From Scratch

by Marie Goos

The Dragon Warrior has finally brought peace to the Valley, and to Shifu- although, with an old flame's return, Tai Lung alive and less than repentant, and the threat of war looming over China, you could have fooled him. Sequel to Blue Plate Special.

7. Cooking Is Like Love

A/N: So I'm seeing in more and more sources that it was Shifu's hip that was injured in Tai Lung's rampage- as that had once been a bit of a vague point, I'd previously assigned the injury to his knee. (His limp just seemed like a knee limp to me, y'know?) I assure you that I will be going back through the fic to fix any mentions of this. Anyway... Finally done! PHEW! Now I just need to try to churn out chapter 8 by the 26th. Wish me luck! And enjoy.

Disclaimer: Kung Fu Panda belongs to Dreamworks.

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Chapter 7: Cooking Is Like Love: It Should Be Entered Into with Abandon or Not At All

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Tai Lung had never been a huge fan of cities. Maybe it had something to do with his upbringing in a palace on top of a mountain, or maybe it had something to do with the fact that the less room people had in which to live, the more temperamental they became. And Tai Lung wasn't exactly a fan of people when they were well-tempered, so the idea of urban living often filled him with feelings of disgust and anger. Despite all this, he would have given anything to step foot outside of Chen's house, even for a moment.

He felt like a prisoner all over again, albeit in a much cushier prison than Chor Ghom had been. And at least he had someone to talk to, which went a long way toward keeping his sanity (though his sanity didn't last long once Yan-Yan started talking about her grandchildren). Most importantly, while he spent most of his time stuck up in the bedroom where he'd first awoken, he had plenty of time to plan. And while one would think the twenty years he'd spent in Chor Ghom would have given him ample time to plan, so many of those years had been wasted stewing in his own intense rage that he had become short-sighted. As humiliating as it had been, having the sense knocked out of him by that big, fat panda had helped him clear his head. Of course, that didn't mean that his anger had faded; what it did mean was that he had finally begun to learn to not allow his rage to cloud his mind. The first step had been admitting to himself that his temper affected his thinking to begin with, and while it had not been easy, that fact had been made painfully clear to him by the panda.

Now that he'd been defeated, now that Chen had picked him up and decided to give him a "second chance," he had all the time he needed to plot his vengeance. Shifu and the panda would both pay for taking his entire life's purpose away from him. All he had to do was go along with whatever the little raisin wanted him to do, and hopefully he'd be able to make it back into the Valley of Peace without raising any suspicion. He'd lay low, learn their greatest weaknesses... And then strike. So what if the panda was the Dragon Warrior? It wasn't as if Oogway had actually written anything in that damn scroll, the old coot. "Dragon Warrior" was just a title, and he'd show them all that he was better than that, that he was above a meaningless label. His loss to the panda had been a fluke- one that would not happen twice.

"G'morning, kitty," a gravelly voice greeted as the door swung open and Chen hopped into the room. "Having another one of your brooding sessions?" he mocked.

"I wouldn't expect a dried up turd like you to understand what it is like to lose everything." Tai Lung stopped the pacing he'd been doing around the small bedroom and crossed his arms. "What it is like to have to start your life all over again."

"See, ya think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while ya talk, I'm thinking, 'How can I give less of a shit?' That's why I look interested."

Tai Lung glared at the old raisin, his hackles rising. "Mark my words, old man-"

"No thanks," Chen interrupted.

He wanted desperately to crush the rodent, but he managed, barely, to hold himself back; if he could just bide his time until Lin arrived and the two annoying coots inevitably decided to send him back to the Valley of Peace, he'd have a clear shot at the panda and at Shifu. And this time around, no one would stand in his way. The thought calmed him, and he settled on just glaring daggers at Chen. "How much longer are you going to keep me locked up in here like an unwanted twin?"

"Just until a bunch of old windbags get together and decide your fate forya." At least he was honest. "Speaking of which, I got someone forya to meet."

"Absolutely not."

"Get your ass in here," Chen snapped over his shoulder, and just like that yet another person knew about Tai Lung's presence in Shanghai.

A raccoon dog with thick white fur and blue eyes magnified by gigantic glasses peered at him from the doorway, a confused expression on its face. It looked like a rather old man, though Tai Lung doubted he could be any older than Chen.

"What the devil is this, now?" he grumbled; the last thing he needed was someone else harassing him.

"This's Wei-Shan," Chen informed him, a disgruntled frown in place. "And a little respect'd be nice."

He'd heard of Wei-Shan; the man hadn't done as much of note in kung fu history as Chen had, though he had accompanied the little raisin on many of the rodent's famous missions and had retrieved the Invisible Trident of Destiny from the demons of the Yellow Sea, thanks to his then incredible eyesight. Apparently that particular attribute hadn't lasted.

"You're fluffier than I'd imagined," Wei-Shan commented by way of greeting.

"Get him away from me," Tai Lung growled, glowering first at Chen, then at the soon-to-be-disembowled Wei-Shan.

"Oh, I'm sure we'll be fast friends," Wei-Shan dismissed, as if he hadn't even heard the snow leopard. "Chen reacted the same way when we first met, and now look at us."

"I'd rather not." And he meant that quite literally; the last people he wanted to lay eyes on were a couple of wrinkly old men.

"Aren't you going to say hello to me?" Now that was more like it; Yan-Yan appeared in the doorway, an exasperated frown stuck on her face.

"Yan-Yan!" Wei-Shan blinked back at the woman, even going so far as to adjust his glasses. "You look different than I'd expected."

"Well it's been a few years," she huffed, then self-consciously smoothed out her lilac hanfu, despite the fact that it was completely unnecessary. "Gravity tends to take its toll."

"What, exactly, is the point of this little gathering?" Tai Lung cut in, before the topic of conversation could be completely derailed. He had better things to do with his morning than listen to an attractive woman whine about being unattractive.

"You're meeting Wei-Shan 'cause he's gonna help us decide your fate," Chen informed him.

"And I'm forcing you to eat this," Yan-Yan added, then pulled out something wrapped in a banana leaf from her sleeve. "Not the leaf, of course, but what's inside." She shoved the thing into Tai Lung's hands, and he opened the leaf to peer down at some sort of dark green, glutinous log.

"Do I even want to know what this is?" he grumbled.

"Looks like some sort of grass jelly," Wei-Shan commented, apparently unaware of how unhelpful he was.

"Actually, the green comes from algae," Yan-Yan corrected.

Tai Lung could only glare at her, scandalized that she would even think about trying to feed him such slop.

"Oh, don't be a baby," she scolded. "Algae is very good for you, and it doesn't taste that bad. It's like Wei-Shan said, it tastes like grass."

"Lovely," he grumbled, but downed the chewy concoction anyway; it did indeed taste like grass, but also a little bit like vomit. "Eurgh," he coughed out after swallowing the thing. Still, Yan-Yan had yet to let him down with her disgusting variety of medicines. Each and every one, while barely edible, had invigorated him and noticeably improved his health. Sometimes, though, he had to wonder if the awful taste was intentional- especially when she made his medicine immediately after he'd said something to annoy her.

She rolled her eyes at him. "Why is it that the men who think they're the toughest always act like the biggest babies?"

"You are treading dangerous territory," he warned her.

"You two are pretty funny," Wei-Shan suddenly cut in, observing them as if their behavior was somehow foreign to him.

"Funny 'haha' or funny 'weird?'" Yan-Yan asked, skepticism clear in her voice.

"A little of both."

"This is ridiculous!" Tai Lung snapped, fed up with being trotted out and shown around like a trophy wife. "I do not want to speak to any of you. And if you have nothing important to say to me, then get out!"

"It's my house, I'll do what I want," Chen argued, as obstinate as ever.

"Your accent is pretty unusual," Wei-Shan observed, as if the current conversation meant absolutely nothing to him. "Then again, you have been in prison for a long time. I don't think it's a snow leopard thing in general, though, because I was acquainted with Lady Wu-"

"Hey," Yan-Yan suddenly interrupted. "There's some more of my daughter's seasonal jam in the kitchen. You two like oranges, don't you?"

"Ooh, oranges." Wei-Shan walked out of the room, completely distracted by the jam in question.

Chen glared at her a moment, then Tai Lung, then back to her. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he ordered harshly, then hopped off after Wei-Shan.

Tai Lung couldn't believe that Yan-Yan had actually taken his side, not that he owed her any thanks. "Tell me, is Wei-Shan... Senile?"

"No," Yan-Yan sighed. "He's just... Him. He grows on you after a while."

"How long is 'a while'?"

She snorted at the question, though it hadn't been a joke. "So how are you feeling today?"

"Like I no longer have any reason to stay in this old man's house," he growled, then sat down cross-legged on his bedroll; of course, that was a complete bluff. He still had a vague plan in place, after all.

"Hm," she replied, putting her hand on her chin and tilting her head a bit as she assessed him.

He resisted the urge to shift uncomfortably under her gaze; it wouldn't do to show any weakness.

Then, she threw her hands in the air and let them drop back down to her sides with a loud slap. "You don't," she announced.

He blinked back at her, unsure if he'd heard correctly. "...What?"

"If you want to leave, there's really nothing stopping you," she elaborated. "Aside from the whole being an outlaw thing, but I'm sure you could figure that part out if you wanted to."

Tai Lung had no idea how to reply to that particular bit of information; even if he was completely healed and had no reason to stay with Chen, he would have never expected Yan-Yan to tell him. She was, ultimately, on the little raisin's side, after all. "Is this reverse psychology?"

"It's the truth," she shot back. "I'm a doctor, Tai Lung. Doctors don't lie to their patients."

"I think you like me," he pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

"How astute," she observed sarcastically. "What tipped you off, that time that I told you I like you?"

"I meant romantically," he huffed, scowling at her attitude.

"Oh my," she sighed, shaking her head at him. "Are you trying to seduce me over to the dark side?"

He couldn't hold back the slightest bit of a blush at her suggestion of him doing that with her. He still couldn't believe that a middle-class woman like Yan-Yan could be so forthright. "There is no need for such brutish tactics."

"I didn't really think so." She actually sounded disappointed. "I am quite a bit older than you. And in my experience, most men aren't too fond of the age difference when the roles are reversed."

"Stop it right there!" he snapped before she could go on and on forever with her insipid whining. "I do not want to hear any of your complaining today. It is maddening and I think it very well may send me into another rampage."

She laughed at the comment, as if she thought he was making another joke, then sat down beside him. "So are you saying you find me attractive?"

"A eunuch would find you attractive," he blurted out; what he'd been thinking when the words passed his lips, he had no idea.

"Too bad all the good eunuchs are taken already," she hummed, apparently unfazed by his comment. "Then again, it was marrying a man generally considered to be 'good' that got me into my current predicament." She turned to him and gave him a warm, incredibly sweet smile. "Food for thought, hm?"

"Yes," he agreed, trying to edge away from her with as much subtlety as possible.

She caught him at it, anyway. "Why so nervous? Surely a big, strong kung fu warrior such as yourself has nothing to fear from little old me."

"Of course not," he agreed. "I am simply a little overheated."

"I know something that could help with that." Yan-Yan leaned in closer to him, her smile growing. "Trust me. I'm a doctor."

He knew it would be far too risky to "fraternize with the enemy," as it were. After all, as attractive as Yan-Yan was, her loyalties remained with Chen, while his decidedly did not. It would be idiotic, ignorant, and weak of him to give in to the woman, despite his... Curiosity. Certainly he hadn't missed anything, in abstaining for the entirety of his adult life; just a whole lot of drama for a few fleeting moments of pleasure. It was a ridiculous way to live, and he was above all of that. And no curvaceous temptress was going to bring him down by simply batting her eyes at him. So, he opened his mouth to tell her exactly where she could go. "...Alright, then."

"Aloe juice it is!" she suddenly exclaimed, jumping to her feet with an excited clap. "It's about time someone around here helped me drink it. I'll go make a batch right now."

He watched her bustle out of the room, utterly stumped. "Women," he huffed in his frustration.

---

Shifu wondered, and not for the first time, why the universe seemed to enjoy torturing him so much. He'd thought he'd paid his dues when his own son tried to kill him, but apparently he'd thought wrong. Now, on top of having to travel to Shanghai to decide what to do with said son, he had to deal with Lin through the entire trip. It had been five days, and already she was wearing on his last nerve. First, she'd made a huge scene about taking the trade route- apparently she didn't want to be seen by authorities. When he had attempted to assure her that no one remembered her, she'd simply replied, "I mighta kinda sorta stirred up a little trouble on my way down here." He'd given up after that, and followed her lead to a much smaller, much more unkempt back road frequented mostly by criminals. After that, she had annoyed him with insipid traveling games like "I spy" and had pouted like a child when he'd refused to play. And whenever he attempted to start any conversation at all with her, she somehow managed to turn it into some sort of come-on or filthy joke. Not to mention that every single time he stopped for a bathroom break, without fail, she felt the need to loudly remind him that, "More'n two shakes is playing with yourself!"

He was slowly but surely going insane.

He glanced behind him as they made their way up a tiny dirt road, overgrown with weeds and grass, rice paddies visible in the distance; Lin was very clearly staring at his backside. "Hey!"

"Hm?" she asked, apparently unconcerned that she'd been caught.

"Keep your eyes above the belt, please," he huffed, embarrassed by her behavior.

"Oh, like you don't stare at mine every chance you get," she shot back, but thankfully raised her gaze to eye level. "How much longer until we make camp?"

"Not long," he replied grudgingly; the sun had sunk quite close to the horizon, and if they didn't stop soon they wouldn't have enough daylight to be able to build a fire. Not that that was any problem; he'd been right when he'd admitted that Lin would be good at getting a fire started. She usually had the task done before he'd even finished gathering firewood. The problem was actually sleeping near Lin- mainly because the weather had begun to cool, and the nights were often accompanied by a bitter chill. He suspected it wouldn't be long until they needed to huddle together for warmth, and he couldn't help but dread it.

"Why don't we just stop now?" she suggested, gesturing to some bushes looming out of the underbrush off the side of the road. "Look, shelter and privacy."

He doubted they'd find a much better spot, so he conceded. "If you insist."

She practically ran to the bushes and he followed her to a relatively secluded space behind one. "Guess what these are!" she suddenly exclaimed, poking at the oval leaves with a grin.

"Plants," he replied flatly, dropping his bag on the ground and pulling out some of the rations he'd packed: dumplings, courtesy of Po.

"They're honeysuckle," she told him.

"Fascinating." He picked a spot for their fire and cleared some of the grass from it while Lin watched him, her expression growing disgruntled as the silence between them stretched on.

"Oh, get bent," she suddenly snapped, carelessly dropping her own bag.

"What?"

"You heard me. Get bent." With that, she marched off, presumably to find something to use as kindling.

He decided to ignore her outburst, whatever it had been about. He had better things to do with his time, anyway. It didn't take long to get enough wood together for a fire; he admittedly took most of it from the surrounding bushes, not that they couldn't spare a few branches. After Lin returned, arms full of firewood and dried grass, she took to building the fire while he... Watched. There wasn't much else to do; they had opted against a tent, Lin insisting that it added unnecessary bulk, especially since it wasn't the rainy season; he'd been inclined to agree, for once. And the dumplings merely needed to be heated over a flame, so he didn't need to prepare them. So, he watched her bring a crackling fire to life in awkward silence, uncomfortable at the sour expression that lingered on her face.

She grabbed the dumplings from him and skewered them onto a couple of the honeysuckle branches, then threw one at him rather carelessly before holding her own over the flames.

"I give in," he grumbled, glaring at her. "What did I do now?"

"Like you don't know," she scoffed, hunching her shoulders as she very clearly sulked.

"Is this some sort of hormonal thing?"

She grabbed a clod of dirt and threw it at him for the question, but it had been worth it. "Go to hell."

"Not until I know why you want me there," he replied. "How do you expect me to know what you are angry about when you won't tell me?"

"That just pisses me off even more!" She pulled one of her dumplings off of the stick, popping it into her mouth and chewing sullenly.

"Well excuse me for not being a mind-reader!" He reached over and snatched her dumplings away from her, partly out of spite, but mostly so she wouldn't have an excuse to ignore him.

"Hey!" She grabbed for the stick several times, but he was too fast for her, and each grab she made was easily dodged. "Stop it! I'm hungry, dammit!" She tried to grab hold of his arm to stop it from moving, but again, he dodged. "You're a dick!" And then she tackled him.

He hadn't exactly been expecting that, and she'd moved faster than he'd thought she could; as a result, he found Lin sitting in his lap, pinning him down by the shoulders. "Don't be a child," he huffed, and managed to sit up with relative ease. "Now get off of me."

"I want my dinner back," she ground out, grabbing at his arm again.

"Then tell me why you are angry!"

"Hello!" she spat out. "Honeysuckles? Ring a bell?"

"Not particularly."

She let out a disgusted grunt and actually voluntarily climbed out of his lap to sit at the opposite side of the fire, her back turned to him. "Forget it, I'm not hungry anymore."

"What about honeysuckles?"

"I said, forget it."

He wondered what on earth she could possibly be so angry about- something to do with honeysuckles- "Ohhhh- oh!" It suddenly hit him; he had given her honeysuckles, once. She'd squealed in delight and sucked on the sweet nectar, adorable in her simple enjoyment of the flowers. "I remember now."

"Too late," she answered, maddeningly enough.

"Well I apologize for not instantly remembering every single moment of our former relationship!" he shot back sarcastically.

"I thought I toldya to forget it!" she snapped. "Leave it, drop it, whatever."

"Aren't you the one who is all for forgetting the past, anyway?"

"Yup, that's why we're dropping the subject."

He honestly couldn't understand why she had gotten so annoyed over such a simple thing, but he wasn't about to let her skip dinner and then keep him up all night complaining about her hunger. So, he got up and joined her at the other side of the fire, practically forcing her dinner back on her. "...What else do you remember?"

"Everything," she answered shortly, biting into a dumpling.

"There is no way that you remember everything," he pointed out. "I am sure there is something I remember that you do not."

"Remember that time I toldya to get bent?"

"Fine, refuse to admit you are wrong. It is not as if that is anything new." He watched her chew sullenly on her food, waiting for an answer, but got none. "You know you are wrong," he suddenly realized. "That is why you're so angry at me for pointing it out."

She held up her hand, pinching her index finger and her thumb together. "I am this close to punching you in the dick."

"Now that I remember," he replied with a wince as he thought back on all the times, intentionally or not, she had hit him in the crotch. Especially when she had kneed him there for kissing her. "Is that some sort of price of admission for you?"

She punched him, but in the arm instead- which meant she thought what he'd said was funny.

As annoyed as he'd been by her temper, he couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic. "Do you know what else I remember?" And it couldn't hurt to get her into a better mood, either- for his own sake, if for no other reason.

"How much of an ass groper you were?" she sniffed, though there was a note of amusement in her voice.

"Besides that." He couldn't exactly deny that accusation. "I remember how ticklish you were." He caught a glimpse of the horrified look dawning on her face before his hands darted out and found her sides.

The shriek she let out was nothing short of inhuman, not to mention ear-piercing. She managed to wriggle away from him due to his distraction, caused by a combination of her screaming and the fact that he couldn't help but laugh at the way she still behaved like a toddler at the slightest tickle. The annoyed frown on her face, accompanied by an angry blush, only made him laugh even harder. Then, she reached out and yanked on his beard.

"Ouch!" He batted her hand away, and while that had put a stop to his laughter he was still rather amused.

She seemed soothed by the small act of revenge, and relaxed a little. "Y'know, I don't think I've heardya laugh in over thirty years."

"Oh, come now. I laugh just as much as anyone else."

"Not around me." She eyed him critically, and he tried desperately to resist her guilt techniques.

"You could bear to be a little nicer to me," he grumbled.

"Ditto," she shot back. "You've been acting like a jackass a lot lately, and I mean more'n usual. Y'know, some of the stuff you've said..."

"What?" he pressed, raising his eyebrows at her; it was rare that she was the one who wanted to have a serious discussion while he was trying to lighten the mood. He wasn't sure if he liked the role reversal.

"That thing you said, when we were fighting about Tai Lung. And you implied I shoulda shot him. Didya really mean that?"

"I don't know," he huffed. "When Tai Lung first returned to the valley, it was a kill or be killed situation. You cannot expect me to simply do nothing."

"But do you want Tai Lung dead?" she asked.

"No, of course not," he denied immediately. "But a lot of unwanted things happen in life. It cannot be helped."

"You could always try my patented technique," she offered, and when he gave her an inquisitive look she elaborated. "You could just not do anything you don't wanna do."

He rolled his eyes at her. "I cannot. I have lives in my hands, at any given time, and my decisions affect those lives dramatically. Not all of us have the luxury of doing whatever we want. Some of us must do things we do not want to do, for the sake of others."

Rather than insult him or argue with him as he'd expected, Lin actually smiled at him. "I always liked that about you, that you wanna protect people. I been all over, so trust me when I say it's a rarity."

"Oh?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at her. "So you do not think I am full of it this time?"

"I never said that," she shot back. "I mean, of course you're always gonna be full of it. That's just the way you are. But at least this time you got noble intentions."

He resented the implication that it was simply in his nature to be "full of it," but he knew nothing he could say would change Lin's mind. "I am only speaking the truth. It is my duty as a master of kung fu to work for the greater good, regardless of my own wishes. Sometimes in spite of them." He paused as a memory floated up from his mind, unbidden: the day Tai Lung was taken to Chor Ghom, when it had been his duty to inspect Oogway's debilitating contraption and to see the rhino guards to the gates of the palace; he had avoided his son's gaze at all costs, already knowing the hatred and betrayal that would be there. That had been the last time he'd seen the snow leopard for twenty long years. "Kung fu is not about doing what I want, it is about doing the right thing."

She apparently sensed the memories attached to his words, and took on a much gentler tone. "Those can be the same thing, a lotta the time. I think it's the same thing now, with what we're doing."

"What if it is not?" he asked. "I... I have always had Master Oogway to tell me the right path, however vaguely or metaphorically. Now, I do not know if I will make the right choices."

"Welcome to everyone else's damn life." She elbowed him in the side, which he supposed was meant to be a comforting gesture. "You really think that after you were raised and taught by someone like Oogway, that after seventy years of experience, you can't make your own decisions?"

"When you put it that way I just sound pathetic and dependent," he grumbled.

"It's called perspective. Get some." With that, she finished off the last of her dumplings.

He glared at her, even though he knew that she was right. "Your sensitivity and nurturing instinct are enough to sooth the most frazzled of nerves," he observed sarcastically. "I can only imagine how the children of Bao Gu must have loved you."

She surprised him by actually talking about her experience. "Well, the bad kids liked me."

"Why?"

"'Cause I yelled at 'em. They were real young though- in a coupla years, they'd hate that kinda treatment." She got up and pulled her blanket out of her bag, spreading it on the ground beside the fire. "Kids're weird, and kinda annoying. That's why I never liked 'em much."

"Then perhaps it was for the best that you left," he mused. "I shudder to think how you might have reacted to Tigress."

"Assuming you woulda just showed up with her one day- which I know is exactly whatya did- I woulda killed you. And that's not an exaggeration."

He could only imagine. "Perhaps this is not the best subject of conversation for us."

"It's getting late, anyway," she accepted. "Put out the fire, willya?"

He nodded, then took a moment to lay out his own blanket before smothering the campfire with dirt, so they could preserve their drinking water. "This sort of reminds me of how you always used to coerce me into doing the dishes."

"It's basically the same principle." She crawled under her blanket and curled up, clearly uncomfortable without her little mountain of pillows. "...Y'know, I always liked your laugh."

"Oh?" He probably shouldn't have been so interested in the proclamation, but he couldn't help himself.

"I probably shouldn't tellya this, but it used to make me weak in the knees."

"Not anymore?" He realized after the words left his mouth that he had begun to flirt with her, and he scolded himself; the last thing he needed to deal with on their trip was to give Lin any reason at all to continue harassing him.

"Like I said, tonight was the first time I heard it," she hummed, sounding rather pleased with his flirtatious question. "But it still did the job pretty well, I think."

He blushed and turned away from her to settle down for the night, himself. He was surprised to find how incredibly cold the ground felt, and while the blanket offered some warmth he had a feeling that once his embarrassment wore off he would be shivering.

"What, you're embarrassed, now?" Of course, she couldn't just leave well enough alone.

"Why don't we drop it, hm?"

"Fine, I'll just snuggle up in my nice warm blanket and drift comfortably off to sleep." She was absolutely evil; she clearly knew he was cold, and was only taunting him.

"You cannot tell me you are not cold."

"I have thick fur." She had something of a point, there.

While he was loathe to admit it, his fur had grown thin as he'd aged and as such, he found himself not quite as well insulated against the cold as he'd once been. He took a moment to thank the gods that Lin had yet to return to the valley when he had once mistaken sneezing powder for a hair growth potion. "So you are not concerned at all? It will only get colder as the night goes on."

"...It's a little chilly," Lin admitted, though that was something of an understatement. "But you're right, the temperature's only gonna drop more as it gets later. It'd probably be best to huddle up for warmth." To her credit, she did not make a sexual joke.

"Well..." He wished there was some way to avoid it, but sharing a bed with Lin seemed inevitable. "Bring your blanket over here."

"Get up," she ordered as she approached, and while the order annoyed him he still sat up, well aware of what she was planning. She grabbed his blanket from him and tied two corners to her own, then laid the two on the ground.

"I see you have done this before," he remarked as he lay down and awkwardly shuffled close to her while she tied the other two corners of the blankets together around them, effectively cocooning them.

"'Course I have, I spent more'n half my life on the road." She turned to look at him, despite how uncomfortable their proximity made such an action. Then, she reached up and placed a hand on top of his head. "Hey, you're balding."

"Wha- no I am not!" he argued immediately, his hands flying up to feel the spot she'd just touched. "You must be mistaken. I may have lost a little fur, but I am most certainly not balding!"

"Relax," she replied with a chuckle. "It's kinda cute."

The comment stung more than a joke at his expense would have. "We will see how cute I am when I kick your behind all the way to Shanghai."

"Ifya mean that in a kinky way, then you got a deal." It had only been a matter of time before she'd started in on the sexual comments.

"I would prefer it if you did not say things like that while we are pressed up together," he grumbled. "It makes me worried about where your hands might travel."

"You wouldn't be so worried ifya knew what they could do," she shot back, grinning. "But I guess it's your loss. I'll keep the come-ons to myself for now."

He found himself surprised that she had accepted his request so easily, but he was too tired and too relieved to not have to worry about sexual harassment while he tried to sleep to question it. "Thank you." He allowed himself to settle in, laying on his back arm-to-arm with Lin, and began to drift off.

"Hey, Shifu?"

He should have known she'd never let him fall asleep. "What is it?" he muttered, keeping his eyes closed in the hopes that she would stop talking and allow him to rest.

"...Can we spoon?"

At that question, though, his eyes flew open. "What?" He stared aghast at Lin as she frowned at his reaction.

"I'm still kinda cold," she huffed, though a blush was forming in her cheeks. "I toldya I wasn't gonna make fun of your prudishness anymore, and I meant it. And like you said, it's only gonna get colder."

He supposed he should count himself grateful she hadn't suggested they undress; besides, she had a point. "If you so much as giggle I will go to Shanghai on my own," he warned.

"Fair enough." She turned on her side and he stared at her for a moment, wondering how to maneuver around her large, fluffy tail. "Oh, for the love of..." she muttered, then reached back, grabbed her tail, and moved it out of the way.

"How did you know that was why I hesitated?" he asked as he joined her, still a little shocked that she hadn't insisted on being the big spoon.

"Experience," she answered simply, and he was grateful she didn't bother to elaborate.

"Ah, I see." He held his left arm up for a moment, unsure of what to do with it; he couldn't really relax his arm without somehow embracing Lin, and the situation had already become extremely embarrassing.

She once again seemed to read his mind. "We're already spooning," she pointed out. "You might as well just put it wherever."

He settled on draping his arm over her side and allowing his hand to rest lightly on her stomach. He resisted the urge to ask her if she was alright with it; she had just told him to put his arm wherever. And, though he would never admit it out loud, he enjoyed the feeling of her sagging little bulge of a stomach against his hand, the rhythm of her body as she breathed, and her scent of freshly dug earth, that smell that hadn't changed in over three decades. He jumped a little when she placed her hand over his, but he didn't pull away; her calloused palm against the back of his hand was more comforting than he could ever tell her.

"Shifu, I..." There was a gentleness to her voice that hadn't been there before, and it reminded him of how fragile the moment was. "...I meant it, when I said the balding thing was cute."

He got the feeling she had wanted to say something different, but he was smart enough to know he shouldn't ask. "Thank you."

She moved back a bit, cuddling up against him, then let out a happy sigh and, as far as he could tell, fell asleep.

He had a feeling that he would not be so lucky.

---

"Po, widen your stance. Crane, loosen up a little, your form is looking stiff. Mantis, don't you dare laugh. Monkey, quit playing with your staff and get on the obstacle course. Mantis, I told you not to laugh! Viper-"

"Here," Viper interrupted, handing Tigress a cup of chamomile tea. "Calm down for a minute, okay? You always get so stressed out when you're in charge."

Tigress eyed the cup, then hesitantly grabbed it and took a sip. She had to admit, when it came to chamomile Viper always had the best stuff. "Thank you," she sighed, grateful for the small gesture. "I'd like you to work with Po at some point today. He could use the practice with speed and agility, and I know he responds well to your criticism."

"That's because I'm constructive," she replied, giving her friend a pointed stare.

"I'm constructive!" Tigress argued, then caught sight of Crane faltering ever so slightly on the Jade Tortoise. "Crane!" she barked, causing the avian master to jump a little. "Didn't I just tell you to loosen up? What is the matter? It's not like your mother's watching you!"

He nodded in acceptance, but she could have sworn he muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, "No, but you are."

"That was not constructive," Viper pointed out. "You're worse than Master Shifu after he eats something that upsets his stomach!"

Despite all of her efforts not to, Tigress thought of Lin and her horribly spicy curry. "Viper, just... Don't." She reached up to massage her temple as she watched her fellow kung fu masters practice with little to no enthusiasm whatsoever. "Alright, that's enough!" she called out, fed up with their performance. "Meditation until lunchtime!" she ordered. "Then perhaps some of you will actually be able to focus."

The others stopped what they were doing and left together, giving each other looks that clearly said they thought she was on a power trip. She didn't care.

"Tigress," Viper whispered as she watched the guys leave, "what's this really about?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she denied, crossing her arms. "I am doing my best to ensure that things run smoothly while Master Shifu is... Away." She'd been unable to control her voice at that last part, and it came out of her mouth with unexpected venom.

Viper, being the most observant of her friends, caught on immediately. "It's okay if you're jealous," she replied gently. "My sisters and I fought with each other all the time over our father's attention. I mean, I always won, but we still fought."

"As enlightening as that was," Tigress grumbled, "I am not jealous. I don't have anything to be jealous over!"

"Come on, Tigress," she argued. "I know you better than that! Master Shifu is your father, and there's nothing wrong with wanting his affection and approval. And there's nothing wrong with being jealous when someone else you barely know gets it."

"Viper-"

"I understand, also, that you don't like Lin, but you should try to keep in mind that she's not the one you're really angry at."

"Well, she's an asshole!" Tigress snapped, then shut her mouth, her eyes widening at the exclamation that had burst from her mouth before she'd been able to stop herself.

Viper seemed pretty taken aback, too. "Oh. Um..."

"Sorry," Tigress grumbled. "That was... Building up for a while."

"No, I get it." Viper patted her arm with the end of her tail, and she felt like a child.

"She told me that... She said that she and Shifu were once involved. Seriously."

"Seriously?" Viper repeated. "How seriously?"

"Forever seriously, it sounds like." She grimaced just thinking about it.

"Whoa. That's news. So what happened?"

"She left." Tigress gritted her teeth at the nerve of the woman, returning as if it were nothing after she had clearly hurt Master Shifu. "And now she thinks she can just come back and pretend she belongs here, and Master Shifu-" She cut herself off, shaking her head. What was the point in talking about it, anyway? It wasn't like anyone else could understand. "She's an old con-artist, and I don't trust her. And that's that."

"What did she say to you, exactly?" Viper asked, a look of concern crossing her face.

"Nothing," Tigress sighed. "It was nothing. No, that's not true... I think she was trying to tell me she wants to be my mother."

"Whoa," the serpentine master exclaimed. "Talk about crossing a line! I mean, whoa. Are you... Are you okay?"

Tigress didn't answer. She wasn't okay, of course; she was mad as hell. But she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk to her friend in depth about it; Viper was the kind of person who liked to ask questions, as if that were somehow helpful. And it wasn't.

Viper cleared her throat after the silence had stretched to an awkward length. "Well... Wow. I guess she's really planning to stick around. And is... Really involved with Master Shifu. Weird. I mean, she's not his type at all-"

"Oh, ew, Viper," she interrupted. "You know what Master Shifu's type is? Wait, don't answer that."

"Like you don't remember that incident with my seamstress," she shot back. "Or remember Winter Feast four years ago? When Master Leopard almost beat him to a pulp? Not to mention the Wu Sisters-"

"Don't remind me of the Wu Sisters," Tigress pleaded. Wu Bai in particular was a notorious flirt, and tended to use that to her advantage in battle. Even Crane had been distracted by the assassin, and it took a lot to distract Crane.

"Anyway, just... Calm down," Viper advised. "You have about a month until you see either of them again. Use this time to focus on you."

"...On me?" she asked warily.

"Yes! Just do what makes you happy and forget everything else! Let loose for once! It's incredibly therapeutic."

Tigress blinked down at her friend as a particular scroll of kung fu came to mind, one which Shifu had not allowed her to study. Could she really disobey her master so blatantly, though? Then again, how would he ever know? He was too busy, as Mantis had said, "practicing doggy style." It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she learned nerve strikes. After all, they'd all learned from experience that Shifu wasn't always right. "You know," she answered slowly, "that is excellent advice."

"I know," Viper accepted with a wink. "Now what do you say to performing our daily meditation in a hot bath?"

She knew she shouldn't, but she had already resolved to break Shifu's rules once. "Just for today."

Viper let out a squeal of delight, leading the way out of the training hall. "Oh, good! We haven't had a girls' day in forever."

---

"Lin, no."

"Oh, lighten up."

"Absolutely not."

"But-"

"No!"

Lin crossed her arms and glared at Shifu with a childish frown on her face, then turned to the inn in front of them. "I don't see what's wrong with this inn," she argued.

Shifu eyed the establishment, inclined to disagree. The two-story building, which stood on a lake, elevated above the water by stilts, was a hot-bed for criminal activity. The restaurant on the first floor was so full of rowdy bandits, thieves, mercenaries, and assassins that the din was audible even from the shore of the lake, where he'd stopped to argue with Lin over the wisdom of spending the night at such a place. "It is crawling with criminals," he pointed out flatly.

"Well, duh. That's half the draw!"

"I am not spending the night in an establishment full of bandits and highway men!"

"Oh, you'll be fine if you're with me," she dismissed. "After all, these're my people."

He couldn't argue with that. "Yet another reason for me to rethink our friendship."

She stared at him for the comment, though he honestly didn't understand why. "You admitted it!" she suddenly shouted, sounding more excited than anyone about to walk into an inn full of criminals should. "You admitted that we're friends!"

"Oh, gods." He should have ditched her days ago and just gone ahead to Shanghai himself. "Fine, we will stay the night here. But only because the next town is a day and a half away and I do not want to spend another night spooning you on the cold ground." He had huddled with her for warmth for the past four nights, and had unfortunately had to deal with Lin's tendency to moan suggestively in her sleep on top of it. He wasn't sure if his poor heart could take another night.

"Great!" She set off down the long, narrow dock leading toward the inn, a happy grin on her face. "I can't wait to finally get some booze in me."

"As always, your priorities are in perfect order." He followed her into the inn, and found himself actually grateful that she had forced him to change into more low-key clothing for the trip. She had probably planned to frequent such an establishment from the start.

They entered into a noisy room filled to the brim with wolves, crocodiles, boars, foxes, oxen, and gorillas- all of whom were clearly thieves, bandits, mercenaries and highway men. They all crowded around the room's tiny tables, dimly lit by hanging lanterns, laughing and making crude jokes while a harried-looking rabbit ran back and forth, waiting on them. Smoke hung in the air near the ceiling from the members of the crowd who happened to be enjoying pipes, and pretty much all of them had drinks in their hands. "This's gonna be fun," Lin observed.

"For you, perhaps," he huffed as another rabbit, presumably the waitress's husband, scurried up to them.

"W-welcome," he greeted shakily, and Shifu honestly couldn't blame him for his high-strung temperament. "A-are you here for- for-"

"For the night, yes," Shifu interrupted impatiently.

Lin slapped him on the arm, then addressed the rabbit in an uncharacteristically sweet voice. "You're gonna hafta excuse his rudeness, handsome."

"Handsome?" Shifu balked at the flirtatious nickname.

"Now don't be jealous, you'll have me all to yourself later," Lin laughed, pushing him a little, then turned back to their host. "We'll just take one room, ifya please."

"One room, right," the rabbit accepted, his voice slightly less shaky. "That'll be ten yuan."

Lin pouted like a disappointed child. "Oh my. I don't know if we even have ten yuan." They definitely had more than enough to pay for the room.

"I'm sorry." The proprietor didn't seem in the mood to haggle, though.

Lin regarded him carefully for a moment, then nudged Shifu toward an empty table near the corner of the room. "Go siddown, honey, I'll be right there."

He contemplated refusing, but she looked like she had a trick up her sleeve, so he nodded and walked away, keeping one ear trained in her direction just in case she needed him to step in. As he sat down, he also took the liberty of watching from the corner of his eye.

"Sir, surely you have a room for less than ten yuan," Lin insisted, still in her falsely sweet voice, then sidled a little closer to the rabbit.

"M-my wife and I need to make a living," the man argued.

"Your wife?" Blinking, Lin turned to look at the waitress. "Is that her?"

"Yes."

"What a lucky woman," she sighed as she blushed a bit. "And so beautiful." There was definitely a suggestive tone to her voice that Shifu did not like the sound of.

Apparently the proprietor of the inn did like it, though. "...I could spare a few jiao, perhaps."

"Liquor me up and I could spare something of my own," she replied, her voice returning to its normal forceful tone. "Strongest stuff y'got, please, and don't skimp."

"My wife will be with you shortly."

With a smug smile, Lin strutted over to the table and sat down next to Shifu. "And that is how you haggle."

"That was the sleaziest thing I have ever seen in my life," he huffed. "What are you going to do if he and his wife actually want to take you up on that shady offer of yours?"

"Then I guess you'll have the room to yourself," she answered casually.

"Ugh," he grunted. "I need a bath just hearing that."

"Don't knock it 'til you try it," she shot back as she pulled her long pipe out of her bag and began to stuff it.

He opened his mouth to reply when another female voice, overtly flirtatious with a hint of an accent from the southern provinces, sounded from behind him.

"My, my, my," the familiar voice observed. "I do believe my poor little eyes must be failing me."

He turned in his seat to see three female snow leopards garbed completely in black, their forms mostly hidden under cloaks, regarding him with a mixture of curiosity and smug enjoyment. "I am sorry, miss, you must have me mistaken for someone else."

Wu Bai, the most forward of the Wu Sisters, clucked her tongue. "Oh please," she dismissed, derision clear in her piercing blue eyes. "You're not fooling any of us with those robes and that stupid act-" she paused and lowered her voice to a purr- "Master Shifu. Why, you're as recognizable to us as a crocus to a honey bee."

He furrowed his brow at the analogy; while he had fought against the Wu Sisters alongside his students on multiple occasions, and thus been on the receiving end of Bai's flirtatious banter, he sometimes had trouble comprehending how over the top she could be. "I, uhm... Okay."

"Back off, Bai," the green-eyed sister admonished; she was the oldest of the three, Zhin. From her tall, slender form to the confident straightness of her back and shoulders, to her deep, silky voice she practically radiated authority. "We are trying to travel discreetly, remember?"

"But I am discreet, just look at me," Bai pouted.

"Attempting to hang a trapeze in your room is not discreet," she grumbled; she was the strategist of the group of assassins, and the most serious threat of the three, in Shifu's opinion- mainly because of the skill with which she wielded her deadly wind and fire wheels. She had once cut him so deep that she'd hit bone; that had been painful.

"You know what they say," the blue-eyed snow leopardess said with a jaunty swing of her hips. "Luck favors the prepared!"

Zhin crossed her arms, arching one brow. "Prepared for what, Bai? Raining men?"

Before Bai had time to angrily retort, their violet-eyed sister finally chimed in. "That reminds me of an ancient legend back in my hometown of Huhuhubei, about the day it rained hens."

"I'm going to stop you there, Qiang," Zhin cut in. "Part of the point of being an assassin is to be able to kill your target quickly."

"Wait a minute," Lin finally managed to get a word in edgewise. "Did she just say her hometown was called 'Huhuhubei?'" She furrowed her brow as she puffed on her pipe, which she had lit in the midst of the banter.

"That's right," Qiang, the improbably sweet and naive member of the group of assassins, answered happily. "Our town founders were the Hu brothers- triplets, to be exact. You see, they had traveled north from Shanghai to found the town, but they couldn't decide which brother to name the town after. They tried to settle their dispute with a traditional game of tofu hurling, but it ended up in a three-way tie."

Lin, thankfully, did not comment on the tofu hurling. "Wait- wouldn't it make sense, then, for them to use their given names in the town name?"

"They would have," she answered reasonably, "but then the town would have been called Huhuhuhuhuhubei, and everyone thought that that was just ridiculous."

"Shall I?" Bai asked, and Zhin gave a nod of consent. Then, without another word, she tore a wanted poster off the wall, rolled it up, and swatted Qiang over the head with it.

Zhin then cleared her throat. "Master Shifu," she nodded to him judiciously, then turned to Lin, "whoever you are; in the interest of keeping the peace and remaining discreet, why don't you join us for drinks?"

Shifu could only imagine the kind of bedlam that would erupt if Lin were given the chance to drink. "No, we couldn't possibly-"

"We insist," Bai cut in, then went so far as to take a seat next to him, pulling her chair uncomfortably close.

"I could go for a nice, stiff drink," Lin added, and before he knew it the five of them were seated together at the table and the waitress had bustled over to bring the drink Lin had ordered from the inn's owner.

Bai leaned forward, eyeing her comrades. "You know what I could really go for? Some of that coconut douhua we saw on the menu."

"No, we couldn't," Qiang protested, sounding scandalized at the very idea. "A rich dessert like that, at this time of night? We'll never get to bed."

"Speak for yourself." She winked at Shifu and he moved his chair a bit further away from her.

"To hell with it," Zhin concluded. "You only live once. Waitress, add three-"

"Make it five," Lin chimed in.

"-Five orders of coconut douhua."

He had to admit, it was difficult to imagine the three women before him now as the trio of deadly assassins he and the Five had faced off against. When they spoke amongst themselves, they seemed almost like regular sisters. Yet he knew for a fact that the three women, despite the name of their group, were not actually related by blood. They were simply a trio their master, Lady Wu, had rounded up and trained with the intention of passing on her deadly craft before her own demise. Shifu had been quite well-acquainted with Lady Wu and, unfortunately, the Wu Sisters knew far too much about him for his own comfort because of that acquaintanceship. He only hoped none of that information was not relayed to Lin at some point in the night.

"We are not looking for any trouble," Shifu informed the assassins levelly, hoping for the life of him that Lin didn't know who the snow leopards were.

Of course, she did. "The Wu Sisters?" she asked him once the waitress had left, sounding rather incredulous. "I gotta say, Shifu, I am pleasantly surprised."

"We are by no means on friendly terms," he argued.

"Really? 'Cause that's not what it looks like, especially with Bai-"

"Lin, we need to talk." He yanked the giant mug of alcohol she'd been about to chug from her hand, grabbed her by the arm, and dragged her out of hearing distance. "You need to promise me you will not make trouble with these women," he hissed.

She looked indignant, though he suspected that was mainly because he had taken her drink away from her. "Why would I make trouble with a bunch of notorious assassins?"

He gave her a flat look which spoke volumes.

"...Okay, in some circumstances I might, for fun."

He made no comment on her definition of "fun."

"Anyway, you really think I'd blow our cover like that? In a place like this? I'm not an idiot, Shifu." She actually sounded insulted. "Although, say I did do something stupid- you could take 'em, right?"

He rolled his eyes. "I do not know if I could handle all three of them on my own." There was once a time when it would have been, if not easy, at least possible. Unfortunately, he was not as spry as he used to be.

"Relax, I'll be good," she assured him, though he didn't feel particularly reassured.

"You had better," huffed as he followed her back to the table, and they joined the Wu Sisters in the midst of some sort of argument that had begun between them.

"You are full of yourself," Zhin accused Bai. "I refuse to believe you have been with so many men."

"That sounds a bit like someone I know," Shifu grumbled, earning himself an elbow in the side from Lin.

"You have no clue how many men have fallen to my doe-eyed beauty," Bai sniffed indignantly.

"Doe-eyed?" Qiang suddenly interrupted in her usual innocent, cheerful tone. "And all this time I've been telling people you were dough-thighed!"

"That, too," Zhin replied.

"Oh, look who's talking, Attila," Bai snapped.

Lin slowly turned to Shifu and leveled him with a long, deadpan stare. "These three," she informed him, "are the deadly assassins that you were worried you could not handle."

"Shut up," he hissed back, then turned to the Wu Sisters and cleared his throat. "Ladies, if you could reign it in, please?"

"Of course," Zhin accepted judiciously, though she still shot a glare toward Bai. "For you, Master Shifu, anything."

He found that particular assertion rather ironic, considering their past.

"Why?" Bai sniffed. "It's not like he's got any cake on him."

"I will punch your heart out," Zhin growled.

Shifu cleared his throat to once again interrupt the fight. "I cannot help but feel ominous about this particular meeting," he informed them; after all, he still had no idea why they were being so... Diplomatic. With him, at least, if not with each other.

"You worry too much," Lin dismissed before she somehow managed to chug her drink with her pipe still in her mouth, prompting him to wrinkle his nose at the sight. Despite the fact that it was the size of her head, she finished the entire mug with a smack of her lips, then gestured to the waitress for a refill. "Clearly, they're trying to keep their heads down. They can't do that if they pick a fight with you, now can they?"

"That's right!" Qiang confirmed happily. "How did you know? Say, were you listening in when Bai and Zhin were fighting over who got to flirt with Shifu?"

Bai and Zhin both looked like they were ready to kill Qiang, before the green-eyed sister leaned forward and calmly informed them, "Qiang was dropped on her head as a child... And just yesterday, as well. Please disregard everything she says."

"But-"

"Everything," she repeated.

After a short, uncomfortable silence, Lin leaned over and muttered into Shifu's ear, "What is it with you and snow leopards?"

He kicked her under the table, then cleared his throat. "I don't believe I have introduced you to Lin yet, how rude of me," he rushed out.

"We were wondering when you were going to introduce your lady friend," Bai replied. "We were unaware that you were... Attached."

"Especially since you were dressed like a man," Qiang directed at Lin with complete naivety.

"We are not 'attached,'" Shifu argued, worried that Lin might play along a little too well if he let the assassins think otherwise.

"Yet," Lin added as the waitress returned with a tray full of douhua and another giant mug of alcohol for her. Of course, she took a huge gulp of the stuff the moment it hit the table, while the Wu Sisters all dug into their pudding.

He still felt the whole scene was somewhat surreal. "So I assume from your desire to keep a low profile that you are in the midst of a job?" He poked at his own dessert, wondering if he could trust it.

Lin didn't seem to have the same problem, as she took a gigantic bite and, embarrassingly enough, moaned in pleasure as she chewed.

"Not at all," Zhin replied, not that he believed her.

"That's right, work's been so slow lately," Qiang sighed. "Maybe it's because people are finally learning to get along. It reminds me of the story of Li Cheng, the town grump-"

Zhin interrupted the woman by outright slapping a hand over her mouth. "One more word, Qiang," she warned, "and you will be my next assignment."

"Well, at the very least we'll be getting a lot more business in soon, won't we girls?" Bai sighed, ignoring the other women's bickering as she leaned her head on her hand and scanned the room, her gaze landing once again on Shifu with a smile that made him extremely uncomfortable.

"Oh I can't wait to get back to work," Qiang added, bouncing in her seat in her excitement. "I hate feeling useless and inactive... Almost as much as I hate bee stings, or people who don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them."

Zhin eyed her as if it were unbelievable that she even existed. "The world in which you live must be a truly horrific place," she commented, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Surely you are not speaking to me about some plan of yours," Shifu cut in to the conversation, confused by what Bai had mentioned. This "business" she had spoken of must be related to some sort of plot or event he'd yet to hear of.

"Plan?" Zhin asked, this time turning her incredulous gaze on him. "Surely you've heard by now of what's happened in Bengal?"

"Of course," Shifu lied through his teeth, because he doubted admitting his ignorance could end well. He glanced sideways at Lin, who'd remained suspiciously quiet on the subject, and managed to catch her eye before she looked down into her drink. She clearly knew something. "How could I have missed the connection?"

"Most people aren't concerning themselves with all that business," Bai assured him with a dismissive wave of her hand. "But we know what it all means." She bit her lip as she began to trace the edge of her glass with one finger, a somewhat dreamy look crossing her face. "It'll only be a matter of time before those strapping young British soldiers come marching across that border."

"And then we can kill them for money," Zhin added evenly.

"And learn some new recipes!" Qiang chimed in, earning herself exasperated looks.

Shifu, meanwhile, was trying to process what he'd just heard. "You have information regarding an invasion?" he pressed, glancing once more toward Lin; she already knew precisely what the sisters were talking about, he was sure of it.

"We don't have anything new to add," Bai dismissed with a wave of her hand. "We'll all just have to wait and see what those crazy westerners decide to do."

Lin snorted, and Shifu assumed it was because she herself was a "crazy westerner."

"I see," he cut in before she could say anything troublesome. "You have no more information for us?"

"Unfortunately, no," Zhin replied firmly. "So tell us, what brings an esteemed master like you out to our neck of the woods?"

"We're going to Shanghai," Lin answered, before Shifu had a chance to be evasive. He glared at her, but she didn't seem to notice.

"And the rest of that information is private," he informed the women, before Lin drunkenly spilled every detail of their trip.

"Interesting," Bai commented, raising her eyebrows as her gaze shifted back and forth between the two of them. "And very unexpected."

"What's unexpected?" Qiang asked vacantly.

"We'll tell you when you're older," Zhin dismissed, throwing a few jiao onto the table. "I think it's about time we left you two to your own devices."

"Yeah, we should get to bed, anyway," Lin agreed, ignoring the dirty subtext that could be read into the statement.

"We don't plan to get in your way this time," she informed Shifu as the three snow leopards stood and pulled their flowing black cloaks tighter around their bodies to prepare for the cold. "And out of respect for our dear departed master, we'll try to stay clear of the Valley of Peace until your return."

"You will?" he asked suspiciously; of course, he didn't trust anything a single one of them said.

"That's right, lover-boy," Bai confirmed cheerfully, giving him a flirtatious pinch on the cheek. "You always were the old lady's favorite. Heaven only knows why, but maybe you'll show me your secret some day."

Qiang even bowed to him, though she had never quite been all there. "Next time you're in our area, let us know! I'll make you some of my award-winning honey nut syrup cakes."

"Now, Qiang," Zhin scolded as she herded her two sisters in arms toward the door, "it's rude to part ways with a threat."

Shifu caught a brief glance of the scandalized look on Qiang's face before the three women walked out the door and presumably disappeared into the night.

"That was an unusual goodbye, lover-boy," Lin commented as she took a gulp from her mug and eyed him curiously. "What was it all about?"

He debated on the wisdom of divulging that particular part of his past to her; it was a little scandalous, after all, though she had probably already deduced as much from the comments the Wu Sisters had made. "You have your secrets, and I have mine." If he was going to tell her, he might as well bargain for a trade.

"I guess it's an ex-girlfriend, huh? Sorry to hear about the 'departed' part." She gave him a pat on the arm as consolation, then returned her attention to her drink, as if she had completely lost interest.

"Wait- you don't want to know about it?" he asked, a little offended that she'd been so easily bored by him.

"Part of me wants to know," she admitted. "But the rest of me knows better 'an to dig up old girlfriends."

"Why is that?"

"'Cause it's nothing but trouble."

He found it rather ironic that Lin, of all people, wanted to avoid trouble. "...You really do not want to know anything about my past? At all?"

"I didn't say that." She finished off her drink, then finally gave him her full attention. "It's just that I don't need to hear about your past relationships. Lord knows I wouldn't wanna tellya about all of mine. And like I said, it's nothing but trouble."

"Admit it, you just assume that I have never had any interesting relationships," he grumbled, well aware of how stodgy and boring she thought he was.

She shrugged. "No, I just assume other people's relationships in general are boring."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, though he doubted it would do any good; after all, he had been on the road with Lin for over a week, and if his headache hadn't subsided already it never would. "Perhaps we should call it a night," he suggested.

"Sure, it's not like I got anymore alcohol in front of me."

"You truly are poetic," he grumbled as he dropped some coins on the table and stood up. "So... We are sharing a room."

"Too late to get two of 'em now," she replied nonchalantly, then accosted the inn's proprietor to lead them up the stairs to their room.

"Of course it is," he muttered, though once they reached the room in question he was glad to see that it was at least a large one. "You may have the bed," he dismissed. "I prefer to sleep on hard surfaces."

She leapt onto the bed before he had even finished the sentence and kicked her shoes off. "Yeah, I prefer to be awake when I'm on hard surfaces."

He wasn't in the mood to trade barbs with her, so he settled on a simple, "Ew." As he pulled his blanket out of his bag and began arranging it on the floor, he could feel her watching him.

"You can use my blanket ifya want," she offered.

"I do, thank you."

She yanked the tightly folded and rolled cloth out of her bag, but hesitated in handing it over to him. "You okay?" she suddenly asked, eyeing him critically.

He hadn't been aware that he'd been acting at all out of the ordinary, though Lin could be shrewdly observant when she wanted to be. "My hip is hurting a little," he told her, though it wasn't any more sore than usual after a long day of travel; in reality, he was actually wondering how much Lin knew about the international activities the Wu Sisters had mentioned. Still, he knew that it would not be wise to bring it up until the morning, after she'd been well-rested and fed.

"I know a trick for that," she offered, though he couldn't shake his skepticism.

He stopped fussing with his blanket and sat back on his heels, raising an eyebrow at her. "It isn't the kind of trick that involves you breaking my finger, is it?"

"Naw, I don't do that to people anymore," she dismissed, though he suspected she was probably joking.

He hoped she was joking, anyway. "Alright, I give in. What is your trick?"

"First, siddown," she ordered, and against his better judgment he did as he was told. "Okay, now close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose."

He followed her instructions, waiting for her to tell him the next step, but she remained silent. Just as he was about to ask her what he should do next, he felt her lips press against his. He really should have seen it coming- he was an idiot for not suspecting anything- but at the same time she was a really good kisser.

Her lips were rough and chapped, and she still tasted like coconut and alcohol from their meal. And for a brief moment, he was thirty-something again, with a hopeful future and a woman who loved him. It felt so soft and warm and right that he could have kissed her for an eternity, he could have his lips glued to hers and he would be perfectly content. And when she slid her tongue into his mouth and started doing things with it he'd only ever dreamed of, he couldn't remember why he'd been annoyed in the first place.

All too soon, she pulled away. "How's your hip feeling now?" she breathed.

"What hip?" he asked dazedly.

"See? All better." With that, she crawled back to the bed and flopped down onto her stomach. "G'night."

He stared at her for a moment, stunned, before he made his anger known. "You are unbelievable!"

"I know," she yawned, apparently unconcerned.

"Why I even agreed to take this trip with you, I have no idea!"

"That makes two of us."

"Don't you start that with me!" He had a feeling that he was going to drop dead of an aneurysm before they even reached Shanghai. "Why did you kiss me?"

"This's just like you," she sighed. "Always asking 'why.' What's it matter? Will knowing why change anything? Will it makeya happier?"

"Yes!" He watched as she burrowed into her blankets in an attempt to avoid the conversation, then stormed over and yanked the blankets off of her. "This is not over," he insisted. "Not even remotely!"

"Fine, you can share the bed," she huffed, sliding over to make room for him.

"Are you even listening to me?" He sat on the bed anyway, since it seemed like it was the only way he would be able to get her attention. "I tolerate a lot of your comments and come-ons, but you cannot kiss me and then act as though nothing happened."

"Don't kissya, got it," she replied, giving him a thumbs up in lieu of actually facing him.

"That is not what I meant!" He grabbed her and rolled her over to actually look her in the face, but the way she blinked up at him and blushed made him realize exactly the kind of impression he was giving off, sitting in bed with her and holding her by the shoulders, insisting that they talk about a kiss. "Nevermind," he rushed out as his face slowly turned a bright shade of red and he scrambled to get off the bed. "I- you- goodnight."

"You're such a weirdo," she grumbled, then grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back onto the bed. "Now get some sleep." She pushed him down onto his back and kissed him again, then threw half her blankets over him. "G'night."

He wanted to grab hold of her and pull her close, to kiss her again, to explore every last inch of her body. Instead, he awkwardly rearranged the blankets and settled into bed. "...Goodnight."

She rolled over and, with a loud yawn, draped an arm over his stomach.

He didn't think he'd ever get to sleep, yet somehow he managed to eventually drift off- only to have a series of dreams all of which prominently featured Lin's admittedly attractive behind.

---

The floorboards of the barracks hallway squeaked treacherously underneath the weight of the kung fu warrior on top of them, and he paused, waiting for someone to wake up and catch him. When nothing happened, Po let out a quiet sigh of relief. It wasn't often that he woke up with a late-night craving, not since he'd begun practicing kung fu, but he still didn't want anyone to know. Everyone had their little secrets, at least his was innocent enough. Still, Shifu would probably get mad if he knew about the habit- and probably go off on a rant about discipline and self-control. Even Po had to admit he didn't have much in the way of self-control.

He stopped in front of the kitchen door, staring. There was still time to walk away. All he had to do was turn around and go back to bed. He'd probably end up sitting up all night, daydreaming about dumplings.

He turned away from the kitchen doors and headed outside. A little fresh air couldn't hurt, and if he was still hungry after his walk, he'd grab a bite to eat. That seemed like good compromise. It would at least give him a chance to try to distract himself from his cravings. And if there was one thing in the world that could take his mind off of food, it was kung fu, so he headed to the Hall of Warriors. He'd been counting on some solitary contemplation (and geeking out), but was surprised to find he wasn't the only one in the mood to visit the hall so late at night.

Tigress stood at the library of scrolls, completely engrossed in one. She'd lit some of the candles surrounding the moon pool and was reading by their light, which reflected off her fur and gave it a soft golden glow. Tigress was a beautiful woman, of course- no one in their right mind would deny it- but sometimes it just hit Po, like a bag of bricks.

"Um- uh- hi," he called out, watching as she jumped a little bit in surprise, fumbling with the scroll. He'd never caught her by surprise before, and he honestly hadn't expected her reaction to be so... Regular. It was kind of nice.

"Po!" She quickly rolled the scroll closed, then held it behind her back. "Your training is starting to pay off. A month ago I would have heard you a mile away."

"Yeah," he agreed nervously as he approached. "I mean, I guess it comes with bein' the Dragon Warrior an' all. Y'know, havin'... Kung fu skills..."

"Yes, Po," she replied, looking at him weirdly. "I do know what it's like to have kung fu skills."

"I didn't mean it like that!" he corrected quickly. "I mean, of course you know what it's like to have kung fu skills, you're the Master Tigress, I have action figures of you!" He immediately realized how creepy that sounded. "I mean, not just you, I got everyone from the Five, but you were always my favorite. Oh, gods, no- I mean as a fan, I thought you were the coolest, but it's not like I ever had a crush on ya or somethin'... Not that there's anything wrong with ya, it's just... I'm just respectful like that. Very respectful."

Tigress watched him through his whole awkward speech, blinking in confusion. After a moment of silence, she cleared her throat. "I see."

"We could just forget I ever said anything," he suggested hopefully.

"Yes," she quickly agreed. "That would be good."

"Right. Awesome." He glanced down at the scroll still in her hands, desperate for a change of subject. "So..." He gestured to the scroll. "More nerve attacks?"

"Hm?" She looked down at the scroll, then back up to him, her eyes widening a little bit. "No- I- it's, uhm- how did you know?"

"What else would ya be sneakin' around for?"

"Don't tell anyone," she suddenly ordered, shooting him a forceful glare with her fiery eyes.

"M'kay," he agreed, blinking in surprise at the order. "Ya don't want Shifu findin' out?"

"What I do while Shifu is gone is nobody's business," she replied stiffly. "I am spending some time focusing on me."

He wasn't used to Tigress blatantly disobeying their master's orders (unless it involved barreling headlong into danger), but he supposed it was only a matter of time. He was familiar with the story of how she had come to be Shifu's student and his daughter, and the distance between the two was obvious to anyone who so much as glanced at them. "Y'know, I think it's cool that you're finally doin' somethin' for yourself."

She blinked back at him as if that had been the last response she had expected. "You do?"

"Yeah!" he confirmed. "I mean, I know how it is, always tryin' to please other people. My dad always wanted me to love noodles, but I love kung fu, y'know?"

"Not everyone is you, Po," she replied harshly, then turned around and shoved the scroll back onto its shelf.

Po couldn't help but feel a little hurt at the outburst, but he tried his best not to take it too personally; it took Tigress a long time to see that people were on her side, if she ever did at all. "Sorry," he muttered, letting out an awkward cough. "I just... I wanted to let ya know I understand. That's all."

"Hmph," she grumbled, staring at the library of scrolls. "..I probably shouldn't have snapped at you."

"Hey, it is what it is." He gave a casual shrug, smiling at her.

She didn't smile back, not that that was anything new.

"So, nerve attacks. Ya get anywhere with 'em yet?"

"The problem with nerve attacks is that I need someone to practice with."

"You mean someone to practice on," he corrected. "I'd offer, but..." He patted his stomach. "It's kinda hard to find my nerve points under all this fur." He grimaced as he said it; he knew of course, that pandas were supposed to be built like him, but still... A round face and a big belly didn't exactly scream "kung fu warrior."

"Don't make that face," Tigress scolded, catching him by surprise. "You can't change it any more than I can change my stripes- though your health won't hold out for long if you keep eating so much oil and salt."

He blushed in embarrassment; he hadn't thought Tigress had noticed his eating habits.

"Anyway, your 'fur' may not look cool like you think the Dragon Warrior should, but it is an advantage in battle, and that's all you should care about."

"Um... Thanks." He had to admit, the last person he'd expected to give him a pep talk was Tigress. "You're uhm... You're really... Well, thanks. Aheh."

"Don't thank me," she ordered. "That wasn't a compliment, it was an observation."

"Oh, sorry." Sometimes he wondered if Tigress ever relaxed, even a little bit. If she did, he doubted she'd let him see it. "Y'know, ya don't seem very happy most of the time. Just an observation."

"Don't push it, panda."

"Yes'm." He twiddled his thumbs sheepishly at the glare she shot him. He'd probably been a little too forward with her, but he wasn't the most socially skilled person in the world.

"Just because I don't joke around and act like a giant goofball doesn't mean I'm unhappy. I'm as happy as the next person."

"Okay, good," he accepted. "So, uhm, back to nerve attacks." He didn't want the conversation to get too awkward.

"I don't think you're ready yet, Po." She'd practically read his mind with that one. "Maybe in another few months."

"Months?" he choked out, shocked that she thought he'd ever be ready at all, let alone in less than a year.

"What, that's too long for you?" She raised an eyebrow at him, much in the way Shifu would.

"N-no," he stuttered out, still flattered by her overestimation of his skills. "It seems soon, doesn't it?"

"Well that all depends on what Shifu thinks. You are a fast learner, though." She eyed him critically for a moment. "Maybe a little too fast."

"Huh?" He wondered how it could possibly be a bad thing for someone to learn quickly. "What's that mean?"

"Sometimes I wonder-" She paused, pressing her lips together the way she always did when she was annoyed or unsure.

"Go on," he prompted. "I don't mind. I mean, how'm I supposed to improve if I dunno what my faults are?"

She hesitated, then nodded in agreement. "Sometimes I wonder if you appreciate how gifted you are." She took him by surprise with that one. "In weeks you were able to defeat Tai Lung, something I failed to do after a lifetime of training. And now, you'll be ready to learn nerve strikes in a few months, and Master Shifu doesn't think I'm ready yet."

"Maybe he just doesn't wanna teach it to anyone," Po reasoned. "Maybe he's afraid it'll be like Tai Lung all over again."

"I am nothing like Tai Lung!" she snarled, her fur bristling.

"Whoa, hey, that's not what I meant!" he protested, shrinking back a little bit; Tigress could really scare the crap out of him, sometimes. "I just meant, y'know, Shifu's not gonna change overnight. He's still gonna be a little, uh... Y'know. Him."

"Sure," she scoffed.

"There's no reason to be so negative."

"You don't need to lecture me," she shot back. "I've had enough of that for a lifetime."

"Sorry." He wished he could think of something less awkward to say, but he wasn't exactly the best conversationalist around. "So..."

"Do you think I'm out of line?" she suddenly asked.

"Uh." He wasn't exactly in a position to tell Tigress how to behave. But, he understood that kung fu was her life, and that learning nerve strikes was important to her. "I think you're gonna do something if your heart's set on it, and that no one can stop ya. If it's outta line, or it's not the right thing to do, you'll learn it on your own. But you'll never find that out if ya walk away."

She stared at him a moment, and he could have sworn she looked almost grateful. The look faded quickly, though, and she was back to normal soon enough. "Alright, then."

"Okay," he accepted, and they stood in uncomfortable silence while he swung his arms back and forth, trying to come up with something to say.

"So I'm getting tired," Tigress blurted out. "So... Goodnight."

"Oh, okay," Po agreed, taking a step back. "Okay. Goodnight." He headed for the door, but it was kind of a long walk and he couldn't help but turn around. "Sleep tight," he added. "Later, I mean. When ya... Get to bed. Not that I would ever thinka that kinda thing, but uh- don't let the bed bugs bite. But I don't actually think ya'd have bed bugs, you're a very clean individual. In a good way, o' course. I mean, there's no bad way to be clean, unless you're obsessed with it, and you're not... So... You're all good."

"Goodnight, Po," she repeated, an exasperated note in her voice.

"Right," he mumbled as he reached the door, blushing in his embarrassment. "G'night." He managed to get out of the hall without saying anything else weird or stupid, thankfully.

As he headed back to the barracks, though, he couldn't help but marvel at how well the conversation had gone. Tigress had opened up to him more than she ever had before, and it had felt good to have enough of her regard to be able to talk to her like... Well, almost like a friend. Maybe he'd somehow finally gotten on her good side. Or maybe she was coming down with a cold something. In any case, he'd enjoyed their conversation.

As he settled back into bed, he realized that he hadn't eaten a thing. He marveled at that fact for a moment, then got up again. A little fruit never hurt anyone.

---

A/N: Oh, Shifu. When are you going to learn that no matter what you do, Lin will always be right- even when she's wrong? :P

Anyway, there are a lot of references in this chapter- let's see if I can remember them all. The chapter title is another Lin Yutang quote. Chen's "see, ya think I give a shit" line is from the famed twitter account, Shit My Dad Says. Meanwhile, Lin's line, "I am this close to punching you in the dick" is from the Showtime series Shameless. Shifu's reference to mistaking sneezing powder for hair-restorer is a reference to the KFP MMORPG (because I am such a winner with so much of a life). The inn I'm sure you'll recognize from the dream sequence in the beginning of the movie. And, finally, you might have noticed that I took inspiration from the Golden Girls for the Wu Sisters. Why? I thought it was funny.

In our next installment, the adventures continue- all the way to Shanghai.