, a fire that sometimes seemed to want to burn up his insides and his mind.
"All right, all right, all right. So what we're going to do, is just go with your plan as normal. Pretend this never happened."
"Tell the others if you want, I don't care. I'm probably already the subject of your gossip."
"'Course you are. This is still big news."
He hated it when Joey got glib. Had he been like that when they were younger? He couldn't remember. Everything had suddenly narrowed down to this phone call.
And there was a tension inside the other man's tone, he probably could have heard it right away if he hadn't been so blind to such things. Joey very much wasn't okay with it, but probably anything he could say to object would make things look worse for all of them.
"Hey! Space to Kaiba, you still there?"
"I'm here." Kaiba reminded himself that this wasn't supposed to be sunshine and roses. He ought to count himself lucky that they had accepted him at all, after the gap, what he'd said to them.
"Just...uh, think that at least you know you can do it. I'm sure that you're gonna find someone, one of these days."
"I told you, I'm going to do this on my own terms. I need to be comfortable with all of you before I can move on to strangers, to your other friends. I'll get over Mai. Easily. I'm not going to push anything."
"I guess it's just hard to believe, you know? I didn't think you liked girls, or, er, if that offends ya, I'm sorry."
"Don't be stupid. I don't care about things like that."
"I take your word that you're not going to do anything funny with Mai, okay? And she trusts you, too. I'll, uh, talk to you later."
Kaiba hung up the phone himself. He wondered what it would feel like, not only to be in love, but to have it given back. Would it change him, or would he still be strong and smart in this, as well? Did he even have any idea of what to do? Or would he ruin it? This somehow asked more than being a friend, it would make him vulnerable in new ways.
He sank back in his chair. Doing that probably made him look pathetic. But he would be true to his word. In a way he was better off than some other people might be: his slate was clean, disliking everybody equally leaving no time for certain petty stereotypes.
Maybe someday he could work with that.
But right now he'd drive to Joey's apartment and say...what? Sorry for my undead hormones targeting your girlfriend, even though nothing's going to happen? No. Stupid. He'd talked to Mai first for a reason, and Joey would just have to get over it.
Maybe I could think of this as my first major test of a new life. Or something.
A few minutes later his car was screaming into Domino, before he remembered to slow down. The drive felt like it took no time at all, and there he was, standing across the street, staring at the light on in the apartment. Of course he locked his car down, but only vaguely remembered doing it.
Were they fighting? Or silently looking at each other in their own weird guilt? If either of those were real, they would be hard to understand. It was his fault, but he'd done all he knew how to do. Right?
Kaiba pressed the bell, stood rigid, though suddenly he wanted to fidget. "It's me. I'm coming up."
A long pause. It was Mai who answered. "Come on up."
It didn't look like anything was wrong, except the both of them were huddled by the door, looking out at him as he opened it and they stepped back.
They didn't say anything, so he would start. "I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, so why don't I just let you guide me?"
"What are you talking about?" That was Joey.
"I thought something like this just shouldn't be let go. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me after saying my peace but I had some idea that...that...it would still mean something to you, and I should do something." What the heck was wrong with him, anyway?
"We're doing fine," said Mai. It's just a little strange, that's all."
"What? Didja expect us to be fighting or something? But I have to admit...right before she was finished coming through the door, I asked her how it was. And I guess the really weird part is thinking about you like that."
"Liking women?" said Kaiba in a deadpan tone.
"I expected you to be a little more possessive. With how ya--"
"We're not going into that again, all right?"
"Sure." But Joey grinned, and added, "It means there's hope for you yet!"
Kaiba couldn't smile. Not yet. "So what do you want?"
"For you to get over yourself. You're being really good about this. Real good. You take responsibility, you suck it up and deal with it. Heh. I guess ya do have good qualities after all."
This time he could tell that he was joking, but he suddenly wanted to look away from them. If they were having difficulties, would they tell him? Of course not.
"Ya know what the real trick is?"
Kaiba turned to look at Joey.
"No one really knows what the heck they're doing, 'specially when it comes to their hearts. You've obviously still gotta watch yourself, but not all the time. Relax."
"All right. But just one thing."
"What?"
"I'm going to be the first to tell Yugi about this."
"Huh? Oh, sure, sure."
A short while ago he'd been talking to Yugi about divisions, his former rival had been talking about that divide, about wondering if the fact that he still lived at home and had hardly changed his interests and appearance meant he was less mature than his friends. "It just makes me feel a little insecure, you know?" was what Yugi had said to him.
"I don't care about someone's interests or where they live. That's an idiotic way to determine maturity."
"So I guess we're alike."
"No, we're not. I took my home by force, and it's more mine than yours is. And you have friends."
"True. But there's something else. It's, well, it's about us. I don't just want to be the person you play games with just to get that old fire back. I'm here to help you, too.
"I mean, think of it this way: you said you don't know why you keep paying attention to Joey. But he's got that something. You can see him as a person, even as a person to hate, while I'm just always going to be the person who defeated you. That's something I want you to overcome."
Kaiba had snorted. "One of many."
Now: "Oh, hi, Kaiba. What is it?"
Kaiba inhaled slowly. "I fell in love with Mai, decided to stay away from her, and told her and Joey about it. Everyone's okay."
Yugi gaped at him, but after a few moments managed to choke out a, "Huh?"
"I wanted to tell you. You were worried about being left out of this."
"Well, yeah, but...you say everything's all right?"
"Mm-hm."
"How did you manage that?"
He explained his ideals to Yugi, who blinked at him.
"Don't tell me you're surprised, too."
"Um, you can't really be annoyed at me for that. But thanks for letting me know."
"I remember Mokuba telling me about a similar thing that happened."
"Me and Bakura, right. He took it just as well as you seem to be doing. But we got together once. A couple times, actually. Kind of like Mai and Joey, heh. Uh, do you want to come in?"
Kaiba entered without saying yes or no. He went to the couch.
"I can't believe it either. I haven't seen her for years, and I barely even thought about her."
"Well, she is pretty beautiful, I mean..."
"Please. Just because she's some 'ideal', doesn't mean every straight guy is going to want her."
"So why do you?"
"I don't know. It's not going to matter anymore, anyway."
"Okay, sure. Do you want some tea or anything?"
"No."
Yugi just stood there for a moment, then said. "Let me guess; you're wanting results faster than you're getting them." He moved to sit down beside him.
"Oh, forget it. I know this is different. That's the entire point of what I said to Mai. I've dealt with a hundred setbacks and I've beaten them all."
Silence for a while. "I think you're doing good," Yugi finally said. "Call me idealistic--well, actually I call myself idealistic--but I always hoped that you'd come back and try to be friends with us. Of course," He chuckled, "You probably already saw that."
"It's not like Joey put up much of a fight against me, either."
"Heh. Well, it just proves that we're bound in some ways. Maybe it's fate."
"Hmph."
"Okay, I know you don't believe in that. I'm not going to try to convince you. And it's not always going to be just us."
"Yeah. Someday."
"So...now that you're here, want to play a game? It doesn't have to be Duel Monsters if you don't want to."
He wondered if Mai would ever take him up on the offer for a duel now. "No, we'll do that."
"Just at home. Without all the bells and whistles."
"Right." Kaiba reached into his pocket.
"You always keep it with you?"
"Surprised? I wasn't born obsessing over it." Kaiba looked at the deck in his hands. "I had a time when it was just sentimental to me. I couldn't give that up. It was the obsession, not the cards." And he even found himself relaxing a little.
"Oh. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"I didn't want to." Kaiba paused, before pushing up off the couch. "Let's go."
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Yugi stared at the pocket calculator on his hands, then slowly he put it down next to him, holding his hands together, staring at the mat. "So..."
"'So' what?"
"How does it feel, after all this time?"
"I stopped caring about that a long time ago. And I've beaten you a few times in virtual battles." But Kaiba was trying very hard to suppress the urge to shiver. Years after he thought he'd lost interest, on a completely innocuous day, sitting on the floor with just a mat and a deck and a calculator...he'd won. "Don't say to me that it's an omen. Or anything about the Heart of the Cards."
But, looking a little sly, Yugi said, "Maybe you've finally earned it. Do you really think you'd have handled this thing with Mai as gracefully before?"
Kaiba allowed himself a sigh. "Believe it if you want. Tell everybody if you want. I don't mind."
"Promise?" Yugi asked, and stuck out his hand.
Over the mat, they shook on it.