There was a knock on the door to Dr. Leland's office. "Dr. Leland, the Joker says he needs to see you," said a guard, opening the door.
"Oh…send him in," said Dr. Leland. "Joker, I suppose you're going to share this big idea of yours with me?" she asked as he entered the room.
"Nope," retorted Joker, taking a seat in front of her. "But I need to use your phone, and your office."
"For what?" asked Dr. Leland.
"A phone call," said Joker. "A private phone call."
"Who to?" asked Dr. Leland.
"A private citizen," replied Joker. "Who I cannot disclose for confidentiality reasons."
"Does this have something to do with our funding crisis?" asked Dr. Leland.
"Yes," said Joker, nodding.
"And you can't tell me what it is?" asked Dr. Leland.
"Well, I'm not sure it'll work, but if it does, you'll be the first to know," said Joker. "But I'm afraid I can't tell you anything more about it at this time, except to say that I need your phone and your office."
"Well, obviously you know I'm not allowed to leave a patient alone in my office, what with all the confidential information in my files," said Dr. Leland.
"Yep, I know you're not allowed to do that, Doc," said Joker, nodding. "And of course I wouldn't dream of asking you to do that. But the fact remains that I need the private use of this phone and this office."
She studied him, and then stood up. "I suppose the security cameras could unhelpfully glitch," she said. "And of course I would need to see to them immediately, so I know none of the inmates aren't up to anything they shouldn't be. And in all the panic and confusion, you being in here could have just…slipped my mind."
"That's possible," said Joker, nodding.
"Good. I'll probably remember you're in here in ten minutes or so," said Dr. Leland, heading for the door and shutting it, leaving Joker alone.
He picked up the telephone and dialed a number. "Hello?" said the voice on the other end.
"Hi, Lexy baby, it's me!" said Joker.
"Joker, thanks for giving me your new number to block," said Lex Luthor, about to hang up the phone.
"You do and I'll just find another phone," said Joker. "Or, failing that, head over to Metropolis myself, and I'm gonna be pretty steamed at having to go through that much effort. And you won't like me when I'm steamed, Lexy."
"I'm a busy man, Joker, and I don't have time for a lot of chit chat," snapped Luthor. "So let's make this quick."
"Oooh, you smooth talking romantic, you!" chuckled Joker. "I bet you say that to all the girls!"
"What do you want?" muttered Luthor, rubbing his temples.
"I wanted to see how you and your multi-billion dollar conglomerate are holding up," said Joker. "Still successful, I suppose?"
"Yes, we are, thanks," retorted Luthor.
"More successful than Bruce Wayne's conglomerate, do you think?" asked Joker.
Luthor snorted. "Yes, LexCorp crushes all competition, including Wayne Enterprises. The difference is one is run by an acute businessman with incredible intelligence and ruthless ambition, while the other is run by some philandering playboy idiot. Now if there's nothing else…"
"Not so fast, Lexy – boy, I hope this ain't how you treat the gals, or some of them might not call you back," said Joker. "I need you to do something for me."
"Sure, when hell freezes over," said Luthor, about to hang up the phone again.
"Now Lex, I'd be a little nicer to me if I were you, and you were in my position," said Joker. "You should always be nice to people who can make your life very unpleasant, otherwise they might not be nice to you."
"Well, your very existence makes my life unpleasant, Joker, so it's a little late for that," retorted Luthor.
"Oh, I've been very nice to you so far, Lex," said Joker. "I could be much, much worse. For instance, there's a rumor going around that you're planning a little presidential campaign in the near future."
"So?" asked Luthor. "If you think you can blackmail me with Injustice League stuff, you have to remember that it's my word against yours, a psychotic clown who's clinically insane. Nobody's going to believe you."
"Lexy, baby, I'd never accuse you of anything without proof," said Joker. "And it's not the Injustice League stuff I have proof of. It's something else. Something you did a long time ago, before you started the Injustice League, and before you became the successful man you are today. I have in my possession…certain tapes."
"Tapes?" repeated Luthor. "Tapes of what?"
"Of you in college," said Joker. "And certain extracurricular activities you might have indulged in."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Joker," retorted Luthor.
"Sure you don't, Sex Luthor," chuckled Joker.
Luthor froze as all the color suddenly drained from his face. "Where…where did you get those tapes?" he muttered.
"Oh, I never give away a source, Lex," said Joker, grinning. "But I gotta say, I was really surprised to see this side of you. Plus you had hair and all, so it's a little shocking aside from the act itself, which is actually not bad…anyway, the stuff on these tapes could ruin your chances of getting elected if they were to be made available to the general public by an anonymous source."
"What do you want in exchange for them?" demanded Luthor. "Name your price."
"I'm glad you said that, Lex," said Joker, grinning. "Because Arkham is having a little funding problem that I'm sure LexCorp can help with."
"What funding do you need?" asked Luthor.
"Well, all of it," replied Joker. "The mayor's refusing to give us any more of the city's money, so we've had to increase our reliance on private donations. Like LexCorp, who will generously pay for all the financial support Arkham Asylum needs, since Lex Luthor is such a benevolent humanitarian."
"Joker, I can't possibly give you all that money!" snapped Luthor. "Do you have any idea how much it's going to cost to run the entire asylum?!"
"Nope, but you will," said Joker. "Unless you want me to leak these tapes to a certain Miss Vale, who I know will share this information in her usual responsible and professional way. Oh sure, you can claim they're fakes, but the damage to your reputation will have been done by then, won't it? I can just see the headline now: Metropolis's Benefactor's Dirty Money – Literally. Naturally accompanied by a tasteful photo taken from the footage…"
"All right, damn you!" shouted Luthor. "I guess I can always go back to smuggling arms and selling secrets to the Russians to bring in money on the side, because this is going to blow a huge hole in my business!"
"Better than torpedoing your campaign before it even starts though, huh?" asked Joker. "And speaking of torpedoes, that footage was not flattering to you in terms of size. Isn't the camera meant to add ten pounds?"
"Joker, if I go through with this deal, you're destroying those tapes," snapped Luthor. "And you will never speak of them again to any living soul. As far as everyone knows, they never even existed."
"Deal," said Joker. "But I can still call you Sex Luthor, right?"
"No!" snapped Luthor.
"What about Sexy Lexy?" asked Joker.
"Goodbye, Joker," snapped Luthor, slamming down the phone.
Joker chuckled, heading back to his cell, where he found Harley waiting for him. "You look really pleased with yourself, Mr. J – does that mean we can have playtime now?" asked Harley, pleadingly.
"Sure thing, pooh bear," said Joker, kissing her. "Because I just solved all of Arkham's funding issues."
"You did? Really?" asked Harley, hopefully. "How?"
"I blackmailed Lex," said Joker. "LexCorp has got tons of money. He's gonna funnel a little of it over to Arkham, after I persuaded him, of course."
"How'd you do that?" asked Harley.
"Sex Luthor," chuckled Joker.
"Sex Luthor?" repeated Harley. "What is that, a band?"
"Nope, not a band," said Joker, grinning. "A striptease act."
"Lex used to strip?" asked Harley, incredulous.
"Well, he wasn't always rich, you know," said Joker. "He did it to help pay for college. Apparently he was pretty good at it, and it's the foundation of his fortune today. Which naturally he doesn't want anyone to know about, so he went through careful effort to eliminate anyone who might have seen his act, and destroyed all tapes of it. Or so he thought. I found copies on the black market a few years ago, paid a handsome price for them, and I've been saving them for just such an occasion when I might need Lex to do me a big, big favor."
"Well, I guess we all did stupid things in college," said Harley, shrugging. "I used to study, if you can believe it."
"It's one of the reasons why I'm so glad I can't remember who I used to be," said Joker, nodding. "There's no blackmail material out there if they don't know who you are. I probably did things when I was young and stupid too, but thank God I lost my identity."
"Have you watched the tape?" asked Harley.
"Oh yeah," said Joker, nodding. "I can show it to you when we get home, if you want. Lex didn't used to be a bad looking guy, y'know, before he went bald."
"I bet he's not as handsome as you, puddin'," purred Harley.
"Well, who is?" said Joker, shrugging. "Plus I got a lot more than him in the torpedo department, if you know what I'm saying."
"Maybe you could do a little striptease for your Harley girl," said Harley, grinning. "We could think up a stripper name for you like…the Clown Prince of Pantsless."
Joker looked at her. "You know what, Harl, I'd normally tell you that's a stupid idea and refuse your request, but I'm in such a good mood, I might just indulge you."
"Be sure to leave the bowtie until last," said Harley, settling herself on the bed. "And the gloves. And take those off with your teeth."
"Anything for a paying customer," said Joker. "You are paying me, right?"
"Of course, puddin'," said Harley, nodding. "If we've learned nothing else from this funding fiasco, it's that money makes the world go round. And gets your pants off," she said, holding up a twenty dollar bill.
"Joker, who did you call and what…" began Dr. Leland, rounding the corner. She saw the scene before her and slowly backed away. "Never mind – I'll come back later," she said, heading back to her office. "Gotta go gouge my eyes out."