Natsuki

By the time Mikoto and I reach the apartment complex, the sun has almost completely set. We haven't spoken a word to each other since we got out of the hospital, but I guess that's to be expected since we both have a lot to think about. I'm a little curious about what she and that guy talked about after I left, but I suppose that conversation will have to wait until later. I get the feeling Mikoto doesn't want to talk and I have my own things to sort out.

As we enter the complex, I realize already a day has passed since I first entered here. It feels like so much has happened between these last 24 hours, Shizuru. Has it really only been a day since we reunited? Just thinking about it is a little overwhelming, but at the same time it's not in a bad way. Compared to the chaos of the Carnival, it's nice to just talk to everyone without the pressure of knowing your life's on the line. It also makes me feel less alone when I realize that I'm not the only one that is dealing with all these confusing thoughts and feelings, that we're all more-or-less in the same boat.

I drop Mikoto off at Mai's place. Mai welcomes us as the door with a smile but I can tell her cheerfulness is faked. She seems distracted; when I ask her what happened after I left, she hastily brushes it aside. Nevertheless, she hands me Mikoto's huge lunchbox and says that she had prepared dinner for me and you. I sheepishly smile at her and thank her for being so thoughtful.

"It's nothing really," she says as she rubs the back of her head embarrassedly. "It's the least I can do since you took Mikoto to the hospital. She wasn't any trouble, was she?"

"Not at all—she's a good kid," I reply. Mikoto had wordlessly walked into the apartment and was now plating the rest of Mai's prepared dinner.

Mai casts a look in Mikoto's direction before laughing appreciatively. "It's great seeing you again Natsuki."

"You too."

"Thanks again for the food. We'll come back tomorrow morning and return the lunchbox."

"Oh, that's not a problem," Mai replies before she hesitates. "Natsuki?"

"What is it?"

"About Shizuru-san, um, I don't know if I need to tell you this but…" she pauses, her confidence waning. She then looks uneasy before she shakes her head and says with a forced smile, "Never mind. Take care."

I blink and I wonder how the conversation between you and her went to make her usually open self so guarded. In the end, I just shrug and give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.

"See you later," I reply as I turn around and start walking away. It's not until I'm in the elevator and the doors close that I shake my head and sigh.

In its own way, Mai's weird reaction reinforces my nervousness about meeting with you again, Shizuru. During my conversation with that guy, I had instinctively protected you but, now that I think about it, I don't know if I can deny what he said. Not only does he know you better than I do, but the things that he said only confirm what I've seen from you. It's one of the things that troubles me the most about meeting with you and whether or not I should keep doing so.

In the back of my head, I've always known you've had an edge to you, something that made you different from other people—more dangerous. It's reared up sometimes in our conversations, especially when your concern of my safety came up. Your simple assurance and confidence in your abilities hinted that you had the ability to carry out your threats and promises. It was something that had, at first, drawn me to you. It was something I hoped to attain and, in its own strange way, made me feel more comfortable around you knowing that you were like me. But now that I've seen the extent of your power and how dangerous you actually are—I'm honestly terrified of it, especially because I've both indirectly and directly been its recipient. I've seen you indiscriminately carry out those threats and promises and the cold efficiency of the way you executed them. I find myself instinctively repulsed by that side of you.

And yet, here I am still am, mulling over everything that's happened. Though I am repulsed, I still can't let go of my relationship with you. So l still don't know what to do about these thoughts and impressions. They keep circling around in me, around and around, until I'm dizzy with all the would-be implications and nuances of my choices.

The elevator reaches your floor and I get out and walk slowly to your room. When I get to your door, I start to knock on it before I stop in mid-motion. I realize I'm nervous about seeing you again. Yesterday I had found you collapsed on the living room table, having worked yourself to the point of exhaustion because you didn't want to think about the Carnival. When I had pressed you, urging you for a reason for your actions, you had briefly regressed back into how you were during the Carnival only to shatter into a state of hopeless desperation. Going from what I saw of Mai, I bet she cornered you and caused you to snap like you did before. And that worries me, Shizuru, because it shows how volatile you are now. If you can't keep your cool in front of Mai—how are you going to react to people who know you better than her?

And yet, despite all of this uncertainty in me, I still bring myself once more to face you, not knowing what to expect. The only thing that's different between today and the day before is that I'm both prepared and aware of what I'm putting myself in. I know this is probably the last chance I have to distance myself from you. I still have time to run away, to lessen the intensity of our…our friendship and return it to something normal. What's worse is that you probably would readily accept it if I asked. You likely want nothing better than to hide away until you've rebuilt that mask of yours. It's true, isn't it, Shizuru? I know because that's how I used to be before you shattered mine and Mai whittled away the remaining pieces.

I sit down next to the door and start thinking. In the end, I know that even though part of me wants to, I won't run away. I had decided—I had promised myself, Shizuru, the moment I decided to kill us both, that I would accept your feelings for me. I would take responsibility for what lies between us, not just out of the respect I have for you, but for me as well. After all, I made my decision to put your life in my hands. So I won't run away anymore from my own emotions, I won't deny them anymore. I will do my best to face them head-on. And if that also means accepting and learning everything about you, my most precious person, than I will do so. Shizuru, I've made up my mind: I won't let you hide yourself away from me again.

I get up and knock on the door. There is a brief pause before I finally hear your muffled voice say, "Come in."

My fingertips run down the door before they reach the handle. Taking a deep breath, I firmly grasp the metal knob and turn it. I know I can't face you without some kind of stable conviction or else or conversation this time will end up being as chaotic as it was yesterday. This time around, I'm not going to try to force anything: I'm going to let you go at your own pace and support you regardless.

Your apartment is dark and the only light comes from the windows. Night has yet to fall, but the sky has darkened considerably since I've entered the apartment complex. It reminds me of the day before only now the room is immaculately clean. Not a trace of that trashed room from yesterday exists. It also looks like you've moved a few things around: the nightstand next to your bed is now on the other side and the clock above the couch has been taken down.

I find you sitting with your feet drawn up on the couch. You're holding a cup of tea and, even as I walk past you, you say nothing. You don't even look up to acknowledge me.

The expression on your face is of a meditative, practiced calm. Your eyelids are partially closed and, if it wasn't for your thumb slowly running across the edge of the cup, I would have thought you were asleep.

I sit down next to you, setting Mikoto's lunchbox on the table. Binders and paper still cover most of the surface space, but now they've been immaculately organized and stacked. There isn't a stray page anywhere.

"There is tea on the counter if you want," you say without looking at me.

"Alright," I grunt before getting up to walk to the counter. Near my feet, I see an empty paper bag. In front of me I see an elegant looking teapot and a teacup. They're the same shade of light purple and had the same flora design as cup you're holding in your hand.

"They were gifts from the Rijichou-san," you add, answering my unvoiced question.

I pour myself a cup of tea and bring it back with me to the couch. The glaze of the cup gives it a rough polish and I can feel its imperfect curves in the palms of my hands as the heat spreads to the tips of my fingers.

"Mai made us dinner," I say quietly.

"How thoughtful of her."

The room remains silent for a while longer.

"Natsuki?"

"What is it?"

"How was your trip?"

"It went well," I say noncommittally as I set my cup down on the table next to us. "Better than expected."

"I see."

"How did your meeting go?"

You pause and say nothing. You bring your teacup to your lips and take a sip. Even after that, you still remain silent. And when I look at you, I see that your hair has fallen over your face. I can see the individual strands of golden-brown highlighted across your cheek. They act as a curtain, hiding your expression away from me.

"Natsuki?" I hear you say hesitantly. I hear a clink as you set your teacup down on the table.

"Yeah?"

"Do you hate me?"

When I turn my head towards you, I see that you hands are on the cushion between us and you're leaning towards me. The look in your eyes is so raw and open that it throws me off guard.

Come to think of it, you had asked me this question before, near the beginning of our fight, when I had said how our Childs were the result of our feelings. The way you had said these words back then had been so impassioned: it completely contrasted how cold you were only moments before in the Student Council room. You look at me now with the same kind of bleak anguish as you did back then as you continue to tremble in place. And I feel horrible, horrible, Shizuru, at your almost accusatory question. How could you say something like that? Why would you even think that? When have I ever given you the indication that I hated you? My feelings for you, I—

"I don't hate you; I never hated you," I say softly before looking down. The space between our hands seems so far away, a gap that can't be breeched. Mine clenches into a fist.

Back then, I willed Duran to grow; I willed myself the strength to match your frenzied emotion blow for blow, strike for strike. And if that's what it takes to save you, I'll do it all over again, Shizuru.

"But everything I have done, Natsuki," you say, your voice rising before it cracks, "all the terrible things I have done to you."

"During the Carnival, I felt hurt, confused, and betrayed by you, but I never hated you," I say honestly as my gaze remains focused on the seat cushion. "I could never hate you, Shizuru."

The words that I say sound so foreign in my mouth; the syllables taste strange on my palate. But at the same time, I know that they're true: they are spoken from the depths of my heart that I have only just started to pry open.

I may not understand you, Shizuru, but I at least understand your intentions. I also remember our past and all the times you were there for me despite my near constant rebukes. And it's to that shared past of ours, Shizuru, that I believe in more than anything else. It's to that past that I owe it to you, at the very least, to save you from your current despair.

My gaze rises as you reach slowly towards me until your left hand is near my cheek. Your hand curls as you stop in mid-motion. You're probably remembering the last time you had reach out towards me and I had recoiled from your touch. I can feel my eyelids flickering out of fearful instinct. But I push those fleeting thoughts aside as I remember my promise, my unspoken resolution. I take that hand of yours with both of my own and bring it to my cheek. I lean into it and feel the warmth radiating from your palm. When I look up at you, I give you a reassuring smile.

You reflexively return my smile and I feel your thumb rub against my cheek. However both quickly fall away.

"I hated you, Natsuki. I hated how you made me feel, the inappropriate love I had for you. I hated you so much for it. But," you continue as you turn away from me, "not as much I hated myself."

"Shizuru…"

"I allowed myself to be swept away by my own obsession and betrayed every single thing I believed in just so I could indulge in my darkest impulses. What's more, I betrayed you, Natsuki, in order to do so. I lost of sight of what I wanted to protect just so I could…I could…"

"Do you want me to hate you, Shizuru?" I ask roughly. I can't help feeling that bitter sting when I hear you say that you hated me. I know you probably didn't mean it but I don't think anyone would like hearing something like that, especially from their most precious person.

"Of course not. I…I…" you tremble. Your brow is furrowed and you're shaking even harder. Once again, your actions are so erratic, like they were during our fight. I have to wonder what is going on in that head of yours, Shizuru. You say one thing, act in another way, and then continue on in a completely different train of thought. What am I suppose to do? How am I supposed to answer and reassure you when I don't know what or where I should direct my energy?

I know I was going to let you go at your own pace, work it out for yourself, but still I have to ask:

"What do you want from me, Shizuru?"

You look helplessly up at me and the expression on your face makes my heart crumble. Unable to bear my gaze, you scoot back and turn away from me.

"I don't know," you say tearfully.

I sigh and cover my eyes with my hand. I just feel so tired and lost. After living most of my life in simple absolutes, all this uncertainty is so frustrating.

The atmosphere between us is so fragile and tense it feels like it would only take a careless breath to shatter it. We're tip-toeing on razor sharp wire and we fear falling more than the pain of the wire cutting into our flesh. So we just keep standing in place as our wounds grow deeper and deeper. And even though you removed the clock, time still continues to tick by and it haunts us with how much has passed between us. It's time we will never be able to get back or go back to. Our halcyon days are no more and we're now trapped in this tornado, circling around and around in this continuous unease.

This is so frustrating, Shizuru. I feel like an idiot, fighting back my tears even as my eyes begin to water. I don't even know why I'm crying. As I choke back a sob, I feel your head press against my back and your arms wrap possessively around my waist.

"Forgive me, Natsuki," you say, your voice muffled by my back. "Please let me be selfish just this once."

I just sit there not knowing what to do as I furiously wipe the stray tears from my eye. I can feel my stomach muscles clench tightly like I'm holding my breath. I'm all nerves, jumbled up and crinkled, until I finally let go of the air entrapped in my lungs.

I turn slowly towards you and give you a half-hearted smile. I sit back in the couch and I press your head into my shoulder so you're resting in the crook of my neck. My actions were impulsive, out of instinct, but the gesture seems to calm you. And as we sit there, your pulse stabilizes and your breath becomes more rhythmic over time. Oddly enough, your presence seems to calm me down as well as I feel the knot in my chest unravel and my urge to cry fade slowly away. And, when your fingers intertwine with mine, I can't help but to squeeze back.

Sometimes, you can convey more emotion through actions than you can with words. I think we just reached that moment, Shizuru, where we couldn't express ourselves through them anymore. So we just continue to sit there in silence, taking simple comfort in our shared space and conveying the things we otherwise can't communicate through our touch.

I close my eyes and sigh again, focusing and embracing the sensation of you leaning into me and your hand in mine. I can feel your hair brush against my neck and the gentle fragrance of your lavender perfume lulls me further into a peaceful tranquility, freeing me from all my conflicting thoughts.

I can feel through our connected hands the way your tension escapes. Your grip relaxes into mine as our breath and pulses sync and I feel, for the first time since we have died, at peace. I had died feeling this kind of fulfillment and now that I am alive again, I have regained it. It's the kind of simple content that comes after nostalgia—from being able to recreate and satisfy a yearning of something I once had.

It's an incredibly intimate feeling and familial too, being so close to you like this. It reminds me of my childhood, back when my parents were still together. Like sleeping on my father's belly or my mother's lap…it's something like that, Shizuru. I can feel the way your breath causes your frame to rise and fall and all the tiny twinges of your body. I can feel every twitch of your hand in mine as I quietly marvel at the softness of your skin. It's somehow really comforting, being so close to another person like this. I never thought just being next to a person could be so soothing.

When I open my eyes, I see that you are resting peacefully. The sight of you doing so causes a surge of fondness to rise up in me, uplifting me to something I've never felt before. It's not affection exactly…it's something stronger than that. I'm not sure how to describe it…but all at once I feel this kind of happy affection as well as this urge to bring you closer to me. With my free hand, I carefully wipe the tears from your eyes with my thumb.

When I look at you like this, it's sort of like seeing you for the first time, Shizuru. I've never really noticed how smooth your skin is, the way your hair frames the curves of your face, or the light pink color of your lips. You seem so soft and feminine. Beautiful, really.

Your eyelashes flutter and suddenly I'm staring into your burgundy-colored eyes. You're so close that I can see my reflection in them. You smile demurely at me and I smile back, suddenly feeling incredibly girly and self-conscious.

"You feel better?" I ask as heat rises to my cheeks.

"A little bit," you answer before you bury your face into my neck.

"That kind of tickles."

"Sorry."

"It's nothing to say sorry for, idiot," I say affectionately, awkwardly patting you on the head. The gesture causes you to giggle and I can feel vibrations from it reverberate through me.

We stay quiet for a while longer before I sense you becoming anxious. You become tenser as you continue to contemplate. I can feel it in your pulse and the way your breathing changes. It's a rather interesting, Shizuru, learning the way you feel, and from our recent conversations, I can even start to figure out what you are going to say, the regret and self-doubt you would articulate. But before you can move away or open your mouth, I interrupt.

"Shizuru?"

"Yes?"

"Don't push yourself so hard." When you don't say anything and only grip my hand tighter, I continue, "You don't have to do this alone, you know? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

I can feel you sharply inhale. Steeling myself, I continue, "I know you're feeling completely lost—I was like that too. I didn't care about anything, didn't know what to do…I was more than ready to let Nao kill me, back then. But you showed up and saved me. After I lost everything, you were there. You gave me something to live for, something to fight for…even if it was for and against yourself."

I lean back into the couch. You have moved away from me but haven't let go of my hand. From a side glance, I can't tell what you're thinking. I rub my face with my free hand and say finally, "So, Shizuru, you don't have to hide from me. I'm not going to force you say or do anything, but I'm here if you need me."

Without looking at me, you rest your head on my shoulder again. I can feel you trembling so I try my best to make you feel comfortable. After a while, you quietly say, "Thank you."

"It's the least I can do for you," I reply before I chuckle, "especially after you put up with me for so long. It took me four years to finally figure out what you meant about relying on others and opening up…I suppose I ought to give you at least the same amount of time to let it sink in."

My words cause you to giggle again. "Natsuki has matured."

"Guess so."

You close your eyes again as you rest against my side. You've always been, often to my own discomfort, an overly affectionate person. I've always sort of let you do what you wanted without too much protest and, well, it's not like I dislike it or anything. You're the only one I really feel comfortable doing something like this anyway and…

"Natsuki?" you say seriously, finally fully pulling away from me.

"Y-yeah?" I stutter, wondering if you felt my discomfort.

"There's so much I want to say and apologize for and I don't know how to say it."

"Take your time, Shizuru."

"I will. Just not now." When you look at my confused expression you look down to your lap. "I don't know where to start and, what more, I don't know if it's the best time to."

"What do you mean?"

"Tomorrow is when we are to reunite with the other HiME," you say honestly. "The meeting is going to be difficult. If I break down now, I don't know how strong can be for it."

At the thought of gathering, I groan. After everything that's happened, it's the last thing on my mind. It takes a while for your words to register in me—I zero in on your weird logic.

"Wait, is that why you said that stuff to me before I went to visit that guy? To make sure I was prepared?"

"Yes," you admit, looking almost embarrassed, "and did it not work?"

I look at you strangely before I think back. Had I not been furious as I left the apartment, Mikoto would never have said anything about Kanzaki and you. But you couldn't have anticipated that, could you? Going beyond that—if I had met that guy without your prodding, I wouldn't have known what to say or how to react and given that he had been deliberately trying to make me angry, and was giving me half truths that I wouldn't have known weren't complete unless Mikoto had told me about them before…

"Um, I see what you mean," I clumsily lie. Your logic and the way your mind works is still so beyond me, Shizuru.

"Reito-san is thankfully predictable. However he will not be the only one there tomorrow. So will Yuuki-san, Kikukawa-san, Suzushiro-san, and the others," you continue, obviously not pleased at the prospects.

Just hearing their names cause my head to ache. Urgh, just when I thought I'm starting to think all of this through, I'm reminded that there is a whole slew of other difficult factors we have yet to deal with.

"What more, I am planning on meeting with Suzushiro-san and Kikukawa-san after the meeting."

"What? Shizuru!" I exclaim as I try to fumble for something to say. Damn it, why is it when I feel like I'm just getting to understand you, you keep springing all these things I'm completely unprepared for?

"I'm not looking forward to either," you reply sullenly as you reach for your teacup. "However, they need to be informed about the plans for reconstruction as soon as possible."

"Fuck the reconstruction!" I say hotly, almost shouting. "It's not worth it if you're still like this! You can't even talk to me and you're going to…to…" I trail off, not knowing how to continue. I wonder why I'm acting like this. After all, I can't even think about the whole situation with them and in the garden without getting incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. At the time of the entire thing, the thoughts I had back then, how I was—how you were…

"Natsuki," you say soothingly, putting your hand on my cheek again. "You don't know how happy I am that you would act this way for me. But this is something I must do."

"Shizuru," I say helplessly, laying my hand over yours before bring them both down between us. I hate the idea of you confronting the two of them alone, especially that noisy brute. But when I look at you and see the determination in your eyes, I know I won't be able to sway you. "Fine," I concede before I look up, determined. "But promise me that you'll bring me along."

You smile fondly at me before you nod, "I promise."

"Good."

Our conversation ends soon after as there really isn't much to say after that. We agree to clear off the table and eat Mai's bento for dinner and the rest of the night progresses smoothly. We make our plans for tomorrow and, once more, I help you clean up the room and wash the dishes. By the time I hit the couch again, we've both showered and you've gone to bed.

I sit here for a while longer as I go through everything that has happened today one-by-one and piece-by-piece. It seems so much has happened today, Shizuru, but at the same time, so little has. One thing's for sure: there is still so much we still have to do. But I'm more confident than before that we'll get through this, together. Even if I have to drag you through all the way, we'll get through this, Shizuru.

I won't let you get rid of me.