A/N So for this chapter I decided to really focus on Steve. We are all waiting for him to just open up and say what is on his mind, admit that he needs time to heal so here goes …

Disclaimer- I don't own Hawaii Five 0 just my imaginative twist to the tale.

Danny POV

After Steve opened up and gave me an insight to what was really going on in his mind I made the decision to keep him talking, every little thought and worry. As they say the flood gates had opened. We made it back to Steve's and he got out of the car, he went to close the door as he said

"Thanks for the lift home Danno."

"Wow wow … you're not getting out of it that easily, I'm coming in"

He just stood there leaning on one leg looking at me, his eye brow raised

"You have been nagging at me all day to come home and rest and now that I am here you want to come in and no doubt talk my ear off?"

"Yes and no … what I mean is, that you are going to rest but you are also going to talk. Steve you just opened up about what happened, even though it was just a little I think that now you have opened up that much that it would be a good time to get it all out"

He remained still and silent, but then he nodded and made his way towards the house hobbling along. I was silently hoping as I followed him in that this would be a step in the right direction. He went straight to the fridge and got two beers and came back to the sofa where I was already sitting, it was awkward but we both knew that this needed to be done.

"Steve about Jenna, I know you had to watch her get shot. I won't pretend that I know how you're feeling right now because I don't. She chose to save you over herself, it was her final wish and I don't think you should feel guilty about it, I'm not speaking ill of the dead but she chose that path when she decided to bring you into it."

I felt horrible for saying it but he needed to see that he was not taking the blame for her death. A few moments of silence hung between us. I didn't rush him to speak again; there is a big difference between the two of us. He takes time to think about what he wants to say, to organise his thoughts whereas I just come out and say it as it comes into my head.

"I don't think I feel guilty exactly, I feel … lucky I guess. Lucky that she realised it was her doing that put us in that situation, lucky that as soon as it came down to it she'd rather be dead and with Josh than alive without him and responsible for my death. I mean I feel guilty I'm just not sure what about exactly"

We both sat a few moments letting the words sink in, drinking our beer. It felt as though he was talking more to himself than me.

"I hate to admit this, and Danny please understand that I would never admit this to anyone else apart from you, it goes against everything I've been trained for. I've been through torture before but this time, by him it was different. With each kick and punch I just wanted it to end, so desperately I wanted it to be over. I fear that if I had have had the information he was looking for that I would have told him, just so it end. What sort of man does that make me? What sort of Navy man could be so cowardly like that?"

He actually hung his head in shame! I was in total disbelief, here was a man who fought arm and leg for his country, seen things that would put most of us in straight-jackets and he's sitting here in shame because he wanted the pain to stop?

"Steve it makes you human. You are not indestructible, you get hurt, you bleed and you feel pain. You have fought for your country; you cannot be expected to face everything in your life like a Navy man. You need to live like a normal man too, you need to live like a free man, feel emotions like a free man. When you're in pain show it, if you're afraid talk to me, when you need help ask for it!"

He looked me in the eye, a look of hope on his face. I always thought him to be so strong and confident but now I see him as a scared man, feeling emotions he never knew he could and not being able to deal with them. He was looking reassurance from me, for me to tell him that it would be okay that he is not to blame.

"Steve there is no reason for you to think any less of yourself! You put your life on the line to help a friend, you done everything and anything anyone could ask for!"

He shook his head, drained the rest of his beer and held his head between his hands.

"Danny I can't get the image out of my head, the look she gave me, silently asking for forgiveness. I didn't even get to tell her I forgave her before he shot her!"

Just when I thought this broken man couldn't break any more his shoulders started to shake

"I watched as she looked him in the eye, fearless. Waiting for the bullet to come, to watch it coming to her, she died strong. She had more strength than I did, she didn't beg or grovel, I could see it in her eyes the determination to not show one hint of fear. Whereas I was weak, I prayed for the pain to end, prayed to remember if I had heard anything about Shelburne so I could tell him, she was more of a SEAL than I was."

He looked up, his eyes red and full of tears.

"She was strong because she had accepted that the only way for her to be with Josh was to die, she wouldn't show fear because she was being strong for you. No-one I know could ever be more of a SEAL than you, you are brave and mostly reckless but you do what has to be done to save lives. If anyone was in the situation you were in they would be the same, most would sell their own mother if they thought it would get them out of it. Steve you felt fear, pure terrorising fear, those thoughts of giving him the information flooded you're mind because you had nothing to give. I could almost bet my entire savings that if you had the information he wanted you wouldn't have gave it to him. You would have realised that as long as you knew what he didn't you had a bargaining chip, Steve you wouldn't have told him anything I know that, and deep down so do you."

He shook his head

"No Danny I can't solidly say that I wouldn't have told him. I can't sit here and swear on all that I believe in that I would have kept my mouth shut!"

I was glad he was opening up to me but it seemed as if he was expecting everything to get better right away, for him to talk about it and get over it. I don't know if he realised just how much time it would take to put this behind him.

He went for another beer and I used that moment to ring Kono

"Kono, I'm not going to make it back for a while. I need you all to take charge of the case and ring the governor to inform him to forward all calls to you. Keep me updated?"

"Of course Danny, how's Steve?"

"Talking, letting it all go"

"Okay, we're here if you need us"

I hung up just as he walked back into the room, his eyes still red but no longer filled with tears, I guessed he let them go when he was alone in the kitchen, let them fall for Jenna. I gave him a few minutes before I said anything.

"Kono and the others are taking charge of the case, I am staying here with you buddy. I am here for you through all of this."

We toasted Jenna with our bottles, we drank them in silence just remembering all the memories we had shared with her and tried to not let recent events taint them. Personally I owed Jenna my life, she saved me from the anthrax only for her I'd be dead. I cannot think too badly of her, I guess it's the fresh wound she has created that is making me think badly of her; I do not and will not ever know what was going through her head. I only wish she had have been honest with us, told us Wo Fat wanted Steve for Josh, at least then we could have planned something. Let Steve be captured but at least we would have been there to get Jenna and Josh out then go back for him. I know that thinking about what ifs' now isn't helping but I can't help but wonder how different this could all have been.

I could tell Steve was starting to close off from me, he became completely silent no longer willing to tell me what was on his mind.

"Steve maybe we should call Cath? Get her to take leave and come to stay with you"

He shook his head,

"No Danny what's the point? It's over now I'm home and I'm alive there is nothing she can do."

"Nothing she can do? Steve having Cath here is exactly what you need, you need someone you have a deep emotional connection with, someone who knows you in ways the rest of us don't and won't for that matter, you may try and deny that there is a relationship between you too but you know deep down that she is the one person you can always trust, and can always open up too. She'll be here for you when you wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares, nightmares that you know will come, forcing you to relive it over and over."

"How long do I have to live with this? How am I supposed to just walk around as if it never happened?"

"Steve I can't answer that, I can't tell you that you'll wake up some day and your world will be back to normal because that is never going to happen. You'll always second guess a decision that may lead you to the same situation but someday you will realise that it is easier to live with, you'll find yourself thinking about it less and less until someday it is just a distant memory."

He nodded

"It's like losing my parents over again, learning to live without them, having to adapt"

"It is similar but also different, after this Steve you have even more reason to find the bastard. To make him pay for all that he has done. You know that you're just one of many people that Wo Fat has hurt."

"Danno, I don't think it's Cath I need to help me through this. I can tell you things I can't tell to anyone else, I don't know why that is maybe because I trust you with my life and I know you have my back. I know when I tell you something you won't judge me without trying to understand."

"That was beautiful babe. I'm all up for our bromance and talking stuff out but don't you think you should at least save that for the wedding night?"

He smiled a small genuine smile. It was something I thought I wouldn't see for a while, maybe there is a little part of the old him still inside, fighting to get out, fighting to take control of him again but until it does it looks like there will be a lot more conversations like this. A lot more evenings spend trying to sort out his head and a lot more beers to be drank.

A/N Okay, I would love to hear your thoughts about this, I felt so nervous writing this trying to imagine what Steve's thoughts would be like after going through an ordeal like that and also trying to imagine Danny's approach.

Review or pm me your thoughts or even criticism

Thanks

Love2bdifferent x