Oh, for the time when I shall sleep
Without identity.
- Emily Bronte
When the stars line up,
and you catch a good break,
people think you're lucky,
but you know it's grace.
It can happen so fast,
or a little bit late.
Timing is Everything.
You know I've had close calls,
when it could have been me.
I was young when I learned just how fragile life could be,
I lost friends of mine,
I guess it wasn't my time.
Timing is everything.
Timing Is Everything - Garrett Hedlund
(Country Strong soundtrack)
Chapter 5:
Timing Is Everything
-Bella POV-
When I fade back into consciousness, I hear people yelling and loud noise that sounds like machines sawing something in half. My head is throbbing so bad it makes me want to vomit. I'm still holding Jake's hand, but he's not squeezing mine anymore.
"Jake, Jake wake up. They're gonna get us out..." I try shaking his arm, but I'm pinned. The car has been literally molded somehow around my body. My face is pinned toward my door, and all I want to do is look at my best friend, to confirm that he's sleeping, and really okay.
"Jake! Jake, please answer me! Please, Jake!"
My cries are unanswered, at least not by Jake.
This cannot be happening...not now...not ever! Please, God, please, whatever you do, let Jake be okay. If someone's gotta go, make it be me. He's got...everything going for him, he has his whole life ahead of him. He's probably going to go to school on a baseball scholarship...he's a straight A student. He's...everything... everything to his dad, and his sisters. Please, God...don't take my best friend away from me...
I am not really aware of what is currently happening to me, but I fade back out of consciousness again.
The next time I wake up, I'm lying on a stretcher, being rolled toward an ambulance. Charlie's hand is in mine now, and I can see tears streaming down his face.
Why is his hand in mine? Where is Jake! God damn it, why isn't anyone answering me?
I finally find my voice, my screams terrify me. They don't sound like me, they sound desperate, like a wild banshee...
"Jake! Jake where are you! Get him out! He can't breathe! Get him out of the car! He's sleeping in the car! Jake! Jake, I need you! Jake, you saved me! Please! Jake, just answer me!"
Charlie is sobbing and squeezing my hand, my surroundings are starting to fade again, and my voice is gone.
Just before everything fades to black, I whisper, "I'm sorry, Daddy, I know how bad you wanted to drive home."
Light...
Dark...
Light...
Dark...
Light...
My eyes flutter open; I'm being rolled again. This time I'm lying on a softer surface. The florescent lights are flashing vertically through my line of sight, and it is killing my eyes.
I still can't move much of my body, and I still don't see Jake. I notice a lot of nurses and doctors rushing along side of me, and I hear someone telling Charlie he'll need to stay out of the room. I just don't understand why. I can't make sense of anything that is happening around me.
I feel them cutting off my sweatshirt and jeans, and I'm cold. I must be sedated because I can barely move or concentrate. I feel so tired, I just want to sleep. I'm just so ready to give up. The numbness is settling in, I can practically feel myself letting go of everything around me. I am too tired to hold on.
Suddenly, something in the corner of the room catches my eye. It's Jake, and he's standing there watching me, smiling at me and talking to me. I don't have enough energy to speak, so I talk to him in my head, not understanding at the time that there's no way for him to hear me... and wondering when he changed his clothes. He's replaced his t-shirt with a long black coat and black pants. Very unlike Jake's usual casual style.
Jake...the accident...you're okay! I'm so glad you're okay. I don't know about me, I don't think I can get through this. I'm just so tired. Please tell everyone how much I love them...
Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep...Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Suddenly, he's right in front of me. As if he had floated right up to me, and he starts speaking to me, too. I'm wondering why the nurses haven't kicked him out yet. Surely he shouldn't be allowed in here with me if my own father isn't?
Bella, you're going to be just fine! You're a fighter. You're strong. Don't you dare give up! Not yet. You have so much to look forward to. You're the strongest person I know, along with my dad. Please tell him I love him. Bella, you've got to promise not to feel bad about this. This wasn't your fault...it wasn't our fault. You'll understand what I mean. Just please, keep living. Promise me you'll live, if not for you, then for me. Please, Bella? Promise me!
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...
I can barely nod at him, so I rasp out. "I promise, Jake. I love you."
I'm rewarded with his brilliant smile, and his hand lovingly strokes my head. "Thank you, Bells. I love you too. I'll see you soon then...but not too soon." He bends down and presses a gentile kiss to my temple.
"I'll see you soon then, Jake..." With that, I fade out again.
1:00 A.M. - Thursday
When I wake this time, it seems like I've been sleeping for days. For all I know, I have been. My mouth feels like sandpaper, and my entire body feels heavy. I wiggle my face at the tickling sensation of the oxygen tube they have pressed into my nostrils, and I groan softly.
"Why is everything so fucking bright all of the time?" I mumble incoherently.
I'm startled by a soft chuckle to my left side, and when I look over I see a devastatingly handsome blond doctor with ice blue eyes and a warm smile. He looks like he just stepped out of one of those 50's movies Charlie used to make me watch.
It is then when I start to wonder how much Morphine they're giving me.
The lights are dimmed slightly, and he speaks to me.
"Isabella, I'm Dr. Cullen. I'm the surgeon who operated on you, and I'll be your doctor through the duration of your time here at Forks General. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
I nod at him and wince slightly at the limited movement.
"Are you in pain, Isabella?" he asks me immediately.
"No. I just...can't move."
"Please do not try to. Your body needs time to recuperate. You suffered extensive damage during the accident."
It was then, for some unknown reason, my doped up mind decided to pick up with the conversation, and put two and two and two together, so to speak...
"Cullen? Are you related to pretty boy-er Edward?"
I see a wary smile grace his face as he nods his head yes with pride.
I roll my eyes slightly and give him a small smile. "Figures, you're pretty, too."
"Well, thank you." He laughs softly but sobers quickly.
"Bella, can you tell me what you remember? There's currently an investigation going on as to the cause of the crash. I need to have an investigator sit in, whenever you're ready, so they can get all of the details."
I tell him what I remember, about Jake protecting me, and seeing the log truck swerve all over the place before the actual collision. He nods and asks if it would be okay if someone stepped in quickly, so I can tell them while it's still fresh.
I agree, and that's the first time I see Charlie, since the scene of the accident.
He rushes up to my right side and hovers over me, sobbing and talking incoherently, "Bella, baby, I was so scared. I thought we lost you, too. Oh my God, Bella, thank God you're okay. I don't know what I'd do without you; I just got you back..."
I thought we lost you too? What is he talking about? Did the truck driver die?
"Dad...Dad, slow down. Where's Jake? I need to talk to him. Can you ask him to please come in here for a second?"
The look on Charlie's face is heartbreaking, I can't understand it. Why would he look pained to go get Jake? He fared much better than I did out of this whole thing, but I'm not mad.
I'm lucky I'm here at all, Jake saved me. If he hadn't thrown his arm in front of me, the airbag probably would've snapped my neck. I got lucky and I know that. Between Charlie being so con-flabbing tall—having his seat way back, and Jake's strength, I was somehow spared.
"Dad, what's the matter? Where's Jake? I just saw him, before they put me under. Can you please tell him to come see me? I want to talk to him before I talk to the investigator. Please?"
Charlie's face pales, and a cloud of confusion passes over his features. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my left arm, and I look up into the kind face of Dr. Cullen.
"Bella, I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but we lost Jacob." I hear Dr. Cullen, but I don't really hear him.
Lost him where? In the cafeteria? Flirting with nurses? What exactly does that mean?
"I-I don't understand. What are you saying?" I am completely dumbfounded.
I hear Charlie's voice, gruff from crying. "Bella, Jake didn't make it. We believe he died on impact..."
My entire world stops.
My breathing turns erratic, the machine behind me starts going crazy, and nothing makes any sense.
Jacob isn't dead. I talked to him, I saw him. He told me everything was going to be okay. He told me he'd see me...
He can't be gone...
My voice is a little harsher than I mean it to be. "No. I saw him. He...talked to me...said everything was going to be okay...he's alive...you have to find him, Dad. Please...tell them they've made a mistake. Somebody has made a serious mistake!"
My eyes are overflowing, and I know my oxygen tube must be filling up with snot, but I don't care. I can't stay here and listen to everyone feed me this bullshit.
"Where the hell is Jacob?" I roar.
I see Dr. Cullen pull out a syringe. I know I'm about to be sedated if I don't calm down. I'm rational enough to know I need to relax. If I don't, nobody will tell me anything.
"Wait! Wait, give me a second, please don't give me any more drugs. I need to process everything, please Dr. Cullen..." I know I look and sound pitiful, but I'm beyond caring.
Charlie wouldn't lie to me about Jacob, but yet, I know what I saw...
"Dad, Jake…he's really...gone?" I start sobbing, someone is wiping my face, and Charlie tries to soothe me the best he can.
But he doesn't know how, he doesn't understand that I can't be relieved from this pain. This guilt. All I can think about is the fact that I should have never went up there to show Jacob my car. All of my selfishness has ultimately cost Jacob his life.
I can never get him back.
Where's my rewind button?
Why can't this be like those corny Christmas movies where they get to go back in time and change the past 24 hours?
Why can't I trade places with Jacob?
Why can't I have my best friend back?
The guilt is consuming. The fog rolls in, clouding my thoughts. I know I haven't been sedated, but I might as well have been. My ears are ringing, and my body is wracked with such heavy sobs I feel like I'm having a seizure, or at least what I think a seizure would feel like.
My face is a wet mess, my eyes burn from the salty sweat and tear mixture. Everything feels inexplicably hot. Too warm, I feel as though I'm suffocating in this room.
"What happened?" I croak softly. I'm trying to catch my breath, but I'm crying so hard, it makes it difficult.
"First we need to hear what you remember, Bella. Then we'll tell you everything we know." Dr. Cullen waves someone in from the doorway.
She introduces herself as Maggie, says she's an investigator, but everything else sort of fades. I can't pay much attention to anything anyone is saying anymore.
I start by explaining why we took the car out. Charlie already knows all of this because he was there, he nods as I continue. I talk about Jake and me playfully jibing each other in the car. I tell them about me complimenting his driving, and I make sure they know that he was not at fault at all.
I tell them that he noticed the truck swerving, and when I looked up it was already crossing the center line, headed directly for us. Charlie's head drops to his hands as I explain Jake trying to throw his arm out in front of me, blocking me from the airbag as much as possible.
I choke up, but push through it. I literally feel my heart breaking into little pieces, and I feel like I'm dying inside.
I tell them about waking up for a minute, me telling Jacob we'll be okay. Holding his hand…the silence…the blood…not being able to move.
When I finish, the investigator thanks me and lets me know she'll be in touch.
I could care less.
I look up at Dr. Cullen and ask the one question that is plaguing me. "Did Jacob die for me? Because of me? If he were protecting himself and not me, would it have mattered?" My voice breaks half way through, my eyes fill again.
"No," Charlie answers.
"I didn't ask you, you have no qualms about lying to me. I'm asking Dr. Cullen," I grit out and refocus on the Doctor.
"Please...I just...need to know..." I'm so broken, bleak, empty, aching...
"Bella, from what I saw, it really wouldn't have mattered either way. If Jake hadn't thrown his arms out, you could both have died. There was no way to save him. The truck connected with the driver's side of the car, it's honestly a miracle you're even alive."
I shake my head at what he is telling me. The tears are leaking down onto my gown, and I'm sick of crying. My head is killing me from all of the pressure, and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
"Dad, where is Billy? I need to see him…apologize."
His head shakes back and forth. "There isn't any need to apologize, Bella. This isn't your fault, you couldn't have known. He's at the Clearwater's house right now. He'll be okay; he just needs to grieve. He's strong Bella, he'll be okay."
Is anyone ever okay after they lose their child? Billy has lost so much in his life; his wife, his ability to walk, and now Jacob. It only makes the guilt worse.
I lay my head back as my eyes close, tears leak out of the corners. The only noise in the room is my pathetic whimpering. "Please...let me sleep. I just want to be alone right now."
I don't bother asking about my injuries. None of it matters. Nothing else matters. Jacob's gone. Billy's alone...
Dad agrees to let me rest and walks to the door. I call out one last request before he leaves. "Dad, can you make sure you feed Rocky? Tell him…I'll be home soon."
He nods with a watery smile and gives me my space.
I fall asleep until the next morning. It's surprising because I know nurses have been in and out all night to evaluate me and check my vitals.
Thursday - sometime in the late morning
When I wake, Renee is there, and my room is already filled with balloons, flowers, and stuffed animals. None of it appeals to me; I'm thankful for it, but it's all undeserved. I did nothing to earn it; it should all be wherever Jacob is.
After all, he's the one who saved me.
I swallow back tears at the thought of his name and bite my lip harshly.
God, Jacob, why did you have to die?
Why did you leave me here like this, to face the world on my own?
To look everyone in the face and feel this guilt over losing you, over practically killing you.
Mom sees me trying to bat the tears away and envelops me in a hug, well, as much of one as she can, what with all of the tubes and machines hooked up to me.
The dam bursts then, all of my pent up emotions flood through me, and my body is again quaking with sobs.
"Mom! I killed him. It's all my fault, I killed Jake! It should have been me..." The desperation in my voice is painful to listen to, even for me.
She quiets me, attempting to rock me back and forth to comfort me. None of it is soothing. None of it is Jake. Nothing will bring him back. I've got to learn to accept it, but I can't.
I push my lips together as I listen to her console me. She wipes the tears from my eyes, kisses my face, and runs her fingers through my matted, tear-soaked hair.
After a while, my silence must start to bother her, because she picks up each gift in my room, reads the tags, and opens the cards. She reads each one out loud to me. It seems as though the entire town has sent something. A sympathy card, flower arrangement, a stuffed bear wishing me to get well soon.
After they've all been read, she offers to write thank you cards for me. I want to tell her this isn't some wedding or baby shower—people probably don't expect something back, but I know she needs to keep busy. I just nod my head at her and thank her quietly.
A few hours later she makes me eat. At first, I refuse; but I know I'll get sick if I don't, so I relent.
I'm told I'll be in the hospital for the weekend and all of next week. Nothing matters...
My left leg is fractured, and I sustained numerous internal injuries and broken ribs, which will take months to heal, but I feel nothing. Maybe when they fixed me they took something out, because I feel empty inside.
Monday
Billy is having Jacob's remains cremated. Normally they wouldn't do that within their tribe, but under the circumstances, and the fact that the body was so badly scarred and damaged, Billy has decided that would be the best decision.
Tuesday
They've decided to go ahead with the visitation/funeral process. I shouldn't be surprised. It's been six days now, but it still hurts to know I won't be there. It hurts to know I can't be there for Jacob.
Today is Wednesday, the day after Jake's funeral. I'm still in the hospital, but I'm told I'll be released on Friday. Charlie is putting our house up for sale...he says it isn't practical for us or Rocky. I know it's because our bathroom us upstairs, as well as my bedroom.
Renee is taking Charlie out house hunting today; Phil sits with me, and we play Uno and Phase Ten card games until they return. I slowly feel the numbness begin to ebb. I am by no means okay, but I can speak in full sentences, and finish a bagel without too much effort.
Dr. Cullen calls them "baby steps".
Whatever... I call it "life".
We're sitting around making fun of the show Wife-Swap when the investigator strolls into my hospital room. I'm momentarily caught off guard until she reintroduces herself and approaches my bedside.
"Bella, I'd like to talk to you first if that's okay?" I agree and my family waits out in the hall.
"Bella, we haven't released any of the details to anyone yet. But the investigation has been concluded, we won't need any more information from you, this visit is strictly an informational one. I'm here to explain exactly what caused the accident, and make you aware of your legal options. After I meet with you, I'll be in contact with Mr. Black."
At the mention of legal options, I tense up and prepare for the worst. My mouth starts before my brain can catch up. "No! You're suing us? Please, I'm accountable, not my parents, or Jake's dad. I'll take all of the blame. Please...just...don't do anything to them." My tone is frantic, and I'm pleading with her.
"No, Bella, you've misunderstood. You and Jacob are not at fault, the truck hit you. You were just doing whatever you could to brace for the impact. The driver and trucking company are liable for this. You see, the driver's blood work came back, he had been drinking."
She pauses for a second and continues.
"He's actually co-owner of the trucking company, King Trucking Corporation. His name is Royce King. He claims a lot of his crew hadn't shown up for work, and he had been feeling a lot of stress, covering for the workers. None of that matters now, but what does matter is that he decided to stop off at the bar around noon, and he had just left the bar before he hit you.
We have witnesses who can vouch for his reckless driving, and even a witness who saw the crash. He could be charged with vehicular homicide, reckless endangerment, assault with a deadly weapon, wrongful death, DUI…the list continues."
I sit, gaping at her. I'm completely shocked at what I am hearing. My best friend is dead because of some drunk.
"Bella as you may know, the King Trucking Corporation is a very lucrative corporation, they're expecting some type of lawsuit to be filed against them. Between you and me, I'm going to recommend your father and Mr. Black seek legal counsel, to receive financial compensation for this accident. I know money won't bring back your friend, or make your injuries disappear, but this accident has changed all of your lives forever. You're entitled to something."
I'm in a daze after she leaves. I could care less about the money; I'm pissed about the cause of the accident. It wasn't brake failure or faulty machinery. It was some drunken motherfucker who decided to joy ride in a log truck. He took my best friend away from me. The word unnecessary doesn't even begin to cover it.
Charlie and Renee set up an appointment with a lawyer for the next day. I, of course, will stay here. In bed.
Thursday
I've just drifted off for my afternoon nap when I hear a knock on my door. It's Billy Black. I'm immediately fighting off tears as he rolls up to the side of my bed and locks his brakes on his wheelchair.
He gives me a watery smile and grabs my hand; I squeeze his the best I can. I feel my chest getting tighter. I fight so hard not to break in front of him, but it feels inevitable.
"Billy..." I croak, "Oh God, Billy, I'm so sorry...I'm so, so sorr-"
"Stop. Don't, Bella, it's...not your fault…you know he…wouldn't want you to feel like that. I don't blame you. You couldn't have known."
My head is frantically whipping from side to side, it jostles my ribs, but that's nothing compared to the pain in my heart. "But, I shouldn't have taken him out...I should have stayed home with Charlie..."
He cuts me off again, "Bella, you knew Jake loved cars. You were excited to share something with him. No one can blame you for that." His voice breaks when he says his sons name; my heart cracks into a million pieces.
My eyes burn, and I'm hesitantly biting my top lip with my bottom teeth as I listen to him console me. It makes me feel weak, here is this father, who has just lost his son, and he's consoling me? I wipe my eyes and blow my nose and just...talk to Billy.
He asks me about what I can remember, and I feel that I owe it to him to be honest. I tell him about Jacob trying to protect me, and about me waking up when they were trying to cut us out of the car…and then, for the first time since I've been awake…I tell him about seeing Jake in the ER.
On one hand, I'm terrified he's going to think I've gone crazy and have me locked up. But in my heart, I know Billy, and I know he believes in more than just what we can see. I tell him everything Jake said to me; about telling Billy he loves him, and asking me not to feel guilty.
When Billy asks me if I am following Jakes advice, I again, do not lie to him. I tell him how I've been berating myself in my mind ever since I've woke up. How I feel so undeserving of even being here...how I wish it were me that was gone.
He immediately shushes me and tells me to not think that way. He says even though he wishes Jake were still here, that life works in mysterious ways, and it's not his nor my place to question fate.
We talk about the car accident that took his legs and his wife, and he tells me that the one lesson he learned from it—and it took him a long time to learn—was that all you can do is show gratitude to the people you lose. You have to go on living for them; otherwise, their deaths are for nothing.
I can see what he's saying; but to me, it still feels like Jake is gone, and it wasn't worth it...
It wasn't worth a joy ride...
It wasn't worth a couple of beers consumed by a pretentious idiot...
It just isn't fair, but life never is. Things never happen the way you think they will, you just have to swim with the tide and pray that, eventually, you'll be able to come up for air.
Before Billy leaves, he tells me that he's not going to be cleaning out Jake's room right away. He asks me if I will do it for him when I get better. He says that while he wants keep some of Jacob's stuff, he thinks Jake would want me to have some of it too.
I respond tearfully, telling him I'd be eternally grateful.
The next few weeks are hell.
When I'm first released and get home, everything seems to be okay. Rocky is very excited to see me, but he doesn't quite understand that I'm hurt, so Dad keeps him outside a lot. He's just too rowdy to play around me right now.
I'm not allowed to use crutches, because of my ribs, so I'm designated to a wheelchair for the time being.
It. Fucking. Blows.
I run into everything; the house is so cramped and small I can barely navigate it, and the tiny galley-style kitchen is like trying to fit a...well, it's just fucking cramped.
My hands have quarter-sized blisters and calluses; I'm getting man hands.
I want to go back to school, but I really don't want to deal with the ridicule and stares. So far, everyone's been really supportive; I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Alice and Rosalie have stopped by on and off, but I've had Charlie lie and say I'm asleep, or in the shower.
I can't bear to see anyone yet.
Charlie and Billy have filed lawsuits against King Trucking Corporation. It's in all of the newspapers, and has even been on the local news channels a few times. It makes me nauseous how they talk about it, and how they say Jake's name. Their voices are so cold, detached…such a sharp contrast to the boy whose name drifts from their lips.
Time keeps ticking by, Dad has found us a new house, and he's had a couple of offers on our place. Young couples looking for a fixer upper/starter home.
Mom is still staying with us, sleeping in my room while I rest on the couch at night. Phil had to go back to Florida. The world must go on. Mom and Dad help me get upstairs to use the restroom and clean up, but I'm not allowed to sleep in my bed yet, because I might move wrong and hurt something.
I don't really care; the couch is more comfortable anyway. The bed is a twin, and it's old, it was probably Charlie's—Dad's— when he was a kid.
It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I've been out of the hospital.
I've just made my way back downstairs with Mom, and I'm sitting at the kitchen table, in my wheelchair, sulking over a soggy breakfast of Lucky Charms and cold toast. She kisses my head as she walks behind me to grab a cup of coffee. Sitting down to my right, she smiles at me.
"When you guys get settled in to the new house, we'll need to get you a new bed."
I hide my grin the best I can and turn my attention to the window overlooking the front yard.
"Is that so?" My pitch rises slightly at the end of my question, and she knows I'm amused.
"Humph, yes. That thing is lumpy as hell, and I know the size doesn't matter much to you, but I can barely fit in it, and my feet hang over the edge. I feel like I'm sleeping in Santa's workshop. No offence." She smiles wickedly, and I slap her arm jokingly.
"Thanks, Mom! Shit, leave it to my own mother to crack short jokes at my expense. Y'know, dynamite comes in small packages. Remember that," I warn.
"Oh, baby, I know." She smiles lovingly at me and runs her fingers through my still damp hair.
"Gosh, your hair is getting so long again, Bells, and it's so thick. Are you thinking of cutting it again or letting it grow?"
I shrug non-committedly. I haven't made up my mind yet; I like it shorter with layers because it's more manageable, but I feel like I look like my dad with short hair.
No girl wants that.
"Want me to French-braid it?" I nod, relieved that she has offered.
I love it when she plays with my hair, because it relaxes me.
A few hours later, I'm sitting at the kitchen table, checking my email for the first time in over three weeks. I have over fifty unread messages, and I have no idea how half of these people even got my email address.
My blood goes cold when I see that I have an email from Jacob the day of the accident. I click on it, and my eyes immediately fill up with tears. It's a forward of a couple of videos he found on YouTube that he wanted me to see. The first one is a music video of OK GO's song Here We Go Now; it's basically a bunch of guys doing a really neat dance routine on treadmills. The next two are Evolution of Dance videos. I watch them all with a watery smile and read his message at the bottom.
Bells,
Our next prank has got to involve some of these dances…and a treadmill. We'll give Billy and Charlie some gray hair yet!
I had a fun time with you at the beach today, and I'm glad you're back now. I know at first you weren't happy about it, but now you'll get to see my cool ass all the time, and you'll end up forgetting all about Phoenix. :)
Well, I should get going. I'm going to go give the Rabbit a tune up before supper.
See you soon then,
Jake :D
After my sobs start to ebb, and I feel like I can move, my trembling hand files his message away to my "Jake folder", and I try to sort through junk mail and spam ads.
My concentration is shot, but I really can't do much about it. My thoughts keep drifting back to Jake. I still think I see him, when I look out of a window, or I'm watching some silly comedy. Maybe it's his way of telling me that he's watching over me, maybe it's my subconscious punishing me.
Whatever it is…it hurts and soothes the ache in my chest, all at once.
Less than a week later, I'm back in school. Pushing my way through the halls, with crimson stained cheeks and eyes trained on the floor. Alice and Rose try to chat me up at my locker, but I don't really have the time, and they are too quiet, showing me their discomfort. It frustrates me, but I understand it.
I just hate it when people are walking on eggshells for me.
When third period rolls around, and my books slide off my lap and onto the floor for the fifth time today, I lose it. "Fuck!"
I'm at the doorway to the classroom, my head is in my hands, and I'm trying to get it together. I know I can't try to bend over and pick them up again, my ribs are still killing me from doing it earlier, and my pain meds have worn off. My body is literally burning with pain.
Suddenly I hear a shuffling, and then I'm being wheeled to a table in the back of the room.
By now my face is flushed with embarrassment, even my ears are red. I mumble a soft thank you.
When I look up, Edward is stepping out from behind me, and sets my books softly down on the tabletop in front of me. I give him a grateful but tight-lipped smile and stare down at my fisted hands that are now resting on my books.
The school has brought in tables, to each of my classrooms that would otherwise be inaccessible for me. It's a nice gesture, but it's lonely. All day I've sat by myself, behind everyone, apart from the group.
Which is why I'm startled when I hear Edward drag a chair over and sit down next to me.
"What are you doing?" I whisper to him.
He shrugs and finally looks me in the eye. "Sitting with you. You're a part of the class, too. You shouldn't have to sit by yourself." His gaze drops down to his book quickly.
I'm stunned. Edward has always seemed like a…well, a brat before, selfish and conceited. Now he's acting like a human being, maybe this is the real Edward. After all, I had only known him for a few days before the accident. But if this is how he really is, I could see us becoming good friends.
I swallow audibly; it feels like I'm swallowing my pride. Biting my bottom lip, I reach over and pat his arm softly.
When he looks up, I nod at him and whisper, "Thank you."
He nods, and something passes over his eyes, something a little darker, almost a pained look. I can't take his pity, I don't want anyone's pity. I force myself to look away from his gaze, and I focus on the lecture.
Art rolls around, and I finally break the ice with Alice. I apologize for ignoring her and explain why I've been such a shitty person lately. She, of course, is totally understanding, which placates me, but still makes me feel guilty. She asks me how I'm feeling, and I answer with a shrug and tell her I'm okay.
We talk about the Edward situation, which seems like it happened such a long time ago. I'd almost forgot about the silly little game. I tell her I'm over it, and that life is too short to fuck around, messing with each other's heads. She completely agrees and says it was fun while it lasted. I agree.
We move on to other topics, and eventually, I address the elephant in the room. After talking about the accident with her for a little while, and mentioning Jake's email, but leaving out the whole - seeing him in the ER - thing…she drops a bomb on me.
Turns out, Edward is the witness who saw the entire crash. He had just passed the logging truck because it was driving recklessly, and he wanted to get as far away from it as he could. He kept his eyes on the rearview mirror, because he was worried the truck was going to cause a wreck.
When he saw it collide with my car, he dialed 911 immediately. She goes on to tell me that he instantly whipped his car around, and, as soon as he realized I was in the car, he dialed 911 again, frantically in search of Charlie. Edward waited with me, trying to wake me up until the ambulance got there.
As soon as the ambulance arrived, he spoke with the dispatcher again and was informed of Charlie's whereabouts. After he was sure we were being taken care of, he went to Billy's to pick Charlie and Billy up. All of the responding officers on the scene were too busy securing it to go notify him immediately. Edward knew Charlie should be there.
I can't stop the tears that are running down my face as she tells me all of this.
Edward probably saved my life.
"Bella, you can't tell him I told you this though! He doesn't know that I know everything. My Mom told me. You promise you won't tell, right?" Her eyes are slightly panicked, and so sincere.
"I won't bring it up, for now, but eventually I'll have to talk to him about it…but I won't tell him you told me."
She's pacified.
Ten minutes later, we're on our way to lunch.
How am I going to look at him? Knowing he saw me at my worst…and yet so grateful that he was responsible enough to act when staring a tragedy in the face. I don't know if I should ignore him, talk to him, or hug him.
I decide against the hugging, and the ignoring, and really the talking, too. I just sort of sit there for a while. Politely joining into conversation when being spoken to, other than that, I keep quiet.
Finally, I hear Emmett's gentile voice, "So Bella, what are all of your...injuries?" He winces as he says it, not wanting to be the one to bring it up, but probably too afraid to even be near me until he knows what he can and cannot do to avoid causing me pain.
No patting Bella on the back for you big buddy.
"Well, I have a few broken ribs, and my left knee is fractured. Some bruising internally, scratches and lacerations from the broken glass…other than that I'm a-okay. It could have been a lot worse, I guess." I give him a tight smile, missing Jake, and trying as hard as I can to not shoot a meaningful glance at Edward. He saved me, but it was too late for Jake...
Died on impact...
Sometimes I think it's harder being the survivor…
I snap out of it my dark thoughts. "But I do need to figure out how and where I'm going to do physical therapy soon." I sigh, defeated.
Emmett perks up at this, and it makes me scowl. "Bella! That's great! You can come to our house for your physical therapy!"
My face must show my confusion because he laughs at me and continues on, "We've got an indoor pool and hot tub, weight equipment, everything you'd need to recover fully. I'd even help you. I want to go into sports medicine in the future anyway. It'd be good practice for me."
I look up at him apprehensively. "Emmett, do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, not that I don't think you're not capable, because I'm sure you are..." I backtrack when I see his face fall. "It's just…with my dwarfism, and the severity of the breaks…aren't they going to make me see a certified physical therapist?"
He pauses for a second, then quirks his eyebrow at me. "Wait, you're a…what? You're not just really short? Like a midget?" Apparently I have never come out and admitted my "disability" to Emmett before.
I roll my eyes. "Emmett...I'm a dwarf."
His eyes go wide, and he beams the biggest, most childish smile I've ever seen.
"Can you make sure Santa gets my Christmas list?"
Fuck, what is it with all of these short people/elf/midget jokes lately? First Jessica, then Mom, now Emmett.
He heard about what I did to Jessica, pretty sure he should watch himself.
"Good one, but that's an elf. Oh, and Em?" I say sickly sweet.
"Yeah, Bells?" he asks curiously.
"Fuck you," I deadpan.
He guffaws loudly and slams his hand on the table good naturedly. "Shit, Bells, you're right. In that case, say 'Hi' to Snow White for me. Which one of the dwarves are you anyway? I'm placing my bets on Grumpy or Dopey."
I glare daggers at him, and he quickly cleans up his act.
"Uh, well, all joking aside, if you're comfortable with it, Bella, I'll ask my dad if he thinks it's a good idea. That way you won't have to travel to Port Angeles just to be seen, and it'll be semi private sessions."
Alice decides it's her turn to chime in, "Ooh! Ooh! I'll help! Please?"
I sigh, again. "I really appreciate it, Alice."
Rose crows, "You know I'm in."
Jasper nods with her.
Edward just shrugs.
Great...this will be very, very humiliating.
Links:
(Fix the (dots) with .'s and remove the spaces)
Song Inspiration: Timing Is Everything - Garrett Hedlund http : / www (dot) youtube (dot) com/ watch?v=xvN5IkJSktw
(Jakes Email)
OK Go's Here We Go video: http : / www (dot) youtube (dot) com/ watch?v=dTAAsCNK7RA
Evolution of Dance: http : / www (dot) youtube (dot) com/ watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
Fic Recs:
Comp Sem 101 by: bornonhalloween
http : / www dot fanfiction (dot) net /s/7038055/1/ Comp_Sem_101
What happens when a scholarship athlete and an English major from opposite coasts meet in a freshman writing seminar? Will they be drawn together or forced apart by their weekly discoveries of themselves and each other? All human college coeds!
I love this story! Combine English Major Bella who struggles with being overweight and has mommy issues with a dyslexic golfWard and you get gold! Seriously, I am digging this story hard right now! It's 16 chapters in but they're uber long!
Insatiable Desires by: ItzMegan73
http : / megatales (dot) com /?p=494
Rated NC-17 – What happens when the paths of two teenage hyper-sexuals cross?
The summary really doesn't do it justice. This story is Hot! With a capital H. I wasn't sure I'd get into it at first - but when you get a couple of chapters in, the chemistry and sexual tension between ExB is explosive! It's pretty awesome! lol
Authors Note: I'd like to thank PTB for being my beta, and Stef (MzBionic) for keeping me sane.
To my readers,
I am so so so so so very sorry for keeping you waiting for this chapter. This excuse is going to sound dreadfully lame, and I am SO sorry again, but I honestly, had a very realistic dream that I had already updated… and then realized yesterday when I checked my stories that I hadn't! I've been sitting on this chapter for a week! I am so scatterbrained. I'm sorry, lovies, I feel absolutely rotten.
Forgive me?
xxoo
Missy
P.S. My O/S 'Summertime Blues' won the "School's out for Summer" contest hosted by the Twi Girls Next Door! I had an awesome time writing it! If you're looking for a little ExB banter with some lemony zest, check it out on my Author page!
My author interview is posted here: http : / www (dot) twigirlsnextdoor (dot) com/2011/08/twigirls-news-810 (dot) html?zx = dbbad3a62382efad
Also, Little Miss got recced on the Twi Girls Next Door page! It's a little ways below my Author Interview under Tuesday's Tidbits. vbfb1 wrote the rec for LM and also made me a beautiful banner for Little Miss! So now I have two beautiful banners for this story! And she even found a perfect 'little person' to use for it as Bella. I feel so blessed!
vbfb1 - if you're reading this - thank you! You'll never know how much it means to me that you're enjoying this story and took the time to make a banner for me! It was the background picture on my computer for weeks! (Until my baby niece, Aubrie, was born ;) lol )
Thank you readers, I love you! You're the butterscotch in my pudding!