Welcome to part two. I really, really am going to try and get this finished this week, because I'm off on a two week holiday on Saturday and I wouldn't want you to have to wait that long on my account after I'd already posted part one.
SHERLOCK- Episode Three: The Great Game
(Part Two)
8. I am guessing its the next day, because Sherlock is all wrapped up in his coat again and doing that thing where he sort of rests his nose on his fingers.
As in, the thing I have now picked up as a habit because of this show. Why does that even happen?
LESTRADE Aren't you interested in this woman's life story, Sherlock?
SHERLOCK Nah. Too busy being awesome
LESTRADE Then you wouldn't be interested in the fact that was forced by sniper ninjas to drive to the car park where everyone ignored her for 12 hours despite the fact that she was sobbing and decked in enough explosives to take down a house. Who does that? Seriously, London's car parks must be full of jerks?
AUDIENCE LESTRADE! WE LOVE YOU! WHERE WERE YOU AND YOUR AWESOMENESS LAST EPISODE?
SHERLOCK Elegant
JOHN o_O I really have no idea what you are on about sometimes, Sherlock
LESTRADE Don't even bother trying. Anyway, I think the real question is why would someone do this?
SHERLOCK Because they're bored?
Yes, Sherlock, because everyone goes psychopathic and shoots walls (in flashback overlay so-mo, apparently) or straps people to bombs when they're bored.
EVERYONE WITH A BRAIN We know who done it! And his name is totally M-
PHONE Y HALO THAR! *four pips*
LESTRADE Oh bloody hell, not again
A photo of a car has been delivered, and seconds later the car is reported as being abandoned
LESTRADE And the guy is apparently a psychic. That... sucks
SALLY DONOVAN Hello freak. Just to let you know I still hate you and you've got a phone call
SHERLOCK Don't worry, I still hate you too *answers phone* Hello?
And it's our mysterious bomber again, this time communicating through a man whose strapped to a load of bombs
BOMBER (VIA SOBBING PERSON #2) Police are stupid. You are clever and I totally have a creepy crush on you or something. Also, Carl Powers was a bastard and had it coming.
AND HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLOODY LONDON STREET! COME ON, PEOPLE! I know he's wearing and coat so the bomb is hidden apart from a few wires but HE'S STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY LONDON STREET READING FROM A PAGER INTO A PHONE AND SOBBING! HOW IS THAT NOT CONSPICOUS? WHY IS NOBODY NOTICING AND TRYING TO HELP? WHY DOES NO ONE CALL THE POLICE? (I mean, I know they'd probably be blown up for their trouble but the point still stands) IS LONDON REALLY FULL OF THIS MANY JERKS?
And this time Sherlock has 8 hours
LESTRADE And luckily my timing of talking about this abandoned car is perfect and we can go and find it right now!
JOHN Well, isn't that just shiny?
9. Down to the docks, on the less-attractive side of town
Here be abandoned cars. With the expensive leather seats all covered in blood that seems to belong to Ian Monkford, the bloke who hired the car. Lovely. Also, it's been raining.
Meanwhile, Sally is busy insulting Sherlock by talking to John about him
SALLY Opposites attract, I suppose
JOHN Good lord, does EVERYBODY ship us?
SALLY *shifty eyes*
LESTRADE *innocent whistle*
ENTIRE POLICE FORCE *shifty eyes*
ENTIRETY OF LONDON *innocent whistle*
FANGIRLS *giggle*
After finding a card of some kind in the glove compartment, Sherlock (John in tow) goes to talk to the wife. And now we have some extra-brilliant acting from Teh Cumberbatch which I'm going to gloss over or I'll be gushing about it all day.
SHERLOCK I'm a very old friend of your husband's and I;m very sad about his death. See, I'm crying and everything
FANGIRLS OMGHE'SCRYINGQUICKTAKEPICTURES!
MRS MUNKFORD *looks like my old drama teacher*
JOHN Why can't Sherlock tell me what's going on occasionally *facepalm*
MRS MUNKFORD Well, he never mentioned you
SHERLOCK I am hurt and insulted. Oh, Ian, wonderful Ian, happy Ian
MRS MUNKFORD But he was depressed!
SHERLOCK Why would he hire a car? Bit suspicious?
MRS MUNKFORD He forgot to renew the tax!
SHERLOCK Oh, well, that was Ian
MRS MUNKFORD Why do I get the feeling you're just making this up as you go along
SHERLOCK *snaps back to normal persona in about half a second flat and its brilliant* Because I am. Interesting. Bye.
MRS MUNKFORD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
JOHN I am both impressed and disappointed in you
SHERLOCK My powers of manipulation are unmatched. Right, we're off to Janus cars, as soon as I've wiped the crocodile tears from my eyes
SALLY *yells after John* Fishing! Try fishing!
AUDIENCE Whaaaaaaaat?
THAT LINE *Will never be explained*
10. Convenient timer informs us that there are six hours to go
Janus Cars is, predictably, run by a slimy bloke who goes out of his way to be as unhelpful as possible.
SHERLOCK I pretend to know nothing about cars for reasons that will only become clear later
SLIMY BLOKE *scratches arm*
SHERLOCK Hmm...
JOHN Excuse me, busy asking important questions here, lives at stake etc.
SHERLOCK Nice holiday?
JOHN *moar facepalm*
SHERLOCK Cigarette machine?
There are cigarette machines? Like, vending machines for cigarettes? I've never heard of them, and I'm British. Weird. Anyway, the whole thing is a ploy to take a look at slimy man's wallet anyway.
SHERLOCK You've been very helpful. Bye!
JOHN Erm, what was all that about?
SHERLOCK He's a slimy liar. Now, I have to analyse some blood
JOHN Nice...
And we get the shot from the opening credits of the droplet and the blood... At which point the pink phone rings again.
BOMBER (VIA SOBBING PERSON #2 STILL-STANDING-IN-THE-MIDDLE-OF-FLIPPING-LONDON) Here have a clue. Janus Cars = meaningful y/y?
SHERLOCK And you are giving me clues, why?
BOMBER We were made for each other *creepycreepy*
SHERLOCK Are you asking me out on a date?
BOMBER *hangs up*
SHERLOCK Right. Now I'm worried.
BLOOD *fizz*
SHERLOCK Ooh! Yay! *happy smile that looks kind of evil and if I didn't have context I'd think he was the villain or something*
And I keep accidentally typing "Janus Cats" instead of "Janus Cars" wtf?
3 hours to go... And the car is now in a car park and surrounded by plastic. Meanwhile, Sherlock is busy doing his explaining thing. In short (and chronological order):
Ian Munkford wanted to get out of the country due to assumed financial trouble (yet another strike against the bankers)...
MARK GATISS We is topical, y/y?
... so he went to Janus Cars which helps people fake their deaths so he gave a pint of blood to Janus Cars which was frozen and then he went to Columbia and Janus Cars put abandoned the car and spread the blood all over the seats.
Seems a bit more trouble than its worth, to be honest.
And Sherlock knows this because slimy man had Columbian money in his pocket and had a tan line and was scratching from where he'd had injections to go abroad to help Munkford settle into his new life.
And Janus Cars = meaningful y/y because Janus was the god with two faces.
Also, the wife's in on it. Something about life insurance
SHERLOCK Now Lestrade can go do some arresting because that's his job
JOHN And what shall we do?
SHERLOCK How about walk badassly out of this car park with the light going out behind us? I AM ON FIRE! (not literally)
JOHN AND SHERLOCK *do so*
LIGHTS *go out badassly behind them*
SCENE *is badass*
...
...
...
LESTRADE Erm... guys? It's kind of dark and I need to get out of here too... Do you think you could turn the lights on? ... Please? ... Guys? ... Anyone?
11. "Congratulations to Ian Monkford on his relocation to Columbia"
This time the phone rings even quicker. Someone really is impatient. And now FINALLY the police come and get poor sod # 2 and rescue him from his being covered in blippin' explosives. And John and Sherlock smile at each other (though Sherlock's smiles are still a little bit creepy)
The next day (once again, assuming here. Its daylight and they're in a cafe and all).
SHERLOCK Feeling better?
JOHN Oh yeah, now I've got some lunch. Lunch is nice... I'm having a bad feeling that bloody running gag is gonna come back to haunt me in a minute now...
SHERLOCK ...
JOHN So, is this Moriarty?
AUDIENCE YES! YES! YES! YES! COMPLETELY UTTERLY YES! YES!
SHERLOCK Perhaps...
AUDIENCE *simultaneous facedesk*
PHONE Boo
PHOTO *random woman*
SHERLOCK But that could be anybody
JOHN Could be. Luckily for you, I've been more than a little unemployed
Apart from that whole subplot where you got a job and a pointless love interest last episode. Or are we ignoring that?
JOHN Daytime TV!
SHERLOCK What are you, a student?
TV *conveniently showing clips of the exact same woman*
PHONE *ring ring*
POOR SOD #3 *is a blind old lady*
Which, once again, is a tad hard to make funny.
Luckily, there's a bloke with long hair and a pen sitting behind Sherlock who is sort of amusing because I want to know what the heck he's writing.
And there's 12 hours to solve this case
TOTALLY MORIARTY (via PoorSod#3) I like to watch you dance.
This is creepy.
SHERLOCK I agree with the mysterious review narrator *hangs up*
Anyway, turns out Daytime TV is called Connie Prince and she's dead.
12. Which means let's go to the morgue!
LESTRADE My trenchcoat and I also know about daytime TV.
SHERLOCK I don't
LESTRADE Connie Prince was going places
SHERLOCK Not any more
Oh Gatiss, I love your dark humour.
SHERLOCK Anyway, it was apparently tetanus due to cutting her hand on a rusty nail which means she can't have been getting her vaccinations. Also, that's far too simple and something else must have happened otherwise why would the bomber get involved?
LESTRADE I hate this bomber. A lot.
SHERLOCK I shall now examine the body via lots of close ups
EDITING *is awesome*
JOHN I useth my mad doctor skillz to deduce that the cut on her hand was made after she was dead
SHERLOCK Awesome. Now go round to her house and interview her brother
LESTRADE Can someone tell me what in the name of Merlin's Y-fronts is going on?
SHERLOCK Something new
...
LESTRADE DAMN YOU AND YOUR CRYPTICNESS!
8 hours to go. They're taking their sweet time with this case
SHERLOCK There has to be a connection!
DIRK GENTLEY So I tell everyone, but do they listen? Nooooo...
SHERLOCK Oi! Back to BBC4 with you! What the heck is this bomber doing, showing off?
LESTRADE Well, if he's anything like you I'd say that's a y-
PHONE *ringing*
BOMBER (via PoorSod#3) Enjoying yourself, are you? I'm shortening your time to three hours, biatch!
13. At Connie Prince's house, John finds himself interviewing her brother-
- Who couldn't be more camp and/or suspicious if he tried. There's also the houseboy, Raoul, who seems to be trying his best to be creepy.
JOHN I'm totally a journalist. Like, completely, utterly, totally a journalist. Not a detective's blogger/sidekick or anything... I don't like this house. It's full of creepiness. And what's with the furless cat?
JOHN SESSIONS IN A SILK SHIRT *continues being creepy and suspicious... and makes cryptic pretentious references*
JOHN ... help?
Meanwhile, Mrs Hudson has joined Sherlock and Lestrade in as honorary member of the trio of awesome whilst John is elsewhere. Sherlock is on the phone too... somebody, meaning Lestrade is stuck listening to Mrs Hudson
MRS HUDSON Its a real shame. I liked her. She showed you how to do your colours *ramblerambleramble*
LESTRADE ... help?
SHERLOCK *loud phone conversation in background*
LESTRADE o_O
SHERLOCK Meh. Home Secretary owes me a favour
MRS HUSDON Kids these days have too much surgery *ramblerambleramble*
SHERLOCK Fansites = gossip
FANGIRLS ... O_o
There are fansites for a random daytime TV makeover show? The internet is a weird place. And the students must really be bored.
Sherlock and co. watch a snippet of the show which serves to put the brother in an even more suspicious light.
Meanwhile:
JOHN I use my mad doctor skillz... and trivia
KENNY PRINCE (I think that's his name. I went and looked it up in the credits... also, I didn't know how to spell Raoul) *continues being epically creepy* I don't know what I'm going to do now
JOHN ... Oh. You know, I really suspect you now. And why does your cat smell like disinfectant?
Back at 221B, Sherlock gets another call
SHERLOCK John?
JOHN PLEASE COME AND HELP ME THIS PLACE IS CREEPY AND JOHN SESSIONS IN A PURPLE SHIRT IS FLIRTING WITH ME HEEEEEELLLLLP!
And one cut later...
SHERLOCK I'm totally a photographer. Not a detective or anything. SAY CHEESE!
KENNY PRINCE GAH!
SHERLOCK Lovely :)
CAT Meow!
SHERLOCK Oh, who's this?
KENNY PRINCE Sekmet. Like the Egyptian goddess
SHERLOCK *totally unconvincingly* Oh, how nice. Seriously, why get a cat with no fur? It's like you get a cat and take away everything that makes it lovely and adorable and make it seem even more snooty than cats already are
KENNY PRINCE What is wrong with you people?
JOHN Actually, we've got what we came for. Come on Sherlock
KENNY PRINCE O_o
Outside, Sherlock and John indulge in a bit of a giggle fit
JOHN I'm awesome! I solved it! Go me!
SHERLOCK It wasn't the cat
JOHN What? But it smells of disinfectant!
SHERLOCK Too random and too clever for the brother
JOHN So you're saying it wasn't him despite his having a motive and being generally suspicious and creepy?
SHERLOCK Nope. The brother doesn't factor into it (except for the part where he's totally the motive or something. I'm going to keep it annoyingly vague and confusing) It was the housekeeper Raoul. Hope we can get a cab from here...
JOHN ... GAAAAAAAH!
Well, that was random and sort of anticlimactic. Which brings us to the end of part two.
NEXT TIME
We wrap this all up. A missing painting. Who stole the Bruce Partington plans and, of course, that bloody final scene. Oh, that final scene. Because Moffat and Gatiss are both evil geniuses.
And we love them for it :)