Wrecked

by:

A.K. Hunter

Part Seven

Alexis had lost control of her mind.

Physically, she was in her literature class, listening to her professor's lecture on Wuthering Heights. Mentally, she was in the same place she'd been for almost three weeks: Kevin's apartment on New Year's Day.

Every moment since she'd walked away from him, her heart aching, she hadn't been able to turn off her traitorous brain. Memories mixed, playing on repeat: Kevin's mouth moving across her skin, forming her name, his passionate demand to know what she wanted, his plea for her to stay with him.

And in that mental amalgamation of the worst day of her life, one string of words stood out from the rest: I have better things to do than play juvenile mind games with some spineless nineteen-year-old. That was how he saw her now. She couldn't turn it off.

Every time she thought of that day, bitter mixed with sweet, pleasure transformed into pain, and everything she thought she knew, every bit of certainty, every ounce of trust in herself, had shattered.

Guilt and shame had become her closest friends; she carried their weight across her chest. Each heavy step was a reminder of her greatest mistake.

How could she have ever thought it was okay to be with Kevin? To even think about him in a romantic way? She had known, every step of the way, that it was wrong. She knew it in her gut, but she'd foolishly pursued him anyway. She was selfish and she wanted him. Even when he was trying to do the right thing and stay away, she'd convinced him otherwise. No wonder he thought she was playing mind games with him.

The worst part was that even after he'd essentially kicked her out of his life, even after her father had brutally reminded her of all the reasons they shouldn't be together, she still wanted Kevin. Even though she knew she should regret their little fling, she didn't. She missed him, she couldn't stop thinking about him or their brief time together. She'd left a piece of her heart back in his apartment, and she wasn't sure if she'd ever get it back.

"Alexis?"

The redhead glanced up at her professor. "Yes?"

"Do you have any thoughts to add about Heathcliff and Cathy's relationship?"

She shook her head. "I don't." Alexis had read the book in high school, but all she remembered was that the main characters were terrible people who drove themselves mad out of love for each other. These days, that concept felt a little too close to home.

Her professor frowned, but continued the discussion with the rest of the class. Alexis resisted the urge to lay her head across her books. God, she was tired. Every cell in her body screamed in exhaustion. The tiredness had been constant since just after the new year. For over two weeks she'd been zapped of her strength, and just carrying her books around campus left her body aching and totally depleted.

It couldn't be helped. Staying busy was the only thing keeping her sane. It was all too easy for her mind to fixate on the one person she wanted more than anything else.

"Are you okay?" Sara, her friend and classmate, asked after class. "You look sick." She reached her hand out towards Alexis' flushed skin, and the redhead backed away.

Alexis nodded. "I'm fine. Just didn't sleep well last night." That was a lie; she slept a lot, deeply. It just never seemed to be enough. A chill brushed over her skin, and she casually buttoned up her jacket.

"You want to get together tonight then? Or do you still hang out with your dad on Thursdays?"

"What do you want to do?"

Things weren't great between her and her father. He vacillated between outrage that one of his friends had laid a hand on his daughter and quiet, deep disappointment that she'd hopped into bed with a married man.

Logically, Alexis knew her dad loved her, that he would always love and support her. She just didn't think he respected her anymore, and that was almost as bad as losing his love. She hoped, in time, he'd be able to look at her without seeing her mistake. Until then, she stayed busy and indefinitely canceled their Thursday movie nights. It was better that way.

"There's a book signing in the village at seven."

Alexis nodded. It would be good to get out of her apartment. "I'll meet you at six?"

"Sure," Sara said. "Maybe you can get a nap first. You really look like you could use some rest."

Not if Alexis could help it. "I'll see you then." She tugged her backpack over her shoulders, ignoring the now-familiar ache across her bones and muscles. Each step felt heavier than the last as she walked home. She focused on putting one foot in front of the other and ignored the pain in her legs. She obviously needed to exercise more.

She trudged up the stairs to her apartment. She needed to start on her lit essay. She'd been putting it off for a few days. She just couldn't wrap her head around it; she couldn't understand why two people's love could cause so much pain and devastation. If you love someone, you don't hurt them. Guilt tugged at her stomach. She'd already done her fair share of hurting.

An image appeared in her mind: Kevin's fingers entwined with hers, pressing her against the wall in his apartment. She heard his voice begging her to stay, felt his mouth move across her flushed skin against her wishes and in compliance with her darkest desires.

Different memories moved to the forefront of her mind.

You wouldn't do something like this.

She's not a kid anymore. Stop telling her how to live her life!

Stay with me.

I have better things to do—

No. That was enough. She shook her head, as if that action would loosen the memories from her brain.

She took a deep breath as she started on the final flight of stairs before her apartment. She should have taken the elevator. Her entire body ached from the exertion, her skin felt both hot and cold, and Alexis knew she could lay down in the filthy hallway and sleep for a year. One more flight of stairs.

About halfway up, the world started spinning. She sat down hard against the steps. Maybe she was sick. She'd never been so weak and tired before. She took a deep breath, then forced herself to her feet. She wobbled slightly but gripped onto the handrail to keep from falling.

Maybe Sara was right about that nap. Sleep was her only escape these days, and she deserved a break from thinking of the man who made her stomach twist with desire the same moment her heart ached with loss.

Alexis made it just outside her apartment door before her knees buckled. She gasped, her shaking arms the only things still holding her up, and pain shot up her muscles and into her shoulders from bearing her own body weight.

A new memory appeared in her mind: holding him close after the first time they'd had sex. He gently kissed her, his fingertips stroking her cheekbone. In that moment she'd wanted him in an entirely new way. The fragile feeling, more than any conscious thought, had ignited something inside her heart. Something that, days later, had been extinguished, replaced by unyielding confusion and broken trust.

Stay with me.

Just tell me what you want!

Get out.

Her body crumpled and Alexis let her eyes fall shut, a few stray tears slipping down her face.

If you love someone you don't hurt them.

But it was too late for that.

The nuns had always taught him that you reap what you sow. In his twelve years of Catholic school, he'd become familiar with the words, but never understood them. Now he understood all too well.

"You get the ballistics report back yet?" Javi asked.

Kevin shook his head. "Not yet. Should be in by this evening."

His partner nodded, then turned back to his desk.

Kevin stared at his screen, mentally running through his list of tasks. They'd caught a fresh murder that morning; there was plenty of work to be done, thankfully. When he was focused on a case he didn't have to think about the trainwreck that had become his life. The first few days after what Kevin labeled in his mind as "The Mistake," Castle had refused to work with him, which, combined with the black eye, had forced Kevin to explain to Javi exactly what had happened.

The detective had called Kevin a selfish bastard for throwing away his perfect life, and Kevin hadn't bothered to correct his partner. Even though his life with Jenny had been far from perfect, Kevin was still a selfish bastard. Javi hadn't been wrong about that.

In the nearly three weeks since then, things had settled into a fragile arrangement. Castle ignored Kevin's presence entirely, but they still worked cases together. Javi was still angry. Gone were the days when he and his partner talked about life or got drinks after work. Javi still talked to him; they were still partners, but their partnership only existed on the job. When the day was over, Javi left Kevin alone.

Kevin was alone a lot these days. The divorce was finalized, and he'd given Jenny everything she wanted. He couldn't bothered deny her; he was the one who had ruined things in the first place. He was the one who was still incapable of giving her what she wanted.

So now he was single, a divorcé. His apartment was mostly empty. His closest friends couldn't stand to be around him. Kevin couldn't blame them for their anger; he could only blame himself.

"Ryan."

He looked up from his monitor. Beckett stood a few feet away, her coffee mug in hand. "You look like you need a pick-me-up." She gestured to the break room.

He glanced over to her desk, where Castle was fiddling with his cell phone. Kevin guessed the writer was either using his enviable connections to help solve their case, or more likely, trying to beat the next level on Candy Crush. Either way, there would be no tense interruptions.

"Sure," he said, grabbing his mug and following her in. He leaned against the table, watching the detective fill both of their mugs. "Any new leads?"

"If there were, I would have told you in the bull pen."

Kevin nodded, suddenly understanding what she had wanted to talk about. Beckett had been the most understanding. He knew she was far from pleased with him, but rather than revile him like everyone else, she'd accepted his mistake and the consequences that came with it. She was the glue holding their battered team together.

"How are you holding up?" she asked.

He sighed. "I'm fine, Beckett. You don't need to worry about me."

"You're my partner. I'm always going to worry about you."

"Well, don't. I'm not the victim here."

Her eyes widened at the bitterness in his tone. "One mistake doesn't make you a bad guy."

He laughed humorlessly. "It does if it's a big enough mistake."

"Kevin-"

"Kate," Castle rushed into the break room. "We've got to go."

"What's the matter?"

Kevin took in the writer's crazed expression, and dread wrapped around his heart.

"It's Alexis. One of her neighbors found her unconscious. We've got to get up to the hospital."

He couldn't breathe; fear and guilt had knocked the air right out of him. He remembered the last time he'd seen her, the devastation and shame that was etched into her face. He'd been such an ass to her. Was this somehow his fault? Would she be okay? She had to be okay.

Kevin gripped onto the edge of the table, watching helplessly as Beckett sprang into action, telling Castle she'd meet him in the car.

"Stay here," she said once Castle was out of earshot. She had noted the way Kevin's body tensed, preparing for movement. "Keep following the case. I'll call you as soon as I know something."

He couldn't just keep working like nothing had happened. "Beckett—"

"Ryan," she said sharply. "Stay here. I'll call you. I promise."

He ran his hands through his hair and finally nodded. "Okay."

Beckett rushed to the elevator, and Kevin took a deep breath and returned to his desk. He stared at his monitor, not really seeing it. For nearly three weeks, he'd been unable to get Alexis out of his head. Even when he was focused on a case he could feel her presence in the back of his mind.

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her. He saw her hurt expression, her confusion, the complete defeat in her eyes when Castle had found out about them. He even saw her smile, a treasure from before everything had fallen apart, from before he'd pushed her away in an attempt to hurt her the same way she hurt him. Somehow, the smile was worse. It hurt more, made his guilt heavier. Jesus, if anything happened to her...

"What was that about?" Javi asked.

"Alexis is in the hospital."

His partner's brow furrowed. "Is she okay?"

"I don't know."

Kevin could feel his partner's eyes on him, but he couldn't look at him. Kevin couldn't see the accusation or disgust that he was sure would be there.

"We should probably focus on the case," Javier said.

Kevin nodded, and they went back to their respective tasks. Hours passed, and he tried to engross himself in the case. He moved through the leads with renewed efficiency, forcing himself to not look at the clock, not check his phone, not count the minutes that he'd spent waiting. Was it good or bad that Beckett hadn't called him yet? In the back of his mind, Kevin tried to figure out what would make a nineteen-year-old collapse in the first place, but he quickly found that train of thought to be more distressing than useful.

A homicide detective's brain was calibrated for worst-case scenarios: drugs and assault, namely. He couldn't imagine Alexis ever getting involved in the former, unless she'd somehow changed fundamentally in the last three weeks, and he couldn't dwell on that thought because his guilt was already deep enough to drown in.

That left the second option. Had someone hurt her? The thought made a protective sort of anger ignite in his chest. Despite the fact that he had no business feeling that way about Alexis—he'd hurt her, hadn't he?—Kevin couldn't turn it off.

"I'm heading out," Javier said finally. It was past seven, and the two of them had made a lot of progress on the case during Castle and Beckett's absence.

"Have a good night," Kevin said, his mind putting one mystery to the side and focusing on a new one. If someone had hurt Alexis, Beckett would have called them, wouldn't she?

"You want to get a drink?"

Kevin turned in his seat, looking at his partner in surprise.

"You look like shit," Javi said with a smirk. "I'm sure you could use a drink."

Kevin understood his partner was offering him an olive branch. He shook his head regretfully. "Beckett said she'd call. I… I can't miss that call."

Javi nodded, seemingly unsurprised by Kevin's refusal. "Next time."

"Yeah," Kevin smiled. "Next time."

Javi left, and Kevin continued waiting. His partner's small gesture of kindness had kindled a small measure of hope in him. The offer was such a relief that for a moment Kevin was able to see around the panic and guilt in his heart.

Footsteps echoed from the elevator, and Kevin turned to see Beckett walking toward him, looking very grave. Just like that, he was back in crisis mode.

"Why didn't you call?" he asked. "What's going on? Is she okay?"

The brunette took a seat at Javi's desk, and lay her hand on Kevin's arm. "I wanted to wait until we knew everything to call you, but then I decided it would be better to come talk to you in person."

Kevin knew firsthand that you spoke in person when you were about to deliver really bad news. He saw it in the set of Beckett's mouth, in the slight slouch of her shoulders. She had bad news.

"Kate," he said, "Is Alexis going to be alright?"

"She has mono. The doctor thinks she's had it for a couple weeks now. She's pretty sick, but they gave her some fluids and sent her home. With lots of rest she should make a full recovery."

Relief spread through him so fast he almost cried. It was just mono. She wasn't hurt. Alexis would be okay. "Jesus, you had me scared there for a minute," he said, resting a hand against his chest.

Beckett's expression softened for a moment, but she didn't smile. "You really care about her, don't you?"

"I've known her for a long time, and we were friends for a little while." He left it unspoken that their friendship ended with their misbegotten romantic entanglement. Beckett was astute enough to read between the lines. She probably knew more about his feelings for Alexis then he did.

"And since your friendship ended? You still care about her?"

"Beckett-"

"I won't tell Castle. I just need to know."

"Yeah," he said quietly. "I still care about her. Alexis means the world to me."

She nodded. "That's good."

Kevin noted the sad expression on his partner's face. "There's something else, isn't there?"

Kate sighed, "She's not okay, Kevin. She's had mono for two weeks but didn't see a doctor. That's why she collapsed, because she pushed herself so hard her body shut down. She's barely talking to Castle. She's lost weight. She's really sick, but she refuses to come back to the loft and let her family take care of her. She's punishing herself."

"Why?"

"I think you know why."

Of course. He sighed, resting his face in his hands. Of course she'd punish herself for sleeping with him. Of course she'd take all the blame when none of it belonged to her. Alexis was beautiful, brilliant, and so self-sacrificing that it made him a little sick. He should have seen it coming. He should have known she would react this way, that she'd cope with their mistake in the only way she knew how: by taking full responsibility.

"Kevin?"

He looked up, his eyes locking on Beckett's.

"You need to talk to her," she said.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm the one who put her in this situation in the first place. I can't help her. I'll just hurt her worse."

Beckett frowned at him. "You said you care about her."

"I care about her enough to stay away. It's for the best."

"You're the only one capable of understanding what she's going through right now."

"And it's my fault she's going through it at all."

She shook her head. "So you're just going to do nothing?"

"That's not-"

"And while Alexis is dealing with this situation all by herself, you'll be doing what? Feeling sorry for yourself? Calling yourself a bad guy and wallowing in self-loathing?"

Ouch. She really had him pegged. "Beckett-"

"You can't have it both ways, Ryan. You can't say Alexis means the world to you and then leave her alone when you're the only one who can help. So which one is it? Do you care about her or not?"

He stood up. "Christ, Beckett. Don't you get it? She doesn't want to see me. She's the one who broke it off."

"And you resent her for that." It wasn't a question.

"No. Yes," he sighed. "Can't Castle help her?" Alexis clearly thought he was more important than anything else.

"They barely talk. He's the only parent she's ever been able to count on, and he can't even look her in the eye right now."

He collapsed into his chair with a sigh. Kevin had assumed that once Alexis broke things off with him, she and Castle would go back to their almost too-close relationship. She'd been a good girl and followed Daddy's orders, so their lives could continue uninterrupted. Apparently that wasn't the case. "How am I supposed to face her?"

She patted his arm. "A peace offering wouldn't hurt."

"What if she doesn't want to talk to me?"

"She's pretty stubborn, but I think you can handle it. You two are alike that way."

He sighed, his stomach flipping over at the prospect of seeing her again. "I can't believe you're doing this."

She squeezed his hand, looking at him sadly. "I'm scared for her, Kevin."

He looked at his partner. Kevin could count on one hand the number of times Beckett had admitted to being afraid. "Okay." He nodded. "I'll talk to her. Just make sure Castle doesn't kill me while I'm trying."

Author's Note: Beckett's so wise. Maybe she can help these two figure this mess out.

Two updates in the same week! How much do you love this? Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You are all amazing, and I am so thankful for your support. Please, please, please keep it up! I think I deserve a reward for updating so soon! ;)

Next time: Monofied Alexis + stupidly handsome Kevin + Popsicles = the most awkward get well soon visit ever.