TMNT= Not mine. It's been ages. Personally, I blame Tauni for dragging me out into another fandom. Er. The usual warnings about how babies are made and what not. Crack. Miracle babies and pregnancies. Insanity. Enjoy.

Chapter Seven

So adorable they will rule the world

It took Leo and Mikey about twenty minutes to roofhop to the Foot tower. Leo had complained bitterly the entire way there.

"How could Don have slept with Karai!"

"They both have more honour that that! What were they thinking?"

"Karai is the enemy! I can't believe he'd sleep with her! She must have drugged him!"

"Did he sound drugged out to you?" Mikey asked, inwardly fuming at the damage Leo had done to his wrist when he'd dragged him off to pick up Don.

"….No," Leo muttered sullenly. For a few moments he was blissfully silent and then he piped up indignantly, "Why would Karai want to sleep with Don anyway?"

"Don's a manwhore," Mikey replied wisely, "That's just their nature. You should be happy anyway."

Leo swelled angrily, "Happy? What is there to be happy about this situation?"

"Well, he got laid!" his brother said cheerfully, "That's like, pretty awesome, given that we were planning to spend the rest of our lives as virgins. Also, he took back his energy from Benjamin the turtle slut, so we're a quarter way through getting rid of the guy already!"

"But he did it with Karai!"

"Well, name any other human female that we know. Gotta say our options are pretty limited, cuz I love April like a sister not to mention there's Casey to think about. Karai is pretty much it."

Leo froze at his words, Mikey continued for a couple of steps then realised his brother had decided to mentally vacate the premises. "Bro, what is your issue with Karai? Is this the whole I-must-defend-my-father's-honour-thing again?" he asked, watching Leo twitch mindlessly for a few minutes. "Hey. You're ignoring the Mikester, which is completely uncool. Leo? Leeeo? Bro?"

Mikey rocked back on his heels as he contemplated his brother. "Or is this about the crush you totally don't have on Karai?" he asked, brightly. "Now you're super pissed cuz your bro and your potential love interest did it behind your back, right?"

The words seemed to jar Leo back to the living. "Don't be ridiculous," Leo monotoned flatly. "I have just remembered that Karai and I had a game of Halo arranged for tonight and something tells me neither of us are going to be able to make it."

The nunchuck wielder blinked. "Is that who xxxBushidotothefacexxx is!" he snapped his fingers in realization. "So, your problem is that Don did Karai, your gamer buddy, not Karai in general."

Leo's beak twisted in sullen resentment. "If Don kills my gaming life, there will be lots of pain."

"That….was incredibly quick," Don muttered in confusion as he stood by the door of Karai's bedroom.

"The sex or the pregnancy?" Karai questioned as she gazed down on the face of her newborn turtle hybrid.

"Oh, definitely the pregnancy, I mean, I'd only just left the bed and got over here when you went into labour." Don rocked backwards on his feet then carefully retreated from the room. "It doesn't make sense. Why isn't the baby horribly deformed? Why is it even alive? How come the gestation only took TEN SECONDS?"

He would have received a ninja star in the face for these questions but he'd very sensibly placed a wall between Karai and himself. "If it's not too much of a bother, I don't suppose you'd mind if I could run some experim-"

A blade slice through the wall beside Donatello's head and he quickly desisted with that line of questioning. How exactly the blade managed to cut through very solid, reinforced metal was a question best left unanswered but various sources attributed the many mystic properties of a 'ninja blade' as the most probable answer. If the sword was capable of reflecting weapon fire, it damn well was capable of cutting whatever material it wanted to when it put its mind to it, no matter what physics said on the matter.

"We," Karai's voice was a deadly, menacing whisper, "Have concluded our business here. You have got what you wanted; you are a master ninja now. My men will not stand a chance against you the next time we battle (she received a condescending snort for that comment, as if they'd ever stood a chance against any of the turtles). I will take my child and raise him to enjoy the fine art of stamp collecting. You will leave now and never bother the two of us again. No one shall bother my child, NO ONE!"

"O-okay," Donatello agreed amiably. He took a step back-

"And tell Leonardo that I'm afraid our Halo games are on infinite hold in the foreseeable future."

Determined not to dwell on that particular ominous note Don retreated from her room, politely nodding in acknowledgement as he passed a troop of Foot ninjas playing with a Lego set and, as he turned down the next hallway, was promptly body slammed and dragged into an empty room by a pair of mysterious assailants.

"Donatello Hamato, what the shell is going on here?" his eldest brother demanded furiously as Mikey fiddled with the lock to ensure some temporary privacy.

"Which version do you want?" Don asked woozily. "The one that makes sense or the one that doesn't?"

"The one that makes sense please," Michelangelo chimed in pleasantly.

Donatello glared balefully in response. "There isn't one. What were you guys going on about when you called me?"

"Never mind that, why were you having sex with Karai?" Leo demanded.

"She asked," he replied flatly.

"And you….just said yes?" the katana wielding turtle was looking rather ill at the situation.

"Would you have said no?" Don retorted. His brothers exchanged a long glance as they thought it over and eventually shook their heads. Boys would be boys regardless of whether said boys were giant mutated turtles apparently. "I thought so. Look, Karai actually wanted you to father her mutant abnormality but she couldn't find you so any problems you have with this situation are all your fault."

"My fault?" Leo spluttered in confusion. "How the heck does that even work?"

"Well, you wouldn't be having any problems with your actions had you been the one to sleep with her, would you now?" Don pointed out logically.

As Leo muttered choked on indignant confusion, Mikey sneaked closer to Don. "How did it go, bro?" he asked conspiratorially.

"Well let's put it this way, Karai is damn lucky she's a ninja because I doubt humans are able to contort naturally in the way required to get the whole thing to work."

"Hrrng, well that just shot down a great deal of the population as compatible. By the way, Leo and I have a bet about whether or not we could kill people while having sex. What do you think?"

"That it sounds very irresponsible? In fact, speaking of Leo, Karai had a message for him-"

"TURTLES!" boomed the Shredder as he carefully but dramatically opened the door which he'd spent the last half a second lock-picking. Why the Foot headquarters still relied on locks and keys when they had access to Utrom technology was just part of the various inexplicable phenomena that occurred in the building.

Instantly, the aforementioned reptiles were on the defensive, weapons drawn, muscles tensing in preparation to-

"Is that a baby turtle?" Leonardo inquired in polite confusion at the sight of Athena perched precariously on the Shredder's helmet.

The Shredder carefully retrieved his adopted daughter. "Athena wished to see her uncles," he explained calmly, passing the adorable, giggling turtle to Michelangelo.

"Why hello there!" Mikey exclaimed delightedly, tickling the turtle's plastron, causing Athena to squirm with delight. He paused and thought for a moment, "Don? Would a turtle's plastron be ticklish?"

"Mikey, when it comes to these babies, I've learnt that I'm just going to have to accept whatever the hell is going on. Athena's telepathic, apparently. And I think we have her to thank for the Shredder's vastly improved disposition."

"You are not attacking us," Leonardo observed blandly, ignoring his brother's banter behind him. He stared suspiciously at the Shredder, still dressed in his frilly pink apron.

"No, I'm not," the Shredder affirmed amiably.

"Why not?"

"It isn't good matters to attack guests in one's home."

Leo blinked slowly and slightly backed away from the Shredder. "You do realize we invaded your house, right?" he said in the slow tone one adopts when speaking to someone not entirely there mentally. "That makes us intruders, not guests."

"You are also family," the Shredder continued, completely ignoring Leonardo's statement.

"We are-WHAT?"

"Athena is my adoptive child and Donatello is Athena's biological father. He has also fathered a child with Karai. We are kin now, Leonardo Hamato. Feel free to refer to me in any sort of familial sense. I personally would love it if you called me Uncle Shredder."

"Don. Mikey," Leo said loudly, before he could be further traumatized. "We are leaving. Right now."

"But you haven't had a chance to hold Athena!" the Shredder protested. "And I so wanted to go over with my plans to redecorate Foot headquarters with Michelangelo, Athena tells me you have an eye for art."

"She can't even talk!" Leo protested, feel his sanity slip away at the sheer wrongness of the situation on so many levels.

"She's a telepathic baby, get with the program Leo, geez," Michelangelo stuck his tongue impudently. "Who's a creepily intelligent, mind controlling baby, huh?" he cheerfully hoisted Athena in the air, caught her and peered closely at her face. "She's so adorable…" Mikey's voice trailed off as he stared deep into her eyes.

The Shredder pouted. The expression was entirely ineffective given that no one could see his face. "And we haven't even had time for tea and biscuits. This is so rude, Leonardo!"

"There, there," Dontello gave the Shredder a consolatory pat on the shoulder, "I'm sure we can come around another time and visit. We'll even call in advance. How does that sound?"

With a reluctant sigh, the Shredder retrieved the baby turtle from Michelangelo. "I suppose I'll have to let you go. I think it's all too much of a shock to Leonardo. Bring him around when he has had time to adjust to the idea of being family."

"We will," Mikey chirped cheerfully, just as Don dragged both him and the shell shocked Leo from the room.

"Pull yourself together Leo," Don hissed as they hurried down the hallway to the lifts. "Don't you see what's happening?"

"Don, the only thing that I know is happening is that the world officially is ending and I'm going insane."

"We have just been given the tools to defeat all our enemies. All we need to do is give them our magical babies and let them brainwash our enemies into stupidity. We will be unstoppable!"